Concerns over my son (natural, learning, friends, kid)
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My step son was allowed to play video games and computer games most of his teen years. He had a couple friends, but spent a lot of time by himself or with his teen age sister, or in his bedroom on a computer. He didn't graduate from highschool, in fact he did pretty much what he wanted to do, which was nothing. I wouldn't marry his mother until both of these kids were out of school and out of her home. He is forty years old today and still doesn't have any 'get up and go'. He does have a job that is part time and he makes enough money to buy booze and cigarettes, and pay some child support. He was married long enough to make a baby. I sure don't know the answers to why kids turn out the way they do, but in my step son's case, I see the reason why he is a totally worthless human being today. He never was given any direction from a father and his mother was too busy putting food on the table. My own four children turned out the very opposite, they all have very good jobs and earn a very good wage. Raising a child and doing everything right doesn't always matter, sometimes it's up to the child and it doesn't matter how they were raised.
Well not to sound like a jerk, but he sounds like a low life, something my son is not. Far from it.
I would say we raised him well. He's polite, has good manners, helps others when they need help, etc. So I have no regrets over how he was raised. I'm just concerned about him socially.
Exactly. And as he ages, if he continues to withdraw, he will miss out on life events because of his fear of these social gatherings. This only will increase the negative self talk and the phobia could slowly snowball over the years getting a little worse with each attempt to interact socially until he just gives up entirely.
He may have a habit of showing up to appointments late or not making it at all and people will think he is rude when really he is just trying to work up the courage to face his fear of being with people and not having anything to add or share that others may see as being of value.
As important as it is for the OP to understand what is going on with her son I think it is equally important for her son to educate himself on this too.[/quote]
How do you think I should approach my son about this topic though?
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Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal
Just a thought, but if he does not want to be around people, maybe he likes animals enough to volunteer at a local shelter? Animals can be very affirming for people with low self-esteem or depression because they are non-judgemental and accept people just as they are.
This is a great idea. We've had three dogs over the course of his lifetime. The only time I see any sort of outpouring of emotion and love is when he's around his beloved dogs! Even animals get break the hardened shell of a person.
As for his future, he actually has said he would like to have a family someday. So I guess he doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life. But I would assume introverts would want a family as much as anyone else. Or am I wrong?
Many do want families. The main problem is having the courage to ask a girl out. Then there's the torment of worrying before the date, stumbling over words during the date, and worrying after the date about stumbling over their words. It's not uncommon for them to give up trying to date. The good news is that many do find partners. Male friends of mine shared with me that they merely waited until girls approached them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lions552
How do you think I should approach my son about this topic though?
I completely disagree about broaching this subject with him. I just asked my son about this and he also thinks it's a bad idea. If your son is functioning and content with his life, leave him alone.
The best advice I have is to simply continue being there to listen to his complaints---like about the customers. When he's complaining about customers, be interested and actively participate in the conversation. Ask him to share details of specific events that happened with customers and how he felt when it happened. This way you can help him brainstorm coping skills or help him see the situations more realistically. That's one of the biggest problems with social anxiety----the inaccurate overblown interpretation of social interactions that are usually meaningless to the rest of us.
Just be interested in hearing how he feels about things that upset him and be someone who is comfortable using as a sounding board. This will open the door for him to feel comfortable coming to you if he ever has a difficult time coping. Just be aware that avoiding any uncomfortable situations will make it even more difficult to confront a similar uncomfortable situation. Always encourage him to stick with something that makes him uncomfortable. The more exposure he has, the less uncomfortable he will be in the future.
Okay, aside from what I already told you about my son, I have a dear friend who's oldest son was like this as well.
He was incredibly responsible throughout high school - always had a job and paid for his own things, did fine in school, but wasn't interested in all the social stuff. Just wasn't his thing.
He is now going to college, is out on his own, has had a couple of girlfriends even - which is surprising to his mom. She always thought, since he was so introverted, that he'd probably end up marrying the first girl he dated because he was so meticulous with his decisions.
I've think you've figured out that there are a lot of us introverts and there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. For me personally, it doesn't keep me from doing things I know I need to do. Can it be uncomfortable? Yes. But that's how you grow as a person.
Does your son know what career path he wants to take? As someone mentioned earlier, that would be one thing to think about. Not that getting out of a comfort zone for a job isn't a good thing, but he always doesn't want to waste years of college for something that later he realizes he just hates. I remember taking one of those career test in high school. According to my personality, etc. the first recommendation for me was embalmer. That might tell you how much of a people person I am NOT!
Okay, aside from what I already told you about my son, I have a dear friend who's oldest son was like this as well.
He was incredibly responsible throughout high school - always had a job and paid for his own things, did fine in school, but wasn't interested in all the social stuff. Just wasn't his thing.
He is now going to college, is out on his own, has had a couple of girlfriends even - which is surprising to his mom. She always thought, since he was so introverted, that he'd probably end up marrying the first girl he dated because he was so meticulous with his decisions.
I've think you've figured out that there are a lot of us introverts and there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. For me personally, it doesn't keep me from doing things I know I need to do. Can it be uncomfortable? Yes. But that's how you grow as a person.
Does your son know what career path he wants to take? As someone mentioned earlier, that would be one thing to think about. Not that getting out of a comfort zone for a job isn't a good thing, but he always doesn't want to waste years of college for something that later he realizes he just hates. I remember taking one of those career test in high school. According to my personality, etc. the first recommendation for me was embalmer. That might tell you how much of a people person I am NOT!
Haha! Do you have any interest in handling dead people?
Not sure what my son wants to do. He said he's leaning towards accounting or economics. But he doesn't know what he wants to do specifically (or maybe he does and hasn't told me yet).
When I say "interfers with ability to function," I mean not able to work or attend school.
That's when it's a disorder---when it interferes with the ability literally do the basic necessities of day to day living.
My son has not been able to attend school since the 9th grade. It's a problem way bigger than simply avoiding jobs that require lots of interaction with people.
Well that's different.
I meant the kids that actually function quite well but avoid social events, big parties, don't surround themselves with tons of friends which are really not close friends but acquaintances.
Many asocial types function - they find the right careers where they'll be happy and overall they can be very pleasant and happy types because they look inward for their needs, don't need to find their self-esteen in others.
The OP's kid sounds more like what I'm talking about since he works, goes to college, doesn't sound like any trouble -- just a kid that lives quietly, self-reliant, no mention of drug or alcohol abuse, no violent outbursts, no defiance, no peer pressure problems, crowd following.
That's when I think a parent should count his or her blessings and be happy with the kind of kid they got.
I've think you've figured out that there are a lot of us introverts and there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. For me personally, it doesn't keep me from doing things I know I need to do. Can it be uncomfortable? Yes. But that's how you grow as a person.
I think ultimately introverts have an easier time because while they might be uncomfortable in big groups and loud social functions they're happy when alone, they're content with their own company. They might find themselves at some loud party and begin to shut down - but they retreat and everything is normal again.
I think life is actually more difficult for those with high social needs who can't make a move without a large group around, have anxiety attacks if they ever find themselves alone, cannot entertain themselves, and face tremendous peer pressure, must do anything to keep fitting in with the crowd. You can't always retreat when it's being alone that frightens you to death, there isn't always going to be a big party and there might not always be a crowd to amuse.
As important as it is for the OP to understand what is going on with her son I think it is equally important for her son to educate himself on this too.
How do you think I should approach my son about this topic though?
This is a great idea. We've had three dogs over the course of his lifetime. The only time I see any sort of outpouring of emotion and love is when he's around his beloved dogs! Even animals get break the hardened shell of a person.[/quote]
If your son is good looking enough, I wouldn't worry about the girlfriends and marriage. There are enough aggressive girls out there who will rescue these guys if it takes the girl being more aggressive for them to be "caught", but there are also enough girls in the same boat who are shy and introverted.
He'll either find someone like himself - or he'll find the complete opposite.
These guys don't date early - because social events don't appeal to them in the first place so they don't want to go to parties and dances.
Eventually they'll start deciding what they have to do to get a life partner, but you might have to help with clothes, colognes, etc since they're not real big on all the social cues.
Often they will pick up female friends and be the shoulder to cry on - and you might have to advise him about that a little - but then it's these same girls who will get them out to party and sharpen their social skills and introduce them to others.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't do much dating until mid 20's.
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