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Old 04-05-2010, 05:54 PM
 
Location: California
37,077 posts, read 42,043,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
Well sometimes I think it is the kids choice. My son has pretty bad acne and I've bought every kind of soap, cream there is but he won't use it. I ask him frequently, in a polite way of course, if he has been using them and he says no. When I ask him why he just says he doesn't care.

The same with his clothes. I've taken him into all the "trendy" stores to let him pick out nice clothes that look nice on him, but he'd rather pick out goth-type clothes that look ridiculous.

He does have braces but he wasn't given a choice.
That sounds like my son except he didn't get braces. At 19 he is now starting to take more interest in his appearance and even buying different clothing. He sure as heck can't blame me if he wakes up one day and decides de doesn't like what he sees in the mirror.
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:02 PM
 
Location: SXSW
640 posts, read 1,728,978 times
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peptea, your post really resonates with me.
To be succinct, I think parents should tell their kids the truth-the fact that looks DO matter, and that they shape our biases towards others and in turn, how others treat us. I'm in my mid twenties now (wow I feel old) now recently undoing damage of an overprotective father and a clueless mother- oh and not to mention immigrants new to American culture. I cringe when I look at pictures of myself as a child and teenager. Self esteem and confidence count for sure, but along with being taught how to look one's personal best- it can create a really good positive feedback effect. One that I think will make a far better lasting impact than to just tell your child the quixotic idea that "its only the inside that counts."
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:17 PM
 
5,747 posts, read 12,024,340 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueseas123 View Post
peptea, your post really resonates with me.
To be succinct, I think parents should tell their kids the truth-the fact that looks DO matter, and that they shape our biases towards others and in turn, how others treat us. I'm in my mid twenties now (wow I feel old) now recently undoing damage of an overprotective father and a clueless mother- oh and not to mention immigrants new to American culture. I cringe when I look at pictures of myself as a child and teenager. Self esteem and confidence count for sure, but along with being taught how to look one's personal best- it can create a really good positive feedback effect. One that I think will make a far better lasting impact than to just tell your child the quixotic idea that "its only the inside that counts."
I think that's fine as long as it focuses on personal presentation issues like hygiene and neatness. When those comments veer into the attractiveness of physical traits that cannot be changed easily, I think parents should tread carefully. That might include things like dental work and acne. That said, when my child stinks and looks like a slob, I have no compunction about telling him to get his butt in the shower and put his clothes in the laundry.
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:30 PM
 
122 posts, read 329,943 times
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congenital facial problems are definitely a more touchy issue. but i think even these need to be dealt with. obviously the parents cannot chide the children (it's not their fault), but they can point out gently that perhaps they can go see a doctor about it since the child is getting teased so much about a certain facial feature. in my case, i'll just let it be known that it was a pretty bad congenital jaw problem. ever since i was in middle school i knew something was wrong with my face; it was made very clear by all the taunts. but i could never pinpoint why, since i was just a kid. it has affected my life greatly and not in a good way, and thankfully i got it fixed in my twenties after seeing a dentist told me about the problem. it should be pretty obvious to any adult when a child's jaw looks 'off', i would think. i guess not.
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:34 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,376,368 times
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You might think certain things would be "obvious" but it might not be. Also, depending on the culture in which one was raised, it could be that, even if something was obvious, getting something "fixed" might not occur to them as an option. I also know some adults who seem simply clueless to their own personal appearance so it wouldn't surprise me if they were oblivious to that in their kids. I wouldn't fault them for something that just isn't in their own reality.....
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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maciesmom, i know that i shouldnt blame them, but i still feel resentful. it's irrational.
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,376,368 times
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I don't know that it's irrational but it doesn't serve a useful purpose and in fact, most likely keeps you from the confidence and satisfaction you need to truly move on. It is easier said than done though....You are working (or have worked) on correcting something that has bothered you for years. Good for you! Embrace the change and be happy! Congratulations....

ETA - I think it also needs to be acknowledged that usually, we as parents are doing the best we can. Do we make mistakes? Sure - even some big ones. Usually it is not out of apathy or evil but simply because we thought we were doing the right thing at the time. Hindsight is 20/20. We can all look back and say about one thing or another "What on God's green earth, were my parent's thinking?!" Forgive them and move forward with your life and hope that someday, if/when you are lucky enough to have children of your own, they will be as forgiving.....

Last edited by maciesmom; 04-05-2010 at 07:24 PM..
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
18,385 posts, read 31,494,900 times
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A parent only has control over certain things, like the above poster said braces wasn't a choice.... I agree, all my boys wore braces and why they ask??, because I am the parent and I want your teeth to be as perfect as they can be, and when you guys are older you will thank me. They did.

As far as hair styles and clothes, well, both me and their mother were and are very fashonable, so they had style at a young age......They were blessed though, none of them had acne, ugh, I had it from 13 till 24.......oh the pain, the pain......I am glad they didn't acne.
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:24 PM
 
Location: SXSW
640 posts, read 1,728,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peptea View Post
maciesmom, i know that i shouldnt blame them, but i still feel resentful. it's irrational.
Have you ever brought it up with your parents?
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:26 PM
 
122 posts, read 329,943 times
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yeah, i already talked it out with them. i dont talk about it anymore with them, and neither do they. i think i just need time to heal.
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