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I don't think you are unnecessarily projecting at all, just being a good mamma. I'm just curious if you have asked your older daughter's opinion as she knows the peer group, etc.? I would say if your daughter is unable to maintain standard grooming that her peers are most likely doing, and that will prevent untoward attention, then it's fair enough to do it for her.
I agree with this. Julia, If you decide to bring it to her attention, you can frame it as a growing up rite-of-passage, as opposed to a "you must conform" type of thing (which I know is not what you are saying).
So why does my son? He knows perfectly well what he risks and could not care less. He would rather wear what is on top of the drawer than match an outfit. He would rather wear shaggy hair than sit in a hair dresser's chair. He would rather tell people who would make fun of him for it to suck nails than change himself.
I had one like that. The little hippie non-conformist who was going to do whatever he wanted to do and look however he wanted to look and poo on anyone who made fun of him.
Until he met a girl in high school that told him she liked button down collars and all of a sudden he's upset with Mom (who went out of her way to help him express his hippie little self) because he doesn't own a shirt with a button down collar.
She was a brunette with hair that hung to her waist.
I had one like that. The little hippie non-conformist who was going to do whatever he wanted to do and look however he wanted to look and poo on anyone who made fun of him.
Until he met a girl in high school that told him she liked button down collars and all of a sudden he's upset with Mom (who went out of her way to help him express his hippie little self) because he doesn't own a shirt with a button down collar.
She was a brunette with hair that hung to her waist.
Wait. Just wait.
I told him that just the other day. When you are interested in girls.... He rolled his eyes.
It seems to come down to self esteem. Some kids just don't care how others may perceive them. If that is your kid then I wouldn't do much to change them. If they aren't getting bullied or picked on then I wouldn't try to change anything. However, I do expect that when at certain functions (weddings, funerals, family holiday gatherings etc...) they at least dress appropriately and have their hair brushed and body clean!
It is one thing to know what is appropriate but for some they are completely oblivious as to what society expects. My IL's don't seem to have any clue about what is appropriate attire at nicer restaurants/social family gatherings. They honestly have no interest in fashion, hair, makeup etc....and I don't think they care. But it bugs me. That is my problem.
I don't think it has much to do with money either. I get most of my kid's clothes on clearance, resale, and 2nd hand. But they are always dressed appropriately for the occasion. I grew up in a family that felt those things were important so I NOTICE them. I can't help but notice!! SO maybe it is how you are raised and whether or not you have good self esteem?
I predict my son will be the nerdy, small kid that will get bullied. I don't know what I can do to prevent that --clothes, hair....won't change it.
It seems to come down to self esteem. Some kids just don't care how others may perceive them. If that is your kid then I wouldn't do much to change them. If they aren't getting bullied or picked on then I wouldn't try to change anything. However, I do expect that when at certain functions (weddings, funerals, family holiday gatherings etc...) they at least dress appropriately and have their hair brushed and body clean!
It is one thing to know what is appropriate but for some they are completely oblivious as to what society expects. My IL's don't seem to have any clue about what is appropriate attire at nicer restaurants/social family gatherings. They honestly have no interest in fashion, hair, makeup etc....and I don't think they care. But it bugs me. That is my problem.
I don't think it has much to do with money either. I get most of my kid's clothes on clearance, resale, and 2nd hand. But they are always dressed appropriately for the occasion. I grew up in a family that felt those things were important so I NOTICE them. I can't help but notice!! SO maybe it is how you are raised and whether or not you have good self esteem?
I predict my son will be the nerdy, small kid that will get bullied. I don't know what I can do to prevent that --clothes, hair....won't change it.
Clothes and grooming may not make it any better but they don't have to make it worse either.
I had an oily skin issue and acne, I STILL resent that my parents wouldn't even buy me soap to try and wash my face. They thought "kids" just need water and a washcloth. I didn't even have shampoo or deoderant as my mom considered those to be for "adults" and didn't think the family should have to waste money on kids. I was constanlty a greasy mess who was picked on due to this. Sometimes my teachers would tell me to "go get a shower" or tell me to buy some new clothes. What on earth help was that? Instead of thinking I was being somewhat neglected, they just assumed I must like being dirty and gross just to iritate them.
I agree...I don't want to contribute to the problem! So the least I can do is ensure appearance doesn't make him stand out!!
But you're right that at the end of the day, it isn't appearance or clothing that singles a kid out for bullying. I could have dressed up pretty as a peach in school, but the other kids would have still sensed that I was different.
I would focus now on building his self-confidence. Oddly, I think this works better the more literal minded the child is. My parents told me when I learned to read the world would open to me...I was very literal minded and that gave me visions of the world cracking open. I refused to read for an extra year. But when my parents told me I was fine the way I was, I also believed that. I think that's why the teasing never had any kind of impact on me.
My job as a parent is to encourage the individuality of my children, as well as prevent undue hardship by letting them do things that I know may cause social ridicule. I am older and wiser than they are, and I know there are mean kids who pick on others for their appearance. I don't believe it's encouraging conformity to reduce the chances of ridicule, there are many avenues for expressing individuality, wearing high-waters doesn't need to be one of them.
My rules for appearance; good hygiene, clothes that fit, all bits covered that should be.
I had an oily skin issue and acne, I STILL resent that my parents wouldn't even buy me soap to try and wash my face. They thought "kids" just need water and a washcloth. I didn't even have shampoo or deoderant as my mom considered those to be for "adults" and didn't think the family should have to waste money on kids. I was constanlty a greasy mess who was picked on due to this. Sometimes my teachers would tell me to "go get a shower" or tell me to buy some new clothes. What on earth help was that? Instead of thinking I was being somewhat neglected, they just assumed I must like being dirty and gross just to iritate them.
Wow...that just made me really sad. I'm sorry.
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I had an oily skin issue and acne, I STILL resent that my parents wouldn't even buy me soap to try and wash my face. They thought "kids" just need water and a washcloth. I didn't even have shampoo or deoderant as my mom considered those to be for "adults" and didn't think the family should have to waste money on kids. I was constanlty a greasy mess who was picked on due to this. Sometimes my teachers would tell me to "go get a shower" or tell me to buy some new clothes. What on earth help was that? Instead of thinking I was being somewhat neglected, they just assumed I must like being dirty and gross just to iritate them.
Perfectly stated.
