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View Poll Results: Is a parent obligated-- do they HAVE to pay for son's college?
Yes -a parent is responsible for these costs as much as possible 29 17.68%
No- It would be nice if they helped but not mandatory 135 82.32%
Voters: 164. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-11-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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Good grief. Parents have no OBLIGATION to fund college. Sure, they should help if they can and it is a good thing to start saving early. OTOH, no one is *entitled* to a college education.

I did have it easier to an extent in that scholarships were more abundant when I went to school. However, I took difficult classes, maintained straight As, had excellent SAT scores, etc.

I did this despite working as a waitress 20 hours a week for my junior and senior year (swing shift 4 pm to midnight and Saturdays). My hourly wage was $1.16 per hour and I was on my feet working my butt off that entire shift with 2 15 minute breaks and one *dinner* break for about 30 minutes. My food was not free either, it came out of my salary. Tips depended on the customer and some nights were good and others not so good. I saved almost every penny to pay for clothes for school since my parents had very little money.

My parents, btw, started saving when I was an infant, but had to use that money when my dad was laid off from his factory job and was out of work for over a year. My mom went back to work in the elementary school cafeteria as a lunch lady to support the family.

I was the first in my family to go to college and I did have a free ride at a small liberal arts college because my high school counsellor graduated from that school and convinced them they wanted me.

OTOH, my sister did not go to college because the teachers did not think she had the *smarts*. It still burns me up when I remember coming back to that school and finding that the worst math teacher I had told her not to take math because she could not live up to my standards. She cried.

My dh and I did save for our kids from infancy. We were not wealthy, but compared to my parents we had a lot of money. We did not take a lot of vacations and I went without a second car for several years. If, however, my dh had lost his job, we too might have found ourselves unable to fund college unless the kids had scholarships. We would probably not have wanted them to take out the kinds of loans that they would have needed for the schools they chose. They would have had to choose cheaper schools, gone to community college for the first two years, living at home and then transferring to their choice of school. There is nothing at all wrong with this option for kids today. Stay inexpensive for the first two years and then finance your good college for your junior and senior years. Keep things in perspective.

Moral of the story, if your parents provided you with a home, food, a good childhood, then you were given what parents are obligated for. Anything more in terms of money and material things is a *gift* not a right.
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Old 08-11-2010, 03:49 PM
 
207 posts, read 961,280 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post

Moral of the story, if your parents provided you with a home, food, a good childhood, then you were given what parents are obligated for. Anything more in terms of money and material things is a *gift* not a right.
Yes that's true, but is that really what parents should aspire to give their children? The bare minimum? Damn, if all I planned on doing was giving my kids the bare minimum to survive then I probably wouldn't bother having any. I'd want to help them in any way I could so they have a chance to succeed. It's really sad when you see parents who work their butts off to give their children a better life than they had, while others who have plenty of money to help just selfishly refuse to do so, at the expense of their children.

I'm sure a lot of people might find what I'm saying abrasive, but all I'm really saying is if you have the money and resources to do so, you should want to give your kids more than the bare minimum. College is quickly becoming included in that, in terms of what it takes to get a decent job. Sending a kid out into the world without any help for education beyond high school is borderline irresponsible. Of course it's not an obligation, but it's something a parent should want to do for their child, if they can.
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Old 08-11-2010, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Rochester Hills, Mi
812 posts, read 1,897,867 times
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My Dad told me all my life I was going to college. He saved $ to pay for tuition, room and board. In 1990 at my public SC university tuition was barely $1100/semester and then maybe another 1500 for R&B. When I transferred to NC community college I went free for a year and lived with my grandparents. I got a scholarship to be in the show choir, my last year and a half tuition was even CHEAPER than SC. He did pay for my car insurance.

I paid for all of my own spending money, laundry, extras, clothes, toothpaste and was not given a monthly stipend to live on. I was expected to work during the summer and save my $ to use during the semester. I ended up working during school because I am not a frugal person! I worked 2 jobs when I was at the community college and waited tables my last year.

Hubby's parents didn't pay a dime for tuition but gave him a monthly allowance and paid his rent. DH qualified for student loans and scholarships. He also attended a cheaper community college for a year and then transferred. They would visit and buy him groceries and pay for things.

My dad could more than afford to pay for the extras but he didn't feel it was his job. I didn't like it when all my friends at school didn't have to work and got money sent to them all the time. BUT guess what--I turned out just fine. I have a good work ethic and willing to work as needed to do what is necessary. Life isn't always easy and I feel good knowing that I can take care of myself!

We are saving $ for our kids colleges but I am sure there is NO way with 2 in college overlapping for several years that we can fully fund either of their educations. We will help as much as possible and THEY can get loans for the rest!
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:09 PM
 
17,183 posts, read 22,751,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by socstudent View Post
Yes that's true, but is that really what parents should aspire to give their children? The bare minimum? Damn, if all I planned on doing was giving my kids the bare minimum to survive then I probably wouldn't bother having any. I'd want to help them in any way I could so they have a chance to succeed. It's really sad when you see parents who work their butts off to give their children a better life than they had, while others who have plenty of money to help just selfishly refuse to do so, at the expense of their children.

I'm sure a lot of people might find what I'm saying abrasive, but all I'm really saying is if you have the money and resources to do so, you should want to give your kids more than the bare minimum. College is quickly becoming included in that, in terms of what it takes to get a decent job. Sending a kid out into the world without any help for education beyond high school is borderline irresponsible. Of course it's not an obligation, but it's something a parent should want to do for their child, if they can.
Aspirations and obligations are very different things.
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:46 PM
 
817 posts, read 2,240,268 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
Aspirations and obligations are very different things.
Aspirations and obligations are different things, but that's not germane to this discussion.

A parent should plan for college expenses. Retirement planning should come first, but then college after that. Unless you are completely unable to save ANYTHING toward college, it should be a major priority for a parent.

If your children can't get in to college, or it's obvious that college is not what they were meant to do, then that money should be used toward a vo-tech school of some sort.

But to just say "well, I got my kids to age 18...they're on their own!"...that's just...I don't know...pretty harsh. I'd rather sacrifice a little for 18 years and give them a solid footing to transition to adulthood, educate them, and prepare them for life than just shove them out the door and say "good luck!"

As a poster above said, that's why I put my kids in piano lessons...have them in sports leagues...pay for an art class for my daughter...take them on interesting and adventurous family vacations...etc. Raising a child is about more than just making sure they have a bed, food, and a roof. If that's all that parenting is about, well...I could have a new car every other year, my wife and I could be taking solo vacations all the time, and have a bigger house than we have now.

But we want to raise well-rounded contributing members of society that we can be proud of. Sending them to college without them having to worry about working full time while there is part of that.

AGAIN...that said...if you were planning well but you've been hit by the recession, it's understandable that you may not be able to pay for college for you kids. That's something for which I have sympathy.

But to sit there and say "I have no obligation toward my child once they're out of high school"...that's just...I don't know...something outside of my sphere of understanding.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,330,679 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin from Tampa View Post
Aspirations and obligations are different things, but that's not germane to this discussion.

A parent should plan for college expenses. Retirement planning should come first, but then college after that. Unless you are completely unable to save ANYTHING toward college, it should be a major priority for a parent.

If your children can't get in to college, or it's obvious that college is not what they were meant to do, then that money should be used toward a vo-tech school of some sort.

But to just say "well, I got my kids to age 18...they're on their own!"...that's just...I don't know...pretty harsh. I'd rather sacrifice a little for 18 years and give them a solid footing to transition to adulthood, educate them, and prepare them for life than just shove them out the door and say "good luck!"

As a poster above said, that's why I put my kids in piano lessons...have them in sports leagues...pay for an art class for my daughter...take them on interesting and adventurous family vacations...etc. Raising a child is about more than just making sure they have a bed, food, and a roof. If that's all that parenting is about, well...I could have a new car every other year, my wife and I could be taking solo vacations all the time, and have a bigger house than we have now.

But we want to raise well-rounded contributing members of society that we can be proud of. Sending them to college without them having to worry about working full time while there is part of that.

AGAIN...that said...if you were planning well but you've been hit by the recession, it's understandable that you may not be able to pay for college for you kids. That's something for which I have sympathy.

But to sit there and say "I have no obligation toward my child once they're out of high school"...that's just...I don't know...something outside of my sphere of understanding.
But there's a whole lotta gray between paying for everything 100% and "I have no obligation toward my child once they get out of high school". That gray area is where most families are. And I do think the effort the child makes (while in HS and college) with grades, work ethic and attitude can and should rightfully impact the parents decision to help out.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:06 PM
 
2,712 posts, read 5,336,326 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin from Tampa View Post
A parent should plan for college expenses. Retirement planning should come first, but then college after that. Unless you are completely unable to save ANYTHING toward college, it should be a major priority for a parent.
This is simply your opinion. Other have different views based on their life experiences.

Quote:
But to just say "well, I got my kids to age 18...they're on their own!"...that's just...I don't know...pretty harsh. I'd rather sacrifice a little for 18 years and give them a solid footing to transition to adulthood, educate them, and prepare them for life than just shove them out the door and say "good luck!"
Again, different parenting styles abound. It sounds harsh to you because that is the opposite of what you would do. Children who grow up knowing from day one that their parents will cease funding on your 18th birthday don't view it as harsh. It's just life. You don't know anything different.

Quote:
As a poster above said, that's why I put my kids in piano lessons...have them in sports leagues...pay for an art class for my daughter...take them on interesting and adventurous family vacations...etc.
Apples and oranges. My parents paid for sports leagues, activities and such while I was a minor child. I never felt deprived. They simply raised us with the idea that once you turn 18 you are responsible for either leaving the nest or remaining at home and paying rent, getting a job with medical benefits and making your way in the world. If you wanted to go to college, that was fine but they would not contribute to it.

Quote:
Raising a child is about more than just making sure they have a bed, food, and a roof. If that's all that parenting is about, well...I could have a new car every other year, my wife and I could be taking solo vacations all the time, and have a bigger house than we have now.
My parents came to America in the '50s with nothing. There was no welfare or food stamps waiting for them. They had a sponsor who was responsible for their upkeep. They arrived, got low level jobs and eventually an apartment. My father got a decent job and my mother stayed home with us kids. We never went without food or clothes and Christmases were not bonanzas but we survived just fine. My parents never bought a new car or treated themselves to anything except a trip to the home country once every five years.

I imagine that many will read that and say "Why on earth didn't your parents think 'We want better for our kids'" and pay our way through college and what have you. I can't answer that because I don't know. They just felt that you do what you have to do as an adult and that means supporting yourself.

Quote:
But we want to raise well-rounded contributing members of society that we can be proud of. Sending them to college without them having to worry about working full time while there is part of that.
It's part of your plan. It doesn't mean everyone must do that or there is something wrong with them. My parents would say exactly the opposite of what you are saying here and think you were crazy to pay your 18 year old's rent or bills (tuition included).

Quote:
But to sit there and say "I have no obligation toward my child once they're out of high school"...that's just...I don't know...something outside of my sphere of understanding.
Exactly. It is outside your sphere of understanding. But that doesn't make it wrong. It just makes you unable to comprehend what would possess parents to do that just as some parents will never wrap their head around people who continue to financially support their kids after age 18.

Different strokes and all that....

Edited to add: I'm not saying this to be argumentive or say that one right way exists. I just wanted to point out that there are radical differences in which people choose to parent their kids and just because it's insane to one person doesn't mean it doesn't make perfect sense to another.

Last edited by cleasach; 08-11-2010 at 07:16 PM.. Reason: added a footnote
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:25 PM
 
305 posts, read 651,146 times
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I haven't read the whole thread, so excuse me in case I simply repeat what has been stated.

NO, of course you don't have to. And most certainly not at the expense of retirement savings or your livelihood in the present. Now he is young and maybe naive, but you can tell him without resentment, keeping his age in mind, that while there are loans for college there are no loans for retirement. You can also offer to help him find out how to get his desired degree for the least money possible, looking for grants, cc course and so forth. Like that he will be upset but know you do care. Even if he's not mature enough to realize it right now.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:35 AM
 
Location: Summerville, SC
1,149 posts, read 4,193,933 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
Good grief. Parents have no OBLIGATION to fund college. Sure, they should help if they can and it is a good thing to start saving early. OTOH, no one is *entitled* to a college education.

I did have it easier to an extent in that scholarships were more abundant when I went to school. However, I took difficult classes, maintained straight As, had excellent SAT scores, etc.

I did this despite working as a waitress 20 hours a week for my junior and senior year (swing shift 4 pm to midnight and Saturdays). My hourly wage was $1.16 per hour and I was on my feet working my butt off that entire shift with 2 15 minute breaks and one *dinner* break for about 30 minutes. My food was not free either, it came out of my salary. Tips depended on the customer and some nights were good and others not so good. I saved almost every penny to pay for clothes for school since my parents had very little money.

My parents, btw, started saving when I was an infant, but had to use that money when my dad was laid off from his factory job and was out of work for over a year. My mom went back to work in the elementary school cafeteria as a lunch lady to support the family.

I was the first in my family to go to college and I did have a free ride at a small liberal arts college because my high school counsellor graduated from that school and convinced them they wanted me.

OTOH, my sister did not go to college because the teachers did not think she had the *smarts*. It still burns me up when I remember coming back to that school and finding that the worst math teacher I had told her not to take math because she could not live up to my standards. She cried.

My dh and I did save for our kids from infancy. We were not wealthy, but compared to my parents we had a lot of money. We did not take a lot of vacations and I went without a second car for several years. If, however, my dh had lost his job, we too might have found ourselves unable to fund college unless the kids had scholarships. We would probably not have wanted them to take out the kinds of loans that they would have needed for the schools they chose. They would have had to choose cheaper schools, gone to community college for the first two years, living at home and then transferring to their choice of school. There is nothing at all wrong with this option for kids today. Stay inexpensive for the first two years and then finance your good college for your junior and senior years. Keep things in perspective.

Moral of the story, if your parents provided you with a home, food, a good childhood, then you were given what parents are obligated for. Anything more in terms of money and material things is a *gift* not a right.
Are you kidding me? You sound just like my MIL (and are probably comparable in age). Do you really think you can compare your personal college situation with what kids are facing today? "I did have it easier to an extent in that scholarships were more abundant when I went to school. However, I took difficult classes, maintained straight As, had excellent SAT scores, etc. " Yeah, okay. Not only are scholarships scarce, but schools are more than 10x the price! And really, working only 20 hours a week in your final two years... yeah, sorry. That's easy. Kids these days are balancing two FULL TIME workloads, and STILL having to take out loans.

And then you go on to say "I was the first in my family to go to college and I did have a free ride at a small liberal arts college because my high school counsellor graduated from that school and convinced them they wanted me."

A free ride. That's fabulous, really. Even the valedictorian at my private high school didn't get a free ride to her college (considering she was female, and black, and qualified for aid due to that, plus academic scholarship, she still paid $15k a year). How easy it must be to take education costs for granted when it doesn't hit you in the wallet.

Stay inexpensive for the first two years and then finance your good college for your junior and senior years. Keep things in perspective.


Horrible advice. I transferred after my freshman year at a prestigious college - which is pretty much just core courses. THREE WHOLE CLASSES transferred out of TEN, and I kept the same degree. What a waste of money. Colleges aren't in it to give you a degree in their name when they aren't the ones getting paid for it. I hear this story all the time - someone takes a year or two at a community college - then they get screwed when they transfer to the college that needs to be seen on a resume in order to be taken seriously in this economy. Then you end up being the perpetual student, with tons of loans, and your parents complaining about how you aren't paying them enough money to live at their house.

I still stand by what I said earlier - no, please, don't feel obligated to help your kids with college. But don't be surprised when you get the exact same treatment when your 401K doesn't see you through retirement.
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Old 08-12-2010, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Rochester Hills, Mi
812 posts, read 1,897,867 times
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"To quote the post from above---
Stay inexpensive for the first two years and then finance your good college for your junior and senior years. Keep things in perspective.

Horrible advice. I transferred after my freshman year at a prestigious college - which is pretty much just core courses. THREE WHOLE CLASSES transferred out of TEN, and I kept the same degree. What a waste of money. Colleges aren't in it to give you a degree in their name when they aren't the ones getting paid for it. I hear this story all the time - someone takes a year or two at a community college - then they get screwed when they transfer to the college that needs to be seen on a resume in order to be taken seriously in this economy. Then you end up being the perpetual student, with tons of loans, and your parents complaining about how you aren't paying them enough money to live at their house."


ALL of mine and MY husbands community college credits transferred. Different states and different colleges. He graduated from a Public Ivy. I actually transferred between states and started at a 4yr school for 2 years. Then I attended a local community college in a diff. state for 1 year. I transferred everything to the 4yr university that I graduated from--which I only attended for 3 semesters. My general ed and business school classes all transferred.

Husband's situation very similar. We both graduated relatively "on time" (it took me an extra semester) and my girfriends that stayed at the 1st school and never transferred graduated at the SAME time I did.
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