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View Poll Results: Is a parent obligated-- do they HAVE to pay for son's college?
Yes -a parent is responsible for these costs as much as possible 29 17.68%
No- It would be nice if they helped but not mandatory 135 82.32%
Voters: 164. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-07-2010, 10:52 AM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,008,751 times
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If he does it himself he'll get more out of it anyway. I have relatives who were handed everything and had people in the family pave the way for them... they had things so easy. They grew up to be bumbling idiots - unable even to stamp an envelope on their own without asking how it was done, or even writing a check! I'm not kidding. While those of us who "had it hard" for whatever reason while growing up and had to do things and learn things on our own and make our own way, we're doing fine. I think this applies to earning a college education. It's about much more than just showing up for class and passing and getting enough credits... kid's have gotta grow up sometime. And once they do they feel really proud of what they've accomplished. Really, those parents who pay for and do everything for their children are doing more of a disservice to them than anything else, even though they are well-meaning and "good" parents. They might be making their life easy, but they are not preparing their children on how to deal with life on their own.
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Old 04-07-2010, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 18,504,050 times
Reputation: 4071
We have friends with a 21+ year old son who informed them that since they brought him into this world, they are responsible for taking care of him the rest of his life. So, you are not alone with a son making such demands. The fact that they make the demands with their reasoning doesn't make it correct or requires that you meet their demands.

By law, parental responsibility ends for most kids when they turn 18. At that point, you can point them to the door and tell them to write when they get a job. You can do more for them, but it's your decision on your terms.

We did help our kids with college, but we made it known that they would have to contribute too. Our feelings were that if they got a free ride, there would be no incentive for them to finish. I know some kids from when I went who never finished after 7 years. You should sit down with your son and discuss the amount you can contribute, performance he's expected to achieve to continue receiving funds and time frame you're willing to cover.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:03 PM
 
Location: U.S.
3,979 posts, read 6,543,988 times
Reputation: 4140
I would help him, but not pay for it all. He sounds spoiled and having to come up with his own amount each year will help him appreciate it more and more.

When I opted to go away to school, my parents told me they would not help me. We didn't have much money and my parents wanted me to go to a local community college. I worked and through loans and grants made my way through. There were a few years where I was short a few grand and my parents lent me the money so I could make it through those last few years. After I graduated they surprised me by forgiving me the thousands I had borrowed from them through the years (I think it was about $10,000 or less). The rest I have been paying off and actually just paid off at the end of 2009. It took me 12 years to pay off my student loans - and yes, I appreciate the education that much more.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Rockport Texas from El Paso
2,602 posts, read 8,500,921 times
Reputation: 1606
it seems most agree with me, and I had started this thread because my son told me I was out of touch.

Auntiemame you are correct I am responsible for how I raised him and that is why this is so depressing for me- I accept the responsibility, however in most ways as I've said before he is a good kid. He doesn't cut school, always gets good grades and honors, he has several special accomplishments. He does not steal and is as honest a child as I have met. He is liked by his teachers and the principals. He's also messy like me- fine.

In general I feel pretty good about him but this issue haunts and disturbs me. He appreciates nothing I bought him a 1000 kayak for his birthday ( i was able to afford it then) because he used to kayak and a 11 months later its not opened. I told him to expect between $3k and $8 K his first year and that it will come out of my IRA ( no penalty for withdrawals for education) and he complains I should have had more in for him. I have a career plan for myself and he tells me because it will cost something that its a bad idea and his college comes first. His mom agrees with me 100% - he somehow lost the boundaries between parent and child and criticizes her life as well.

So yes auntiemame - I do take responsibility for the bad as well as the principals teachers gave me a large bag of green M&Ms- I thanked thanked each of them privately and again at next month's meeting. I am not like my son.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Baywood Park
1,634 posts, read 6,702,661 times
Reputation: 714
Number 1. Unless your pretty wealthy, parents need to plan for their retirement and dedicate funds for that purpose. I hve two colleges near my home. My kids can live here free, eat free if they're going to school. Car, gas, insurance, clothes, spring break is on them.
Freshman year needs be in the dorm, then they can move back if they choose to. Making those initial contacts is important. I know local kids who lived at home, went to Cal Poly and didn't make any friends.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:23 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,679,685 times
Reputation: 2194
Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
.. Perhaps sit him and and just lay it out for him. Show him the bank statements, the bills, what's coming in and what's going out, everything. Answer his questions patiently. The sooner he learns about money and responsibility the better off you'll both be.
Ocean doesn't owe his son anything of the sort. No child needs to have access to a parent's bank information. It's none of his business. The word of the father should be sufficient that the son is responsible for his own education.

Even if the money is there, college is not 'owed' to any offspring.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntieMame View Post
I'm going to stay out of this but have a few questionson't you want the best for your son as far as being a responsible, productive member of society?
Once the son reaches adulthood, it is up to HIM to want the best for himself and BECOME a responsible, productive member of society.

Every parent wants the best for their children, so we raise them the best we can and expect them to take over when they reach adulthood.

It isn't what we want for them, it's what they want for themselves and how badly they want it, and how much they are willing to work for it.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:31 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,679,685 times
Reputation: 2194
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocean2026 View Post
(((((((( He appreciates nothing))))))) I bought him a 1000 kayak for his birthday ( i was able to afford it then) because he used to kayak and a 11 months later its not opened. I told him to expect between $3k and $8 K his first year and that it will come out of my IRA ( no penalty for withdrawals for education) and he complains I should have had more in for him. I have a career plan for myself and he tells me because it will cost something that its a bad idea and his college comes first. His mom agrees with me 100% - he somehow lost the boundaries between parent and child and criticizes her life as well.
That should be a red flag.

What makes you think he would appreciate you handing him a college education? He sounds very lazy and doesn't want to have to work too hard. I would believe he wouldn't work too hard in college either. If he had to pay for it himself, he would either lose everything or pull himself up and take care of business. His friends are going, so he wants to go. It's the 'in' thing to do. Besides that, if you pay for it, it's PARTY, PARTY, PARTY. If HE pays for it, it's buckle down and work because it's his future he's working toward.

It's time you allow your son to become a man. Expect more from him that he expects from you OR himself. He needs to grow up and take responsibility.

Last edited by NoExcuses; 04-07-2010 at 12:43 PM..
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,376,368 times
Reputation: 41122
I have to agree - I would feel under no obligation at all to go over my bills with my child to "prove" that I couldn't afford something they wanted. Although frankly, I can't even imagine that attitude from either of my kids.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:37 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,054,901 times
Reputation: 16702
I raised 2 sons and a stepson. I also paid for my own college education before and during my marriage. My sons were told we would help, but college was their responsibility. Get good grades, find a scholarship and a student loan. One chose to go to a trade school and the other went to a juco to save expenses and finish up the last 2 years at a full 4-year school. I am proud of my boys. My stepson was always told his education would be paid for. He enrolled, dropped out of 4 of his 5 classes and failed the 5th. He enrolled the next semester but I convinced his father to talk him out of a full schedule. He waited until the week after he could have gotten any money back to withdraw. He did it again the next semester. At that point, I convinced my husband to make it clear to the mother and the stepson that his education would be REFUNDED, not funded. At the end of any semester, he was welcome to submit his grade and would be reimbursed for any class he passed.

He decided he doesn't want to go to college, but can he use his college money for a new car? AHAHAHAHAHA.

Luckily my husband is on board with my way of thinking -- now.
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:56 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,679,685 times
Reputation: 2194
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
At that point, I convinced my husband to make it clear to the mother and the stepson that his education would be REFUNDED, not funded. At the end of any semester, he was welcome to submit his grade and would be reimbursed for any class he passed.

He decided he doesn't want to go to college, but can he use his college money for a new car? AHAHAHAHAHA.
What a great idea. REALLY great idea.

Funny, funny boy. A new car. What planet does he live on?
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