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Old 04-09-2010, 10:06 AM
 
576 posts, read 989,134 times
Reputation: 549

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Creek Hollow View Post
The marriage he should feel most fervently about is his own.

It sounds like you have bent over backwards to accommodate this man because of your daughter. But she's an adult, and if push comes to shove, it's time for her to shoulder the responsibility that comes with being married to him. And that does not mean moving in with you.
Oh we have, bent over more than b'wards. They were h/s sweethearts and the problems were evident from the start.

He couldn't keep a job, didn't go to any kind of secondary education/training, tech-school, anything. Bounced from job to job to job. No real direction. I didn't care if he picked up dog poo for a living, but find something you do, and do well, and can make a decent living doing, before marrying our daughter.

But nope. A marriage it was to be. I did try to paint, numerous times, and to the detriment of mine and my daughter's relationship and closeness, a picture of what the future holds in marrying someone w/no ambition, no goals, and worse yet, cannot be trusted to tell the truth.
Even so far as telling her that she might want to prepare for the fact that she may have to work 2 and 3 jobs if it means them being able to make it, because he simply has shown a pattern of loosing job after job after job and all under questionable circumstances, and lies upon lies behind it all.

I was told, that they love each other, they both know the problems at hand, but will work together, thru it. Isn't young love just so precious?

We own our own business that is struggling mightily in this economy. And on occasion that the guy has been out of work, we have utilized him and paid him some. But he has absolutely zero for mechanical inclination and the little bit of project work we can put together and utilize him on, requires just that. He has none. So basically he gets paid (not a lot, we don't have a whole lot of work, nothing steady), to stand there and watch.

Went ahead and paid for a (conservative) wedding. As our daughter, has always been someone to be proud of. Good grades in school, respectable, went on to secndary education and worked to help pay for it. She deserved to have some semblance of the wedding she had dreamed of. So that's what we did for her. Even though we stood toe to toe, for mos. on end, and ultimately damaged/compromised our relationship in the process, trying to get her to not marry him, not right now. Go live with him. Just live with him if you think you guys need to be together.

But his family would not hear of a "living together" arrangement. And so, they pressed forward, with a marriage.

And here we are today, 1 year later. Just where I predicted things would go. He spent the first 4 1/2 mos. of their marriage, unemployed. Finally got a job, that we got for him, thru connections. And just quit, no-showed one day. The explanation was that he'd gotten a better job. Went on to that job, and quit that one. And got a 2nd opportunity that we provided, thru a connection. Had been at that one for 7 mos., and now no longer works there. And the explanation he provides doesn't even make good sense.

And this is just in the past year. He had about 14 jobs before they even married. None with any path he truly intended to follow and work up the ladder.

Our daughter has left him a couple of times over this last year, ........ too much to go into but suffice it to say it was due to the above, and lies associated thereof.

And so here we are today. Him having lost yet another job, and of course, my worry that it'll be my doorstep they land on.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,729,069 times
Reputation: 1933
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
All of my extended family sees the plight (we've talked). They all would refuse "him" refuge. All except my spouse. My spouse fervently believes that you do not separate a marriage.

In other words, my approach is one of "well our daughter can come home if she needs to, but not him, he can go live with his folks for all I care". My daughter doesn't like his folks, and won't wanna live with them, should it come to that. My spouse's approach is that you do not separate a marital union, that's not ours to do.
Well there seems to be an issue in your marriage since you can not both agree on what is best for your daughter. Maybe you need to speak to a counselor that helps you make the decision that is best for your daughter.

Also I am curious in why you are being so vague about who you are, the mom or the dad. Some people assume you are a woman but it sounds to me like you are a man. Women tend to want to rescue their babies no matter what which is what your spouse wants to do.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:11 AM
 
576 posts, read 989,134 times
Reputation: 549
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzie02 View Post
Well there seems to be an issue in your marriage since you can not both agree on what is best for your daughter. Maybe you need to speak to a counselor that helps you make the decision that is best for your daughter.

Also I am curious in why you are being so vague about who you are, the mom or the dad. Some people assume you are a woman but it sounds to me like you are a man. Women tend to want to rescue their babies no matter what which is what your spouse wants to do.
no intention to be vague, I'm the mom.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Brushy Creek
806 posts, read 2,874,447 times
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Short of their marriage being abusive in ANY way, stay out of it. Whether right or wrong, you'll be THEIR scape goat, and believe it or not, the worst kind if you're right.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,729,069 times
Reputation: 1933
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
no intention to be vague, I'm the mom.
Oh sorry. Is your daughter a daddy's girl then? Is that why he wants to do whatever your daughter wants? I really don't know what you can do other that put your foot down and say to your husband that you wouldn't feel comfortable having another man in the house. It is your house after all and you should have a say on who lives there. I myself like walking around my house in sleeping shirts that I couldn't wear around men other than my dh. Do not make the issue about what a loser your daughter's husband is, make it about your comfort in your own house. Make it clear to your husband that you being unhappy will translate into your dh being unhappy too.
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Old 04-09-2010, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Brushy Creek
806 posts, read 2,874,447 times
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Quote:
Make it clear to your husband that you being unhappy will translate into your dh being unhappy too.
Horrible ultimatum that sets precedence that you'll pay for, one way or another, down the road....

Otherwise agree with the putting foot down, just not to the point of ultimatums that WILL back fire, and letting him know the two of them need to work out their issues and everyone else stay out of it.
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Old 04-09-2010, 11:58 AM
 
848 posts, read 1,945,374 times
Reputation: 1373
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
Oh we have, bent over more than b'wards. They were h/s sweethearts and the problems were evident from the start.
....................................

And so here we are today. Him having lost yet another job, and of course, my worry that it'll be my doorstep they land on.
I can feel your stress through your writing. The big problem is that you and your husband are not in agreement on how to deal with the seemingly inevitable collapse of their current living arrangement.

There's going to be bad juju if they move into your house and you're the only one who sees the handwriting on the wall. Since your husband can't understand your reasoning, I agree with the poster above who suggested counseling. I think he needs to hear reason from a third party.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,729,069 times
Reputation: 1933
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spookmeister View Post
Horrible ultimatum that sets precedence that you'll pay for, one way or another, down the road....

Otherwise agree with the putting foot down, just not to the point of ultimatums that WILL back fire, and letting him know the two of them need to work out their issues and everyone else stay out of it.
All I meant was that she let her husband know that she will nag him to death nothing else. Which will happen even if she doesn't warn him.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:18 AM
 
576 posts, read 989,134 times
Reputation: 549
Default Angry Parent In Law

I'll probably just cave in and let them both come this way, should that need occur.

Maybe it won't. Maybe the guy will find yet another job and things will rock along, til the next time.

And yes, to any who think I meddle in their affairs and try to persuade my daughter to leave him, or any other such thing, I don't. I stay out of it. I'm an ear if she needs one, a shoulder, if she needs one, but other than that, I don't push in either direction. VERY VERY hard to do. When it's obvious what my leanings would be. But I shut my mouth. I don't want to be anybody's scapegoat.
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Old 04-10-2010, 04:08 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,768,838 times
Reputation: 11122
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
I'll probably just cave in and let them both come this way, should that need occur.
Before they step foot in your house, you sit them down and read them the riot act regarding their rent, house responsibilities (whatever they may be), and the first time son-in-law slacks off in any way, they're out.

And ignore what your husband says. He's wrong. One of you needs to be the man, and he's not it.
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