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Keep the door open for your daughter, nnyl. I was once the daughter married to the loser. My mother kept her mouth shut and she still doesn't know half the things he did, but she was there for me and I knew it and needed it.
Your daughter will get rid of him when she is ready, but it takes until you get to a certain point. We don't like to admit that we picked the world's worst husband and there is a certain shame in admitting defeat in a marriage. I guarantee that her self-esteem is at rock bottom right now. And she probably does have co-dependent issues as someone pointed out--she's taking on the burden of his flaws and making it her job to fix him.
I certainly did not want my mother's help in resolving my problems, but in the end, she stepped in when it became necessary--I'd given him the ultimatum of rehab or leave, and he was screaming that he was going to take our daughter and disappear and I'd never see her again, all the while winging shoes and keys and whatever was handy at me, and my mother saw and heard this and called the cops.
Ten years later, the moron is still telling people that my mother was responsible for the breakup our marriage. <shrug>. Had nothing to do with his drinking, drug use, unwillingness to work...
If you see that your daughter is in danger, then you will know it's time to step in. Meanwhile, just be there for her.
Keep the door open for your daughter, nnyl. I was once the daughter married to the loser. My mother kept her mouth shut and she still doesn't know half the things he did, but she was there for me and I knew it and needed it.
Your daughter will get rid of him when she is ready, but it takes until you get to a certain point. We don't like to admit that we picked the world's worst husband and there is a certain shame in admitting defeat in a marriage. I guarantee that her self-esteem is at rock bottom right now. And she probably does have co-dependent issues as someone pointed out--she's taking on the burden of his flaws and making it her job to fix him.
I certainly did not want my mother's help in resolving my problems, but in the end, she stepped in when it became necessary--I'd given him the ultimatum of rehab or leave, and he was screaming that he was going to take our daughter and disappear and I'd never see her again, all the while winging shoes and keys and whatever was handy at me, and my mother saw and heard this and called the cops.
Ten years later, the moron is still telling people that my mother was responsible for the breakup our marriage. <shrug>. Had nothing to do with his drinking, drug use, unwillingness to work...
If you see that your daughter is in danger, then you will know it's time to step in. Meanwhile, just be there for her.
Thanks mightyqueen. Needed to hear that. I can't imagine much that would be more troubling w/this whole thing, unless it is to then shut my daughter and her troubles out of my life and tell her to keep em to herself. I can't imagine hurting her like that. That isn't what we're about, not our family.
Yes it eats me alive watching all this, but I also love my daughter enough that I'm there for her, in whatever capacity she needs, a shoulder, an ear.
I did have to chuckle a bit at the above. There isn't any domestic abuse that I'm aware of, and I only chuckle because, while domestic abuse is never funny or something to laugh at. If he even so much as raised a hand to her, it would be on, I feel quite sure. Not that I would think it's funny to see the two go to blows. But they are both, in physical stature, about the same size. So I think he'd likely have his hands full if he ever did that.
Hopefully the idjit will find his way, somehow (I don't see it happening) to adulthood and being responsible before it costs him his wife, and btw, her family, which he adores. But if not, ........... I will be there for my daughter, as I would hope that my mother would've been there for me.
Thanks mightyqueen. Needed to hear that. I can't imagine much that would be more troubling w/this whole thing, unless it is to then shut my daughter and her troubles out of my life and tell her to keep em to herself. I can't imagine hurting her like that. That isn't what we're about, not our family.
Yes it eats me alive watching all this, but I also love my daughter enough that I'm there for her, in whatever capacity she needs, a shoulder, an ear.
I did have to chuckle a bit at the above. There isn't any domestic abuse that I'm aware of, and I only chuckle because, while domestic abuse is never funny or something to laugh at. If he even so much as raised a hand to her, it would be on, I feel quite sure. Not that I would think it's funny to see the two go to blows. But they are both, in physical stature, about the same size. So I think he'd likely have his hands full if he ever did that.
Hopefully the idjit will find his way, somehow (I don't see it happening) to adulthood and being responsible before it costs him his wife, and btw, her family, which he adores. But if not, ........... I will be there for my daughter, as I would hope that my mother would've been there for me.
That's OK! I am very tall and physically strong, so I was in a less precarious situation than are most women, and being pelted with whatever was handy was his usual m.o. However, in the state of New Jersey, one parent threatening to take children and disappear is grounds enough for a restraining order.
Maybe that's what your daughter needs to do--not hurt him, but learn some moves and wrestle him to the ground until he agrees to her terms!
That's OK! I am very tall and physically strong, so I was in a less precarious situation than are most women, and being pelted with whatever was handy was his usual m.o. However, in the state of New Jersey, one parent threatening to take children and disappear is grounds enough for a restraining order.
Maybe that's what your daughter needs to do--not hurt him, but learn some moves and wrestle him to the ground until he agrees to her terms!
LOL. She could do it, for sure.
Some here have inferred that my daughter is in some kinda wierd co-dependent sorta thing.
I have some family members that are like that. They have a "need" to fix others. She isn't happy doing that, thus all the discord. She's not of the ilk to follow someone around and clean up their messes.
Oh well, if nothing else, your suggestion above, just wrestle him to the ground. LOL
well I would tell my daughter flat out she is welcome but not her low life husband and she can also bring the kids ,pets what have you but not the husband . I would also suggest that when she leaves the next time she makes it the last time cause now with her going back all the time , he will think she is not serious about a divorce . My sister is going through this very thing with her daughter . Her daughters husband works for his dad and there are weeks when they dont pay him and they think that is okay cause the wife is working . I have told my sister that she needs to put her foot down with her daughter and tell her to get a divorce and be done with it cause the daughter will always be paying the bills and beating herself to death to keep a roof over their heads . the husband acts like a child as well . My niece will never have any kids with this man because he is so lazy and wont work except for his parents . Nope you need to put your foot down as well and make it very clear to your daughter that if her husband does not straighten up she needs to get the divorce and get it soon before he drags her down with him . I wish you luck dear .
Some here have inferred that my daughter is in some kinda wierd co-dependent sorta thing.
I have some family members that are like that. They have a "need" to fix others. She isn't happy doing that, thus all the discord. She's not of the ilk to follow someone around and clean up their messes.
When you started this thread I thought you really wanted to hear others' opinions, now it is clear that all you want us to say what a terrible person you SIL and how poor you dd is by having married him.
Anyone who stay in the type of relationship you have described has some issues. Co-dependency doesn't mean that she wants to fix him, it means that she has such low self-esteem that she depends on this relationship because she doesn't believe there is someone better for her out there.
Yep. The daughter would have ended this relationship a long time ago if she didn't have issues. A healthy person doesn't keep going back to an unhealthy relationship.
She's definitely co-dependent. The fact that she keeps leaving him and is unhappy is irrelevant. The fact she keeps going back to him is very relevant.
Many co-dependent people are unhappy. The OP's daughter apparently thrives on living in discord.
When you started this thread I thought you really wanted to hear others' opinions, now it is clear that all you want us to say what a terrible person you SIL and how poor you dd is by having married him.
Anyone who stay in the type of relationship you have described has some issues. Co-dependency doesn't mean that she wants to fix him, it means that she has such low self-esteem that she depends on this relationship because she doesn't believe there is someone better for her out there.
Anyone who can't see what a cad he is, and sticks up for the behaviors outlined herein, I don't know what to say about that person. He is a cad, a low-life, thus far. Maybe he'll mature. Maybe he won't. But of course, as the mother to the daughter in that equation, my heart breaks for her. She deserves better, and maybe one day that'll come, either on her own, or with him.
Now, having said that, please do not make the determination that my daughter is seen through rose-colored glasses here by myself. She isn't. She has her faults also, don't we all.
But lying, is not one of em. And the inability to keep a job, is also not one of em. I just think if you try to build a marriage, and one of the spouses is a consummate liar, you have got some rough rough roads ahead. And the mother of the daughter in this whole scenario, I'm concerned for her.
I'm also concerned, as was stated previously about having to provide shelter to a liar, and a bum. And anybody who could blame me for that, again, I don't know what to say about that person.
I don't know what keeps her in that union thus far, co-dependency, lack of self-worth, whatever it is, at this juncture, she chooses to remain. It's been made clear to her, by myself, that it is her choice. I have my thoughts on it all, vented here, but not to her.
Anyone who can't see what a cad he is, and sticks up for the behaviors outlined herein, I don't know what to say about that person. He is a cad, a low-life, thus far. Maybe he'll mature. Maybe he won't. But of course, as the mother to the daughter in that equation, my heart breaks for her. She deserves better, and maybe one day that'll come, either on her own, or with him.
Now, having said that, please do not make the determination that my daughter is seen through rose-colored glasses here by myself. She isn't. She has her faults also, don't we all.
But lying, is not one of em. And the inability to keep a job, is also not one of em. I just think if you try to build a marriage, and one of the spouses is a consummate liar, you have got some rough rough roads ahead. And the mother of the daughter in this whole scenario, I'm concerned for her.
I'm also concerned, as was stated previously about having to provide shelter to a liar, and a bum. And anybody who could blame me for that, again, I don't know what to say about that person.
I don't know what keeps her in that union thus far, co-dependency, lack of self-worth, whatever it is, at this juncture, she chooses to remain. It's been made clear to her, by myself, that it is her choice. I have my thoughts on it all, vented here, but not to her.
Ok. You other post sounded like it is all him and she is just a poor bystander. She is allowing him to behave this way towards her. She needs counseling to figure out why she is being a doormat. She can only fix herself, she can never fix him. Whenever she complains to you, you may want to ask her why she allows him to treat her that way.
Ok. You other post sounded like it is all him and she is just a poor bystander. She is allowing him to behave this way towards her. She needs counseling to figure out why she is being a doormat. She can only fix herself, she can never fix him. Whenever she complains to you, you may want to ask her why she allows him to treat her that way.
great question. I will ask that one
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