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Old 07-11-2010, 07:21 PM
 
32,516 posts, read 37,042,199 times
Reputation: 32572

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Believe it or not, folks, I know just where the OP lives. Right down to what her house probably looks like and the year it was built. Yorba Linda is an upper middle class town where keeping up with the Joneses means everything. You are judged by your clothes, your car, the private school your child attends, where you shop and where your seats are for the Angels' games.

To the OP: Move. Get outta Dodge. Sell that house and that lifestyle and save your family and your child. And not to South Orange County or Woodland Hills or Malibu. Find yourself a smaller town out of state or up in the mountains. Life will not be perfect, but it will probably be better. A lot better.

Right now I have a friend who is living your story. She lives in Corona Del Mar. She actually told me she couldn't give her entitled, needy, spoiled rotten 21 year old a junker to drive to UCI. Because the neighbors would talk if there was an old VW parked out front instead of a Lexus. (Yes, fellow posters. That is how life is in this part of the world.) Move to where your have-everything children will not be running into their spoiled rotten friends at South Coast Plaza or Fashion Island. Where their friends don't have maids and no one comes to their house to cut their hair.

Because that lifestyle is making a whole lot of 13 year olds into children who are bossing their parents and judging their dads because they don't drive Porsches. It's insane.

Obviously, I could be tremendously off-base here. But my gut tells me I'm right. And I think I'm probably telling you what you already know. There's something toxic in the air and it ain't the smog. You CAN change your life. You CAN reign in your daughter. You CAN cut off her phone. You CAN save your family. You CAN decide you don't care what your neighbors think. You CAN do what you already know you have to do.

People make these kinds of changes and moves all of the time. I wish you luck.
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Old 07-11-2010, 07:55 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,048,974 times
Reputation: 16702
Wow, you didn't really read half the good information that was already presented to you. Yes, it has gone too far and something must be done. Counselling is not what must be done. Taking responsibility for this brat you created is what must be done. Hopefully today rather than waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

#1. You NEVER had control -
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbk21 View Post
but she doesn't understand that we are in control and she has to listen to us until she is 18.
And you obviously are not going to take back control until you stop worrying about her psyche that you are damaging by focusing on her wants and not on her needs. She NEEDS you in control. There is no try, JUST DO IT.

#2. You and your husband might benefit from some tough love counselling, but talk therapy alone without direction is not going to help your daughter.

#3. Seriously, people adjust to making new friends - not all children who were army brats have damaged psyches from changing schools, making new friends, etc.

#4. If she throws things, there's too much stuff in her room.

#5. If she screams loud enough to have neighbors calling the police, have her arrested for disturbing the peace. Let her be held responsible for her behavior. Stop protecting her from herself. She isn't old enough or smart enough to know what is good/best for her. Some one please find an adult to make those decisions for this child.


Now, as I said in an earlier post, if you want to save your daughter, stop looking for someone else to take control or be responsible. YOU gave birth to this child who is acting like a demon, and YOU are the one who must do this.

Take out everything in her room except what she NEEDS. She doesn't need an ipod, or walkman, or TV or cellphone, etc. She needs a desk, a dresser, and a bed. She needs a week's worth of clothing and a pair of shoes (and not Jimmy Choo or any of that expensive stuff). She does NOT need jewelry or make-up. If she didn't pay for it, she doesn't get anything beyond what she NEEDS.

She needs 3 meals a day - not steak, not shrimp, not sushi. She does not need soda or snacks. Those are extra.

She NEEDS to learn how to use the washer/dryer and to do her own laundry - starting now, today. She needs to clean her own room and to patch the holes or to live with them.

If she continues to destroy things, she needs to have the door to her room removed so she can be observed since she obviously cannot be trusted.

She needs to learn how to say yes, Mom and thank you, Mom.

Someone in your home needs to grow up and be a responsible adult - hopefully it will be one of the parents - sooner rather than after she is arrested.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mbk21 View Post
Hi everyone,
I have been busy with other things and I haven't had the time to check this thread, but I had the opportunity to read some of it. It really hurts to read a lot of what was said, I haven't been doing my job to the fullest extent as a mother and I haven't been trying to make informed decisions with my husband. But he doesn't seem to want to say no to her.

It is our fault for not being united in disciplining her and now it has gone too far. However, we must focus on a solution and that is counseling. We had the school counselors come in and she refused to talk to them. However, I have arranged a counselor and my husband and I will go there at least. I'm just hopeful we can get our daughter to come eventually and open up so it will be effective.

We have given up the private school fight. However, she will have to transfer to a new high school in the fall. The reason is, a new high school has opened up and the district will not approve a transfer to the high school that will take her friends from the JR high. She says she will not go to school period if she doesn't get to go to the school of her choice. But this is honestly something we have no control over. I hope with counseling we can maybe ease it on her.

Any tips on how to deal with this part of the problem? I mean it's not like we are moving, she can still hang out with the friends from her jr. high. But she brought up an intereting dilemma. She wants to play Bball next year and what if she has to play against her friends from other schools? I feel bad for her in this regard, but it has to be done.

I have heard of horror stories of kids rebelling and being psychologically affected by switching high schools. I don't want her to be traumatized by this in any way. I love her from the bottom of my heart, I know teenage years are tough and I want her to be well-prepared, happy, and healthy.

Thanks for any advice.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan View Post
You and your husband are the problem. Children actually need sturcture and they need discipline. You have allowed her to manipulate and control you and you have caved in to all of her demands.
She has control over you and she is playing you. You need to take back control of your child.
She is only 13 and I believe you can still help her. She needs counseling, she may even need a psychiatrist. Please get her some help. Don't give into her tantrums. The older she gets the more difficult she will become if you don't do something now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa View Post
It's not a phase.

From someone who absolutely HATES parenting books, even the idea in and of itself, here is a recommendation for a ...well ...parenting book author, just to save breath.
Get any of John Rosemond's books: A Family of Value, Parent Power or Parenting by the Book.
Or all three.

The overall message in those books is THE ONLY answer.
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Old 07-11-2010, 08:19 PM
 
2,725 posts, read 5,176,804 times
Reputation: 1963
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Take out everything in her room except what she NEEDS. She doesn't need an ipod, or walkman, or TV or cellphone, etc. She needs a desk, a dresser, and a bed. She needs a week's worth of clothing and a pair of shoes (and not Jimmy Choo or any of that expensive stuff). She does NOT need jewelry or make-up. If she didn't pay for it, she doesn't get anything beyond what she NEEDS.

She needs 3 meals a day - not steak, not shrimp, not sushi. She does not need soda or snacks. Those are extra.

She NEEDS to learn how to use the washer/dryer and to do her own laundry - starting now, today. She needs to clean her own room and to patch the holes or to live with them.

If she continues to destroy things, she needs to have the door to her room removed so she can be observed since she obviously cannot be trusted.

She needs to learn how to say yes, Mom and thank you, Mom.

Someone in your home needs to grow up and be a responsible adult - hopefully it will be one of the parents - sooner rather than after she is arrested.
This is perfect but will take a lot of guts. It will take some backbone and I don't think they have it. I would do it. I saw how this extreme parenting worked for my cousin. I wouldn't wait that late, though.
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Old 07-12-2010, 12:56 AM
 
Location: florida
314 posts, read 413,552 times
Reputation: 164
talk to your husband and come up with a discipline plan dont give in to her let her kick up hell put your foot down no means no and if worst comes to worst as horrible as it is send her to boot camp tell her if you missbehave your actions will have negative effects theres no way she will learn if you keep giving in to her. your husband is her slave. as harsh as this sounds you cant allow her to control your life. you have gotten yourself in a real bad spot theres no easy way. good luck!!!
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Old 07-12-2010, 01:18 AM
 
Location: florida
314 posts, read 413,552 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOnRainjer View Post
I have a 13 yr old stepson who is a ungrateful, disrepsectful, and only thinks of himself. He threatens to call family services everytime you try to reprimand him. I cant get him to voluntarily do homework, chores, or anything that involves effort. He states his teachers at school say 65% is all that is needed to pass so why try harder. He always says he does things the EASY way (translation to adult language = laziness). He threatens to go live with his biological father only to hurt his mother. When confronted with actually moving he backs off and forgets he said that. Sad part is, the reality is that his real father doesnt want anything to do with him. This child wants only for himself and no others. I am only a stepfather so I do not punish him at all other than defining the rules within our home. He constantly tells me I will go to jail if i ever touch him. He disrespects his mother completely and she cant say or do anything to get him to listen to her. This sadly could end up costing me a treasured and loving relationship because mom turns the other way as she doesnt now how to get control of the situation nor will allow me to take control of the situation. Im not allowed to raise my voice so I sit idly by waiting for the collapse of the whole situation. I cannot be the only parent suffering at the hands of an ungrateful child.........almost had enough.

thats difficult just let him threat as long as you dont touch he has no claim. its really horrible what kids are like sometimes. she needs to find a form of punishment that would affect him and she would stand her ground on. he will learn that he cant get away with everything. read ny anne if that wont help then i dont know what will. you really need to get the mom to start taking care of her kid thats the main issue. i have to admit you have loads of patience i wish i had that kind of patience
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Old 07-12-2010, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,481 posts, read 3,934,852 times
Reputation: 2434
is there such a thing as parent abuse? fer real .. Guess I will stand by my remarks that a kid needs an attation getter then you can disipline them .. theres been some very good advise by several folks here .. and honestly sometimes the kids need the wake up call of a smack on the butt .. at 13 tho .. the kid is already ruined .. they know their rights but not the responsibilities that earn them rights .. time to take the kid to court and charge them as uncontrolable .. then the kid has to answer to a diffrent "boss" yes your gonna have the system involved in your life but you will be in charge once again once the kid is under control
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:26 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 7,414,803 times
Reputation: 3899
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faworki1947 View Post
No one ever expects that CPS will show up at their door and we as parents are not prepard for what can happen ..
YES get a lawyer who is experineced in cps stuff.. you will need it. Now that the kid relizes she has this "power" over the family unit she will be impossible to control.. the worker tells you INFRONT OF the kids that your not allowed to correct them and the kids think they are now in charge .. I have been there and delt with a deal that was horrible due to a 13 yr old brats lies my own g/son lied and twisted what was happening in our family unit to a school friend who "helped" his friend by calling anonously and getting the ball rolling .. we to made the mistake of letting the worker into the house and showing them the kids room the pantry and all the stuff they asked for and we had a case worker for nearly a year after even tho it was proven and seen the kid was lying to get out of being responsible for his bed wetting issues .. yeh a bedwetter issue
kid said:
1 they wake me up in the middle of the night and wont let me sleep
( of course we did trying to help him train himself to get up and toliet )
2my bed stinks its moldy and trashed with big holes in it and the springs coming out
( gee he peed in it and took markers to the matress AFTER tore off the plastice matteress cover so it wouldnt get wet due to his not getting up to pee at night)
3 They make me wear pissy smelling clothes to school
( umm he was the one putting wet underwear/sleep pants in the dresser to hid them from us .. so the cloths did stink but he was the one doing it !)
4 They dont feed me
( excuse me Miss CpS.. why is the boy so big? .. he wanted junk food & not what we made.. the kid was a high class manipulatior btw.. he got two hot lunches at school because he told them that we didnt give them anything but sandwchs for dinner .. )
5we didnt let him watch TV but every body else could ..
( ok that was partly true but the fact of the matter is our tv was broken and we didnt have money for replacement or repairs and NOBODY could watch tv)
6Grandma made me stand in the corner for 27 hours till I puked and passed out
(27 hours huh? okkk.. seems you had to go to school during the time period you claimed.. )
7 they make me write sentences and now my hand hurts
( YES I DID.. but no one asked why or how many and I had them to show the cps lady )
BUT the worker sided with the kid and demanded we get him a new matteress .. w/o a plastic cover cause she didnt want him to feel we were picking on him
she also said he needed his sleep and we shouldnt wake him at 4am to pee ( so of course now he could and didnt have to be responsible for his actions) she also said no more making him do his own laundry .. that was our job .. umm excuse me? he peed the bed and the sheets and stuck the stuff in the drawers .. how is that NOT his responsibilty?He wouldnt take a bath .. but we needed to stop nagging him over the bo he had .. ( he was at that stage to no bath /shower for his age ) AND THEN she got on us for not keeping him clean ( the school called that one in because he told them we didnt have running water in the house )
It truely was a mess and we delt with it for a year jumping thru hoops that were always raised higher than normal .. because the kid knew he only had to complain and she would be on us like a fly on stink ..
Faworki,

What you are writing is so, so scary it makes me want to run, run, run and never come back!!!

I CANNOT believe that an organization that can come to parents' doors and tell them that laundry is THEIR job, not the child's!!! - is an actual legal organization. Based on what you said, and if all this is true, these nasty people should somehow be made to disappear. Forever.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:23 PM
 
Location: Under the SUNNY WARM SUN ....
18,089 posts, read 11,706,475 times
Reputation: 19630
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faworki1947 View Post
No one ever expects that CPS will show up at their door and we as parents are not prepard for what can happen ..
YES get a lawyer who is experineced in cps stuff.. you will need it. Now that the kid relizes she has this "power" over the family unit she will be impossible to control.. the worker tells you INFRONT OF the kids that your not allowed to correct them and the kids think they are now in charge .. I have been there and delt with a deal that was horrible due to a 13 yr old brats lies my own g/son lied and twisted what was happening in our family unit to a school friend who "helped" his friend by calling anonously and getting the ball rolling .. we to made the mistake of letting the worker into the house and showing them the kids room the pantry and all the stuff they asked for and we had a case worker for nearly a year after even tho it was proven and seen the kid was lying to get out of being responsible for his bed wetting issues .. yeh a bedwetter issue
kid said:
1 they wake me up in the middle of the night and wont let me sleep
( of course we did trying to help him train himself to get up and toliet )
2my bed stinks its moldy and trashed with big holes in it and the springs coming out
( gee he peed in it and took markers to the matress AFTER tore off the plastice matteress cover so it wouldnt get wet due to his not getting up to pee at night)
3 They make me wear pissy smelling clothes to school
( umm he was the one putting wet underwear/sleep pants in the dresser to hid them from us .. so the cloths did stink but he was the one doing it !)
4 They dont feed me
( excuse me Miss CpS.. why is the boy so big? .. he wanted junk food & not what we made.. the kid was a high class manipulatior btw.. he got two hot lunches at school because he told them that we didnt give them anything but sandwchs for dinner .. )
5we didnt let him watch TV but every body else could ..
( ok that was partly true but the fact of the matter is our tv was broken and we didnt have money for replacement or repairs and NOBODY could watch tv)
6Grandma made me stand in the corner for 27 hours till I puked and passed out
(27 hours huh? okkk.. seems you had to go to school during the time period you claimed.. )
7 they make me write sentences and now my hand hurts
( YES I DID.. but no one asked why or how many and I had them to show the cps lady )
BUT the worker sided with the kid and demanded we get him a new matteress .. w/o a plastic cover cause she didnt want him to feel we were picking on him
she also said he needed his sleep and we shouldnt wake him at 4am to pee ( so of course now he could and didnt have to be responsible for his actions) she also said no more making him do his own laundry .. that was our job .. umm excuse me? he peed the bed and the sheets and stuck the stuff in the drawers .. how is that NOT his responsibilty?He wouldnt take a bath .. but we needed to stop nagging him over the bo he had .. ( he was at that stage to no bath /shower for his age ) AND THEN she got on us for not keeping him clean ( the school called that one in because he told them we didnt have running water in the house )
It truely was a mess and we delt with it for a year jumping thru hoops that were always raised higher than normal .. because the kid knew he only had to complain and she would be on us like a fly on stink ..


Not to hijack- but to say this is Gawd-awful! I read it twice because I simply find this horrifying.
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:30 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,481 posts, read 3,934,852 times
Reputation: 2434
yanno I am still angry over this mess.. its been 10 yrs now since it happened .. the family structure is ruined my daughter and her husband ended a marriage because these two little boys were master manuplitpers and put a wedge into a relationship because they wanted there mother and dad together never mind the real mom gave them to the dad and my daughter because they were ruining her life and love as well .. .. Can I call them demons .. I think so and you saw it happen soon as the cps got involverd with our home. and told the boys they had rights and to tell on us ..
the boys then had total control to lie steal and cheat and abuse and not get punished ,,
I tried hard with them boys .. I wanted them to grow up and be good guys but because we couldnt fairly disipline them we lost control and finally just gave up .. it was bad .. I finally let them run till they got into trouble and get arrested for their crap .. and it was a relief .. the cps worker who had "saved" them from my bad grandparenting was shocked that they were in trouble with the law and couldnt seem to take responsibility for her efforts .. they are now 21 and 23 and are still into the you owe me game .. they are no longer welcome at my house .. the one who caused all the issues in the first place was here about a year ago and brought it to that .. I was literly afraid of him and what he was going to do or say next .. his brother is no better

Last edited by Faworki1947; 07-14-2010 at 07:31 PM.. Reason: correction in timeline
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Old 07-14-2010, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,481 posts, read 3,934,852 times
Reputation: 2434
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa View Post
Faworki,

What you are writing is so, so scary it makes me want to run, run, run and never come back!!!

I CANNOT believe that an organization that can come to parents' doors and tell them that laundry is THEIR job, not the child's!!! - is an actual legal organization. Based on what you said, and if all this is true, these nasty people should somehow be made to disappear. Forever.

google CPS and see some of the stuff these folks can do and will do to folks who dont kiss their a$$.. its bad ..
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