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Old 04-12-2010, 10:40 AM
 
1,106 posts, read 3,519,647 times
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How do you tame a 13 year old. Do it just like they tame wild animals. Put a leash on her that she can't break when she is little then when she reaches 13 she won't know any difference and think she can't break the leash.

This could be a phase as I teach 11-13 year olds all day and they change ALOT in 6th thru 8th grade.
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Old 04-12-2010, 11:38 AM
 
2,540 posts, read 6,209,671 times
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This thread can't be serious. I have a 14 yr old dd who doesn't need taming because we never let down our reins. Demanding her food be served in her room? Give me a break! The first time my dd ever demands something will be her last time. Who is the child and who is the parent in this family?
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Old 04-12-2010, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
18,356 posts, read 31,432,361 times
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I couldn't even finish reading your first post, but a parent does not or should not ever have to give in to a 13 years old's demands, are you kidding me. Your daughter sounds like a royal spoiled brat. She knows everyone will give in to her.
I think what your daughter needed was a good old fashioned crack across the mouth. Your husband isn't doing you any favors by giving in to her.

I always remember my mother saying, "This is my house, you have to abide by my rules" Now as a parent I have from time to time used that phrase......it works just wondefully....
If your daughter doesn't like the rules of your home, tell her to pack up, get a job, move out and ruin her life.
I have absolutely no patience or sympathy for Parent s that cannot control their children.
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Old 04-13-2010, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Wethersfield, CT
1,273 posts, read 4,146,292 times
Reputation: 907
I'm going put my story out there for you.

My daughter was having serious issues as well around this age. She went from being an honor student to hanging out with troubled kids, skipping class, sneaking out, etc. She began to become extremely disrespectful to me and her teachers at school.

This is what I did.

I stopped working late and made it a point to leave work at 5:00 every day. We ALL got into therapy. I stayed on her like white on rice. I took the cell phone away and only allowed her to take it when she went out so that I could contact her. There were many times I took the phones, internet equipment, etc. out of the house and locked it away. I became very involved in school. I also started listening to her more and became aware that she was having a hard time fitting in. It took her a while to learn how to be comfortable in her own skin. I had to be tough, but it paid off.

She'll be 16 next month and things have never been better. She's now doing a lot better in school. Her teachers all said that she's made a 360 for the better. She's also making better choices in her friends and realizes she wasn't getting anywhere down her former path. We also get along much better now. She knows that as long as she's doing her best and I trust her, everything else will fall into place.

It was extremely challenging. There were times where I had to run into my room and have a cry. Parenting teenagers period is a huge challenge within itself. It's important to be very consistent.
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Old 04-13-2010, 09:44 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,027,229 times
Reputation: 16701
Wow. So the 13 year old calls all the shots - she tells YOU what she will and will not do, where she will go to school, when she will do whatever and she tells you how to spend money YOU have earned. So where are her parents? Do not say that's you, OP, because you gave up that title long ago. When did she get so wise as to know how to raise a family? You realize that she is also setting conditions for how you treat her brothers.

Here's the deal:

As a parent, you are required to provide her with clothes to wear, food to eat, an educational opportunity, and a place to sleep. It needs to be clean.

What you are NOT required to provide her with are: designer clothes, a cell phone, a computer, a TV in her room, a trip to the mall, school of her choice, sheets on her bed even (although I would because ugh on the sleeping on a bare mattress) and someone to clean her room for her.

So here's what I would do with your out of control teen:
1. Take this child down to what you are REQUIRED to provide her - a mattress, sheets, essential clothing, a single pair of shoes (sneakers work), a bookbag, and her school books.

2. Cell phone, TV, computer, anything in the room besides a mattress and a closet (Take out the bedframe as well, just leave a mattress on the floor) all go bye-bye. Sell them, give them away, rent a storage unit, but they leave the house immediately.

3. Spending money? HA! Let her earn an allowance. No gimme or handouts.

4. Designer clothing, extra shoes, out!

5. Post a list of rules:
she may use the family mop, broom, cleaning supplies to maintain her room - and it will be done daily/weekly (YOUR call, not hers).
She will help with dinner cleanup EVERY SINGLE dinner.
She WILL EAT dinner with the family at the table or she foregoes the meal -- HER CHOICE but she WILL BE present during the meal. Snacking is at your discretion - not only what but when. She is not permitted to help herself to food if she has not eaten the family dinner.
She does not have permission to use the family telephone without specific permission for a stated purpose. Do not give her permission for a chat, but she MAY call the police or child welfare to complain about her living conditions.
She does not miss school unless she is clearly sick and you give her permission. She also does not cut classes.
She has no permission to go to the mall or any other shopping.
Friday nights out? BEEP sound - nope. She stays home. She can clean her room or read a book. - she IS permitted library privileges - once a week, supervised.
She goes to therapy/counselling when you tell her she goes.
Temper tantrums will be met with an extra chore around the house.
"NO" is not a part of her vocabulary. She IS permitted to say, "Yes, Mom. Yes, Dad." and to do without a sneer.
I WANT is no longer allowed for HER to say.

And you need to get your family into immediate counselling. It is obvious that neither you nor husband are the head of your household. You have both abdicated your parenting responsibilities with regard to this child and if you do not get immediate control of the situation and of her, you are all heading for family court at the least, involvement with the juvenile authorities, and/or criminal court.
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Old 04-13-2010, 12:22 PM
 
4,796 posts, read 22,834,796 times
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Quote:
5. Post a list of rules:
she may use the family mop, broom, cleaning supplies to maintain her room - and it will be done daily/weekly (YOUR call, not hers).
She will help with dinner cleanup EVERY SINGLE dinner.
She WILL EAT dinner with the family at the table or she foregoes the meal -- HER CHOICE but she WILL BE present during the meal. Snacking is at your discretion - not only what but when. She is not permitted to help herself to food if she has not eaten the family dinner.
She does not have permission to use the family telephone without specific permission for a stated purpose. Do not give her permission for a chat, but she MAY call the police or child welfare to complain about her living conditions.
She does not miss school unless she is clearly sick and you give her permission. She also does not cut classes.
She has no permission to go to the mall or any other shopping.
Friday nights out? BEEP sound - nope. She stays home. She can clean her room or read a book. - she IS permitted library privileges - once a week, supervised.
She goes to therapy/counselling when you tell her she goes.
Temper tantrums will be met with an extra chore around the house.
"NO" is not a part of her vocabulary. She IS permitted to say, "Yes, Mom. Yes, Dad." and to do without a sneer.
I WANT is no longer allowed for HER to say.
You really think posting a list of rules is going to be effective? Somehow I doubt it.
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Old 04-13-2010, 01:13 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,027,229 times
Reputation: 16701
Quote:
Originally Posted by kodaka View Post
You really think posting a list of rules is going to be effective? Somehow I doubt it.
Yes, I do. Rules cannot be enforced if they are unknown. By posting a list of rules, it makes it clear to the child what is expected of her. And it reminds the parents.

It is not simply posting a list of rules. It is posting a list of rules by the new sheriff who makes some drastic changes. The list of rules is reinforcement for those changes and a spelling out of the NEW way the town is going to be run.

Also, IF she should report her parents to child services or the police for restricting her, removing her creature comforts, and claiming she is being otherwise abused, the list POSTED for all to see makes it clear to anyone AND EVERYONE just what is expected and makes it clear she is not being abused by having her privileges (not rights) removed.

Remember, designer clothing, more than one pair of footwear are privileges, not rights. A cellphone (ANY phone for that matter), tv, stereo, etc are PRIVILEGES. They have to be earned. If she were put in a group home, she would have none of those things.

Children are smart (not wise). They know the law - and worse, they know that parents mostly are afraid of having child services involved and children USE that knowledge. So protecting the parents is part of the reason why having rules posted will work.

BTW, I was party to a child having his room stripped to bare bones (not my kid). It didn't take more than a couple weeks for him to come around and sing a new song. It works. But you can't take away a behavior without replacing it with a new one. Having the list of rules ready at the same time as implementing something as drastic as stripping her room gives her (any child) a clear understanding what the new sheriff in town expects.

The child was 11 and heading towards serious problems. He was playing both parents against each other and the father realized he was as guilty as the mother in permitting the behavior but he was willing to change things. So, the computer, gameboy, tv, games, etc. were removed along with the bed frame and most of the clothing. He had left: a mattress on the floor (no pillow); a blanket; clean sheets that he was required to put on the mattress; 1 pair of shoes, 5 pair of school pants,5 school shirts, a pair of pajamas, and 2 pair of jeans and 2 shirts. He was told what the new rules were and handed a list of the rules. It included him doing his own laundry. It included him cleaning his room. The rules also included the rewards for following the rules - earning 1/2 hour of tv time in the family room; earning a snack after dinner; a trip to the library, 1/2 hour of telephone time - (landline in the kitchen with supervision), even earning one special item of clothing (with a girl, how easy to let her pick a favorite outfit or jewelry or make-up! yeah, make-up is a privilege not a right.)

Not having his room clean, or laundry done, or dishes, put him back to square one and lost all privileges earned. He tried the reporting to child services through the school. He was listened to, and he was asked what he thought his parents were required to provide for him. Shut him up fast.

It does help to alert the school what your intentions are. In the above situation, the principal was told what Dad was doing and he took off work to prepare the child's room for the new sheriff. While the principal didn't think the situation called for such a "drastic" plan, she did agree with the concept. She later was fully onboard with this plan. It won't work for all parents. But only because most parents are afraid to do it.
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Old 04-13-2010, 01:23 PM
 
1,895 posts, read 3,401,004 times
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what a flipping mess...

if the OP hasn't made any changes after reading this thread, she is helpless...

we ARE talking about a 13 yr old kid, right??

if she wants to throw a tantrum ALL night long b/c you denied her, let it be...let her scream and holler all she wants for as long as she wants...and when she finds out all that screaming was for nothing, and it won't change anything, she'll rethink her strategy.

remain consistant, and love her...but only on your watch and by your rules. it's going to get worse before it gets any better.
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Old 04-13-2010, 01:36 PM
 
77,692 posts, read 59,834,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mbk21 View Post
....However, she wants to make a career out of it and has totally neglected school to do it. I scheduled a trainer for her to make her happy....she is slowly controlling our family and tearing apart my marriage due to her manipulations of my husband.
She is manipulating BOTH of you and is calling all the shots now because the two of you aren't parenting.

She doesn't do crap and you hire a trainer so that you can "encourage her". But wait! It's the husbands fault!
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Old 04-13-2010, 02:23 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,768,215 times
Reputation: 11122
Sounds like the husband needs his own set of rules, too.
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