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Old 05-04-2010, 10:08 AM
 
Location: Floriduh
164 posts, read 982,093 times
Reputation: 269

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I have a 13 yr old stepson who is a ungrateful, disrepsectful, and only thinks of himself. He threatens to call family services everytime you try to reprimand him. I cant get him to voluntarily do homework, chores, or anything that involves effort. He states his teachers at school say 65% is all that is needed to pass so why try harder. He always says he does things the EASY way (translation to adult language = laziness). He threatens to go live with his biological father only to hurt his mother. When confronted with actually moving he backs off and forgets he said that. Sad part is, the reality is that his real father doesnt want anything to do with him. This child wants only for himself and no others. I am only a stepfather so I do not punish him at all other than defining the rules within our home. He constantly tells me I will go to jail if i ever touch him. He disrespects his mother completely and she cant say or do anything to get him to listen to her. This sadly could end up costing me a treasured and loving relationship because mom turns the other way as she doesnt now how to get control of the situation nor will allow me to take control of the situation. Im not allowed to raise my voice so I sit idly by waiting for the collapse of the whole situation. I cannot be the only parent suffering at the hands of an ungrateful child.........almost had enough.

Last edited by LOnRainjer; 05-04-2010 at 10:29 AM..
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Old 05-04-2010, 07:52 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,054,901 times
Reputation: 16702
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOnRainjer View Post
I have a 13 yr old stepson who is a ....almost had enough.
Did you read any of this thread? I had a whole long thing about behavior mod - rules and consequences. Read it, no reason to type it all again. What applies to one teen works for another.
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Old 05-05-2010, 02:11 AM
 
2,046 posts, read 5,572,424 times
Reputation: 1218
^^^ I did not read your whole post but must disagree with what applies to one works for all. Not so, the brain does not develop the same or is not the same brain. Some children have opposition disorder and what works for one does not necessarily work for the other, if that were the case life would be good.

I too am a non spanker. Why spank your child? I was spanked, not the way I want my child to be treated.

Check out Dr. Amens website. I wish you luck.
Amen Clinics
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:43 AM
 
Location: Centre of the Universe (Toronto)
114 posts, read 199,623 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by auntieannie68 View Post
this is not spoiling---she sounds like many of the teenagers i dealt with on their way to a juvenile center---she and your ENTIRE family need counseling NOW before the law gets involved as she is heading for trouble and if your husband won't go you go with her even if she is kicking and screaming all the way and refuses to talk the first 29 times she goes-----she will NOT grow out of this without intervention-----no finger pointing---just therapy

Chill it sounds like a normal rebellious teenager trying to find her best way of life. God, your so spazzy.
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:46 AM
 
Location: Centre of the Universe (Toronto)
114 posts, read 199,623 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOnRainjer View Post
I have a 13 yr old stepson who is a ungrateful, disrepsectful, and only thinks of himself. He threatens to call family services everytime you try to reprimand him. I cant get him to voluntarily do homework, chores, or anything that involves effort. He states his teachers at school say 65% is all that is needed to pass so why try harder. He always says he does things the EASY way (translation to adult language = laziness). He threatens to go live with his biological father only to hurt his mother. When confronted with actually moving he backs off and forgets he said that. Sad part is, the reality is that his real father doesnt want anything to do with him. This child wants only for himself and no others. I am only a stepfather so I do not punish him at all other than defining the rules within our home. He constantly tells me I will go to jail if i ever touch him. He disrespects his mother completely and she cant say or do anything to get him to listen to her. This sadly could end up costing me a treasured and loving relationship because mom turns the other way as she doesnt now how to get control of the situation nor will allow me to take control of the situation. Im not allowed to raise my voice so I sit idly by waiting for the collapse of the whole situation. I cannot be the only parent suffering at the hands of an ungrateful child.........almost had enough.

I really suggest you read up on the rebellion of teenagers... you know the WAY OF LIFE! When they take parents AWAY from their life to try and survive on theri own till they know their ready to really be on there own.

God, you a parent or a very uneducated mother? i mean really.
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:20 PM
 
15 posts, read 73,723 times
Reputation: 13
Hi everyone,
I have been busy with other things and I haven't had the time to check this thread, but I had the opportunity to read some of it. It really hurts to read a lot of what was said, I haven't been doing my job to the fullest extent as a mother and I haven't been trying to make informed decisions with my husband. But he doesn't seem to want to say no to her.

It is our fault for not being united in disciplining her and now it has gone too far. However, we must focus on a solution and that is counseling. We had the school counselors come in and she refused to talk to them. However, I have arranged a counselor and my husband and I will go there at least. I'm just hopeful we can get our daughter to come eventually and open up so it will be effective.

We have given up the private school fight. However, she will have to transfer to a new high school in the fall. The reason is, a new high school has opened up and the district will not approve a transfer to the high school that will take her friends from the JR high. She says she will not go to school period if she doesn't get to go to the school of her choice. But this is honestly something we have no control over. I hope with counseling we can maybe ease it on her.

Any tips on how to deal with this part of the problem? I mean it's not like we are moving, she can still hang out with the friends from her jr. high. But she brought up an intereting dilemma. She wants to play Bball next year and what if she has to play against her friends from other schools? I feel bad for her in this regard, but it has to be done.

I have heard of horror stories of kids rebelling and being psychologically affected by switching high schools. I don't want her to be traumatized by this in any way. I love her from the bottom of my heart, I know teenage years are tough and I want her to be well-prepared, happy, and healthy.

Thanks for any advice.
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Old 07-11-2010, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,430 posts, read 4,321,674 times
Reputation: 2186
You and your husband are the problem. Children actually need sturcture and they need discipline. You have allowed her to manipulate and control you and you have caved in to all of her demands.
She has control over you and she is playing you. You need to take back control of your child.
She is only 13 and I believe you can still help her. She needs counseling, she may even need a psychiatrist. Please get her some help. Don't give into her tantrums. The older she gets the more difficult she will become if you don't do something now.
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Old 07-11-2010, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,430 posts, read 4,321,674 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbk21 View Post
Thanks for the replies everyone. I had some health issues ever since we moved into our two story house from a single story. As a result, it was difficult for me to go upstairs and my husband had to help out a lot. This happened about 3.5 years ago. This strengthened their bond and he started to spoil her with things. Eventually, she being a child, started to get use to things and started to exploit him.

He re-assured me that she will get more mature. I had enough about 2 years ago, and started to tell her to start helping out and start becoming part of the family. However, she just would not listen and would create an uproar when we did not give into her demands. My husband, daughter and I started to get into more fights and now the situation has gotten so severe that she hardly ever comes downstairs to spend time with me and only talks to him.

Whenever we try to take the phone, mp3 or laptop away she starts to shout and scream and uses profanity. She cries and tells us she won't do her homework and won't go to school. She throws things in her room and makes holes in the wall. She even runs away and my husband goes out to find her. The principal at school says to call the police when she runs away and have them fetch her. However, I don't want to embarrass our family in the neighborhood.

She is out of control and I agree with you all the blame does go to us. It started out as just trying to make her happy, but now it has turned into a situation where we are terrified of her reaction to the word "No."

She was a very bright GATE student and is now getting D's and F's. She also says she has no desire whatsover to go college and if she doesn't get to be a professional skateboarder she won't do anything else. This is clearly a lack of maturity/understanding. I agree we all need counseling, but she doesn't understand that we are in control and she has to listen to us until she is 18.

Life is difficult outside, and if it his her decision to move out at 18, I have to let her even if it breaks my heart. However, I think I have a responsibility to society and her to teach her the norms of a civil society.

I'm sorry if I sound like a whiner but I've really reached my wits end, I am almost 50 and never expected to deal with this much stress and turmoil at this stage of my life. But at the same time I love my daughter and I am willing to do anything to ensure that she has a good and stable life that will nurture her into a responsible, respectable and mature adult.

Thanks for any help/advice.
The statement in bold is really disturbing. So you're more worried about embarrassing your family than doing what is needed to help your daughter
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:09 PM
 
2,725 posts, read 5,178,250 times
Reputation: 1963
I'll tell you how my uncle tamed his teenager. He went to her high school, threw out all of her stuff in her locker, made her clean it up in front of everybody and then threatened that if she didn't bring up her grades in 2 weeks, he would attend her classes with her.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:17 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 7,417,416 times
Reputation: 3899
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbk21 View Post
My husband said that this was just a phase and she will mature.
It's not a phase.

From someone who absolutely HATES parenting books, even the idea in and of itself, here is a recommendation for a ...well ...parenting book author, just to save breath.
Get any of John Rosemond's books: A Family of Value, Parent Power or Parenting by the Book.
Or all three.

The overall message in those books is THE ONLY answer.
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