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Old 04-10-2010, 10:03 AM
 
2,058 posts, read 5,848,311 times
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.... I'm going to chop your neck, you're not my friend, I'm going to put fire on you, I don't like you.... mostly the standard things, but the chopping and fire is starting to worry me. I'm not sure where he got it from, he's always been a high spirited person and is often sweet and loving, but when things don't go his way, he gets very difficult and his anger level is getting higher and higher. I used to ignore it, but it's starting to bother me. Should I be worried? I told my husband (and I was very upset when I said it), that he's going to turn 13 and murder me. Do all little boys go through this phase, because I feel like I'm the only one with the high needs, sometimes aggressive boy, and I'm so frustrated!
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:25 AM
 
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All it takes is one cartoon to put some crazy idea in their head.

They don't yet have the ability to accurately express their frustrations just yet so it comes out as something they've seen or heard someone else say in anger. I would not ignore it I would say something like, that isn't very nice to say or I understand you are upset but you can't tell mommy or anyone else that you would like to hurt them if things don't go your way.

It is a normal phase IMO but that doesn't mean you don't address it.
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:31 AM
 
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he is getting those ideas from somewhere---monitor his game playing,tv watching when he is with you and as much as you could when he is at friends or relatives homes---most of all even at this young age something is making him angry and frustrated----try talking to him in a quiet space,just you and he alone----he is NOT pulling these things out of the air---
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:55 AM
 
2,058 posts, read 5,848,311 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by auntieannie68 View Post
he is getting those ideas from somewhere---monitor his game playing,tv watching when he is with you and as much as you could when he is at friends or relatives homes---most of all even at this young age something is making him angry and frustrated----try talking to him in a quiet space,just you and he alone----he is NOT pulling these things out of the air---
That's what I'm thinking too... he isn't pulling these things out of the air. The only tv he watches (besides the news when it's on for us) is PBS or Noggin. I pulled him out of preschool because he was very unhappy there (it was just 2 mornings a week) and there was no reason for him to go since I'm at home. A month later, I got a full time job and I felt like it was the time to take it, so I put him into full time care at a different place. And for the most part, he is happy there, but who knows what they get from school. I'm not going to lie and say our house is so peaceful and delightful. We are a normal family with the everyday stresses of life and marriage. We love each other, but it's not bliss all the time. He's always been a firecracker, but at 1 or 2 it was a cute little personality quirk, now at nearly 3 and a half, he's very verbal and you can hear exactly what he's saying... it's not cute anymore! I'm a worrysome person by nature, but I'm not sure if I'm worried about him because of ME or if these are true warning signs that should be addressed now.
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Old 04-10-2010, 01:42 PM
 
4,359 posts, read 4,203,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandycat View Post
That's what I'm thinking too... he isn't pulling these things out of the air. The only tv he watches (besides the news when it's on for us) is PBS or Noggin. I pulled him out of preschool because he was very unhappy there (it was just 2 mornings a week) and there was no reason for him to go since I'm at home. A month later, I got a full time job and I felt like it was the time to take it, so I put him into full time care at a different place. And for the most part, he is happy there, but who knows what they get from school. I'm not going to lie and say our house is so peaceful and delightful. We are a normal family with the everyday stresses of life and marriage. We love each other, but it's not bliss all the time. He's always been a firecracker, but at 1 or 2 it was a cute little personality quirk, now at nearly 3 and a half, he's very verbal and you can hear exactly what he's saying... it's not cute anymore! I'm a worrysome person by nature, but I'm not sure if I'm worried about him because of ME or if these are true warning signs that should be addressed now.
The news was always classified as grown-up tv at our house. Just a glimpse of an horrific scene can be enough to unsettle a child and give him nightmares. Try to make sure he doesn't see such images.

There was no tv or computer in our children's rooms and no tv after supper on school nights. Video games were not to be brought into our home. They could play them at a friend's house, but could not be bought with their own money or received as gifts.

Even though we addressed the issues such as the ones you suggested, our son still chose the wrong path. We wonder how it would have been different if we had not tried so hard to help him. I believe it would have been much worse. I look back at the behaviors he exhibited when he was 3 and later, and I cannot see how we could have known that HE would be the seriously troubled child. He always seemed as if he would grow out of it. He still does, in fact.

What I am saying is this--don't ignore his behavior. Seek intervention, if only to ease your own conscience. He may turn out to be the troubled young man, but you will know that you did all you could. And you may mitigate the trouble he faces. At any rate, you will be able to face the school and law enforcement personnel and detail all your interventions. Children are born with a mind and a will of their own. All you can do is try to influence them.

I hope you have better luck than we did. We are 16 years beyond where you are. We are still second-guessing ourselves, but we also hang on to the thin thread of a hope that one day he will be okay.
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Old 04-10-2010, 01:57 PM
 
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The bigger deal you make of it, the more attractive it will be to him.
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:21 PM
 
Location: 38°14′45″N 122°37′53″W
4,156 posts, read 10,988,381 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandycat View Post
.... I'm going to chop your neck, you're not my friend, I'm going to put fire on you, I don't like you.... mostly the standard things, but the chopping and fire is starting to worry me. I'm not sure where he got it from, he's always been a high spirited person and is often sweet and loving, but when things don't go his way, he gets very difficult and his anger level is getting higher and higher. I used to ignore it, but it's starting to bother me. Should I be worried? I told my husband (and I was very upset when I said it), that he's going to turn 13 and murder me. Do all little boys go through this phase, because I feel like I'm the only one with the high needs, sometimes aggressive boy, and I'm so frustrated!
First of all, I don't think this is all that out of the ordinary at this age. My newly minted 4 year old daughter was talking like that to her older brother who is 6 and vice versa (we know where she learned it from).
I let it slide for awhile and then realized, duh. This will continue, outside the home if allowed to go on unchecked.
I stopped them one day and flat out told both of them, "Threatening to hurt some one by saying things like that is absolutely disrespectful, rude and totally unacceptable from anyone. You will no longer speak that way to eachother, even if you're playing bad guys etc. because it is completely unacceptable behavior. If you are upset with each other or me or dad that's just fine but say so. Explain it! Explain that you are angry and why you are angry and then we can all figure out a solution to the problem. We can help each other out. There will be no threats of harm to anyone ever again or you will be losing all...." TV time, toys, playdate, etc..(whatever works the best for your child)

Verbal abuse is akin to physical abuse and the disrespect of anyone or anything should never be allowed to continue. That negative behavior is a misguided attempt at undue attention, power, revenge or assumed inadequacy.

Putting a stop to it, by stating flat out that you & dad will not be "doing business" with him when he speaks that way would help, I think, then follow through with it.

Last edited by bellalunatic; 04-10-2010 at 03:45 PM..
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:31 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 6,166,336 times
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I would just say something like, "Oh no, that would hurt me really bad. Who would take care of you? I sure would miss you."

FWIW, my almost 4 year old dd just told me that she was going to chop my neck off. She said it jokingly. She seems interested in the concept of death and I think is just trying to figure out what it really means.

I know another kid that same age who pretends to shoot people with his finger when they tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. He's also a very spirited little guy. I think it's within the range of normal for kids that age.
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Old 04-11-2010, 12:22 PM
 
Location: The Midwest
2,966 posts, read 3,903,010 times
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Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
The bigger deal you make of it, the more attractive it will be to him.
I agree somewhat..you shouldn't make a huge fit out of it, but he needs to know what is wrong to say. A simple "son, that makes me very sad when you say that. I hope you don't mean that you actually want me to die" would be a much better approach then any punishment.
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Old 04-11-2010, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,421,908 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandycat View Post
That's what I'm thinking too... he isn't pulling these things out of the air. The only tv he watches (besides the news when it's on for us) is PBS or Noggin. I pulled him out of preschool because he was very unhappy there (it was just 2 mornings a week) and there was no reason for him to go since I'm at home. A month later, I got a full time job and I felt like it was the time to take it, so I put him into full time care at a different place. And for the most part, he is happy there, but who knows what they get from school. I'm not going to lie and say our house is so peaceful and delightful. We are a normal family with the everyday stresses of life and marriage. We love each other, but it's not bliss all the time. He's always been a firecracker, but at 1 or 2 it was a cute little personality quirk, now at nearly 3 and a half, he's very verbal and you can hear exactly what he's saying... it's not cute anymore! I'm a worrysome person by nature, but I'm not sure if I'm worried about him because of ME or if these are true warning signs that should be addressed now.

Well good grief, that could be part of the problem Sandy - quit watching the news with him in he room!! Do you not realize how much violence he is hearing about when you do that??

Honestly, my kids weren't exposed to that kind of crap until they were much older when we could discuss things they might hear and be worried about. Right now he is hearing and learning too much info that he has no other way to process than by what he is doing.

Since he tends to be an aggressive child anyway, you need to limit this exposesure immediately.
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