Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-03-2010, 10:07 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,840,548 times
Reputation: 1740

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
My daughter, 25, is ADHD/Bi-Polar, is on meds and sees a psychiatrist. These make a huge difference in her behavior. It is time to kick her out of the house.

I have been fed up with her behavior and poor choices a long time. My wife, however, has always been the softie. To keep the peace I just went along. It is not all my wife's fault; I take some of the responsibility. I mention this only to give a clearer picture.

Here is what has transpired:

She was living in an apartment about 30 miles away. She was going to school (sort of) and working. Mostly she was living off her student loan. That ran out and she got laid off about the same time. She moves back home. This was about a year ago.

Six months ago she lands a part-time job as a bank teller. Like all her jobs she starts off strong then starts slacking, calling in sick etc. She is a high maintenance employee with a terrible work ethic.

About 2 months ago I catch her smoking pot in the house.

A few weeks after that she is pulled over for speeding-again. She is driving and with her boyfriend. They have been smoking pot. He admits it is all his and takes the complete fall and is arrested. Nothing happened to her-not even a speeding ticket.

Several weeks later my wife calls me while I am at work. She is "fed up" with her and she needs to move out. She says "even if we have to pay for it" and "we can't just kick her out, she has nowhere to go". I tell her there is no way we are going to pay for it. The kid starts looking for a place to live.

A few weeks ago she is fired from the bank job. This is really no surprise. She has been written up a bunch of times.

She has been looking for a job, mostly on line. According to her everyone has electronic applications and there is no point in a face to face unless they call you for an interview. I realize it is very tough right now.

So now she sleeps until noon (at least) and watches TV and plays XBox-all in her room.

A few nights ago-again while I am at work-she and her mother have a HUGE blow out. Mom calls me crying. Mom wants to kick her out. Mom has had enough. She doesn't care where or if she winds up living in her car. She told me "I consider her dead", she refuses to speak to her, and for me to take care of kicking her out. This is a HUGE shift in attitude from my wife. She has NEVER stated anything as harsh as this before. Never. I thought she would get over it and change her mind and soften up (as is the usual pattern) but she hasn't.

I don't need a lecture on what we should have done. It's easy to just say "kick her out". That is easier said than done. I need practical advice on what steps to do next. I'm especially interested in hearing from folks who have gone through this as parents or as the child getting thrown out. How did it transpire? How did it ultimately work out?

How long has she been on meds? Because this cant affect her....i think maybe just booting her out is a tad harsh.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-03-2010, 12:32 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,840,548 times
Reputation: 1740
*can affect her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-03-2010, 01:30 PM
 
Location: NJ
23,789 posts, read 33,234,366 times
Reputation: 30585
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but I just wanted to comment that no not every business does their applications online. Most offer it both ways but in my DD's job search only one place strictly took online apps only.

Even my DH who is in professional management went down personally to several companies to submit his resume when he was looking for work a couple years ago. Out of his online and personal resumes he got the most calls from him going down personally.
I think it depends where you live. I went out with my teen; every time we go to a new place we ask; just about all say they are not hiring or that the apps are online.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
It's been about six months so I thought I'd give an update.

Things got worse before they got better. She and I had two huge blowouts a few days apart. I, too had had enough.

Luckily she found a part time job and she moved in with her best friend about 15 miles away. Mom and I paid her first months rent but it was worth it to end the drama. We helped her move and she left on positive terms. She put her car and the insurance in her name which was the last financial tie we had with her.

She is still on our health insurance but pays her copays. We agreed to pay for her meds because they are hugely expensive, even with insurance, and she would crash and burn without them. Lately, though she has some medical issues and we agreed to pay fo the copays related to those tests.

She is starting college back up and this time paying for it herself. It will be interesting to see how this works out. She complained about the $300 textbook required. When I was paying the bills she didn't give a crap how much things cost.

The loser boyfriend is gone, and she is working full time hours although no benefits-at $9/hour.

The best news is mom has finally let go. Mom recognizes that our daughter is responsible for her own decisons and her own drama. There have been a few times when I thought mom would swoop in to save the day but she hasn't.

Thanks for all the advice. I also now realize that most apps are online now. That is simply the way it is done.
I'm glad you found a happy medium. I have to say that raising a child with a double whammy health problem is hard. We've been trying to decide if my girl actually has bipolar or if it's hormones. My ex-sister in law was the exact same way; and had she still been alive, I would be able to ask her if she ever had a diagnosis but she passed young. She has ADD.

Question - are you sure your daughter is bipolar? There is something similar to it that is called Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Have your wife google it & see if the symptoms match.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-03-2010, 01:52 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,605,736 times
Reputation: 30709
Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
It's been about six months so I thought I'd give an update.

Things got worse before they got better. She and I had two huge blowouts a few days apart. I, too had had enough.

Luckily she found a part time job and she moved in with her best friend about 15 miles away. Mom and I paid her first months rent but it was worth it to end the drama. We helped her move and she left on positive terms. She put her car and the insurance in her name which was the last financial tie we had with her.

She is still on our health insurance but pays her copays. We agreed to pay for her meds because they are hugely expensive, even with insurance, and she would crash and burn without them. Lately, though she has some medical issues and we agreed to pay fo the copays related to those tests.

She is starting college back up and this time paying for it herself. It will be interesting to see how this works out. She complained about the $300 textbook required. When I was paying the bills she didn't give a crap how much things cost.

The loser boyfriend is gone, and she is working full time hours although no benefits-at $9/hour.

The best news is mom has finally let go. Mom recognizes that our daughter is responsible for her own decisons and her own drama. There have been a few times when I thought mom would swoop in to save the day but she hasn't.

Thanks for all the advice. I also now realize that most apps are online now. That is simply the way it is done.
I'm glad everything worked out!


For anyone else who has a child who needs a push from the nest with no job and nowhere to go, I think the following is a great solution:

CoolWorks.com - Summer Jobs and Seasonal Jobs in Great Places

The site has seasonal jobs at resorts all over the country and world. Many of the jobs include room and board---dormatory style housing. The only financial assistance they will need is for transportation (airfare) to their new life.

My friend's son did this when he was 22. He always had a job and was a hard worker, but he never left home. One day, he went to coolworks.com, applied online, had a phone interview and was hired. He left to work at a ski resort for a winter season and has never returned. The resort hired him for a year-round position in management.

There are some people who move from resort to resort to see the world or to have a place to stay in off seasons. For example, Alaska's peak resort season is in the summer and the ski resorts in the continental UA have peak season in the winter. There's always somewhere to go.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2012, 03:59 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,639 times
Reputation: 10
[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]I am in a similar position at the moment with my almost-19-yr-old, who is tentatively diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, after 6 years of a bipolar diagnosis and every anti-psychotic on the market (but that’s a horror story for another forum). I’m a fully single mom (for the last 15 years), with a son who is 4 years younger. My daughter has had 3 part-time jobs since getting her GED when she was 17. She lives with precious few rules, because I can only enforce rules by throwing her out, when it comes down to it. For people who don’t know mental illness, this is a person who does not live in quite the reality we do, and could terribly easily end up living a life of prostitution, drug-addiction, whatever, or could commit suicide, which would not be entirely by her choice, as her choices aren’t based on reality. She has not, will not, learn to manage her illness, but has a very childish perception that other people are supposed to fix her problems, in part my own fault, but there is only so much you can do with someone who is willing to slice themselves up when they can’t cope. So, to the original poster, I want to know how things played out. I’m worn to the bone with my daughter, even though we don’t have the blow-ups and drama we once did, and I don’t want to end up with her living with me well into her 20’s. How did it go? Were you successful in getting her out? Did she manage to cope? I’d really appreciate hearing from you. Thanks. [/SIZE][/FONT]
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2012, 05:09 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,723,062 times
Reputation: 28029
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravencastle View Post
I am in a similar position at the moment with my almost-19-yr-old, who is tentatively diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, after 6 years of a bipolar diagnosis and every anti-psychotic on the market (but that’s a horror story for another forum). I’m a fully single mom (for the last 15 years), with a son who is 4 years younger. My daughter has had 3 part-time jobs since getting her GED when she was 17. She lives with precious few rules, because I can only enforce rules by throwing her out, when it comes down to it. For people who don’t know mental illness, this is a person who does not live in quite the reality we do, and could terribly easily end up living a life of prostitution, drug-addiction, whatever, or could commit suicide, which would not be entirely by her choice, as her choices aren’t based on reality. She has not, will not, learn to manage her illness, but has a very childish perception that other people are supposed to fix her problems, in part my own fault, but there is only so much you can do with someone who is willing to slice themselves up when they can’t cope. So, to the original poster, I want to know how things played out. I’m worn to the bone with my daughter, even though we don’t have the blow-ups and drama we once did, and I don’t want to end up with her living with me well into her 20’s. How did it go? Were you successful in getting her out? Did she manage to cope? I’d really appreciate hearing from you. Thanks.

That's a tough situation to be in. It's really common now for even healthy young adults to live with their parents even when they're in their 20's. My parents kicked me out when I turned 18, but I don't think most parents do that anymore.

With your daughter's problems, she's probably not prepared to live on her own and she may not ever be. Will she take her medication if no one is telling her to take it? Can you live with the possiblility of something happening to her if she's living on her own? About the job, if she can't work, have you looked into getting disability for her? At least that would be something that would help, and you'd feel like she was contributing to the household. I have bipolar relatives and it's not that far-fetched at all that your daughter could turn to prostitution or drug addiction without you there to watch out for her. I know you feel like you need to get her out so you can get back to living a normal life, but it may not ever really work out that way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2012, 10:21 PM
 
16,488 posts, read 24,392,781 times
Reputation: 16338
So what about this boyfriend? Does he have a job? Does he have his own place? Can she live with him? She needs to know that she cannot keep fu***** up and then come back home. I would give her a month (2 or 3 if you don't think she can manage this in 1 mo.) to find a job and find a place to live, move out, and stick to that. For obvious reasons she feels she can not take jobs seriously, smoke pot, hang out all day, sleep in, and have little to no responsibility and still be allowed to come home. My son is 25 and he has ADHD and Aspergers and has lived on his own since 18. She can do it, it may just take some serious prodding to make it happen.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-24-2012, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
3,417 posts, read 7,748,910 times
Reputation: 3331
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravencastle View Post
[SIZE=3]I am in a similar position at the moment with my almost-19-yr-old, who is tentatively diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, after 6 years of a bipolar diagnosis and every anti-psychotic on the market (but that’s a horror story for another forum). I’m a fully single mom (for the last 15 years), with a son who is 4 years younger. My daughter has had 3 part-time jobs since getting her GED when she was 17. She lives with precious few rules, because I can only enforce rules by throwing her out, when it comes down to it. For people who don’t know mental illness, this is a person who does not live in quite the reality we do, and could terribly easily end up living a life of prostitution, drug-addiction, whatever, or could commit suicide, which would not be entirely by her choice, as her choices aren’t based on reality. She has not, will not, learn to manage her illness, but has a very childish perception that other people are supposed to fix her problems, in part my own fault, but there is only so much you can do with someone who is willing to slice themselves up when they can’t cope. So, to the original poster, I want to know how things played out. I’m worn to the bone with my daughter, even though we don’t have the blow-ups and drama we once did, and I don’t want to end up with her living with me well into her 20’s. How did it go? Were you successful in getting her out? Did she manage to cope? I’d really appreciate hearing from you. Thanks. [/SIZE]
Things played out OK. If you look at page 2 I posted an update to the original post.

To update everyone-

My kid is now 27, lives on her own, works part time and goes to school on student loans where she is now a senior. She sees a psychiatrist regularly and on her own.

She matured a great deal and has not asked for money in a very long time. We still pay for her prescriptions.

She has also figured out that she doesn't want to move back home. She likes making her own choices with no one telling her what to do-and she has to fix her own screw ups to avoid this possibility.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-24-2012, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Kansas
25,578 posts, read 21,753,969 times
Reputation: 26154
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but I just wanted to comment that no not every business does their applications online. Most offer it both ways but in my DD's job search only one place strictly took online apps only.

Even my DH who is in professional management went down personally to several companies to submit his resume when he was looking for work a couple years ago. Out of his online and personal resumes he got the most calls from him going down personally.
Agree. When my husband became employed, he went each week to the employers and made himself known there. Some had a sign in sheet to show that you were there. They get SO many applications online that I am guessing they are a blur except for people with certain skills.

And, it is time for her to move out. She needs to get hooked up with the mental health client. Low income housing would be a possibility. Most employers require drug testing if not all these days so if she continues on this road, you'll be supporting her until the day you die unless you get tough. Counseling could help you work through this in a step by step fashion especially since mental health issues are involved. Do some reading on "enabling".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-24-2012, 02:38 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,248 posts, read 47,165,320 times
Reputation: 47138
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
s.

And, it is time for her to move out. She needs to get hooked up with the mental health client. Low income housing would be a possibility. Most employers require drug testing if not all these days so if she continues on this road, you'll be supporting her until the day you die unless you get tough. Counseling could help you work through this in a step by step fashion especially since mental health issues are involved. Do some reading on "enabling".
Ummm... she already DID move out!
Did you read the thread? On page two and again RIGHT ABOVE this, the OP stated the outcomes.
This post is TWO YEARS old!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top