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Old 04-20-2010, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,736,563 times
Reputation: 1933

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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
If I were you I would be running to the courthouse to get custody of your grandson . I mean the mother does not seems to care about the child anymore since getting with this man and that is a problem and believe me when I say that child will be better off and thank you when he is older because you cared of enough to step in and save him from a rough life . Too bad if your daughter would not like it she does not seem to want to rectify the sittuation . I hope I have helped my dear take care and I wish you luck .
The only way she could get custody is if the mother is found unfit something very difficult to do. The mother has the right to parent her own child.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:10 PM
 
92 posts, read 345,213 times
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I'm a relatively young parent- I'm 25 with a 4 yr old daughter. I love to go out and party and have a good time with my friends but I'm a mom first. I may be over protective but thats ok. I only get one shot at this parenting thing and I am determined to do it right.

I think you should talk to your daughter again- ask her why she thinks its ok to do those things in front of her child - and what if something happened to him while she was intoxicated, who would care for him or take him to the hospital if needed. Ask her if she thinks its fair to him if she's less than 100% able to care for him or play with him the next day due to a hang over. Every decision she makes now directly effects and influences her child. He is at an age where he will remember the things he sees and hears. Does she really want him to look back at his childhood and think about those nights where mommy was drunk and acting goofy? I know I wouldn't want my child to remember that stuff.

I agree that going to CPS may be a little harsh- but you do what you need to do, only you know how bad it is. Maybe before that you should offer to take him, adopt him whatever until she is ready to be a mom full time and give up the partying lifestyle unless its preplanned and/or she has a babysitter.

Goodluck, let us know what you decide to do.
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Michigan
12,711 posts, read 13,444,122 times
Reputation: 4185
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
If this were MY grandchild I would hire a lawyer and sue for custody immediately. What are you waiting for???
Maybe some actual grounds for custody is what she is waiting for?

Do you have any idea how many kids are truly abused in this country, and can't get help?

I'm sorry, but except for the issue of the drunk driving, which I'd like the OP to explain a little more thoroughly--this is FRIVOLOUS stuff. It's poor parenting decisions, not child abuse.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:28 AM
 
17,101 posts, read 16,264,152 times
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Could the OP offer to watch her grandson overnight a couple of nights a week?
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Old 04-21-2010, 04:50 PM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,008,751 times
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Please do what you can to intervene for this child. If you don't feel comfortable or you don't think the situation is bad enough for calling CPS... maybe try talking to your daughter about having your grandson spend more time with you so that she can spend more time with her live-in boyfriend. Try to figure out a way to present it to her like you want to help her, not the grandson. Like, "You work so hard and you're such a great mom but even great moms need time to relax. Why don't you let him spend the night with me a few nights a week so you can have your time to relax and enjoy your freedom?" Something like that... I wouldn't approach it in a way where she feels like you don't approve of her lifestyle choices because of how they can possibly harm her child. She'd only get mad and defensive if you tried it that way.

If he's 4, he should be getting ready to start school soon... maybe if you live in a better school district you could use this as leverage? Or a pre-school? Are you retired? During the summer you could do a "grandma summer camp". If anything, just keep a close eye on your grandson. Communicate with him daily and make sure he knows your number and knows how to call you and that it's OK to call you at any time day or night regardless of what his mom or her boyfriend says. He needs to know that you are a safe person to call at anytime if ever he needs anything. You might even start a tradition of a bedtime phonecall to say "night-night to grandma". Maybe read a book to him over the phone or something. This way you will have established and every evening line of communication with him so you can be sure that he's OK.

I think sometimes as adults we assume our kids and loved ones know that (that they can call us anytime no matter what if they feel scared or need help), but then something will happen which makes us realize we'd never actually talked about it - we just assumed it. So it's important to talk about these things.
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,428,182 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by djacques View Post
Maybe some actual grounds for custody is what she is waiting for?

Do you have any idea how many kids are truly abused in this country, and can't get help?

I'm sorry, but except for the issue of the drunk driving, which I'd like the OP to explain a little more thoroughly--this is FRIVOLOUS stuff. It's poor parenting decisions, not child abuse.
It IS child abuse in my book - emotional and mental abuse. It is also child endangerment and should be reported to authorities, though I bet this grandma won't be brave enough to do that.

Last edited by lovesMountains; 04-21-2010 at 05:17 PM..
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:21 PM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,008,751 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
It IS child abuse in my book - emotional and mental abuse. It is also child endangerment and should be reported to authorities, though I bet this grandma won't be brave enough to do that.
I agree as well. It is abuse - neglect is a form of child abuse. It doesn't matter the degree to which the abuse is happening. Yes lots of other kids are finding themselves in much worse situations, but perhaps that's because they don't have a grandma who cares?

Even if the situation is not a severe or life-threatening one, why would someone choose not to help a child if they knew they could?
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,736,563 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
I agree as well. It is abuse - neglect is a form of child abuse. It doesn't matter the degree to which the abuse is happening. Yes lots of other kids are finding themselves in much worse situations, but perhaps that's because they don't have a grandma who cares?

Even if the situation is not a severe or life-threatening one, why would someone choose not to help a child if they knew they could?
I thought the issue was whether CPS was going to do anything not if it was bad for the child. Yes grandma should help if she can but calling CPS could be waste of time and detrimental to the mother-daughter relationship.
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:02 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,515,932 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kittyface View Post
Hello, I'm an almost daily part of 4 year old grandson's life at request of my daughter, his mom. She lives with a man who is not his father and let's just call it like it is, the guy is an alcoholic and lives to party with friends as much as possible. Normally, my daughter is a very attentive and protective mother but has started to take on the behavior of her live-in, drinking and partying. (You've heard this story thousands of times, right, and next I'll post in the alcoholics forum for codependent behavior).

I'm trying not to judge their lifestyle but the drunken behavior and obscenities bordering on debauchery occur in the presence of my grandson maybe 3 times weekly. They act like drunken idiots, ride his tricycle and are stupid enough to post photos of their antics on Facebook. I was rehearsing speech to daughter in my head when my grandson said that "those people say bad things." Upon hearing that I could hold my tongue no longer and suffice it to say that she defended the practice admitting that "her friends drink and cuss but they are GOOD people."

I am beside myself with worry and anger. According to CPS definition the practice is "neglect," but I have to be careful how I escalate the situation. The last thing I want is to be banned from seeing my grandson. That would distress us both as we are very close -- when he's at my house he gets upset when he has to go home.

So I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this delicate situation. Thanks.
Since you wouldn't mind having custody -- yet you say that apart from the partying and shack-up drunken lover that she's a caring mother, maybe for now the best thing would be to gently and "helpfully" talk to her, and suggest that they bring you your grandson any time they plan to party so they don't have to worry about him or have him interfering with their fun.

Try to make it a habit that you have him before the fun begins, and don't say anything against their partying. Encourage the partiers to let the boy stay the night so they can get their sleep.

That way his bond with his mother isn't severed yet - and maybe she'll wake up and it won't have to be.
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Old 04-22-2010, 06:42 AM
 
Location: Michigan
12,711 posts, read 13,444,122 times
Reputation: 4185
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
It IS child abuse in my book - emotional and mental abuse. It is also child endangerment and should be reported to authorities, though I bet this grandma won't be brave enough to do that.
Your "book" isn't the one that counts. Do you not get that there is a finite amount of resources available?

When one percent of a state's children are in foster care, that means the system is pushing the limits of what it can handle. One and a half percent means complete overload. What percent of children do you suppose would have to be removed if we went by your "book"? Do you really think the OP's daughter and son-in-law sound like they are in the worst one percent of parents? Ha! I wish I lived where you do.

Every frivolous charge CPS has to deal with means another child who is being beaten up, burned, raped, starved, sleeping in filth will be less able to get help.
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