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Old 04-19-2010, 10:01 PM
 
687 posts, read 1,111,922 times
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Thank you for not judging me for not having a job and questioning the expense. This is Junior Prom, not Senior Prom. There will be no limos or eating out. Everyone out here is wealthy and use to getting whatever they want. I know it must be difficult for my son to try and fit in with his rich friends but it's not going to happen at the expense of us doing without the necessities first. He wanted me to buy a suit and then return it like most of his other friends or friends parents do but I told him this was wrong. Either he borrows a suit or rents one, period. Personally, even though I had a boyfriend all through high school, I could have cared less about any of the proms.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:30 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,674,825 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smokingGun View Post
He's old enough to understand household finances, so just be honest and lay out all your monthly expenses & tell him that you both are flat-out broke..
No parent should EVER 'lay out all your monthly expenses' to any child. It is none of the child's business. Period.

Since it is only a Junior prom and he still has Senior prom to look forward to next year, I would expect him to pay a good portion of costs since he is the one who will benefit and be enjoying it. If he has any money at all, he should be willing to foot the bill. If he doesn't, he should start saving for next year right now.

Anytime my daughter wants something that is a luxury (right now she wants a violin, she is paying half, and I am paying half), she is expected to part with her money. If she is not willing to contribute at least half, she doesn't want it badly enough and doesn't get it.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:16 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 61,093,078 times
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Go to Goodwill or a consignment shop for the suit. Around here all the kids rent a tux and shoes but if that isn't the norm out there and they just wear a suit then find one used. If you have stores like TJ Maxx or Nordstrom Rack, sometimes you can find suits there for next to nothing too.

I would certainly make him pay you back either in cash or work it off doing things around the house.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:43 AM
 
3,493 posts, read 7,891,385 times
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This is an opportunity for you to give your child a lesson that may benefit him for a lifetime: We don't buy things that we cant afford and justify the expense for emotional reasons. Be a good role model and help him think through this situation for himself.

Is there a dollar amount that you are willing to part with? Tell him what you are willing and able to contribute then help him think through all of the other expenses - corsage, suit, shoes... Ask him how he is going to pay or acquire these things. Let him be the one who thinks up borrowing Dad's shoes or going to the discount stores. If he chooss to use his own money and needs to pay you back from his future earnings, help him write up a contract so that you are both clear on how this is going to happen and what will happen if he doesn't pay you back on time. He needs to put up some collateral if he is going to get a loan.

He will learn more from a well thought out conversation than he will learn from either a "Yes, we will fund you" or a "No, we cant afford it".

Give him the tools that he needs to be a good financial manager in the future andlet him benefit from seeing his mom make good financial choices too.
Good luck!
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Old 04-20-2010, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Nova
486 posts, read 1,661,123 times
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I think all of these suggestions are great, but I think there is also another component here for any of the options you do. It's the attitude you take when talking with your son. I think a serious tone should be taken when explaning your current situation and how your home economics works, but once you try to find a solution so that he can go to his Jr. Prom (if that's the route you take) I think the tone needs to be more upbeat and fun. Almost a creative game for him to try to be innovative in where he can get his tux, shoes and anything else he needs. Positive resourcefullness will get more respect and a better outcome then somber, serious brainstorming at his age (in my opinion).

I wish you luck in finding another job.
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Old 04-20-2010, 12:58 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,035,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
No parent should EVER 'lay out all your monthly expenses' to any child. It is none of the child's business. Period.

Since it is only a Junior prom and he still has Senior prom to look forward to next year, I would expect him to pay a good portion of costs since he is the one who will benefit and be enjoying it. If he has any money at all, he should be willing to foot the bill. If he doesn't, he should start saving for next year right now.

Anytime my daughter wants something that is a luxury (right now she wants a violin, she is paying half, and I am paying half), she is expected to part with her money. If she is not willing to contribute at least half, she doesn't want it badly enough and doesn't get it.
I think a teen could benefit from knowing how much things cost in the real world. He lives there. He's a member of the household. He spends the money. I see no problem with showing him, in writing, how much the rent/mortgage is, the utility bill, the cable/satellite, or whatever. It could really change his attitude if he sees how much his parents spend to keep the house where he lives running. I think it could really help "prepare" this teen for becoming "well established" on his own in a few years!
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Old 04-20-2010, 01:48 PM
 
1,963 posts, read 5,596,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
No parent should EVER 'lay out all your monthly expenses' to any child. It is none of the child's business. Period.

I'm going to disagree. Many Juniors in hs are 17 years old, 1 year short of being legal adults with adult responsibilities. I know there's a parenting trend to extend adolescence way into college & into a child's mid-20's but if a family is in a financial bind (at least enough to post on a message board), protecting them from facing the high cost of living in the real world does them a disservice & sets them up for future disappointment.

Most teens have no inkling to the expense of rent/mortgage, car insurance, home insurance, utilities, groceries, eating out or even bday gifts for friends. Seeing these bills with their own eyes can be a wakeup call and kids may think twice before buying that overpriced Frapuccino from Starbucks or AF1's from Journeys.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:05 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,674,825 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
I think a teen could benefit from knowing how much things cost in the real world. He lives there. He's a member of the household. He spends the money. I see no problem with showing him, in writing, how much the rent/mortgage is, the utility bill, the cable/satellite, or whatever. It could really change his attitude if he sees how much his parents spend to keep the house where he lives running. I think it could really help "prepare" this teen for becoming "well established" on his own in a few years!
Quote:
Originally Posted by smokingGun View Post
I'm going to disagree. Many Juniors in hs are 17 years old, 1 year short of being legal adults with adult responsibilities. I know there's a parenting trend to extend adolescence way into college & into a child's mid-20's but if a family is in a financial bind (at least enough to post on a message board), protecting them from facing the high cost of living in the real world does them a disservice & sets them up for future disappointment.

Most teens have no inkling to the expense of rent/mortgage, car insurance, home insurance, utilities, groceries, eating out or even bday gifts for friends. Seeing these bills with their own eyes can be a wakeup call and kids may think twice before buying that overpriced Frapuccino from Starbucks or AF1's from Journeys.
Learning to be financially responsible is different than bringing out the books for teenager.

I agree teens should learn finances, but not the family books. They can learn by taking care of their own money, paying for things and learning to budget and keep a checkbook. They can learn by talking about income and expenses. They can have their own expenses. They can be aware of bills having to be paid, but for a anyone to know family finances, I don't agree with.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:10 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,035,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
Learning to be financially responsible is different than bringing out the books for teenager.

I agree teens should learn finances, but not the family books. They can learn by taking care of their own money, paying for things and learning to budget and keep a checkbook. They can learn by talking about income and expenses. They can have their own expenses. They can be aware of bills having to be paid, but for a anyone to know family finances, I don't agree with.
IMO it is not the same as telling your neighbor or your friend, or whoever about your finances. It is a member of the immediate family, a member if the household who is spending the money. I don't think it needs to be a big secret within the household.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:46 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 2,362,277 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Like I said, he should cover the flowers and dinner - you pitch in for the tickets and tux.

I would be willing to bet he's not normally a bratty kid with a total entitlement mentality, or is he? I'm guessing he's just really upset that you would balk at paying what he knows most other parents are paying for when this is such a big deal and milestone.
Is this not what entitlement means? He thinks he should have it just because others get it. This is a start (if it hasn't already) to him feeling entiltled to the senior prom, a big graduation gift, college tuition and spending money, a big wedding, a down payment on a home..... the list goes on and on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
IMO it is not the same as telling your neighbor or your friend, or whoever about your finances. It is a member of the immediate family, a member if the household who is spending the money. I don't think it needs to be a big secret within the household.
I have to agree with NoExcuses on this one, while its great to teach kids financial responsibilities, I see no reason why an adult would have to discuss their financial decisions with them. I don't have a teenager, but when I do, I'm sure they will think it much more important to set money aside for their limo to the prom than to my 401K, tithing, medical expenses, kid's college education, savings, emergency funds, or any of those other "irrelevant" things adults find so important. Heck, I'm sure they would find enough $ "wasted" that should be used for a month abroad and a new car . I can't imagine why an adult would need the input of an adolescent on how to spend their money, regardless of whether its pouring in or trickling in.

To the OP.... I would certainly make him pay you back for anything that you feel is not within your means right now, even if it is every penny. If you cannot afford it right now, lending him the money for him to pay you back is an excellent solution.
I grew up in an affluent community with kids that were given everything, and I had to work for anything I wanted, including college. While I did sort of resent it at the time (maybe still do ..), I'm a much better person because of it. And it doesn't sound like you're out frivously spending on yourself, so he will get it sooner than later.
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