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Old 04-20-2010, 04:35 PM
 
10 posts, read 26,614 times
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I am considering moving with my boyfriend from CA to WI. I am from CA and he is from WI. My parents are not happy at all that this is even under consideration. I am torn because while I have a good job here and my whole family is here, I don't stay in the same city my whole life. I don't know if my parents can understand why or what my thinking is but I also worry about disappointing them or losing their respect. The other thing I am torn about is the fact that I have never lived that far from my family. I went to college about 45 minutes away from my hometown. I'm wondering if this is the right thing. My boyfriend is very supportive in this decision. We would be moving for a job for him. He would stay here if I didn't want to go, but I also don't want to hold him back. I feel like moving would be a good way for me to get out and do my own thing, but I'm a little scared of not only being away from my family but also disappointing them...I'm feeling very confused about the whole thing.
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:48 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 6,157,770 times
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If your boyfriend told you today that his job offer had been rescinded and that he wanted to stay in CA, how would you feel? Relieved? Disappointed? Listen to your gut.

As far as your parents being upset, you have to do what you feel is best for you and can't base this decision on the possible reaction of others. If you decide to go, I'm sure they will miss you but in the end it's not their decision to make.
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,302,796 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caligirl141 View Post
I am considering moving with my boyfriend from CA to WI. I am from CA and he is from WI. My parents are not happy at all that this is even under consideration. I am torn because while I have a good job here and my whole family is here, I don't stay in the same city my whole life. I don't know if my parents can understand why or what my thinking is but I also worry about disappointing them or losing their respect. The other thing I am torn about is the fact that I have never lived that far from my family. I went to college about 45 minutes away from my hometown. I'm wondering if this is the right thing. My boyfriend is very supportive in this decision. We would be moving for a job for him. He would stay here if I didn't want to go, but I also don't want to hold him back. I feel like moving would be a good way for me to get out and do my own thing, but I'm a little scared of not only being away from my family but also disappointing them...I'm feeling very confused about the whole thing.
Every baby bird approaches the edge of the nest with some trepidation for their first attempt at flying. But they take the leap out into open air and are soon soaring

It is very normal for you to be feeling what you are feeling.

It is very normal for your parents to be feeling what they are feeling.

But you only have one life to live - YOURS. They cannot live your life for you and you cannot live your life for them.

Unless there is some good reason for you not to be with your boyfriend (like they think he's into drugs or is physically abusive) than your parents shouldn't try to stop you. It is GOOD for us as individuals to learn about the rest of the world around us and our place in it by striking out on our own. I say go for it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:57 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,633,957 times
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I would think long and hard about it. Your parents are probably concerned that you are moving for a boyfriend not a fiance or husband. You are living in a great place, with a great job and family.

I have done what you did and moved across country with my husband. I am really glad we did it, I love living on the East Coast. That said I am devastated now being so far from my family. We now have kids, with no help from family. I found my dad and sister are both dying and I am thousands of miles away and can't help.

These are things probably very far off, but it is food for thought. I don't think I would have moved knowing what I know now.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:06 PM
 
623 posts, read 1,597,795 times
Reputation: 723
Quote:
Originally Posted by caligirl141 View Post
I am considering moving with my boyfriend from CA to WI. I am from CA and he is from WI. My parents are not happy at all that this is even under consideration. I am torn because while I have a good job here and my whole family is here, I don't stay in the same city my whole life. I don't know if my parents can understand why or what my thinking is but I also worry about disappointing them or losing their respect. The other thing I am torn about is the fact that I have never lived that far from my family. I went to college about 45 minutes away from my hometown. I'm wondering if this is the right thing. My boyfriend is very supportive in this decision. We would be moving for a job for him. He would stay here if I didn't want to go, but I also don't want to hold him back. I feel like moving would be a good way for me to get out and do my own thing, but I'm a little scared of not only being away from my family but also disappointing them...I'm feeling very confused about the whole thing.
Wow this is exactly what we are going through. I am being transferred to TN from WI. We have been planning the move for the past 18 months and my inlaws have been something else.

For us this move is more than just a job oppurtunity. It is our chance to spread our wings and do what we want to do in this life. It took a while for our families to understand that and honestly some of them still don't/won't.

Understand that nobody is mad. They are all just sad and they don't know how to deal with that sadness of their kids and grandkids leaving.

At the end of the day their is nothing that says we can't come back if we don't like it.

Just be ready for all of sob storys you will here on this forum about how family is everything and your crazy for doing it and you will regret it. Good luck to you. I hope it works out, whatever your choice.
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,489 posts, read 10,899,395 times
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I grew up in California (all my family is still there). My husband and I now live in DC--3000 miles away from my family. It's right for us. We have grown so much by being on our own, and I'm so proud of what we've accomplished. We would not have had the same opportunities in California, due to cost of living and the job market in the town I am from. My mom still guilt trips me every time I call home, but so far it hasn't been enough to outweigh the positives of living here.

California is unique in that so many people never leave the state. They grow up there, go to school there, and never see any reason to leave. I didn't want to be one of those people. I wanted to experience something else so I had some perspective, and living in DC has done just that. I've really widened my horizons.

What are you going to do in Wisconsin? Are there job opportunities there for you as well?
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:58 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 23,948,669 times
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I will give you some advice my mom just told me two weeks ago when moving from Florida to Ohio . Make sure you can get back here by car if anything happens and make sure you store some money away for yourself in case anything happens . I made the deal with her that if this did not work out we would come back and stay at my sisters cause she has the room for us . I know my mom is scared for us and so is my sister but we just have to wait and see what happens and it is good to know that you always have a home somewhere in case things dont work out .
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:50 PM
 
664 posts, read 1,940,116 times
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Why not give it a try for a few years. You can always move back. Your young and should be able to experience different parts of the country.
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Old 04-22-2010, 07:31 PM
 
1,312 posts, read 4,760,585 times
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I think they key word in this whole thing is "boyfriend". It's a big move with no commitment...make sure you have enough money to move back to your family if things don't work out.
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:00 AM
 
10,629 posts, read 26,623,399 times
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I agree that there's two elements here: the moving away from family issue, and the boyfriend (and not fiance/husband) thing.

Are you living with your boyfriend now? If not, would you be moving in with him if it weren't for this cross-country move? I'm assuming you'll be living together if you move to WI? If you're not currently living together and wouldn't be ready to move in together if it weren't for this move then you may want to consider getting a place of your own in WI (once you get a job); that could lighten up some concerns if your family is worried that you're artificially rushing the relationship due to the pressures of a move. (or, more importantly, not put pressure on you yourself to make a decision based on practicalities like rent)

Do be aware that moving can be very stressful for a relationship. It can also be tough to be the one at home during the day looking for a job. It's also tougher for someone who is moving for a boyfriend and not a husband because in most (although not all) cases you won't be able to get health insurance through his work, your debts (loans, etc.) are yours individually, his income is his, etc. You'll want to hash out those details before you make a final decision. Unless you have a nice savings cushion of your own you might be financially dependent on him for a bit, and that can get complicated.

This is a bad time to be looking for a job. I can also see how your parents would be concerned about you giving up a job to move somewhere without something lined up.

On the issue of the idea of a move itself, though, I absolutely think it's a good thing to experience different parts of the country. You're (presumably) young and don't have kids; while the economy is not in your favor, this time of your life is about the easiest it's ever going to be to try out new places and things. If you want to do it and are willing to take the risk then I would go for it.
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