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Thanks, I am going to need all the luck I can get. Even after the story came out about his brother molesting his own daughter, my ex continued to protect him and refuses to believe he could have done anything wrong. His brother failed the polygraph test and even said things that incriminated himself on the test. CPS said this in court. I was there. I believe that my ex is in complete denial. He needs counseling and therapy before he even should be allowed around any of the kids in my opinion.
Why do I feel this way? He revealed to me early in our marriage of 12 years that he was sexually molested by his sister who was 5 or 6 years older than him. He said it started with fondling of his penis, then as they got a lttle older she put his in her and after that they had sex with each other until they were in high school. This was his own words to me. I have never heard her side of the story, and why was she acting out on him and who was abusing her? I know, I should have paid more attention to this, and thought about it long and hard before adopting children with him. He has no bio children and mine were all grown when we met. I have 9 grandchildren, by the way. We were in love, and we were both grownups, and yes, I overlooked a lot of stuff that I didn't think would have an affect on us as parents. I realize right now that he has a sex addiction, also. I am getting counseling and I am a codepent person, caretaker, and an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know why I need help. He is going to parenting classes, but that isn't touching on any of his deep therapy needs. I will definitely talk to my attorney about all this. Maybe my ex is not the best placement for my son, I don't know. May he should be palaced in a more therapuetic placemant to help save his future. I have been thinking that ex's brother's story could have had some impact on my son, and maybe caused him to act out worse on his siblings, I don't know.
I am going to hire an attorney next week I already have an appointment set up. I don't believe my ex has sexually abused these children, but his brother is being accused by his 11 year old daughter of sexually molesting her. He had gotten a divorce and had custody of his little girl for the past 3 or 4 years at the time my neice made her outcry to her mom on one of her weekend visit. They lived right down the street from us, when my ex and I were together and I babysat her everyday till her dad came home from work. He finally was arrested and guess who bailed him out? My ex who never has a job and hasn't been able to pay child support in 9 months. He has paid like $20 a month just so he can say he is paying something. That is another reason I don't think that dad is the best place for son to be when he is is released. Anyway, back to the ex's brother who is accused of molesting his daughter. He goes to trial in July and August of this summer. I will be there to see what happens to him. All of this came out right after my leaving ex two years ago. They (ex and his bother) blamed me for this story and said I made it up in order to get back at them because of my divorce I had filed for. Crazy! See how I ultimately get blamed for everything? Even something that had nothing to do with me!
That history of your brother in law is a huge red flag that your ex husband could have been an abuser. As you know first hand, it becomes a family thing. Your brother in law didnt' suddenly start sexually abusing as an adult. There was most likely abuse in his childhood. Your ex husband lived the same childhood as his brother.
Thanks, I am going to need all the luck I can get. Even after the story came out about his brother molesting his own daughter, my ex continued to protect him and refuses to believe he could have done anything wrong. His brother failed the polygraph test and even said things that incriminated himself on the test. CPS said this in court. I was there. I believe that my ex is in complete denial. He needs counseling and therapy before he even should be allowed around any of the kids in my opinion.
Why do I feel this way? He revealed to me early in our marriage of 12 years that he was sexually molested by his sister who was 5 or 6 years older than him. He said it started with fondling of his penis, then as they got a lttle older she put his in her and after that they had sex with each other until they were in high school. This was his own words to me. I have never heard her side of the story, and why was she acting out on him and who was abusing her? I know, I should have paid more attention to this, and thought about it long and hard before adopting children with him. He has no bio children and mine were all grown when we met. I have 9 grandchildren, by the way. We were in love, and we were both grownups, and yes, I overlooked a lot of stuff that I didn't think would have an affect on us as parents. I realize right now that he has a sex addiction, also. I am getting counseling and I am a codepent person, caretaker, and an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know why I need help. He is going to parenting classes, but that isn't touching on any of his deep therapy needs. I will definitely talk to my attorney about all this. Maybe my ex is not the best placement for my son, I don't know. May he should be palaced in a more therapuetic placemant to help save his future. I have been thinking that ex's brother's story could have had some impact on my son, and maybe caused him to act out worse on his siblings, I don't know.
OMG! This post validates my suspicions about your ex husband.
Your ex husband is a sex addict. He comes from a family of sexual abuse. His brother is sexually abusing. Your children are sexually abusing.
You are blind to think that your husband hasn't played a part in what has happened in your household!
wow.... this story is soooo sad. It's like what I used to hear on Loveline with Dr. Drew! It's funny because he says that ppl worry way too much about strangers kidnapping & raping our kids; but in reality, it's those closest to us who abuse our trust & violate our families in the worst possible way.
Well, I guess it is possible, it's just that I was usally always with my ex and the kids. He worked all the time and I was always with the kids. I don't work because I am on disability with my RA. What my son told his counselor was that before when he was with his bio mom they always stayed in motels and that bio mom and her boyfriend and all three kids always slept in the same bed. Son said he was awake peeking while the grownups had sex and watched porno movies. My 13 yr. old also has revealed also, that he remembers when he was about 4 or 5 an older step brother molested his brother, the one who is the offender now. I think his history of abuse previously with his bio mom abandoning him, and us becoming his parents, has caused a lot of his problems. Then us getting a divorce added to his pain and confusion. His counselor says he started looking at pornography online and wherever he could find it, used it like a drug to escape, and things progressed from there to molesting his siblings. When you adopt older children they come to you with a lot of pain, memories, good and bad, and issues that need addressed. You never know what these kids have been through in their short lifetime. This is a very sad story, and we didn't know a lot of history before we adopted him and his siblings. They are very sweet children and have had some things go wrong that they never ask for. It is truly my hopes and desires to help them and be a great mom as they are my life now. I know I am not perfect and probably spoil them when I can because I love them so much.
I was trying to find information on the web about incest but, this was the first forum I found.
A few years ago I saw my oldest son masturbating while he was playing with my 8 month old daughters bottom. I was so shocked that I almost couldn't breath for a moment. I got my daughter and told my son to go to sleep. I went in my room, with my daughter, and all I could do was just sit and try to calm myself down because, to be honest, I wanted to kill him. The next day I talked to him about what I saw and he stood there and lied and told me he was playing with the remote! I told him he was lying and he got so upset he just flew to his room. I decided then that he needed to go stay with his father in another state. I figured I'd talk to his father and he'd be able to help me sort out the situation. However, when I was talking to my son, he got into the same mood and then played the puppy dog eyes and told his father that I was accusing him of something he could never do! His father took my son's side and told me that I was just f$@^ing with my son's head! I was so shocked an surprised! I have no history of lying on anyone! His response was so, outrageous! Why would he think I'd lie on my own child? His father told me, basically, to leave my son alone, he didn't need any help or I wasn't gonna be able to contact him anymore, because I lied on him! Then his father called my mother, and told my mother the story! Now, my mother raised me and she called me and told me I was sick! She said how could he do that? I reminded her that my son is the sick one. Then I reminded her how her brothers molested me for years, so there is no scarlette letter on the heads of molesters. Then I reminded her how my father molested my older sister for years, and how when I told her what I saw, how she told me then I was lying! Of course, my older sister told my mother about the abuse last year, so me being defined as a liar was cleared. I was so hurt, my sons' father, my mother all thought I was lying on my own child! So, I didn't have any contact with my son for a while.
The next summer he came for a visit, and I made sure, my kids were not around him alone. Well, one day I fell asleep and I noticed my youngest son was out of the bed. I called his name and he came running out of a room with something on the side of his face. I called his name but, he wouldn't come, he went to restroom then came to me. I asked him what happened and he made up some story but, I knew it was a lie. I kept asking him, over and over but he just stuck to his story.
Well, just a few days ago my son told me that my oldest son had been molesting him for years. And that the stuff on his face was the white stuff that came out of my son's penis, because my oldest son told him to put his mouth on it! All I could do was hug my child and tell him I'm so proud he told me and that he will NEVER be around his brother again! I called my oldest son, who now lives with my mother 3 hours away and who shares a bedroom with my 7 year old nephew. I calmly spoke to my son and when I began to tell him about what his brother admitted had been happening my son went into the same rage and denial he did when he was at his father's house. He hung up the phone, so I called back and my sister answered, she asked what I said to make him so mad. My son was in my mother's room, telling her how I'm always accusing him and he;s tired of it! My sister told me I was a " miserable failure as a mother" because I should have made him go to counseling! How could I make him go to counseling? He wasn't living with me and his father believed him, so what was he gonna seek counseling for? My mother told me I was sick and that I needed help! I am enraged! My oldest son, is not admitting to anything, so how can I help him? I do know that I am afraid for my nephew because no adult in that house believes me, so my son still shares the bedroom with my nephew. I thought my oldest would admit to it and I could get him counseling ad find out if he was molested but, he is a sociopath! He is able to lie and manipulate everyone. He has no intentions on stopping, especially since he has made everyone believe I am a sick liar, making up stories.
I am caught, my son was accepted to college, is an honor student but he has been molesting his little brother and sister for years. He can lie and manipulate people, and make people trust him. That is a very dangerous personality. I know he has no intentions of ever stopping, he is just gonna continue to hurt others. Everyone is my child but, as a mother, my first duty is to protect my kids, even if it is from another sibling.
I know that come Monday, when I take my kids to an advocacy center, that the incident will be reported and my son will, most likely be charged. It is making my heart so heavy. I was abused as a child and was very cautious as to who my kids played with and made sure they would only sleep out to a trusted family members house. I was so busy trying to protect them from strangers, that my own child just stayed under my radar for years!
Is there anyone who has had to deal with this same situation? Can you offer me some advise or groups that will offer therapy for us all? I really need some input.
Anyone else have any experiences similiar with foster-adopted children with sexual addiction problems??? Please share with me. I need support and input of feelings and opinions from other parents.
I am the mom and my now 16 year old has been molesting his siblings in our home for the last seven years. I never thought this would happen or was happening in my home. First of all I never thought I would divorce this man I was so in love with after 12 years, either. I figured and planned to be growing old with him in love, not fighting with him and having such a hard time communication with him and having such different views. My ex and I got a divorce about 2 years ago. About seven years ago we were foster parents looking to adopt some children through CPS. We ended up adopting a sibling group of 3, two older boys and their little sister, and two single boys.
The children are adjusting well to the divorce, although I am very aware it has affected them. They seem to be happy living with me and visiting their dad when it is his time. Their ages now are olest boy 16, boy 13, boy 11, girl 9, and boy 7. They all seem to have some trust and bonding issues, the older boys more so than the younger ones. My little girl was three when we got her and I don't think she remembers much about her previous life. The older two boys are her biological brothers and were very, very upset when their bio mom left them and didn't try to get them back from CPS. She didn't even show up for court and only visited with them two or three times after they were placed in our home. Anyway, that was very traumatic for these children and they will probably always feel the affects of it. They are hard to deal with because of it, very oppositional, hard to bond with, very distrusting, don't think they are loveable, and so forth. They never learned any boundaries and don't know how to respect other people's property, and have no respect for authority. I am sure some of you adoptive parents know what I am talking about if you have adopted older children from the system. They are in counseling and therapy, and this is helping.
Anyway, to get on with what happened and how I found out what had been going on. After the divorce me and the children moved a couple of times, and have found where I hope to stay. Before this last move almost a year ago, my youngest little boy, who was only 3 months when he was placed with us, and my grandson, who is his age, began to say things to my next to the oldest son, while they were playing in the swimming pool at my oldest daughter's home. My son came and told me that he thought his older brother was a *** and was doing bad things to the kids. He told me about how they were asking him questions about his private parts, and ask questions, like how big was it. They then said that ______ was showing them how big his was and making white stuff come out of it. I was shocked and thanked him for telling me about his concerns and that I would question them and find out myself.
I immediately went to each child privately and questioned them. My oldest son was outside in the back helping fix the fence with a friend of mine. So I then called him in and took him to his room and told him I needed to ask him something, and he admitted he had played with the two boys at the park a few days ago. He had taken them in a tunnel under the road next to a pond at the partk. There was water about a foot deep in that tunnel and it was dangerous in itself. Anyway, he ask them to do things with him and whoever did the most could play with his basketball, and he admitted to molesting them each, and the rest you can imagine. I won't give specific details, because for one reason I get so upset everytime I think about it.
I called my ex, my grown daughters, and CPS. CPS had me bring in all the children for questioning, which afterwards, put us on a safety plan and arrested the offender. My ex said to me, are you going to turn in your own son? I said ofcourse, I have to, and the other children have to be protected from any future sexual abuse. I couldn't believe he said that, then again, I can.
We went to court a couple of weeks after that and my son was lucky enough to get into a juvinile sexual offenders rehab program. He has been there almost a year and will be released in June. He has really grown up a lot, and changed, received a lot of counseling, and been able to deal with a lot of deep problems and issues he had inside of him. The plan is he is going to live with his dad so he won't be around the other children and victims. He has disclosed to his dad and me in a private meeting all his victims, which were 8 or 9, and also how long he had been acting out on his victims, about 7 years, ever since we have had him in our home. He disclosed that he had been playing with the youngest boy since he was a baby. I get so mad and sick when I think of the many times I let him help change diapers, and as he became a teenager I let him babysit while I ran to the store to get milk. He was so willing to help and so sweet. He always loved helping in the kitchen and I taught him to cook, I just can't believe he had this going on and such secrets hidden. He must have really had a great amount of power over the younger children, because, they didn't tell on him. He used to read to his sister at night in her room, and she would call his name every night till he went in to kiss and hug her good night. This was ever since they had come to live with us. I thought he was just being a big brother, and was used to being the one who took care of her. He was eight when he came to stay with us and she was 2, almost 3.
I am also very upset at finding out that he would sneak around and peak through my bedroom and bathroom windows and watch me naked, take my shower, and even when my ex and I made love, he would sneak into the living room and listen by our door, even admitted he pushed the door open and watched us through the reflection of us in the photos hanging on my bedroom wall. After our divorce, he continued to sneak around the house at night when I was in my room and watch me take a shower and whatever. He stole my dirty underwear and masturbated into them for years. I feel like I have been betrayed and like someone could be watching me anywhere, anytime, now. I don't feel safe and never will if he is ever in my home again, no matter how much growing and counseling he has had.
I am now concerned that professionals running this program he is in is wanting to reunite the children with him. The plan is for the offender to aplogised to them in a safe planned setting with he, the victim and the counselors. Parents aren't allowed in that meeting. This is the ultimate goal from what I understand, and success of the program that he is in. I am against this part of the program and don't believe for one minute that this will be in the best interst of these children and that it could and probably will, traumitize them all over again. I have made my views known to my ex, the PO officer, and the counselor, and now I am being attacked by them, because I am not "onboard" with their program! How? They are turning my son in jail against me and not wanting me to be able to visit with him unless it is supervised. They are PO officer and counselor.
They say they have a 95% success with the offenders getting out and going back to their families and not reoffending. That is great and wonderful, but do we have to take that chance, and put these little ones back into a situation where it could happen again? Sure there is a safety plan, and locks on doors, and no one can undress in their own room, or wear pjs around the house, and so on and so on, but really now, red flags, patterns learned, rehab, counseling, all that may not be good enough, if he had the opportunity in front of him. I just can't be ok with them being in the same home overnight with him.
Yes, he will live with his dad, if the judge approves this plan, and his dad will have that responsibity of watching him and making sure he doesn't break his safety plan and probation. The outcome for him if he messes up after he is released iinto his dad's custody will be devastaing for him. He will go to TYC until he is 19 and have to be a registered sex offender. Here is my concern and hope they are listening to me. Dad still will have visitation rights with these other children at my home. Where will my son, the offender, be staying while dad takes them to his home??? He will be in his dad's home, and now since I am not onboard with their program, the counselor is not going to approve for my son to stay with me at my home while they are there at dad's. This messes up the plan for us as parents to be able to swap out the children. They want me to have only supervised visits with him and are planning at this time to get a court order for that. Wow! That puts my children visiting their father with the oldest son in the home! What did I do except be a good, protecting parent and look out for the best interest of these other children, his victims? Also, is it fair and in my son's best intersest to not have time to spend with me, his mom, after his first mom abandoned him? I am not abandoning him. I have provided whatever he has asked me for while he is incarcerated in this program, and paid his probation fees. The only thing I am really guilty of is being so upset and hurt over his actions and lying and hiding from me what he was doing the last seven years. I haven't been to visit him as often the last two months because I am so upset with him. If he can't stay with me again after he gets out I probably won't be that upset over that, but my kids going to their dad's home and staying with him in the same home upsets me. I think he should have lost that privilege until they are grown ups and can deal with it in a mature world. Now they are not adults and are children and should not be asked to make such a decision of such responsiblility like that. They need to have their rights as victims respected.
Please, let me know how you feel, and what would you do?
Mom
No no no no no....sex offenders do not stop because the way their brain works is as a compulsion. He will probably end up doing it again sometime later in his life and i would not risk the safety of your children around him.
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Heartbroken and Confused
