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Anyone else have any experiences similiar with foster-adopted children with sexual addiction problems??? Please share with me. I need support and input of feelings and opinions from other parents.
I am the mom and my now 16 year old has been molesting his siblings in our home for the last seven years. I never thought this would happen or was happening in my home. First of all I never thought I would divorce this man I was so in love with after 12 years, either. I figured and planned to be growing old with him in love, not fighting with him and having such a hard time communication with him and having such different views. My ex and I got a divorce about 2 years ago. About seven years ago we were foster parents looking to adopt some children through CPS. We ended up adopting a sibling group of 3, two older boys and their little sister, and two single boys.
The children are adjusting well to the divorce, although I am very aware it has affected them. They seem to be happy living with me and visiting their dad when it is his time. Their ages now are olest boy 16, boy 13, boy 11, girl 9, and boy 7. They all seem to have some trust and bonding issues, the older boys more so than the younger ones. My little girl was three when we got her and I don't think she remembers much about her previous life. The older two boys are her biological brothers and were very, very upset when their bio mom left them and didn't try to get them back from CPS. She didn't even show up for court and only visited with them two or three times after they were placed in our home. Anyway, that was very traumatic for these children and they will probably always feel the affects of it. They are hard to deal with because of it, very oppositional, hard to bond with, very distrusting, don't think they are loveable, and so forth. They never learned any boundaries and don't know how to respect other people's property, and have no respect for authority. I am sure some of you adoptive parents know what I am talking about if you have adopted older children from the system. They are in counseling and therapy, and this is helping.
Anyway, to get on with what happened and how I found out what had been going on. After the divorce me and the children moved a couple of times, and have found where I hope to stay. Before this last move almost a year ago, my youngest little boy, who was only 3 months when he was placed with us, and my grandson, who is his age, began to say things to my next to the oldest son, while they were playing in the swimming pool at my oldest daughter's home. My son came and told me that he thought his older brother was a *** and was doing bad things to the kids. He told me about how they were asking him questions about his private parts, and ask questions, like how big was it. They then said that ______ was showing them how big his was and making white stuff come out of it. I was shocked and thanked him for telling me about his concerns and that I would question them and find out myself.
I immediately went to each child privately and questioned them. My oldest son was outside in the back helping fix the fence with a friend of mine. So I then called him in and took him to his room and told him I needed to ask him something, and he admitted he had played with the two boys at the park a few days ago. He had taken them in a tunnel under the road next to a pond at the partk. There was water about a foot deep in that tunnel and it was dangerous in itself. Anyway, he ask them to do things with him and whoever did the most could play with his basketball, and he admitted to molesting them each, and the rest you can imagine. I won't give specific details, because for one reason I get so upset everytime I think about it.
I called my ex, my grown daughters, and CPS. CPS had me bring in all the children for questioning, which afterwards, put us on a safety plan and arrested the offender. My ex said to me, are you going to turn in your own son? I said ofcourse, I have to, and the other children have to be protected from any future sexual abuse. I couldn't believe he said that, then again, I can.
We went to court a couple of weeks after that and my son was lucky enough to get into a juvinile sexual offenders rehab program. He has been there almost a year and will be released in June. He has really grown up a lot, and changed, received a lot of counseling, and been able to deal with a lot of deep problems and issues he had inside of him. The plan is he is going to live with his dad so he won't be around the other children and victims. He has disclosed to his dad and me in a private meeting all his victims, which were 8 or 9, and also how long he had been acting out on his victims, about 7 years, ever since we have had him in our home. He disclosed that he had been playing with the youngest boy since he was a baby. I get so mad and sick when I think of the many times I let him help change diapers, and as he became a teenager I let him babysit while I ran to the store to get milk. He was so willing to help and so sweet. He always loved helping in the kitchen and I taught him to cook, I just can't believe he had this going on and such secrets hidden. He must have really had a great amount of power over the younger children, because, they didn't tell on him. He used to read to his sister at night in her room, and she would call his name every night till he went in to kiss and hug her good night. This was ever since they had come to live with us. I thought he was just being a big brother, and was used to being the one who took care of her. He was eight when he came to stay with us and she was 2, almost 3.
I am also very upset at finding out that he would sneak around and peak through my bedroom and bathroom windows and watch me naked, take my shower, and even when my ex and I made love, he would sneak into the living room and listen by our door, even admitted he pushed the door open and watched us through the reflection of us in the photos hanging on my bedroom wall. After our divorce, he continued to sneak around the house at night when I was in my room and watch me take a shower and whatever. He stole my dirty underwear and masturbated into them for years. I feel like I have been betrayed and like someone could be watching me anywhere, anytime, now. I don't feel safe and never will if he is ever in my home again, no matter how much growing and counseling he has had.
I am now concerned that professionals running this program he is in is wanting to reunite the children with him. The plan is for the offender to aplogised to them in a safe planned setting with he, the victim and the counselors. Parents aren't allowed in that meeting. This is the ultimate goal from what I understand, and success of the program that he is in. I am against this part of the program and don't believe for one minute that this will be in the best interst of these children and that it could and probably will, traumitize them all over again. I have made my views known to my ex, the PO officer, and the counselor, and now I am being attacked by them, because I am not "onboard" with their program! How? They are turning my son in jail against me and not wanting me to be able to visit with him unless it is supervised. They are PO officer and counselor.
They say they have a 95% success with the offenders getting out and going back to their families and not reoffending. That is great and wonderful, but do we have to take that chance, and put these little ones back into a situation where it could happen again? Sure there is a safety plan, and locks on doors, and no one can undress in their own room, or wear pjs around the house, and so on and so on, but really now, red flags, patterns learned, rehab, counseling, all that may not be good enough, if he had the opportunity in front of him. I just can't be ok with them being in the same home overnight with him.
Yes, he will live with his dad, if the judge approves this plan, and his dad will have that responsibity of watching him and making sure he doesn't break his safety plan and probation. The outcome for him if he messes up after he is released iinto his dad's custody will be devastaing for him. He will go to TYC until he is 19 and have to be a registered sex offender. Here is my concern and hope they are listening to me. Dad still will have visitation rights with these other children at my home. Where will my son, the offender, be staying while dad takes them to his home??? He will be in his dad's home, and now since I am not onboard with their program, the counselor is not going to approve for my son to stay with me at my home while they are there at dad's. This messes up the plan for us as parents to be able to swap out the children. They want me to have only supervised visits with him and are planning at this time to get a court order for that. Wow! That puts my children visiting their father with the oldest son in the home! What did I do except be a good, protecting parent and look out for the best interest of these other children, his victims? Also, is it fair and in my son's best intersest to not have time to spend with me, his mom, after his first mom abandoned him? I am not abandoning him. I have provided whatever he has asked me for while he is incarcerated in this program, and paid his probation fees. The only thing I am really guilty of is being so upset and hurt over his actions and lying and hiding from me what he was doing the last seven years. I haven't been to visit him as often the last two months because I am so upset with him. If he can't stay with me again after he gets out I probably won't be that upset over that, but my kids going to their dad's home and staying with him in the same home upsets me. I think he should have lost that privilege until they are grown ups and can deal with it in a mature world. Now they are not adults and are children and should not be asked to make such a decision of such responsiblility like that. They need to have their rights as victims respected.
Please, let me know how you feel, and what would you do?
Yes, everyone is in counseling, including myself. The counselor for the children said to me that she felt the children were being pushed to go to a meeting with their brother so he could apologize. She said it was too soon and that they expressed to her they were afraid of him and loved and missed him. My own couselor said the same thing and that he had a lot of power over them and did a lot of malipulating and persuasion to get them not to tell on him all these years. She advised that it would be traumatic for them and he could maybe just look at them a certain way and send them right back there without even knowing it.
I expressed this to the PO officer the other day and said that they think I am persuading them. They also think that I neglected to get them into counseling and I was forced to do so. Totally wrong and another way they are twisting things up to make me look bad. My ex is really trying to look good to them and they don't even know what a monster he is and how bad he can affect my oldest son, and when I try to talk about him and alarm them then again I am the bad mom putting my ex down. He is a controller and verbally abusive and is way too harsh on punishment and discipline. But then again he is always right and I am always to blame for everything gone wrong or that turns out badly or wrong. That is exactly why I left and got the divorce. Out divorce was very stressful and he fought for the kids and didn't win. Anyway, my son used to hate his dad and I would tell him not to because that was his dad and dad loves him. Now he has to live with him and I feel like the boy is mad at me for not letting him come here to live. I believe I am the one that spoke up in the beginning and said he cannot be here with the children. I could be wrong about the offender being mad at me but that is my gut feeling when I talk to him and visit with him in the jail. I forgive him and hope he does well with his probabion and never offends again, so he can have a better future, but I will never trust him, or can't right now.
I am now concerned that professionals running this program he is in is wanting to reunite the children with him. The plan is for the offender to aplogised to them in a safe planned setting with he, the victim and the counselors. Parents aren't allowed in that meeting. This is the ultimate goal from what I understand, and success of the program that he is in. I am against this part of the program and don't believe for one minute that this will be in the best interst of these children and that it could and probably will, traumitize them all over again. I have made my views known to my ex, the PO officer, and the counselor, and now I am being attacked by them, because I am not "onboard" with their program! How? They are turning my son in jail against me and not wanting me to be able to visit with him unless it is supervised. They are PO officer and counselor.
I wouldn't be comfortable with that plan either. It sounds like the intent is to heal the abuser. I can understand why there is a need, but I can't imagine if it's good for the victims. It's just not a good idea, at all.
Speaking of the victims, I hope you are aware that they very well could be abusers now too. I sure hope they've been provided with as intensive therapy as the older brother. And please recognize that your oldest is not only an abuser, but was most likely a victim himself. He didn't come up with this idea on his own. He learned it from someone who did it to him when he was little.
As a result, this is quite a quandary. You can't imagine having him stay in the house with the younger children. But the children who are living in your house could be abusing other children in your house. This is quite a mess.
I'm not saying this to be cruel. I just think that you need to open your eyes. Focusing on him like he is the evil one could be blinding you from seeing things clearly. The reality is that all of your children, including him, are victims, and it's very likely that more than him is an abuser or a potential abuser.
I expressed this to the PO officer the other day and said that they think I am persuading them. They also think that I neglected to get them into counseling and I was forced to do so. Totally wrong and another way they are twisting things up to make me look bad.
You need a lawyer. It sounds like they have it in their heads to take the rest of your children away from you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nanamom2
I believe I am the one that spoke up in the beginning and said he cannot be here with the children. I could be wrong about the offender being mad at me but that is my gut feeling when I talk to him and visit with him in the jail. I forgive him and hope he does well with his probabion and never offends again, so he can have a better future, but I will never trust him, or can't right now.
How was he when you visited him prior to your saying he couldn't come home? If he always seemed mad, then his feelings could be rooted in your turning him in.
Let's look at some things you said about your ex:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nanamom2
My ex said to me, are you going to turn in your own son? I said ofcourse, I have to, and the other children have to be protected from any future sexual abuse. I couldn't believe he said that, then again, I can.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nanamom2
My ex is really trying to look good to them and they don't even know what a monster he is and how bad he can affect my oldest son, and when I try to talk about him and alarm them then again I am the bad mom putting my ex down. He is a controller and verbally abusive and is way too harsh on punishment and discipline.
Is it possible that your ex is an abuser and your child learned this behavior from him?
If you even remotely think it's possible, I recommend having a serious talk with your adult daughters. Although their answer is no guarantee because he could have only targetted boys. But it would still be a good idea to talk to them and find out---especially since it sounds like they might be wanting to take your children away from you.
I've heard it said many times that pedophiles cannot be cured. I believe it and this has been going on for way too long.
Get yourself a good family law lawyer now-even if you think you can't afford it. Sounds to me the authorities are too concentrated on their program and not your remaining children.
Be alert and I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like this oldest son just can't be a part of your family. I sure wouldn't want my younger children any more traumatized than they already are.
I don't understand why they won't let you visit him alone?
And surely no court would take your children from you, give them to a father who also has a sex offender in the home. That is just too much to comprehend.
Oh, I know, and you are exactly right. I have to watch the other children and pay attention to any red flags to alarm me of them abusing each other. They are in couseling and therapy. The oldest is very much a victim himself, and a whole lot of stuff has been made know as he revealed it in his therapy in this program. I don't believe he is evil, I just don't want him to have the opportunity to make those wrong choices again with his victims. I am not positive he will ever reoffend, and if he did, it could happen anywhere. It is just too much to ask of these children to be made available to him, and not in their best interest at all.
The baby is the only one who came to us with no abuse and neglect history. Now I find out that he has been sexually abused by his older brother all his life in out home, where he was adopted at 9 months old. Now I understand why he was throwing his anger tantrums. I am so heart broken over all this. I know I am a good mother and I take care of my kids, regardless of what anyone says, like Mr. EX. I am trying to be more aware than ever, of my surroundings and what could be happening. I am also praying to God to heal and protect these children and help me help them grow up with life skills to help them survive and have a healthy, happy, life.
I am going to hire an attorney next week I already have an appointment set up. I don't believe my ex has sexually abused these children, but his brother is being accused by his 11 year old daughter of sexually molesting her. He had gotten a divorce and had custody of his little girl for the past 3 or 4 years at the time my neice made her outcry to her mom on one of her weekend visit. They lived right down the street from us, when my ex and I were together and I babysat her everyday till her dad came home from work. He finally was arrested and guess who bailed him out? My ex who never has a job and hasn't been able to pay child support in 9 months. He has paid like $20 a month just so he can say he is paying something. That is another reason I don't think that dad is the best place for son to be when he is is released. Anyway, back to the ex's brother who is accused of molesting his daughter. He goes to trial in July and August of this summer. I will be there to see what happens to him. All of this came out right after my leaving ex two years ago. They (ex and his bother) blamed me for this story and said I made it up in order to get back at them because of my divorce I had filed for. Crazy! See how I ultimately get blamed for everything? Even something that had nothing to do with me!
I didn't even know about this for a couple of months after it had been made known. CPS had taken my neice out of school and placed with her mom and I started asking questions where she was, because I didn't see her around anymore and the kids went to school with her and rode the bus with her. They wondered where she was also. When I started asking about her, my ex told me her mom had her, had stole her from her dad and refused to bring her back. This brother used to babysit our kids a lot, also, so I might ask my kids some questions about him. Maybe....that is an awful thought. But the opportunity was certainly there.
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