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I recently got into a relationship with a woman from Puerto Rico. Her primary language is spanish as is her daughters. They moved up here to the US and live with me in the midwest. Her daughter came too who is 18 years old. My issues are the parenting style and lack of discipline and follow thru by the mother. I have stressed to both of them that then need to continue to learn and practice english as language is everything here for securing higher end employment. It seems I get a lot of agreement, but all they do is talk spanish to each other. The daughter took an ESL (english second language) classes and was never serious, did not study, and failed them all by the test scores. She does not have a drivers permit either and says she is looking for a job but is too relaxed with it and basically nothing is happening there too. Neither one work and the daughter tends to sleep until noon everyday and the mother is okay with that. Her daughter's daily routine is to wake up around noon, get on the computer and facebook, internet surfing, calling friends and that is about it. I work full time for many years and am accustomed to getting up early and have a good work eithic and try to advance myself. It really bothers me that their ideas about life are basically to just relax and every thing in life kind of comes to you. I have had many conversations with the mother about it, and she has a real problem communicating when there is a conflict like this and shuts down and does not want to talk for a day or so. She might yell at her daughter to study, but does not follow thru. I could go on and on, but I am soliciting advice on how to proceed. I do love the mother, but something in my house needs to change soon. It has been 2 years not and I am not here just to support them so they can hang out all day.
Stop providing privileges. If the daughter isn't working, she can't be on your computer. If they refuse to provide their portion of the necessities, you refuse to provide any of the luxuries. Call it frugality. You are happy to meet all their basic needs, but the luxuries are up to them.
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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Just one man's opinion:
I've seen a lot of people who looked completely lost, clueless and without direction or discipline at 18 or at 22 turn things around and start "doing it right". A kid who is closer to thirty than to legal drinking age is less likely to get the ball rolling in the right direction and that likelihood becomes more and more remote as time passes.
It occurs to me that you are not this girl's father (nor, I assume, are you the mother's husband) and you are not acting as though you really have a huge problem with propping both of them up. If you did you would just pull the props. I don't get the sense that the mother believes this is a real possibility.
I'm not trying to be an ass, but it sounds like you have, indeed, been trained to support them so that they may hang out all day. You obviously do not want to kick them to the curb, but you do seem to want to supply internet, computer access, cable TV, privacy, and, I'm assuming, vehicles and walking around money. Why would anyone change if they have everything they want? You're holding the cards. The internet-at-large can't fix this for you.
Y'all are missing the basic problem: OP is trying to change the behavior of other adults, who can make their own decisions. Your first responder said it well: They are who they are.
I'm pretty sure the girlfriend didn't say to herself: "I'll get into a relationship with a man and let him change me into what he likes."
She's either a good match for you or she isn't. Stop kidding yourself! :-p
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. Are you married to her or not?
: But apparently someone told you that since you edited your post.
