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The shallow Hal's and Haley's will disappear. They were not true friends anyway. My wife and I have only two friends from the group of about fifteen we had when we first got married 20yrs ago. Its ok though you need friends to support you and have common grown-up interests.
My sister is amongst the "child hater" club. She never liked kids - even when we were growing up and I was babysitting the neighborhood kids. She went without the extra money, just so she wouldn't have to deal with the kids. We grew up and both got married... I had 3 kids, and she had dogs, snowmobiles, a boat, and a brand new car. We have definately lived different lives that we both have found satisfying. We have come to an unspoken agreement... I don't talk exclusively about my kids when I'm with her and she doesn't give her opinion about my kids. It's actually kind of nice for me to be able to step away from being a Mom and spend a couple hours with another adult who has other interests besides kids. Having said all this... my example is my sister and not a friend. She's my only sibling and we have had to find a way to get along or lose touch with each other completely. I think you will find that your pool of friends will change once you have a baby. You'll just have less in common with the friends who choose to be kid-free.
I guess I avoided this problem because I've always felt that people that don't like kids (and to a lesser extent dogs) are missing something. I just can't relate to them. In our group of friends, we have a few younger couples that don't have kids. They fit in just fine, they play with the kids, they hang out with us after the kids go to bed, but they are the type of people that do want kids later.
Frankly, if your friends are in their 40s and still wanting to "club", they seem pretty shallow. There is nothing wrong with doing that occasionally (even as a parent) but if you haven't grown past clubbing as your primary form of entertainment 20 years past the legal drinking age, that is kind of sad IMO. If you have a deep friendship with someone who really doesn't like kids, you can maintain that friendship through activities that you share (exercise for example).
As a read through this thread I keep thinking about Sex and the City. The subject came up a few times, like when Miranda had her baby, and when the 4 of them went to a friend's baby shower in the suburbs. On the show, it came off like the mommies were the "bad guys" because they changed, and the 4 main characters were the "good guys" because they hadn't changed. I still don't think it is about right and wrong, or good or bad. Different people make different choices.
I am surrounded by friends who are frankly baby haters. Every chance they get they are bashing a friend who had a baby or making faces about having babies. Yada yada. It's to the point where I feel like something is wrong with me for wanting to have a child. I personally think this is very normal.
I guess I wish they would be respectful and appreciate we all want different things.
Having children is neither is right or wrong - it's just a personal choice, but the fact that your so-called "friends" apparently mock and decry choices others make that differ from their own makes me wonder why you'd want to hang around them anyway...I have several friends without kids. No big deal. I don't look down or or make fun of their choice and I wouldn't expect them to act that way toward mine or anyone else's. That's the attitude I just don't get. If you have kids, I would guess you will not be seeing too much of these people....the question you have to figure out is, will it be that big of a loss?
Do you expect your friends to change their interests or opinions or priorities just because you've changed yours? That hardly seems fair. And I don't think its right to cast aspersions on them for holding true to their values and beliefs.
And while you may not be talking much about your plans to have children, rest assured, your friends have endured hours and hours and hours of endless chitchat about ovulation and epidurals and cosleeping and breastfeeding and homeschooling and on and on and on. They've lost friends, good ones, who became so wrapped up in baby-making that they didn't even see themselves disappearing. And worse, while they disappeared, they expected your friends to go along with them--to act as babysitters and entertainment for their children. I'm sure you've seen these kinds of people. Unfortunately, it only takes a few before everyone gets cast with the same net. So their resentment and 'hate' isn't entirely unfounded, just maybe misplaced.
If you want to remain friends with them, you're going to have to ask them to tone down the rhetoric a bit. And at the same time, if you want to remain friends, you have to respect them too. You can't claim you are someone's friend while also judging them--whether it be clubbing or not having children or anything else.
Having had my kids in my mid-40s (long story as to why it took me so long, too, and I ended up adopting as my ovaries and uterus weren't cooperative in my quest,) I found that my non-kid friends who were really, really good friends remained really good friends. Those who weren't as good friends and/or don't really like kids, I saw much less of them, especially when the kids were babies. I have re-established some friendships more recently (kids are now 5 and 7.)
Once you have kids, you will want to hang out with others who have things in common with you, and that means other moms. In my 30s and early 40s when most of my friends were having kids, I felt sort of left out and I found it hard to maintain friendships. Once I had kids, that all changed. My life feels very full of friends now, and that's a really nice and unexpected thing that happened as a result of my kids.
I don't have any suggestions, but wish you luck in your quest for kids. They're worth it :-)
My husband and I experienced the same thing, only we were in our twenties when we started our family. Of course our friends who were in their twenties thought we were crazy. They wanted to go clubbing and partying and bar-hopping and all that. We didn't care. We followed our hearts and we're glad we did! (Our oldest is 15 now...)
Try to go your own way and follow your own dreams without worrying what other people think about it. It's your life - so live it by your standards of happiness not anyone else's. If the "baby haters" don't like what you're doing, they'll move on and so will you. Or, perhaps they'll learn to respect your choice and learn to show a little more class and maturity towards others who don't feel the same way about things that they do. If they are true friends, they would at least put forth a solid effort at this.
Disclaimer- I am 57, childfree by choice, tubal ligation at age 30 because no one would do it earlier and I didn't know enough to insist. Likely lost one great guy over the issue.
I cannot stand the presence of babies or small children. I am good with older children and teenagers, but find it boring and draining and can't wait to get away.
When people have kids, their lives change. Their priority is their kids, at least the women change that way. As my friend, I'm interested in their experience of the change in the lives, and their feelings, not "Little Joey's poop is green" or whatever. If all they want to focus on, can focus on, is every little detail of their body and their kid,then our friendships dry up. Interestingly, I've recently heard from a couple of old friends, coincidentally as their younger kid leaves for college.
For the record, all people who are childfree or childless are not necessarily "clubbing, traveling," etc. And it is not a shallow life because of a lack of children. In fact, anecdotally, I've seen unchilded people have more time/energy/money to support and volunteer with causes important to them, while often parents are only interested in that which affects only their kids.
What are unchilded people doing? The same daily things most people do. Go to work. See friends. Support causes. Spend time with spouse, if so fortunate. Take care of business. Fix house, care for pets. Etc. This image of unchilded people out drinking and puking on their shoes or bragging about big-deal vacations and getting nails done at the spa is quite a stereotype. We are adults like anyone else, and live our lives. We just aren't focused on family, that is, kid family and activities.
Some unchilded people like kids. One friend of mine loves teaching middle-school music, never wanted kids (nor did either of her husbands). Many unchilded people I know really enjoy their spouses, because they aren't "stuck" for the needs of kids (I know that's only true for some parents, but it does exist).
Babies repulse me. Co-workers who want to shove pictures of larval newborns should know me by now. I am interested in how that parent or grandparent feels or is experiencing the new life, but that's it. If I see a photo of a family (not necessarily a baby), I cheerfully comment, "What a handsome family you are."
Unchilded friends might not be waiting aroundt to be contacted after the divorce/empty nest time- too many years. I do understand the early parent years as being quite consuming. I'd rather than parents of all ages didn't assume their greater maturity or my lesser-so.
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