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Old 04-30-2010, 05:03 PM
 
13 posts, read 18,074 times
Reputation: 12

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I am a single mother to two children, a boy(15, 16 in July) and a girl(20, 21 in August). The girl won't be moving out until a little after May of next year due to P.O.S.T Academy.

We are moving soon and have been looking at houses and have found the one, its a 4bdr 4bth spacious house, a little outside of city limits, you could literally be in one place of the house and not even know where the others in the house were. It's THAT big and spread out.

We went out and looked at it today and the kids and I are in love with it and they have already picked out which rooms are theirs etc.

What concerns me is the room my daughter picked out.
The room is a master bedroom, which there are two master bedrooms, the house is renovated so the second and main and biggest master bedroom is upstairs. Its not the fact that its a master bedroom because this room is designed as a teenagers room, pink paint and decor etc, Its the fact that it has its own bathroom en suite and it also has its own door out of the house.

She already stays in her room 100% of the time she is home. Has a mini fridge in her room. She basically stays cooped up in there and never comes out.
She has already expressed in her own words said, "I NEVER have to share a bathroom EVER again and you guys will hardly ever see me."

I worry that if she had the bathroom en suite and all of her things in her room (mini fridge, laptop, tv, cell phone, radio, iPod, etc) that she'll never come out unless its to eat or go down to the basement to wash her laundry.

Second. The door to the outside. The room is in a very secluded part of the house away from everything else.
She already frequently leaves on short notice to go to a friends party, crash at a friends place etc...
And I know she dates etc.

So my concerns are her leaving without letting me know, with such ease of access or having guys over in her room, it could all happen so easily.


So to wrap it up my concerns are
1. Her never leaving her room, except when absolutely necessary.
2. Leaving late at night or middle of the night to go out.
3. Her bringing her boyfriend in.


Like I said, this room is on the far end of the house, you won't be able to know what goes on or be able to hear anything over there unless you take a trip to that side of the house...which I highly doubt will happen.


Other key points:
This is the house we are choosing, we're set.
There are no other rooms she could take. The other rooms are smaller and do no have an en suite bathroom and that should go to her and not a 15 year old boy. (Who I know won't want a pink room.)

She is 20 after all and will be 21 in August.
Should I worry and set some rules?
Or should I just let her be as long as she isn't being loud at night and I remain oblivious as to what *could* be going on?

Would you set any rules?
What would you do?


She is a responsible girl.
Doesn't drink away from home.
Would never drink and drive.
She had good friends.
She is going into law enforcement.
She doesn't do drugs.
She is a very smart and bright girl.

She just loves her independence. She has been wanting a room like this for the longest time and would love the en suite bathroom and the "space" and "independence" of this kind of set up away from everything. She wants to be able to leave and not disturb anyone, which I am glad she is considerate. I know she wouldn't be leaving to go get into any trouble but she does like to go out late and stay out late and she does get quite a bit boy crazy.

I reposted under a new title to attract more people to answer.
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
677 posts, read 1,529,487 times
Reputation: 633
This is coming from an (almost) 20 year old, not a parent, so take it for what it's worth

I wouldn't worry yourself over it. It sounds like you've done a great job raising a responsible and independent daughter. She is an adult now and deserves her personal space. Also, if you keep trying to control her she'll just push you further away.

Even if she does bring in her boyfriend, is it really that big of a deal? If it bothers you that much, set ground rules, but I don't see anything wrong with a 20 year old woman inviting her boyfriend over, or going to spend time with her friends. Edited to add: You could also establish a rule that she needs to let you know when she has people over. That way, you'll always know if she has friends over and can at least stay informed about it rather than guessing and worrying.

Good luck and congrats on the new house! It sounds amazing
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:32 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 100,465,372 times
Reputation: 30548
She's an adult.

She has a legal right to leave the house whenever she wants.

She has a legal right to have a boyfriend over to the house whenever she wants.

If you don't want her to have those rights, don't let her live with you---and she can have those rights elsewhere.

It's silly when parents try to impose rules on adult children.

You either let them be adults or you let them move. To keep them home and try to treat them like children is ridiculous.
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,346,470 times
Reputation: 1925
She is 20, you can not control her behavior outside your home. The only thing you can do is tell her what the rules are while living in your home rent free and if she doesn't follow them she can move out.
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:44 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 22,129,019 times
Reputation: 12230
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2TEEN&YA View Post
I am a single mother to two children, a boy(15, 16 in July) and a girl(20, 21 in August). The girl won't be moving out until a little after May of next year due to P.O.S.T Academy.

We are moving soon and have been looking at houses and have found the one, its a 4bdr 4bth spacious house, a little outside of city limits, you could literally be in one place of the house and not even know where the others in the house were. It's THAT big and spread out.

We went out and looked at it today and the kids and I are in love with it and they have already picked out which rooms are theirs etc.

What concerns me is the room my daughter picked out.
The room is a master bedroom, which there are two master bedrooms, the house is renovated so the second and main and biggest master bedroom is upstairs. Its not the fact that its a master bedroom because this room is designed as a teenagers room, pink paint and decor etc, Its the fact that it has its own bathroom en suite and it also has its own door out of the house.

She already stays in her room 100% of the time she is home. Has a mini fridge in her room. She basically stays cooped up in there and never comes out.
She has already expressed in her own words said, "I NEVER have to share a bathroom EVER again and you guys will hardly ever see me."

I worry that if she had the bathroom en suite and all of her things in her room (mini fridge, laptop, tv, cell phone, radio, iPod, etc) that she'll never come out unless its to eat or go down to the basement to wash her laundry.

Second. The door to the outside. The room is in a very secluded part of the house away from everything else.
She already frequently leaves on short notice to go to a friends party, crash at a friends place etc...
And I know she dates etc.

So my concerns are her leaving without letting me know, with such ease of access or having guys over in her room, it could all happen so easily.


So to wrap it up my concerns are
1. Her never leaving her room, except when absolutely necessary.
2. Leaving late at night or middle of the night to go out.
3. Her bringing her boyfriend in.


Like I said, this room is on the far end of the house, you won't be able to know what goes on or be able to hear anything over there unless you take a trip to that side of the house...which I highly doubt will happen.


Other key points:
This is the house we are choosing, we're set.
There are no other rooms she could take. The other rooms are smaller and do no have an en suite bathroom and that should go to her and not a 15 year old boy. (Who I know won't want a pink room.)

She is 20 after all and will be 21 in August.
Should I worry and set some rules?
Or should I just let her be as long as she isn't being loud at night and I remain oblivious as to what *could* be going on?

Would you set any rules?
What would you do?


She is a responsible girl.
Doesn't drink away from home.
Would never drink and drive.
She had good friends.
She is going into law enforcement.
She doesn't do drugs.
She is a very smart and bright girl.

She just loves her independence. She has been wanting a room like this for the longest time and would love the en suite bathroom and the "space" and "independence" of this kind of set up away from everything. She wants to be able to leave and not disturb anyone, which I am glad she is considerate. I know she wouldn't be leaving to go get into any trouble but she does like to go out late and stay out late and she does get quite a bit boy crazy.

I reposted under a new title to attract more people to answer.
She's almost 21. Parents who have adult children in the house need to set house rules, but those house rules should be house rules for ADULTS, not TEENAGERS. She is not a teenager.

I can't imagine an adult having to ask anyone's permission to leave the house. I also think that anyone who is 21 is old enough to have sex if they want to have sex.

What I would ask of her is to be discreet, and you certainly have a right to restrict overnight guests of any gender in your home. I think that as a courtesy to you she should keep you posted on where she is and when you can expect her home, but she is an adult at 21.

You have to allow your children to grow up. Rules for a 21 year old should not be as restrictive as rules for a 16 year old.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:04 PM
 
4,253 posts, read 8,775,237 times
Reputation: 5118
I would be more worried about people getting access to her room, without her permission, and without you knowing.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:22 PM
 
3,646 posts, read 10,317,154 times
Reputation: 5484
lmao... some of the replies to this thread are ALMOST funnier than the original OP.

I say - let it go.

It's obvious you haven't parented her up to this point, it's probably too late to start now. Continue to let her dictate the rules in your home. Just be grateful she's letting YOU live there and pay the bills.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:53 PM
 
Location: The brown house on the cul de sac
2,080 posts, read 4,529,430 times
Reputation: 9308
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
lmao... some of the replies to this thread are ALMOST funnier than the original OP.

I say - let it go.

It's obvious you haven't parented her up to this point, it's probably too late to start now. Continue to let her dictate the rules in your home. Just be grateful she's letting YOU live there and pay the bills.
I was thinking along these same lines...

I was also wondering with all the houses on the market now, why would you even consider one with this set up if you are concerned about those issues in your post.

Seems to me you are setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary stress by buying a house with this unusual set up.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:10 PM
 
47,528 posts, read 64,968,179 times
Reputation: 22370
She's 20 and if she doesn't like the rules you make for your house, then tell her where the door is and let her get packing.

As long as it's your house, you make the rules for it. You do not have to allow her to dictate a single rule for the home. You don't have to provide any adult a love nest.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:15 PM
 
Location: ATL suburb
1,364 posts, read 3,899,524 times
Reputation: 1568
Your post is completely contradictory. First you say you're worried about her "sneaking out" (she's grown; why would she sneak out?) and inviting boys into the house. Then you say she's smart and responsible, and you're worried she won't come out of her room. Which is it?

She's 20, and while she lives in your house, she's subject to your rules. However, if she's a responsible adult, why are you so concerned about her leaving the house "on short notice"? She's old enough to decide to go to a party without telling you the exact details on when and where (it's a courtesy to tell you). If she had her own place, she'd be doing all of this anyway.

Let go! She's an adult.
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