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What is considered screwing up in your house? Everyone screws up now and then. Our brains aren't even fully formed for good decision making skills in the frontal lobe until the mid-twenties. Until then, kids can still have trouble making good choices and thinking about consequences. Look it up if you don't believe me. My friends that have teens consider them slightly crazy because of this biological issue. Right around 20-23 is when the frontal lobe is in it's last stages of forming which can cause all kinds of mental imbalance as well as physical signs of tiredness, etc. Kind of like the terrible two's make toddlers act.
Just because dad insists he take responsibility he's a bully? Ridiculous. Obviously, sonny boy has been a slacker for some time, and dad has earned the right to be angry. Yup, the right.
This didn't happen overnight and I wonder where was dad the last 20 years?
I'm surprised how many people are blaming the father for the son's problems. For those whose kids have never had trouble in school or keeping a job - consider yourselves very, very lucky. My husband and I are both hardworking, responsible people. We always tried very hard to set an example for my stepkids and our son.
My stepson dropped out of college after a year of abysmal grades and no effort. He now works full-time, but says he hates the job and wants to go back to school, yet he's done nothing about looking into classes. We've told him we will pay for school but he's got to keep working part-time to pay his expenses(he lives with his mom and stepdad - not sure if they'll keep charging him room and board if he's in school, but he'll at the very least have his car expenses and entertainment).
My stepdaughter is graduating from high school(God willing) in June. She's done nothing about looking into colleges. She doesn't work - in February she was fired from her first job(McDonald's). She gets no money from us - she does some household chores in exchange for her cell phone expenses.
From when they were teenagers, we gave them a small allowance in exchange for doing chores. Half of that money went into savings accounts to be used for major purchases which we had to approve(stepson bought a computer; stepdaughter had to use the money to pay for summer school when she failed 3 classes). We hoped this would encourage them to find part-time jobs, but neither did until they were 18. My husband and I had part-time jobs from when we were young teens.
These kids are just LAZY. They've always done the minimum they could to slide by. They seem to have no ambition at all. Is this my fault? Their father's fault? How do you blame parents for their kids not being motivated or ambitious?
I keep hoping my skids will grow up. One problem factor is their mother, who will probably let them live there with her forever. But what young adult would want to live at home? Who wouldn't want privacy at that age? I went away to college at 18 and never went back, and my husband left at 19. So we don't get them at all.
To the OP: I disagree with trying to send a message on your son's birthday - I'm tough(and resentful at this point, to be honest), but we still take the kids to dinner and give them a card and a check. I agree with you on the cell phone, also, but I probably would have waited until the next day. But I don't think this is all your fault. Some kids are just immature and lazy. Let's hope they grow up soon!
My son will turn 20 tomorrow, and I am disappointed with him again. On Saturday after two days of training he gets fired from his job at an amusement park as a ride operator due to his failure to follow a simple safety procedure (thumbs up before he starts the ride). He was upset about it and I was disappointed in him because he failed to follow a simple procedure. This is not the first job he was fired from, yet he is capable of keeping a steady job, so I consider his short coming as his own failure to follow the rules he needs to in order to stay employed. My wife asked me to try to relate to him on the subject, but I told her I can't because ever since my first job at 14 I have never been fired, and I have worked steady at my present job for 22 years, and I said that IMO the reason he has failed at the job is because he has no real responsibility or accountability for loosing his job. We continue to feed, clothe and provide a roof over his head. I respectfully stated how I want to handle the situation, and as enabling parents do she disagreed, and said she would handle it. She asked me what I got for his birthday and I promptly gave her the big birthday card I purchased for him with a five dollars and five job applications inside. I told her the five dollars should cover bus fare to deliver the job applications in person.
Life is about trial and error. He is only 20, his brain is not fully developed yet. For a male, that age is 25. I was fired from about 3 jobs before I finally realized the importance of keeping a steady job. It was actually at age 25 then I landed where I'm at right now and everything is stable and a-ok. Don't worry..........SUPPORT HIM like good parents do for their kids and be patient. He WILL get it one day.
We hoped this would encourage them to find part-time jobs, but neither did until they were 18.
That's pretty permissive. My parents didn't "encourage" me to find a part time job. I was -required- to find a part time job. Not working, wasn't an option. I was proud to get my official legal working papers the day I turned 16 years and 30 days (that was the minimum age at the time). My parents instilled not "obligation" to work, but "interest" in working. To this day, I can't STAND working for a living. But I also can't stand being stuck at home. I -must- work..because it makes life interesting. My parents gave me the whole "contributing member of society" lecture, but truly what I actually learned from them, is that humans are social animals. And most humans work. So if I want to interact with other humans during waking hours, I need to have a job of some kind. It doesn't matter what kind of job, as long as it's productive, and involves interacting with other human beings.
Perhaps your kids weren't taught that. Or, perhaps they didn't learn that, even though you taught it. It sounds to me more like a lot of posters here feel that work should only be forced on kids as some sort of obligation. No wonder there are so many lazy kids. Kids want to be stimulated. They NEED to be stimulated. If you present work as an opportunity for them to be stimulated, instead of an obligation to fulfill, perhaps they'll look at working with a more open mind, and a more interested pair of eyes.
I have no "agenda" here. How could I? Not my kid. I am tough on my own kids but it's a tough LOVE. This poster only comes on to rag about his son. His tone is not love it is constant disappointment bordering on disgust. Not like he truly wants to help him grow up. Like he wants to wash his hands of him and would be happy to never see him again. There's a difference and at some point, failure is a self fulfilling prophesy. You grow up thinking you can do nothing right and sure enough...you don't. Just my feeling from his posts. I could be wrong.
I agree.
What type of father clandestinely applies for jobs in the sons name to see if he gets called . And when dad got called why didn't he tell the son? Sneaking around behind the son's back and applying for 3 jobs in his son's name sounds; well let me think - weird. So now the father is vicariously living it out with the son's life to revel in the "yes he's a loser" because he didn't get a job when he was 14 like I did mentality. Time to join earth dad.
It wouldn't hurt to be positive about the boy just once in a awhile.
Kids mature at different rates and it has been proven that most kids in their early 20's have no clue what they want to do. That's why we as parents help them.
You can do it dad; come on this forum and tell us some positive things about your son.
How ridiculous. The kid is lazy, doesn't want to earn his way. Simple as that. Lazy 20 year old boy. Gee, when has that never happened?
We don't know that the kid is lazy We do, however, know from his own admissions that Dad is a bit of a hard nosed bully. Now, I'm sure he feels he has to be this way to counteract Mom's tendancy to overprotect, but that does not excuse his unloving behavior.
WHATEVER this kids problem is, Dad and Mom EACH had a hand in getting him to this point. So instead of continuing to be frustrated with him, together they should figure out a plan of action for getting him on the right track.
Both parents have their own problems, - the father doesn't really know how to love his children in a constructive way. What's amazing is that the gesture of giving 5 job applications as a b/d present would have been a very good example of constructive parenting, that is, coming from a tough-love parent who keeps the big picture of making a good man out of his son. However, the constructive parent would have never used the words "disgust", "disappointment", and would never come across as lacking love for his son as love would have be the very reason for tough actions.
And the mother seems to be a person allowing the children to walk-over herself... Developing softness and dysfunction in her children for the purpose of keeping them by her side through the rest of her life.
The dysfunction is coming from both sides, which has been detrimental for the children, and no wonder the son is displaying absolute lack of direction.
In addition, the flaunting of "5 job applications" to his wife as a challenge to her, the OP is displaying just how passive-aggressive he is towards his wife. This family needs counselling on all sides.
THIS need to be reread by the OP.
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. And when dad got called why didn't he tell the son? Sneaking around behind the son's back and applying for 3 jobs in his son's name sounds; well let me think - weird. So now the father is vicariously living it out with the son's life to revel in the "yes he's a loser" because he didn't get a job when he was 14 like I did mentality. Time to join earth dad.
We do, however, know from his own admissions that Dad is a bit of a hard nosed bully. Now, I'm sure he feels he has to be this way to counteract Mom's tendancy to overprotect, but that does not excuse his unloving behavior.
