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Ok so I think I'm starting to understand, yet still I'm confused. First some of you say I'm a bully because my tactics are done out of frustration, and oh yes passive aggressive, and not love. I state that I have been dealing with this in one form or another for the past two years, and still some of you feel that I have ALWAYS treated my son this way. You make a seemingly educated guess about my own upbringing, yet when I shed light on the way my Dad raised me I get "you really didn't have to". When it was suggested that I spend some time one-on-one with my son, and I go through the activities we have done together STILL I get I really don't like him and of course providing a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach don't count for much here either. I have tried to address most of the negative points made, yet some of you get offended and feel as though I'm not listening to everything you have said. As for the brain being fully developed in your early 20's, yes that is true, but it doesn't raise the driving age from 17-27, drinking age from 21-27, or change the requirement about going into the military from 18-27, or joining most Law Enforcement organizations from the early 20's to 28 and up. My point is the VAST MAJORITY of people in their early 20's (Both my Wife and I included) had/have a lot of responsibility while their brain is still maturing. This is not an excuse to not expect "our" (because there was a problem with me saying my??) son do do better for himself. Again I NEVER asked for the high paying job, or Ivy-league college student I just want him moving in the direction of independence (i.e. the ability to support himself).
What the hell does your son enjoy? Is there something he is really good at and please don't say a put down or something sarcastic. I am in my 50's and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up even though I have a license in the beauty industry. Life is not black and white. It would be so much easier if it was but so boring at the same time. You are lucky your son took the time to do something so nice for your wife. My son simply said "Happy Mother's Day", and that was it. No card, nothing to say he loves me. This is the first. Today is my birthday....nothing so to me your son as a lot more going for him already.
First off Happy Birthday. I think I may have mentioned he is a decent cook. He can also draw and he is into comic books as most 20 year old boys are because their brains aren't fully developed until they are about 27.
Most welcome. Does your son like a person in your family or a colleague who can also introduce these ideas or plans to him? Being a dad is a thicket of emotions some times and our children well ...they just want to know their dad cares. the other life growth stuff can come from many people.
There is a friend of both my wife and I who is a Doctor who he talks to (informally). He also often talks to my siblings and my sister-in-law. He does also have a group of people who are not related by blood who he feels comfortable talking to.
Sounds healthy. So it would be appropriate to share with one or two that you are having some difficulty translating his desires into action/explore directions and see what they think about talking with him? Is that a good direction I mean I do not know you and your family on any deeper level. Informational interviewing can be very helpful.
Ok so I think I'm starting to understand, yet still I'm confused. First some of you say I'm a bully because my tactics are done out of frustration, and oh yes passive aggressive, and not love. I state that I have been dealing with this in one form or another for the past two years, and still some of you feel that I have ALWAYS treated my son this way. You make a seemingly educated guess about my own upbringing, yet when I shed light on the way my Dad raised me I get "you really didn't have to". When it was suggested that I spend some time one-on-one with my son, and I go through the activities we have done together STILL I get I really don't like him and of course providing a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach don't count for much here either. I have tried to address most of the negative points made, yet some of you get offended and feel as though I'm not listening to everything you have said. As for the brain being fully developed in your early 20's, yes that is true, but it doesn't raise the driving age from 17-27, drinking age from 21-27, or change the requirement about going into the military from 18-27, or joining most Law Enforcement organizations from the early 20's to 28 and up. My point is the VAST MAJORITY of people in their early 20's (Both my Wife and I included) had/have a lot of responsibility while their brain is still maturing. This is not an excuse to not expect "our" (because there was a problem with me saying my??) son do do better for himself. Again I NEVER asked for the high paying job, or Ivy-league college student I just want him moving in the direction of independence (i.e. the ability to support himself).
Believe it or not, I know and care about some men/fathers just like you - so I am actually very sympathetic to your frustration
I don't believe anyone here ever said taking care of your son's physical needs (food, clothing, roof over his head) "doesn't count for much". Those things actually DO count, very much, but only for about half of what a kid really needs. You gave the impression you thought that was ALL that was required of a good father. Once again, it most certainly is not. But please don't exaggerate that we have said what you have done "doesn't count".
And I agree with you that young adults who are still maturing and "growing their brains" can also take on lots of responsibility and make good decisions. But I can almost gaurantee you, those that are able to do that have been guided, directed and molded by their parents to be ready to take on those challenges during YEARS of preparation beforehand.
Basically, you cannot wait until a kid is 18 and graduating from high school to start teaching them the nuts and bolts of how to go out and survive in the world. That's like expecting a farmer to make a garden with no seeds or tools, or sending firemen to extinguish a roaring blaze with no water.
When you want a job done, you have to be sure to equip the laborer with the tools needed to accomplish the job!
This is where you seem to have fallen short with your son. It is not too late to remedy the situation however. And discussing personality testing and the potential for culinary school is a great start
Now, to continue making progress you need to check your ego at the door, or better yet, just leave it a the police department to deal with the criminals, and practice becoming more emotionally supportive of your son.
He already knows you are disappointed in him. He already knows you are angry and frustrated with him. He most likely firmly believes you don't even like him (which is truly sad). This is doing NOTHING for his self-esteem and is keeping him (and you!) from the desired result of him becoming more self-sufficient.
Like I've been saying all along, what you have been doing (bullying him, berating him, etc..) has not worked. How long are you willing to continue to do the same thing with him before you get that you need a new strategy?
The OP is still seeking answers. That is more than many parents. I suspect that he cares deeply for his son but it is VERY hard to separate a dad from the actions of a son (esp when the boy is creative) If pop did not care we would not be talkin' with him (apologies for 3rd person sir)
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