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My husband and daughter are making me nuts. My daughter is a straight A student. She’s in her junior year of high school – well, just graduated so she’ll be a senior this fall. She graduated a nursing class last winter while going to high school full time. When she starts back in high school full time in the fall she also starts vo-tech part time for her LPN. She does that for 9 months then goes the next 3 months full time. After that she’s taking her RN and will decide what field she wants to pursue. At this point she’s torn between pediatrics and geriatrics.
While she’s a phenomal kid, she’s engaged to a kid we’re not real happy about. He’s extremely immature and insecure and they argue incessantly. She’s finally to the point she won’t argue with him and will tell him when he grows up to call her back. She’s said that until she has her RN and a career path, and he is out of autobody school and has his own shop she doesn’t want to get married. It’s looking to be a very long engagement, thank God. Hopefully it will be enough time for him to grow up or her to dump him.
As she battles for her independence he battles to hold on tighter. And I’m stuck in the middle, losing my freaking mind. They are very close, don’t get me wrong, but I’m so worried that if he doesn’t loosen up it’s going to drive a wedge between them. She told me today that he’s making her crazy but she won’t move out because she knows he needs her. (He’s disabled – broke his back and neck 18 years ago and I work 2 hours away from home) I told her I would never stop her from living her life and if she felt she needed to move out I understood and would find someone to come help him. I don’t want her to feel trapped at home because of his condition. At the same time I don’t honestly want her to move out either. This year is going to be very stressful and hard on her, doing high school and vo-tech at the same time. I think she needs to be at home this year so we can help her. But if he doesn’t loosen up, I’m really afraid she’s going to leave. I don’t want her to jeopardize her future because he’s so clingy and strict.
I told them both we’re sitting down tomorrow and airing things out. I can’t keep living like this and she feels the same way. I think he needs to back off some. She needs to adhere to our rules more. She’s bad about going to his mom’s and saying she’ll be home at noon and not showing up until dinner time. It’s our house and our rules, so I think – regardless of her age – if she’s living here and we’re completely supporting her she needs to be home when we say. But other than that, I think most of the problems are him and he needs to really back off.
Does anyone think I’m wrong? And how I do I tell him to chill without making him feel like I’m taking sides? He takes everything so personally and gets hurt easy.
I would have a private conversation with him first about the situation. A discussion between two parents. If you tell him to chill in front of her, it will indeed look like you're taking sides and it will feel like the two of you are ganging up on him. Besides that, it will give him time to consider his position and back off some but on his own terms without it appearing he is bending to her wishes as a result of browbeating.
Father and Mother need to be united before they try to do anything with a child.
To me both extremes are not realistic. Kids need some independance at 18 but also they need some parental guidance & support. This means that you don't kick an 18yo boy out tell him to go get a job and it also means that there are times you say to your 18yo (boy or girl) sorry but you are not going to that party...
She needs to adhere to our rules more. She’s bad about going to his mom’s and saying she’ll be home at noon and not showing up until dinner time. It’s our house and our rules, so I think – regardless of her age – if she’s living here and we’re completely supporting her she needs to be home when we say.
Your expectations are a unrealistic for an 18 year old who is a super successful student by all standards.
You are being too restrictive to expect her to be home by Noon on a weekends. THAT alone will drive her out of the house.
I agree that she needs to live by your rules while she lives there, but your rules need to be appropriate for her age. Otherwise, you'll lose her.
Your expectations are a unrealistic for an 18 year old who is a super successful student by all standards.
You are being too restrictive to expect her to be home by Noon on a weekends. THAT alone will drive her out of the house.
I agree that she needs to live by your rules while she lives there, but your rules need to be appropriate for her age. Otherwise, you'll lose her.
It seems to me that she didn't want her home by noon, she just wanted her home when she said she would be home.
OP I feel for you on this one. My DH and DD are in a similar battle and I have found myself coming to her defense sometimes, which is not a good idea to do in front of her. I knew better but did it a few times without thinking it through and now she thinks she can whine to me about every horrible thing dad does.
I'm working hard on setting that straight now. Talk to your DH about this in private and try to outline specifically what your expectations for her are and what his are, and your reasoning and fears about why things are not going well the way they are, then try to find that happy medium between what you want and what he wants and how it'll work with DD.
Your expectations are a unrealistic for an 18 year old who is a super successful student by all standards.
You are being too restrictive to expect her to be home by Noon on a weekends. THAT alone will drive her out of the house.
I agree that she needs to live by your rules while she lives there, but your rules need to be appropriate for her age. Otherwise, you'll lose her.
I highly agree.
Only time she NEEDS to be home when you say is at night time like no later than 2am, and if she doesn't want to come home but instead crash with a friend, then that's ok as well.
thats gotta be tough for him... I sympathize immensely.. I can only imagine what my dad went through..!
and.. WHY is she ENGAGED at 18?!?!?! She has so much life to live without her douchey immature bf...
oh, I totally agree. I've told her how I feel about the situation and her BF, but it's not my decision to make. She's 18 and I can't mandate her engagement or who it's too. I'm just glad she's looking at a 4+ year engagement and hoping that in that time he either grows up or she boots him out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar
It seems to me that she didn't want her home by noon, she just wanted her home when she said she would be home.
OP I feel for you on this one. My DH and DD are in a similar battle and I have found myself coming to her defense sometimes, which is not a good idea to do in front of her. I knew better but did it a few times without thinking it through and now she thinks she can whine to me about every horrible thing dad does.
I'm working hard on setting that straight now. Talk to your DH about this in private and try to outline specifically what your expectations for her are and what his are, and your reasoning and fears about why things are not going well the way they are, then try to find that happy medium between what you want and what he wants and how it'll work with DD.
That was exactly what I meant. It's not that we expect her home by noon every weekend. It was more a point of if I tell you to be home at x:00 I expect you home then, not when you decide to wander through the door.
I've talked to him and told him he needs to ease up. He was raised in a very strict Irish Catholic home, only attended Catholic schools, K-college. He expects her to live like he was raised in the 60s by very strict parents.
I have come to her defense in front of her. You're absolutely right, I can't do that. It does leave her coming to me to complain that he's not being fair and he's being too strict.
So, another talk with hubby tonight I suppose. Has anyone been stuck in a situation where neither will concede to the other though? I mean, what if he continues to demand she bow to his unrealistic rules? Then what do I do?
I mean, what if he continues to demand she bow to his unrealistic rules? Then what do I do?
If she decides to move out, give her a hug and support her decision.
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Huh?
