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Old 06-03-2010, 07:40 AM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,792,699 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
Wait you are telling me I am too young to date as well?
As far as your maturity goes, yes. Was that difficult to understand?
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 3,227,111 times
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Hi everyone,

There have been some really interesting points raised. Thank you.

Until this invitation arrived I was certanily in the camp that would say at 14 she should really be going on group dates.

When I sat down to think about why 14 should be group dates and some other age Ok for one on one dates, I could not find an answer. As Txtqueen noted I am a very controlling parent and proud of it. I am not concerned that they may do anything 'wrong'.

To me a part of life is finding a partner and dating is part of that.

OK so onto the next point that was raised
Quote:
Originally Posted by anadyr21 View Post
......
Why do you want the boy to ask for YOUR permission? If you daughter has already asked you, and you ok'd it, then it seems to me he already has your permission.......
There are several reasons for this.
Firstly I am the parent and she is the child and the buck stops with me.
Next, I think that the more connected a person is with a community, the more likely they are to live by the rules of the community. So the more I am able to connect with the boy the more he is likely to behave responsibly.
Next, from personal experience. When I was around 20 I had a girlfriend who's parents had that same rule. If she wanted to go out with her girl friends or with a group then she would ask the parents permission but if she wanted to go on a 1 on 1 date then the boy had to call and ask her parents permission. For a while I was that boy. Sure she was a bit embarrassed but we kind of all knew that was the rule and so I just did it. Yes at 20 years of age. But I sure felt special. I think that was what her parents wanted me to think. That a date was more than a couple of friends hanging out. It lifted the relationship up a level. It is a value adding thing. I think it ensured that appropriate standards of behaviour were met. I had to go inside and meet the parents each time and likewise bring her back in at the end of the date by whatever time had been agreed. (She did not have a blanket curfew but each time I had to say when I would have her home)

As she gets older it will be good to have the expected bahaviour well understood. Yes I hold old fashioned views like the boy asks. The boy drives. The boy pays. The boy brings her home. Will it always happen - Maybe, maybe not. I am sure that there will be times when we drive.

And now a contentious bit. At 14, I am responsible for her. In the model I have described above, while they are on the date, the boy is responsible for her. These days we are very focussed on individualism. The idea of one person being responsible for another is an anathama. Likewise one person submitting to another is considered weak yet it is a sign of trust and it takes strength and confidence and respect to do that. Just as a child she has learned to be submitted to her parents. As a wife she will, I hope, be willing to submit to her husband.

Now before I get drowned in a tide of abusive responses, I would just like to say that this is what I believe. Let me give you another example of what I believe. If you look for other posts from me, you will see this is consistent. I say that IF (note IF) a woman Chooses (note chooses not forced) to have children then I believe she should stay home most of the time and look after them. I am not saying that women should not work. I am saying that if they choose to have kids then they should look after them. You will also see other posts where I have said that companies should be much more fexible and accomodating of working mothers.

Now right now, as a child, she does not have a choice, she obeys her parents. Period. One day she will I hope CHOOSE to get married and CHOOSE to submit to her husband. She may not. But for now that is what we are shooting for.

Comments are welcome. I am sure I will not agree with all of them. But have really appreciated the range of comments so far. I think it has been a very enlightening thread. Thanks to all who contributed.
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Old 06-03-2010, 08:09 AM
 
2,605 posts, read 4,683,690 times
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http://www.youtube.com/v/jjO9kX4npVY...</param><param

Aidxen, You really should listen to this before the big date.
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Old 06-03-2010, 09:11 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
1,287 posts, read 3,811,949 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
http://www.youtube.com/v/jjO9kX4npVY...</param><param

Aidxen, You really should listen to this before the big date.
THAT is hilarious!
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:08 AM
 
14,780 posts, read 43,582,793 times
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I don't see an issue with dating at 14. As other's have said it really comes down to the maturity level of the people involved. Some kids are ready, some aren't and that should be the parents call. Arbitrary age limits are just that, arbitrary.

I think you are going about it the right way and while some may think it's old fashioned I like that you expect the boy to call to ask your daughter out. I am probably viewed as one of the more liberal parents around here, but I do think that some traditions are very valid and should be upheld. I also fully agree with speaking to the boy's parents about the date and getting to know them. I would even go so far as to suggest you all get together for a family dinner one night before the date or hosting the boy and his parents for hors d'oeurves before they go out for dinner. Just a way to break the ice and get to know his parents. If the relationship develops further you should be partners in this, not strangers.

The one area I disagree slightly on is the paying part. I fully understand your position on that matter (particularly the greater implications of submission that you described) and as a married and practicing Catholic I can share the appreciation for what you believe in even if I don't necessarily take it as literally as you do. With that said my in-laws always had a rule that until my wife and her sister were older and that the relationship had progressed to a more serious point, they insisted on the girls paying their own way. They felt (and my wife would agree) that this reinforced the point that the girls were not reliant on boys to provide for them. They didn't NEED a boy to buy them presents or take them on dates. I think it had the desired effect as both of their daughters are very independent and strong women and I was attracted to my wife's independence and strength as much as anything else. It also made me feel special that she chose to be with me and become my partner, not that she NEEDED me to support her. A complex lesson, but one that can begin to be taught at an early age on a simple innocent date. It will also help to eliminate the notion that some boys have that simply paying for things entitles them to other things.
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:20 AM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
2,161 posts, read 3,320,486 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
I would even go so far as to suggest you all get together for a family dinner one night before the date or hosting the boy and his parents for hors d'oeurves before they go out for dinner. Just a way to break the ice and get to know his parents. .
This seems like overkill when the couple have been boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 weeks. It seems more appropriate for an engaged couple!

And the girl is just 14.
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,489 posts, read 10,922,714 times
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I'm glad you're going to let her go out. My parents had a blanket "no dating until you are 16" policy. All it served to do was make me feel left out in junior high/early high school, and miss out on that learning stage when people had week long romances and their parents drove them to school dances and dates. I also resented my parents a lot for what I felt was an arbitrary rule.

Sounds like you have a good plan laid out I hope she has a good time!
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:36 AM
 
14,780 posts, read 43,582,793 times
Reputation: 14621
Quote:
Originally Posted by twins4lynn View Post
This seems like overkill when the couple have been boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 weeks. It seems more appropriate for an engaged couple!

And the girl is just 14.
Perhaps the dinner is, but I don't think some appetizers are overkill. I like to meet the parents of my kids friends to at least get to know them a bit, especially if I am entrusting my kids to them. Even though they have only been dating for a couple weeks I think the one-on-one dinner date represents a step towards something a little more serious.

I truly don't know exactly what I would do, but I would at least expect the boy and the parent chaperoning to come to my front door and have a chat with me before they left. So, why not invite them to sit down and have a cup of coffee or something for a few minutes first.
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Old 06-03-2010, 01:09 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,857,289 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twins4lynn View Post
This seems like overkill when the couple have been boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 weeks. It seems more appropriate for an engaged couple!

And the girl is just 14.
I disagree. When kids are dating and the other parents are going to be supervising the youngsters at home and driving them around it is always good to get to know the other parents.
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Old 06-03-2010, 02:25 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
2,161 posts, read 3,320,486 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I disagree. When kids are dating and the other parents are going to be supervising the youngsters at home and driving them around it is always good to get to know the other parents.
Who said anything about supervising the youngsters at home? That topic has not come up in this discussion.

Sure it's good to meet your children's friends parents, but a two-week relationship, with one of the kids being 14 (which is middle school age in my area), and someone suggesting inviting the other parents to dinner prior to the dinner date, and also inviting them over prior to the date? Overkill IMO. They probably won't even be dating by the time the dinner date rolls around.
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