Hi everyone,
There have been some really interesting points raised. Thank you.
Until this invitation arrived I was certanily in the camp that would say at 14 she should really be going on group dates.
When I sat down to think about why 14 should be group dates and some other age Ok for one on one dates, I could not find an answer. As Txtqueen noted I am a very controlling parent and proud of it. I am not concerned that they may do anything 'wrong'.
To me a part of life is finding a partner and dating is part of that.
OK so onto the next point that was raised
Quote:
Originally Posted by anadyr21
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Why do you want the boy to ask for YOUR permission? If you daughter has already asked you, and you ok'd it, then it seems to me he already has your permission.......
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There are several reasons for this.
Firstly I am the parent and she is the child and the buck stops with me.
Next, I think that the more connected a person is with a community, the more likely they are to live by the rules of the community. So the more I am able to connect with the boy the more he is likely to behave responsibly.
Next, from personal experience. When I was around 20 I had a girlfriend who's parents had that same rule. If she wanted to go out with her girl friends or with a group then she would ask the parents permission but if she wanted to go on a 1 on 1 date then the boy had to call and ask her parents permission. For a while I was that boy. Sure she was a bit embarrassed but we kind of all knew that was the rule and so I just did it. Yes at 20 years of age. But I sure felt special. I think that was what her parents wanted me to think. That a date was more than a couple of friends hanging out. It lifted the relationship up a level. It is a value adding thing. I think it ensured that appropriate standards of behaviour were met. I had to go inside and meet the parents each time and likewise bring her back in at the end of the date by whatever time had been agreed. (She did not have a blanket curfew but each time I had to say when I would have her home)
As she gets older it will be good to have the expected bahaviour well understood. Yes I hold old fashioned views like the boy asks. The boy drives. The boy pays. The boy brings her home. Will it always happen - Maybe, maybe not. I am sure that there will be times when we drive.
And now a contentious bit. At 14, I am responsible for her. In the model I have described above, while they are on the date, the boy is responsible for her. These days we are very focussed on individualism. The idea of one person being responsible for another is an anathama. Likewise one person submitting to another is considered weak yet it is a sign of trust and it takes strength and confidence and respect to do that. Just as a child she has learned to be submitted to her parents. As a wife she will, I hope, be willing to submit to her husband.
Now before I get drowned in a tide of abusive responses, I would just like to say that this is what I believe. Let me give you another example of what I believe. If you look for other posts from me, you will see this is consistent. I say that IF (note IF) a woman Chooses (note chooses not forced) to have children then I believe she should stay home most of the time and look after them. I am not saying that women should not work. I am saying that if they choose to have kids then they should look after them. You will also see other posts where I have said that companies should be much more fexible and accomodating of working mothers.
Now right now, as a child, she does not have a choice, she obeys her parents. Period. One day she will I hope CHOOSE to get married and CHOOSE to submit to her husband. She may not. But for now that is what we are shooting for.
Comments are welcome. I am sure I will not agree with all of them. But have really appreciated the range of comments so far. I think it has been a very enlightening thread. Thanks to all who contributed.