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Forgive me for this long message but I am looking for wisdom from new parents (prefere dads view) who are over 40.
I am 40 years old, and until now, I always thought I would enjoy life just the wife and I, no kids, have extra money and time, travel, and just come and go as I please. Over the years I occasionally thought of children but was never real serious and my wife liked being a career woman.
Well since my younger brother had a child and a good close friend had 3 children the idea started to grow on me more and more over the years.
After turning 40 I started to reflect more on my life, how the years went by, what the future holds, and whether I should become a mid life dad.
What really set things in motion was my wife who is just now 39 brought up the fact that she had these thoughts as well. And the timing is perfect because I am in a more stable career, I am getting ready to graduate with a bachelors degree, her job may be coming to an end making her available as a stay at home mom with some part time work at home options, and our home is perfect for a family so we don’t have to make changes there. We both feel really positive now about the whole thing. We don’t want to regret not having children in the future.
But here is what scares the hec out of me and where I need wisdom.
It is scary thinking about being a mid life older dad when so many my age have teenage kids, should that bother me?
Birth defect risks are higher for parents over 35, it scares me to think I would have a child with a serious birth defect like downes syndrome, are these risks over exaggerated?
And the big one is the loss of wifes income, we became very spoiled over the years and after I sat down and looked at the budget with just my income I about fell over. Even after making serious changes to the budget money was still tight. How did you parents, especially over 40 adjust to the lower income and tight budget that affects things like savings and retirement?
I can give you a perspective from what I see of my brother, who at 46, became a father of a 2 year old they adopted from China (after years and years of trying to adopt).
I'll admit I always wondered what in the world were they thinking - I would never want to go through all that at his age (I'm 42 with a 16 year old). I thought they were crazy and had no clue what they were getting into. They also had two very nice incomes, traveled a lot, etc.
Amelia has been the most wonderful thing - to watch them with her has been beautiful. I love seeing my brother be a dad - and he is so happy. He told me recently that the lose of Chris's income (she decided to quit working) hasn't been as big a deal as they thought - they were paying so much in taxes because of the dual income.
I obviously can't give you a perspective of what it's like to be older with a teen. It's a challenge at any age!
Oh - and both my sisters had "oops" babies after 40 - this after already having kids who were already in their teens. The kids seem to be a joy to them - can't say what it will be like later on, but they have loved having another round.
Forgive me for this long message but I am looking for wisdom from new parents (prefere dads view) who are over 40.
I am 40 years old, and until now, I always thought I would enjoy life just the wife and I, no kids, have extra money and time, travel, and just come and go as I please. Over the years I occasionally thought of children but was never real serious and my wife liked being a career woman.
Well since my younger brother had a child and a good close friend had 3 children the idea started to grow on me more and more over the years.
After turning 40 I started to reflect more on my life, how the years went by, what the future holds, and whether I should become a mid life dad.
What really set things in motion was my wife who is just now 39 brought up the fact that she had these thoughts as well. And the timing is perfect because I am in a more stable career, I am getting ready to graduate with a bachelors degree, her job may be coming to an end making her available as a stay at home mom with some part time work at home options, and our home is perfect for a family so we don’t have to make changes there. We both feel really positive now about the whole thing. We don’t want to regret not having children in the future.
But here is what scares the hec out of me and where I need wisdom.
It is scary thinking about being a mid life older dad when so many my age have teenage kids, should that bother me?
Birth defect risks are higher for parents over 35, it scares me to think I would have a child with a serious birth defect like downes syndrome, are these risks over exaggerated?
And the big one is the loss of wifes income, we became very spoiled over the years and after I sat down and looked at the budget with just my income I about fell over. Even after making serious changes to the budget money was still tight. How did you parents, especially over 40 adjust to the lower income and tight budget that affects things like savings and retirement?
A lot of people start families in their 30's so not very many parent's have teenagers at 40. At 40 I'll have two elementary school kids.
Regarding having kids or not they way I think about is like that "When I am 80 would I'd rather have a bunch of pictures of places I visited or pictures of my kids and grand-kids". Some people want the travel pictures I wanted the children.
BTW when you have children you stop going out to expensive restaurants because they do not let you enjoy them so that saves money. You wife not working will save a lot on clothes, dry-cleaning, gas, etc...
I am 42 with a 17 yr old and 13 yr old. You couldn't chase me down to voluntarily give me a baby. Not no but hell no. I am about to get my problem child over 18.. and the younger one is just getting practice at it. But that really isn't what you asked.. you wanted to know about NEW parents. Good luck to ya.
well if you are 40 you will only be 60 when the kid is 20 so that isn't too bad. money is always tight, one or two incomes. make sure your wife does all amnio and has a good doctor. if you are starting to want children now I would say you should have them. there is nothing worse than wanting a child and not being able to have them, or regret you didn't do it when you could. sometimes older parents have a hard time conceiving, if you find you don't get pregnant in short order see a doctor.
I am 42 with a 17 yr old and 13 yr old. You couldn't chase me down to voluntarily give me a baby. Not no but hell no. I am about to get my problem child over 18.. and the younger one is just getting practice at it. But that really isn't what you asked.. you wanted to know about NEW parents. Good luck to ya.
That is because you already have 17yrs as a parent. I have 5 yrs as a parent and I do not want a baby. But If I didn't have any I would want a baby. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the diaper tunnel.
I am 42 with a 17 yr old and 13 yr old. You couldn't chase me down to voluntarily give me a baby. Not no but hell no. I am about to get my problem child over 18.. and the younger one is just getting practice at it. But that really isn't what you asked.. you wanted to know about NEW parents. Good luck to ya.
Well that makes sense, I guess, everyone wants the cute baby and toddler, but dont give much thought about the problemed teenagers they may become.
I am guessing If you had to do it again you wouldnt?
Some will tell you horror stories, others will tell you dream stories. It's all in your makeup.
I do agree with hothulamaui though. If you are seriously thinking, now would be time to act on it. The older you get the harder it will be and there comes a time when it really isn't so fair to bring a child into the world with much older parents. As those kids age, so do the parents. Imagine your child at 12-16; the most difficult time developmentally, and you are 60. It would be a challenge in it's most basic sense.
Other than the fact that the older you are when you have children, by the time YOUR children have children of their own, they would be without grandparents. Kids need grandparents too.
I was older when my youngest was born. I wish I had her 15 years earlier but I wouldn't trade her for the world.
How is your health? What's your lifestyle? How is your weight? How is your nutrition? Do you exercise?
I ask these questions because the answers are very important.
My mother was 37 and my father was 41 when they had my little sister. Their health was normal for people their age who didn't do anything special health-wise. They ate balanced meals, but weren't health nuts. They didn't exercise, but weren't overweight. They smoked and they drank alcohol. My sister always thought they looked old compared to her friends' parents. She would tell them she did badly in school because they had her when they were so old. When she was 19, my mother died of cancer at age 56. When she was 21, my father died of diabetes complications due to alcohol at the age of 61. IMO, that's way too young to be completely parentless.
My best friend had her first and only child when she was near 40. She had lupus. Her son was 7 years old when she died.
My neighbors had all of their children over 40 even though they were overweight and had an unhealthy lifestyle. They died before their children were 18.
My little sister (the one from above) had her third child when she was over 40. Her and her husband are health nuts. They eat organic food. No processed food. They exercise. They do not drink or smoke. They're very healthy. Their bodies are probably a decade younger than their actual age.
The same goes for my brother in law and his wife. They had three children over 40. They are super health nuts. They always jogged 5 miles a day and didn't stop after becoming parents. They eat super healthy like my sister. They do not drink or smoke. Their bodies are definitely younger than their years. They are both in the medical field so they keep up with their routine exams. The brother in law was diagnosed with colon cancer---early stage since they take care of their health and see the doctor regularly. He was treated successfuly and has remained cancer free.
I believe both of the healthy family examples are parents likely to live long healthy lives. Maybe they will even live to see grandchildren. They are viable, lively people who don't appear to be old to their children. They do have more wisdom with age. They are calmer parents than most. They are financially secure and enjoy owning vacation homes and skiing around the world. In a financial regard, there is a definite benefit to having children mid-life.
I simply believe that it's super important to evaluate your health and lifestyle before purposely deciding to start a family at a later age. You don't want to be selfish. You don't want to leave a child parentless at a super early age. If you're healthy, live a super healthy lifestyle, and see the doctor regularly, I say go for it.
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