09-07-2008, 10:45 PM
1 posts, read
2,580 times
Reputation: 10
I dont know if anyone can offer any advise..... regarding my bad situation at home....Married and have a 14 year old little girl., and she loves her daddy, but he is always, always picking to spend time with his "loser" buddies..... and booze and bars.... If you knew who these friends were, you would know why I use the term "Loser". Men who chose to blow off their families and go to the bar every night for 12 hours., to me, that screams "LOSER" Or when they just disappear and dont tell you where they are going, and you have to play Detective and track them down.. Its just a bunch of high school games, but these men are in the 40's and some in their 50's, and I think it very pathetic and very sad way to live your life. I am tired of crying every night and hiding in the bathroom so my child wont see,, she still thinks he is "Mr. Wonderful" in her eyes, and I hate to burst her innocent bubble. I am afraid she will end up hating me for making her see what has been right in front of her for years. How long are we supposed to protect them from the truth?
09-08-2008, 12:44 AM
Location: northeast headed southwest
531 posts, read
879,924 times
Reputation: 246
Children are more perceptive than you think. I bet she already knows something is wrong. May as well just pop that "innocent bubble". It will have to go sooner or later. You don't want to give her the impression she should put aside her own needs for anyone, do you? Children pick up things from their parents. They are like sponges. You can't hide something like your extreme unhappiness. Try to get to family counselling if you can
Good luck.
09-08-2008, 01:59 AM
Location: Hell with the lid off, baby!
2,193 posts, read
5,590,743 times
Reputation: 380
Politely approach your husband first about how it affects you, before you resort to counseling. He may be unhappy as well about something and doesn't know how to approach you about it. Just my two cents.
09-09-2008, 06:43 PM
785 posts, read
1,498,590 times
Reputation: 1794
You're not alone
Your story is sadly more common than you may think. You're describing a husband with an alcohol problem, a serious condition. But you don't seem to have your focus there, but on immaturity, his "loser" buddies, "high school" antics, etc. If in fact, your husband has an alcohol abuse/dependence problem, he needs help. For you, attending some Al-anon meetings can give you some insight regarding how to handle this issue. In short, the most direct, compassionate, non-aggressive/angry approach to your concerns with hubby is best. If after your husband hears you out, and refuses to change his behavior to save his marriage, that's a strong signal to you to make some changes because you will have no control over your husband. Your child is watching everything that goes on, she's not in the dark believe me, and as the mother, you have an obligation to protect your daughter from the abuses and emotional neglect that comes with the situation you're describing. I'm wondering if you're not also minimizing some of the behaviors at home. I find it hard to believe that your husband spends 12 hours in a bar and there's no fall out at home, like verbal aggression, verbal/physical fighting, police interventions, lost work from hangovers, etc etc etc. Many children who live in homes you describe, end up resenting their "healthy" parent because they tolerate such behavior and don't or didn't protect their children's best interests. There's good help out there, get some.
09-09-2008, 09:52 PM
Location: Midwest transplant
2,050 posts, read
5,676,465 times
Reputation: 1620
Get to Al-Anon or counseling and encourage the daughter to open up to a professional as well. At 14, you are doing a disservice to her by "pretending". She needs a strong role model for a Mom, not a submissive, passive, emotionally fragile individual. Start with a school guidance counselor if necessary, they can be wonderful links to the type of services your community offers.
09-10-2008, 06:58 AM
Location: Lancaster County, PA
1,742 posts, read
4,170,469 times
Reputation: 834
Great advice, teachbeach and judd. Been down that nasty road myself growing up and resented my mother for not protecting us from our abusive, alcoholic father. Parents need to protect their children, no matter who it's from. Try appoaching your husband and express your concerns. If he doesn't want to hear it then do whatever you need for yourself and your child. Best of luck.
09-10-2008, 08:23 PM
Location: Cape May NJ
77 posts, read
327,165 times
Reputation: 44
For something this serious I'd be talking to real, live professional counselors face to face, not an Internet message board. Look in the yellow pages.
09-11-2008, 01:24 PM
Location: york County PA
96 posts, read
330,077 times
Reputation: 29
I think your daughter knows more then you think she does. I would sit down and ask her about her feelings. just start small. You do not have to say anything bad at all about her Dad. first start with her and her feelings on home life and as she gains respect for you as a concerned parent and knows she can talk to you and you keep things between you and her she will open up to you. Remember that this is something you need to address. She is at at critical age. you do not want to condone this behavior. Show her how to be a strong person. And deal with the problem head on. you do not have to be disrespectful of Dad just make it known that you are upset about the behavior not because you decided to all the sudden not like him. He will always be the dad and she will need to hang on to that in her mind. However you do not did to be disrespected and treated this way. you have a life go live it. i left a drunk/ drug addict with the clothes on my back and two kids in toe. It was a very hard thing to do. But it was the best thing i ever did. He is still in a drunken stupor . I worked hard and did what i had to do at the time to pay the bills. Now i have two grown daughters that Adore me and i think I did a good job raising them. More important they know i have there back and they know when the times get tough the tough get going. If you want to talk more to me about this e mail me. i am here to help you. Been there and done that. I know you are asking for help and I will help you in by listening and supporting you in your decision.
sharris@aqre.com
09-11-2008, 01:55 PM
Location: San Diego
47,273 posts, read
42,379,631 times
Reputation: 31463
Quote:
Originally Posted by
dugdogmaster
to He may be unhappy
BINGO
A friend of mine finally got divorced and both couldn't be happier. For the last couple years the wife put on massive amounts of weight and then the sex scene went South.
For most men that is a sorry state to be in. You want to still be attracted to your wife but if they don't want it to stay healthy then the guy will do things to take his mind off it. My friend did the same thing, turned to booze. He wouldn't cheat on her so he ended up in bars just looking at other woman. Now that they are divorced he met someone he fell in love with again and doesn't drink. His ex has remarried and she is happy too.
It is possible to fall out of love. Sad but true.
opposite of the above, it is not always the guys fault. Sometimes it is noones fault.
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Most Common Occupations - Construction and extraction occupations (%)
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People in Group quarters - On base (%)
People in Group quarters - Barracks, unaccompanied personnel housing (UPH), (Enlisted/Officer), ;and similar group living quarters for military personnel (%)
People in Group quarters - Transient quarters for temporary residents (%)
People in Group quarters - Military ships (%)
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People in Group quarters - Job Corps and vocational training facilities (%)
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Residents speaking English at home (%)
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Residents speaking Spanish at home - Born in the United States (%)
Residents speaking Spanish at home - Native, born elsewhere (%)
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Class of Workers - Employee of private company (%)
Class of Workers - Self-employed in own incorporated business (%)
Class of Workers - Private not-for-profit wage and salary workers (%)
Class of Workers - Local government workers (%)
Class of Workers - State government workers (%)
Class of Workers - Federal government workers (%)
Class of Workers - Self-employed workers in own not incorporated business and Unpaid family workers (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Utility gas (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Bottled, tank, or LP gas (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Electricity (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Fuel oil, kerosene, etc. (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Coal or coke (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Wood (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Solar energy (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Other fuel (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - No fuel used (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Utility gas (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Bottled, tank, or LP gas (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Electricity (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Fuel oil, kerosene, etc. (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Coal or coke (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Wood (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Solar energy (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Other fuel (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - No fuel used (%)
Armed forces status - In Armed Forces (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian - Veteran (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian - Nonveteran (%)
Fatal accidents locations in years 2005-2019
Fatal accidents locations in 2005
Fatal accidents locations in 2006
Fatal accidents locations in 2007
Fatal accidents locations in 2008
Fatal accidents locations in 2009
Fatal accidents locations in 2010
Fatal accidents locations in 2011
Fatal accidents locations in 2012
Fatal accidents locations in 2013
Fatal accidents locations in 2014
Fatal accidents locations in 2015
Fatal accidents locations in 2016
Fatal accidents locations in 2017
Fatal accidents locations in 2018
Fatal accidents locations in 2019
Alcohol use - People drinking some alcohol every month (%)
Alcohol use - People not drinking at all (%)
Alcohol use - Average days/month drinking alcohol
Alcohol use - Average drinks/week
Alcohol use - Average days/year people drink much
Audiometry - Average condition of hearing (%)
Audiometry - People that can hear a whisper from across a quiet room (%)
Audiometry - People that can hear normal voice from across a quiet room (%)
Audiometry - Ears ringing, roaring, buzzing (%)
Audiometry - Had a job exposure to loud noise (%)
Audiometry - Had off-work exposure to loud noise (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Has high blood pressure (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Checking blood pressure at home (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Frequently checking blood cholesterol (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Has high cholesterol level (%)
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on food at supermarket/grocery store
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on food at other stores
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on eating out
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on carryout/delivered foods
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on food at supermarket/grocery store (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on food at other stores (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on eating out (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on carryout/delivered foods (%)
Current Health Status - General health condition (%)
Current Health Status - Blood donors (%)
Current Health Status - Has blood ever tested for HIV virus (%)
Current Health Status - Left-handed people (%)
Dermatology - People using sunscreen (%)
Diabetes - Diabetics (%)
Diabetes - Had a blood test for high blood sugar (%)
Diabetes - People taking insulin (%)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Diet health (%)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Milk product consumption (# of products/month)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Meals not home prepared (#/week)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Meals from fast food or pizza place (#/week)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Ready-to-eat foods (#/month)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Frozen meals/pizza (#/month)
Drug Use - People that ever used marijuana or hashish (%)
Drug Use - Ever used hard drugs (%)
Drug Use - Ever used any form of cocaine (%)
Drug Use - Ever used heroin (%)
Drug Use - Ever used methamphetamine (%)
Health Insurance - People covered by health insurance (%)
Kidney Conditions-Urology - Avg. # of times urinating at night
Medical Conditions - People with asthma (%)
Medical Conditions - People with anemia (%)
Medical Conditions - People with psoriasis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with overweight (%)
Medical Conditions - Elderly people having difficulties in thinking or remembering (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever received blood transfusion (%)
Medical Conditions - People having trouble seeing even with glass/contacts (%)
Medical Conditions - People with arthritis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with gout (%)
Medical Conditions - People with congestive heart failure (%)
Medical Conditions - People with coronary heart disease (%)
Medical Conditions - People with angina pectoris (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had heart attack (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had stroke (%)
Medical Conditions - People with emphysema (%)
Medical Conditions - People with thyroid problem (%)
Medical Conditions - People with chronic bronchitis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with any liver condition (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had cancer or malignancy (%)
Mental Health - People who have little interest in doing things (%)
Mental Health - People feeling down, depressed, or hopeless (%)
Mental Health - People who have trouble sleeping or sleeping too much (%)
Mental Health - People feeling tired or having little energy (%)
Mental Health - People with poor appetite or overeating (%)
Mental Health - People feeling bad about themself (%)
Mental Health - People who have trouble concentrating on things (%)
Mental Health - People moving or speaking slowly or too fast (%)
Mental Health - People having thoughts they would be better off dead (%)
Oral Health - Average years since last visit a dentist
Oral Health - People embarrassed because of mouth (%)
Oral Health - People with gum disease (%)
Oral Health - General health of teeth and gums (%)
Oral Health - Average days a week using dental floss/device
Oral Health - Average days a week using mouthwash for dental problem
Oral Health - Average number of teeth
Pesticide Use - Households using pesticides to control insects (%)
Pesticide Use - Households using pesticides to kill weeds (%)
Physical Activity - People doing vigorous-intensity work activities (%)
Physical Activity - People doing moderate-intensity work activities (%)
Physical Activity - People walking or bicycling (%)
Physical Activity - People doing vigorous-intensity recreational activities (%)
Physical Activity - People doing moderate-intensity recreational activities (%)
Physical Activity - Average hours a day doing sedentary activities
Physical Activity - Average hours a day watching TV or videos
Physical Activity - Average hours a day using computer
Physical Functioning - People having limitations keeping them from working (%)
Physical Functioning - People limited in amount of work they can do (%)
Physical Functioning - People that need special equipment to walk (%)
Physical Functioning - People experiencing confusion/memory problems (%)
Physical Functioning - People requiring special healthcare equipment (%)
Prescription Medications - Average number of prescription medicines taking
Preventive Aspirin Use - Adults 40+ taking low-dose aspirin (%)
Reproductive Health - Vaginal deliveries (%)
Reproductive Health - Cesarean deliveries (%)
Reproductive Health - Deliveries resulted in a live birth (%)
Reproductive Health - Pregnancies resulted in a delivery (%)
Reproductive Health - Women breastfeeding newborns (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that had a hysterectomy (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that had both ovaries removed (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever taken birth control pills (%)
Reproductive Health - Women taking birth control pills (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever used Depo-Provera or injectables (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever used female hormones (%)
Sexual Behavior - People 18+ that ever had sex (vaginal, anal, or oral) (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had vaginal sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever performed oral sex on a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had anal sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had any sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had vaginal sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever performed oral sex on a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had anal sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had any kind of sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first had sex
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female vaginal sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first performed oral sex on a woman (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of woman performed oral sex on in lifetime (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male anal sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first performed oral sex on a man (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male oral sex partners in lifetime (18+)
Sexual Behavior - People using protection when performing oral sex (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of times people have vaginal or anal sex a year
Sexual Behavior - People having sex without condom (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male vaginal sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Circumcised males 18+ (%)
Sleep Disorders - Average hours sleeping at night
Sleep Disorders - People that has trouble sleeping (%)
Smoking-Cigarette Use - People smoking cigarettes (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ having problems with smell (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ having problems with taste (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had wisdom teeth removed (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had tonsils teeth removed (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had a loss of consciousness because of a head injury (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had a broken nose or other serious injury to face or skull (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had two or more sinus infections (%)
Weight - Average height (inches)
Weight - Average weight (pounds)
Weight - Average BMI
Weight - People that are obese (%)
Weight - People that ever were obese (%)
Weight - People trying to lose weight (%)
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I dont know if anyone can offer any advise..... regarding my bad situation at home....Married and have a 14 year old little girl., and she loves her daddy, but he is always, always picking to spend time with his "loser" buddies..... and booze and bars.... If you knew who these friends were, you would know why I use the term "Loser". Men who chose to blow off their families and go to the bar every night for 12 hours., to me, that screams "LOSER" Or when they just disappear and dont tell you where they are going, and you have to play Detective and track them down.. Its just a bunch of high school games, but these men are in the 40's and some in their 50's, and I think it very pathetic and very sad way to live your life. I am tired of crying every night and hiding in the bathroom so my child wont see,, she still thinks he is "Mr. Wonderful" in her eyes, and I hate to burst her innocent bubble. I am afraid she will end up hating me for making her see what has been right in front of her for years. How long are we supposed to protect them from the truth?
