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Old 09-07-2008, 09:45 PM
 
1 posts, read 2,473 times
Reputation: 10

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I dont know if anyone can offer any advise..... regarding my bad situation at home....Married and have a 14 year old little girl., and she loves her daddy, but he is always, always picking to spend time with his "loser" buddies..... and booze and bars.... If you knew who these friends were, you would know why I use the term "Loser". Men who chose to blow off their families and go to the bar every night for 12 hours., to me, that screams "LOSER" Or when they just disappear and dont tell you where they are going, and you have to play Detective and track them down.. Its just a bunch of high school games, but these men are in the 40's and some in their 50's, and I think it very pathetic and very sad way to live your life. I am tired of crying every night and hiding in the bathroom so my child wont see,, she still thinks he is "Mr. Wonderful" in her eyes, and I hate to burst her innocent bubble. I am afraid she will end up hating me for making her see what has been right in front of her for years. How long are we supposed to protect them from the truth?
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Old 09-07-2008, 11:44 PM
 
Location: northeast headed southwest
531 posts, read 860,280 times
Reputation: 246
Children are more perceptive than you think. I bet she already knows something is wrong. May as well just pop that "innocent bubble". It will have to go sooner or later. You don't want to give her the impression she should put aside her own needs for anyone, do you? Children pick up things from their parents. They are like sponges. You can't hide something like your extreme unhappiness. Try to get to family counselling if you can
Good luck.
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Old 09-08-2008, 12:59 AM
 
Location: Hell with the lid off, baby!
2,193 posts, read 5,461,005 times
Reputation: 380
Politely approach your husband first about how it affects you, before you resort to counseling. He may be unhappy as well about something and doesn't know how to approach you about it. Just my two cents.
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:43 PM
 
764 posts, read 1,407,646 times
Reputation: 1683
Default You're not alone

Your story is sadly more common than you may think. You're describing a husband with an alcohol problem, a serious condition. But you don't seem to have your focus there, but on immaturity, his "loser" buddies, "high school" antics, etc. If in fact, your husband has an alcohol abuse/dependence problem, he needs help. For you, attending some Al-anon meetings can give you some insight regarding how to handle this issue. In short, the most direct, compassionate, non-aggressive/angry approach to your concerns with hubby is best. If after your husband hears you out, and refuses to change his behavior to save his marriage, that's a strong signal to you to make some changes because you will have no control over your husband. Your child is watching everything that goes on, she's not in the dark believe me, and as the mother, you have an obligation to protect your daughter from the abuses and emotional neglect that comes with the situation you're describing. I'm wondering if you're not also minimizing some of the behaviors at home. I find it hard to believe that your husband spends 12 hours in a bar and there's no fall out at home, like verbal aggression, verbal/physical fighting, police interventions, lost work from hangovers, etc etc etc. Many children who live in homes you describe, end up resenting their "healthy" parent because they tolerate such behavior and don't or didn't protect their children's best interests. There's good help out there, get some.
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Old 09-09-2008, 08:52 PM
 
Location: Midwest transplant
2,050 posts, read 5,469,347 times
Reputation: 1619
Get to Al-Anon or counseling and encourage the daughter to open up to a professional as well. At 14, you are doing a disservice to her by "pretending". She needs a strong role model for a Mom, not a submissive, passive, emotionally fragile individual. Start with a school guidance counselor if necessary, they can be wonderful links to the type of services your community offers.
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:58 AM
 
Location: Lancaster County, PA
1,740 posts, read 4,063,547 times
Reputation: 830
Great advice, teachbeach and judd. Been down that nasty road myself growing up and resented my mother for not protecting us from our abusive, alcoholic father. Parents need to protect their children, no matter who it's from. Try appoaching your husband and express your concerns. If he doesn't want to hear it then do whatever you need for yourself and your child. Best of luck.
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Old 09-10-2008, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Cape May NJ
77 posts, read 320,959 times
Reputation: 44
For something this serious I'd be talking to real, live professional counselors face to face, not an Internet message board. Look in the yellow pages.
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Old 09-11-2008, 12:24 PM
 
Location: york County PA
96 posts, read 322,910 times
Reputation: 29
I think your daughter knows more then you think she does. I would sit down and ask her about her feelings. just start small. You do not have to say anything bad at all about her Dad. first start with her and her feelings on home life and as she gains respect for you as a concerned parent and knows she can talk to you and you keep things between you and her she will open up to you. Remember that this is something you need to address. She is at at critical age. you do not want to condone this behavior. Show her how to be a strong person. And deal with the problem head on. you do not have to be disrespectful of Dad just make it known that you are upset about the behavior not because you decided to all the sudden not like him. He will always be the dad and she will need to hang on to that in her mind. However you do not did to be disrespected and treated this way. you have a life go live it. i left a drunk/ drug addict with the clothes on my back and two kids in toe. It was a very hard thing to do. But it was the best thing i ever did. He is still in a drunken stupor . I worked hard and did what i had to do at the time to pay the bills. Now i have two grown daughters that Adore me and i think I did a good job raising them. More important they know i have there back and they know when the times get tough the tough get going. If you want to talk more to me about this e mail me. i am here to help you. Been there and done that. I know you are asking for help and I will help you in by listening and supporting you in your decision. sharris@aqre.com
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Old 09-11-2008, 12:55 PM
 
Location: San Diego
42,161 posts, read 38,110,534 times
Reputation: 26466
Quote:
Originally Posted by dugdogmaster View Post
to He may be unhappy

BINGO

A friend of mine finally got divorced and both couldn't be happier. For the last couple years the wife put on massive amounts of weight and then the sex scene went South. For most men that is a sorry state to be in. You want to still be attracted to your wife but if they don't want it to stay healthy then the guy will do things to take his mind off it. My friend did the same thing, turned to booze. He wouldn't cheat on her so he ended up in bars just looking at other woman. Now that they are divorced he met someone he fell in love with again and doesn't drink. His ex has remarried and she is happy too.

It is possible to fall out of love. Sad but true.

opposite of the above, it is not always the guys fault. Sometimes it is noones fault.
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