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You don't hear much about this, so I wonder how prevalent it is. My now 16-year-old pet has never been in great health due to having been the sickly, somewhat deformed runt of the litter I adopted against my own better judgement but, of course, came to love and do love greatly. It's been basically a lifelong struggle to regulate his health (with chronic megacolon), although we had a pretty good run in his middle-age, during which time he was also very content and happy with his pet companion. Ever since the other's passing, this one has been not only anxious and seemingly unhappy -- the only time he's at peace is when laying directly on me -- but his health has also declined. We've had all the tests, attempted treatments, etc., and nothing definitive has been found (we did find mild hyperthyroidism, for which he's receiving medication), yet the quality of life for both of us has tanked. He can't be left home alone without suffering separation anxiety (I used to leave the two of them together for up to two days with sufficient food/water/litter), so I've basically stopped going anywhere or doing anything except quick runs to the store. It seems we're constantly dealing with either diarrhea or constipation; whereas he was stable on the same medication for years, now it's all over the map -- and the house. He vomits daily, or even twice daily, and so I'm always cleaning that up (or stepping in it in the middle of the night). He likes food, then doesn't like food, and I'm at the point of hand-feeding him to get him to eat enough, which I do all throughout every day. He still remains underweight.
I'm coming up on retirement, and there's no way I could possibly leave him with a sitter or travel with him. Honestly, it's exhausting and depressing; if he were enjoying life, it would be worth it, but he seems not to.
I've known only one other owner to ever complain about her high-maintenance pet (physical and behavioral problems); after its death, she was wracked with guilt for feeling overwhelmed and thus feeling resentment and now seems to be suffering from complicated grief. Callous pet owners get rid of pets when they become too much trouble, and obviously that isn't us; their lives matter. But caregiver fatigue is a real problem. too.
Can anyone else relate, or are my friend and I just weird and horrible pet parents (I feel guilty even for posting this)?
Don't feel guilty posting this at all. Caregiver burnout--whether for pets or other people--is a real thing and it doesn't make you a bad person for admitting it. If you were a horrible companion to your dog, you would have not taken him on to begin with and would not have taken such good care of him over the years for him to make it to age 16. No, you are not weird either. A lot of people have these thoughts when doing care constantly and it is normal and healthy to talk about it. Your friend who lost her dog also should not feel bad for her thoughts.
I'm sorry that you are going through so much difficulty with your dog now. It sounds like you love him very much and are trying very hard with him.
I have had special needs pets previously and while I loved them and would do anything for them, it is exhausting sometimes when you have a lot going on. The first one I had was a cat with a deformed spine that required a lot of special care and particularly towards the end (she was 18), she needed constant care and didn't seem happy. I felt terrible and guilty for my burnout and worse when I had her put to sleep because she just didn't have any quality of life left. I later realized that it was the kindest thing to do and that what I felt (the burnout) was normal.
My most recent one was a pair of finches with defective feet that I had to make an adaptive cage, feeders, and perches for. I had to keep rigid bandages on their feet so they didn't get infected and so they could walk; they had to be changed daily and the finches would get angry and bite me when I caught them or get in a corner and peep piteously. They always acted happier after they got the fresh bandage though, lol.
I volunteered in animal shelters and the people who fostered special needs animals sometimes got burned out so we tried to rotate them because it is a lot of work.
Don't feel bad about this at all. It's totally normal and expected.
My supervispr at work spent the last few years arranging her ife around her senior dog ans what she could or could not do. It was clear over the last year that she wouldn't be with us mjch longer and my supervisor said consistently that she planned on taking two or three years after her dog passed to get another so that she could travel since she had put so many things off to stay and be with her dog. The dog finally passed very early this year. She actually ended up gettign a couple of puppies ~ June because we've been working from home since MArch and she realized there is unlikey to be another oppotunity to train up a couple of puppies (and she wasn't travelling far based in COVID anyway) so her plans changed for that reason - but all that to say, no, you are not at all unusual, kooky or otherwise looking at your situation in a weird way. I also have always made sure whever I had to leave my home for more than the unusual going to work that the resident animals would be OK andif they werren't....well, thankfully I haven't had to figure it out but it would invold changes in my traveal or whatever else was needed to make sure they'd be OK.
You should not feel guilty at all. Clearly, you love your pet and yes, pet caregiver burn-out is very real! No one knows your pet better than you do, and if you feel that quality of life is no more, then you know it would not be unkind to take action on that.
I can totally relate about PCGB. I have 4 cats, one has hyperesthesia, liver issues and hyperthyroidism. One has urinary tract disease, asthma and behavioral problems. Another has OCD (chews her fur out) and hyperthyroidism. The latest is a semi-feral trying to adjust to indoor life. Some days it is really hard, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
A year ago in June, I lost one of my dogs at the age of 14. She'd gotten sick, and then gotten better, and then got much worse, and we had her put to sleep.
THIS past June, we had to put our other dog to sleep. He was 16. I was very thankful to be working from home the last few months of his life. Just thankful I could be there for him. Much like OP's situation, I was always trying to feed him, and trying different things. Baby food, boiled chicken and rice...even fish sticks sometimes. But he got skinnier and skinnier, and we all knew the end was near...but how do you make that call? And then, one day, he whimpered, like he was in pain. And that was it.
A little 20 pound dog went down to 11 pounds...and honestly...I think he was relieved to not be suffering anymore. When dogs are old, and they stop eating...they're ready to die. I kind of feel like maybe we waited too long...and if I ever see Jake on the other side, I will apologize for not letting him go sooner.
Well, first of all, it's a cat -- not a dog -- and they can and do live to 20 and even beyond.
I agree 16 would be ancient for a dog, especially a larger dog. Second, he has good days and bad days, and recently he's having good days, so we're not there yet. Again, having been sickly all his life, it's not that dramatic a change, so it's not a clear or easy call to make in this case. I hope and trust I'll know when it's time. I honestly thought we were there a few weeks ago, but going on medication for hyperthyroidism (thankfully with no side effects) has improved his situation somewhat. I, too, have had pets where I later felt I waited too long, and other pets where I later felt I acted prematurely. Seems we never get it right and always have regrets, or at least I do. But with a high-maintenance, chronically impaired, physically defective runt of the litter who never quite catches up, it does seem that it's always something; it's a question of when is enough enough or when does the bad outweigh the good and it can't (reasonably) be made better.
At the moment, he's buried under the covers with me with his head resting on my leg just purring away, having just eaten a big meal (for him). Today's a good day.
Thanks to those who can relate!
Last edited by otterhere; 09-25-2020 at 09:27 AM..
Yeah, I get it. I have similar (PM if you want, don't want to type it all out).
But as other people have said... caregiving (for anyone, human or animal) is a tough thing, and it's absolutely normal to feel burnt out, exasperated, hopeless, etc., even if you love the person/pet you're caring for.
I had a special need senior dog that I adopted with his issues. We had 2 years together and yeah there were times I wondered what I was thinking to adopt him. He needed to be taken out to pee frequently and I was often up 3-4 times a night with him. He also peed in his bed at times or wore belly bands to help wit that so there was a lot of laundry and cleaning up after him. That said I did love him and enjoyed seeing him happy. He made me smile every day. He really loved life and I was gad to give him a loving home until his last day. Luckily his quality of life didn't really tank he had a massive seizure related to the brain tumor that had cause of of his weirdness and was put to sleep shortly after.
For me the complicated thing was the relief when he was gone combined with the pain. It can be very conflicting. Now I have a younger dog that is healthy and has no problems and it seems so od to me to have it be so easy. I sometimes consider adopting another senior or special needs dog but right now no.
Your feelings are normal. And you really do need to consider the quality of life of both of you. It might be time to think about saying goodbye. If you decided to let your friend go you would not be wrong. ending a life is a serious ting but it should not be fearful. I have had many animals over the years and have been present for the passing of quite a few. Both Death is a natural part of things, We should not fear it for ourselves or for the ones we love. When a life is well lived and it is time, death comes easily and a peaceful one can be the last good gift you can give.
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