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Honestly, the mere fact that it doesn't appear the two of you have even known each other for very long, and got married, and wanted to have a 4th child doesn't seem like any lessons have been learned.
And how mature are you that you did the above, and are considering leaving her already?
Well I don't think it's always wrong for the mother to give custody to the father. In many cases the father is the better parent and the mother's life is too unstable. In fact it can require more love and unselfishness for a mother to realize that the child is better off with the father. I don't see a problem with fathers having custody and the mothers having visitation.
I guess this is the point that I've been unable to articulate. If a woman knows that being in and outa court and fighting w/ the father for more time etc isn't best for the child then how is is considered selfish if she choses to spare the child of this drama and household infighting? To me as u put it it's actually unselfish for someone to do this. However I guess merely posing this question leads others to believe that this is fact in ones life?
I agree. But in this specific situation (contained in the closed thread) the OP indicated all the other dads were losers (pot calling the kettle black - in my opinion). So there HAS to be more consideration than $.
Further, the OP has already indicated he and his new wife want to have a baby of their own. Please explain how this benefits the baby. Give the loser father primary custody and than the OP and his wife can have another baby?
NO genius I simply stated that compared to myself they are losers, and all I ever did was pose the question if all is equal then why can't or shouldn't a mother let the father raise the baby to avoid all the fighting and court battles, but to people like u it's giving up a child if the mom does it. As far as a pot calling the kettle black most married people in split homes who marry indeed do want to have children together, your opinion as way wrong and far out in left field as it can be concludes that we want to give a child up so we can have our lives, and that never was the assertion.
But I guess there's something to be said reading and retention.
I guess this is the point that I've been unable to articulate. If a woman knows that being in and outa court and fighting w/ the father for more time etc isn't best for the child then how is is considered selfish if she choses to spare the child of this drama and household infighting? To me as u put it it's actually unselfish for someone to do this. However I guess merely posing this question leads others to believe that this is fact in ones life?
Are you really that ignorant? You specified the child is a baby. The only way the baby would be exposed to the drama is if you and your wife allow it. You also indicated that the father was a loser. Giving up this baby to the looser father would be extreme selfishness as you are putting your desires and wants above the baby. I don't know why I even respond to you. I think all of this is made up as nobody could be this stupid. I would suggest that after you make a decision, you should go back and do the opposite of what you initially decided.
Actually - this has everything to do with both threads. You come on here saying that you have been married for 5 months to a woman who has 3 children with 3 different fathers and that you can't decide if you should stick it out or leave her - meanwhile - you are trying to have another baby with her. You also suggest her basically giving back one of her kids to a father that didn't seem to want to kid in the first place because it would more convenient for you.Then you get slammed and she gets slammed and the you start a whole other thread about it. Basically - the two of you need to grow up. There is nothing responsible about having 3 children with 3 different fathers - especially if 2 of the fathers were strangers. I can understand making a mistake once - but NOT THREE TIMES!!! Can you seriously not understand this? And there is nothing responsible about you for marrying someone with this situation and not being prepared to handle the circumstances. Honestly - how did you not take any of this into consideration when you married her? HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW HER BEFORE YOU MARRIED HER? It is completely relevant.
U see this is my point u make another assertion that the fathers were strangers, well I never said that, in fact they were not. I can't help if your unable to read and understand the questions I had instead getting wrapped up in your own bias, cause in many peoples minds a woman that can care for her children w/ no means of support and not going in for social services is one heck of a responsible and mature woman if I must say so myself.
But your allowed your opinions and they are no longer wanted cause your hung up, I see and have heard your points so no need for u to furhter beat them into submission
NO genius I simply stated that compared to myself they are losers, and all I ever did was pose the question if all is equal then why can't or shouldn't a mother let the father raise the baby to avoid all the fighting and court battles, but to people like u it's giving up a child if the mom does it. As far as a pot calling the kettle black most married people in split homes who marry indeed do want to have children together, your opinion as way wrong and far out in left field as it can be concludes that we want to give a child up so we can have our lives, and that never was the assertion.
But I guess there's something to be said reading and retention.
So if compared to you the fathers are losers what mom would give up a child to a loser when her new husband is head and shoulders above the bio-Dad??I would fight tooth and nail to prove to the courts what a great guy I'm married to now and how he is willing and able to step up and be the father my child never had!!!Or maybe that's not the case...maybe my string of hooking up with losers is just continuing...and now I'm willing to dump one of my kids to hold onto this loser??
OP, forget what you want. Forget what your wife wants.
What is in the best interest of the child? Of in this case, all of these children? If letting the youngest baby go back to her bio-dad is in his/her best interest — NOT YOURS — then by all means, that's what should be done.
As for your previous reply to me before: Yes, divorce no longer has a seriously negative stigma attached to it. But it's no badge of honor, either. Before I got married to my ex-H, we agreed that we would not even consider having a child for at least five years. During this time, we practiced two forms of birth control to make sure that I did not get pregnant. Yup, I'm divorced. But at least — and thank god for this — there were no children involved. This is what "responsibility" looks like in practice.
As for your situation ... I really suggest that perhaps you and your wife go to family counseling and discuss this with a professional qualified to help you wade through these issues. And I too am wondering how long you knew your wife before you married her, because it does make a big difference. You need to make sure that the limerence phase of your relationship is over before you make any big decisions.
U see this is my point u make another assertion that the fathers were strangers, well I never said that, in fact they were not. I can't help if your unable to read and understand the questions I had instead getting wrapped up in your own bias, cause in many peoples minds a woman that can care for her children w/ no means of support and not going in for social services is one heck of a responsible and mature woman if I must say so myself.
But your allowed your opinions and they are no longer wanted cause your hung up, I see and have heard your points so no need for u to furhter beat them into submission
I'm sorry - 2 of them were people she was not in a relationship with - not all three. My bad.
The situation that you are describing is not one that responsible people get themselves into. She was irresponsible for having 3 different children with 3 different fathers - especially if she was not in a relationship with 2 of them. You were irresponsible for getting married before you were ready and before you understood the situation you were marrying into. She was irresponsible for marrying you before knowing that you would be able to handle the situation.
Chaneryan, I don't know what "answers" you are/were really looking for, but you asked a question/an opinion and are getting answers/opinions. Whenever you post a question, you have to be open to possible criticism, because obviously not everyone would share the same viewpoint, which is why one would ask questions in the first place.
When you give people information to gauge their opinion, they're giving their opinion based on what was told. I think you're taking this as a personal attack on your wife when people are not attacking the wife, but the actions themselves. Whether it's your wife or my cousin or even if it were myself, it's still unfavorable to have multiple kids from multiple fathers from break-ups or divorces. Of course, we're not excusing the fathers' actions because the same opinion would fall on them. Particularly when kids are involved, it doesn't reflect well on spouses/partners when families are broken up (especially more than once), because of the effects it has on their personal development.
As far as maturity, age doesn't matter: the mentality and the actions do. Someone brought up a good point about you not understanding the situation you're in. A mature person that marries someone who already has kids realizes that the kids will still be a priority, especially when the spouse you marry is the custodial parent. It seems like you expected a marriage with limited, if any drama, which is unrealistic when kids are involved. Even marriages without kids can have some drama. Drama is magnetized by the increase of other factors (in this case, kids). These kids came into your wife's life before you did. They will still come first so long as they're minorities/too young to care for themselves. Even as adults they'll still be important. If you can't understand that, you are not mature, especially if you were considering calling it quits after less than 6 months of marriage.
Also, I disagree with your comment regarding women wanting children of their own outside of marriage. Yes, that would still be considered selfish on any parent's behalf (female/male) because even if it's their "right" to have a child on their own, the child has a "right" to know his other parent and deserves a chance at having a stable home environment.
Well then I guess the world of fertility and adoption and sperm donors disagree w/ you, again that's your moral view point that a child can only effectively be raised properly w/ both parents around or involved.
When I spoke before about not knowing what I was in for does anyone really truly? I seriously doubt it. While I knew there were 3 children w/ diff fathers I saw past that and got to know the person, but in so many here's views once she got into that position she should just live in a box and care for her kids w/ no hopes of a life for her self, right. That's not the way I was raised or tought.
Sure some things maybe I should've expected but when asked and I was told otherwise what can you do, people want to know how long we knew one another before getting married as if that plays any real role into any of this, sure maybe I'd learned a thing or two I didn't know before hand but none of those are marriage killers. We all know people that dated someone for years and got married only to have the marriage go to hell in a hand basket shortly thereafter, we all also know of people that dated for a short period of time and the got married and it lasted for 50yrs.
Point is when things change in a relationship or marriage were allowed to reasses things especially when they involve kids, or one partner giving up their life dreams.
Trust me I've done my research and regardless of if it was one child or 10 being raised in a broken home to a single parent the child is anywhere from 60%-80% likely to grow up and repeat the mistakes of the parents, no matter if the other parent is involved or not.
Did u know and I just learned this the other day and was shocked to learn this that 1 in 5 women have kids w/ multiple fathers, sounds like to me this is a spreading trend.
So since your so against how my wife lived her life what are your suggestions for someone like her? Go live in a box, never date or marry again? Just go to work punch the clock then come home feed the kids and repeat? That's not only a bias way of looking at things it's borderline ignorant.
Honestly, the mere fact that it doesn't appear the two of you have even known each other for very long, and got married, and wanted to have a 4th child doesn't seem like any lessons have been learned.
And how mature are you that you did the above, and are considering leaving her already?
Not leaving her so much my friend at what point I was asking do I sacrifice my own life career and wellbeing for issues that I either didn't know about or never saw coming, nor should I have. It's ok to want a life you know, and it's also ok if that marriage is no longer viable or healthy to either step away for a short break or to end it all together, w/ over 60% marriages ending in divorce I'd say I got the majority view point on that one.
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