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Add to that the fact that the vast majority of folks caring for a loved one are not qualified to do so.
At one point my gf and I (my gf really pushed for this and it is one of the reasons that made me realise she was the one) offered to take care of my father, who has dementia as a side effect of his medical condition. His neurologist flat out told us he'd inform the authorities and that we needed to have him placed in a home with 24 hour care. He wasn't trying to threaten us rather he was making the point that we'd be in WAY over our heads. My step mother basically told us the same thing, that we didn't know what we were in for and that it would probably strain our relationship to the breaking point.
I can't say I'm glad we did what we did (who can) but I know it was the right decision. Of course, it helps that between myself, my step mother, my gf and my mother and step father (everyone gets along thank God) someone is at the nursing home just about every day. They know we are involved and that gets my father better care.
Of course you did the "right thing."
You have to consider what happens when Alzheimer's removes the person you knew and loved and replaces that with someone who is a complete stranger and very often, not a very likable person.
Your ability to recall fond memories of your father as he was before that ravaging disease, have remained relatively intact due to you not facing a complete stranger 24/7 for what might be year of living hell.
I will put money on the table in a bet that for anyone out there who has a choice and chooses to be the sole caregiver for an Alzheimer's victim: you will regret that to your dying day! Your fond memories are replaced with those of the most recent exposure to this human who is abusive and unresponsive to the point that at some point, your love and compassion WILL be replaced with a desire for this individual to just die in a hurry and get it over with.
You chose wisely grasshopper, your physician was right on the money. You can now luxuriate in those great memories of your father rather than his last moments being remembered as your wishing he'd move on and end the torture with all the guilt those feelings would bring to the rest of your life.
in this nation. To me this is a result of the consumerist, selfish mindset that has permeated this nation. Please spare me the PC all races do this crapola. Ive seen the numbers and more whites throw their parents in nursing homes than do hispanics, blacks, and Asians. What a dirtbag mentality. The people who have given you life and brought you into this world, raised you and you cant be bothered with them? I am white, but I'll call out my own race when I have to and call a spade a spade. When it comes to how to respect your elders and treat your parents I really admire as we all should the Asians and Indians.
Congratulations you win worst thread starter of the YEAR!!
I hope you have a 90 year old parent live with you with alzheimers. I am sure your medical and care taking expertise would do wonders for your sick parent. I am also sure you will love wiping their a - holes full of **** three - four times a day!
I don't, in a million years, want to burden my child with looking after me 24/7 during some decade long decline, when she has a life and should be living it.
It will be my wish that she stick me wherever she sees fit, but hopefully I'll stick myself there first.
Good god I would NOT wish that upon my child.
From the lifetime experience of watching relatives both distant and immediate fall victim to Alzheimer's disease, I'm solidly in your corner on this.
You have absolutely no way of knowing in what direction that terrible disease will take you. You could be the most docile and compliant of individuals OR you could end up being the absolute worst case scenario of physical belligerence, given to outbursts of profanity and just awful stuff.
If you are a person of any pride in your behaviour to date, this crap shoot of how you will respond under the effects of Alzheimer's should be all the encouragement you need to warehouse yourself rather than subject anyone you care for to that awful spectacle.
I have made it quite clear with my "living power of attorney" that, should I ever require assisted living care that this be done as expeditiously as possible lest any immediate relative consider that burden theirs to shoulder.
Congratulations you win worst thread starter of the YEAR!!
I hope you have a 90 year old parent live with you with alzheimers. I am sure your medical and care taking expertise would do wonders for your sick parent. I am also sure you will love wiping their a - holes full of **** three - four times a day!
Some very good arguments from all sides on this issue.
Perhaps I can give you insight from my recent experience.
I am the only son of my mother. The rest of my family are step-father and step siblings of 35 years. They all live in N. New Jersey. I live in Arizona. My mother retired from Chase bank 29 years ago at the age of 60. She lived a wonderful retired life for all those years, traveling all over the world entering international contests for her hand made dolls. The family house is festooned with blue ribbons and best in show awards.
Mid 2012, I get a phone call from my step-sister saying that "Daddy needs help. Mom has CHF and very serious dementia and he doesn't know how to handle it." It appears that "Daddy" was hiding mom's condition from the rest of the family as long as he could. For what reason, I just don't know.
I immediately flew back to NJ and we had our family meeting/planning session. It seems Daddy was taking mom to the emergency room every 10 days or so and they would admit her to the hospital, run a bunch of tests, give her an epidural for her back pain and send her home with a 25,000 hospital bill paid for by medicare and her Chase pension. From the research I had done on the situation, I suggested that we have her condition certified as "not responding to treatment" by her PCP so she would be eligible for hospice care. We connected with the Alzheimer's Association and the Visiting Nurses Association of Morris county. Funny thing, Medicare does not pay for long term nursing home care. They pay for the medical but not for the room and board or the trained personnel necessary for 24/7 care. If your family has any money, you pay until your money and assets are wiped out and then Medicaid picks up the tab. We as a family decided that we would be the primary care givers for mom and she would spend her final time at home with us. We used the medical aides from the Visiting Nurses Association who made regular visits to the home to administer her health and monitor our care giving abilities.
At first, all was well and we were so proud of ourselves as we all pulled together to care for my mom's needs. As time wore on she became more obstinate, refused to eat, take her meds nor clean herself. She developed very large bed sores that needed cleaning 4 times a day. We changed her diapers 16-20 times a day. She became a living demon on earth. Shreaking and screaming at all hours of the night and day. Towards the end we needed trained medical professionals at the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We paid for everything. It ran about 8 thousand a month but was still cheaper than a special home for her.
In early March, I went back to Arizona to take care of my business for a bit. One evening about 12:30 AM(3:30 AM NJ time) I get a call from my step dad. He say's, "Your mom want's to talk to you" Big news for me as my mom hadn't carried on a lucid conversation for the better part of a year. I get on the phone and I swear it was a miracle. My mother was as lucid as she was 10 years ago. We carried on a 30 minute conversation where she told me how bad she felt physically, how she longed to return to the reservation and how much she loved me. I was stunned. It was a totally different person talking to me than the person I'd left back in New Jersey. It was as if she was completely cured of any Alzheimer's or Dementia. I promised to return as soon as I could and we ended the conversation. I considered the conversation an actual miracle.
My mother died in her sleep 5 days later on March 21st. She just didn't take the next breath while she was sleeping. I was still in Arizona.
All in all, I have mixed feelings about which is better, home hospice care or assisted living care in a nursing home that specializes in patients with Alzheimer's. At the early stages, when there is still a thread of a connection it was a very uplifting experience to care for my mother and tend to her needs. But after a time that connection was lost and it was like caring for a stranger. It was evident that even with us going to classes and being basically trained in the art of care giving we were in way over our heads. Somewhere along the way I had come to the conclusion that my mother's immortal soul had already left her body and only the ego/Id remained and was too stubborn to give up the body. That is exactly what it seemed like. But........then how do I account for that lucid phone call?
In the end, If I had to do it again, I'd do both. Keep mom at home as long as possible but when I saw that we as a family were not qualified to give her the very best quality of life during her end of days, I would have admitted her to a facility that had trained professionals who knew what they were doing to care for her and I would have visited every opportunity. Hoping for that one lucid moment with my mom that would make every thing alright. If only for a few minutes.
Congratulations you win worst thread starter of the YEAR!!
I hope you have a 90 year old parent live with you with alzheimers. I am sure your medical and care taking expertise would do wonders for your sick parent. I am also sure you will love wiping their a - holes full of **** three - four times a day!
We would have given anything to have kept the diaper drill down to 3 or 4 times a day. More like 14-16 times a day.
Sorry to have killed this thread with my post. It seemed the appropriate place to get out what was inside me and was appropriate to the subject matter. Lot's of pertinent stuff in these 15 pages and it's an issue that won't just go away.
Stan4, your location states you are in Texas. Is Texas the state you worked in the nursing homes? Did you work in a LTC facility or a SNF or Assisted Living facility? Do you know patients who are vent dependant go? Don't forget IV antibiotics, TPN. Do you think the patients insurance will let them stay in a hospital for 3-4K per day on a vent?
So before you call people ignorant get your facts straight. Lest you are ignorant yourself.
We are talking about NURSING HOMES.
Your run-of-the-mill, regular nursing home.
Not LTACs, SNFs, etc.
Don't try to weasel out of what we're really talking about.
Old people don't need nurses to make them live a little longer but miserably.
They need to be around with family members, even though they may not be medical professionals.
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