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ok let me just say my late husband was Portuguese, we lived in Lisbon when we were first married and I've spent a few summers in Paris.
Never in 57 years have I ever had a server in Lisbon, Paris, NYC (where I was born and raised)or in Philly where I now live, say the above statement.
lol, saying to a stranger in Philly "let me do something nice for you, because you look tired", could get you more than you bargained for.
So could calling a stranger "son" or "sweetie" no? Also I did not mean that entire sentence to be taken literal. More along the lines that this could be the simple reason behind such observation.
But I of accept your position on it.
By itself, this is a fair point I think. I don't however see how this compares to "you look tired" again of course mainly because I really don't see the connection to a negative judgement towards one appearance. If one gets asked if they are pregnant and they are not you kind of called them fat or overweight. There is a difference to me.
Miss America or Mr. Universe can look tired, but no one would argue that it was meant that they are ugly or not attractive.
My point is both comments "could" have been made with no ill intent but it's just not acceptable in polite society. Not to come across as "Miss Manners" but many today act like they were raised by wolves. Uncouth is an understatement. The pregnant comment for example was made as a "nice" gesture. For someone who is not pregnant it's a bit mortifying. Not sure a man can relate.
I agree with others; I don't see how saying someone "looks tired" is ever just innocent or casual. Certainly no compliment in there. The silent reaction from most people would be "Just HOW BAD do I look today that a stranger just said that?"
Recipients of this aren't being over sensitive. Sometimes people are snarky and passive aggressive and this is a way they do it.
So could calling a stranger "son" or "sweetie" no? Also I did not mean that entire sentence to be taken literal. More along the lines that this could be the simple reason behind such observation.
But I of accept your position on it.
Very true and we are missing "tone and body language" from the story.
Sweetie/ hon I find to be more of a regional thing. It is very prevalent in the south. When I'm visiting relatives in Charleston or New Orleans i know ill hear a "hon". One difference is that its a term used ubiquitously. Sort of like a southern equivalent to "ma'am " and its said to everyone generally. Some times a waitress will ask "what can I get you hon" without even looking up.
My point is both comments "could" have been made with no ill intent but it's just not acceptable in polite society. Not to come across as "Miss Manners" but many today act like they were raised by wolves. Uncouth is an understatement. The pregnant comment for example was made as a "nice" gesture. For someone who is not pregnant it's a bit mortifying. Not sure a man can relate.
I agree with others; I don't see how saying someone "looks tired" is ever just innocent or casual. Certainly no compliment in there. The silent reaction from most people would be "Just HOW BAD do I look today that a stranger just said that?"
Recipients of this aren't being over sensitive. Sometimes people are snarky and passive aggressive and this is a way they do it.
IDK, a society that always assumes the worst and regards "You look tired" as an insult might be a bit too polite or more precise too shallow. Again, should I be offended(or even dare regard it as an insult) the next time the nice lady at the coffeeshop calls me Sweetie? After all she does not know me and I'm not little child. Seems patronizing.......
IDK, a society that always assumes the worst and regards "You look tired" as an insult might be a bit too polite or more precise too shallow. Again, should I be offended(or even dare regard it as an insult) the next time the nice lady at the coffeeshop calls me Sweetie? After all she does not know me and I'm not little child. Seems patronizing.......
But that is totally different. Let's compare apples to apples. "Sweetie" has nothing to do with your appearance. When was the last time a stranger commented to you, "You look tired?"
Very true and we are missing "tone and body language" from the story.
Sweetie/ hon I find to be more of a regional thing. It is very prevalent in the south. When I'm visiting relatives in Charleston or New Orleans i know ill hear a "hon". One difference is that its a term used ubiquitously. Sort of like a southern equivalent to "ma'am " and its said to everyone generally. Some times a waitress will ask "what can I get you hon" without even looking up.
"Hon" is another one, you are correct.
I think there is a fine line because if were honest here and strict about be careful of how we address strangers then there can't really be exceptions made on how we chose to interpret and when we chose to consider context or perhaps even give the benefit of the doubt.
Come to think of it, perhaps my argument should be more along the lines of that if we assume it was a male waiter to a female patron, how this incident happened. Then this male waiter might just only displayed a maternal/parental attitude towards the woman, in a similar fashion as I feel such things as "Hon", "Sweetie" or "darling" often are used by female staff towards the male patrons.
Not saying I'm discounting or ignoring your point of regional matters but from my experience I do believe it also often comes from a parental place.
This would in both cases make the tone or intention a more caring one. As I doubt every waitress (regional colloquialisms aside) who ever called me sweetie or hon (I guess here is my vanity showing ) was referring to my looks.
But that is totally different. Let's compare apples to apples. "Sweetie" has nothing to do with your appearance. When was the last time a stranger commented to you, "You look tired?"
I disagree. I could easily assume by being called sweetie what is meant is that I have been described as looking cute if I want to be positive about it. Or I could go on and take it as being called as looking childish, not "manly" or as naive or simply not professional looking. That is the thing, one can take most things in an offensive manner.
Anyways, to you, too; thank you for the discussion. I enjoyed it. Even if we perhaps don't agree.
I disagree. I could easily assume by being called sweetie what is meant is that I have been described as looking cute if I want to be positive about it. Or I could go on and take it as being called as looking childish, not "manly" or as naive or simply not professional looking. That is the thing, one can take most things in an offensive manner.
Anyways, to you, too; thank you for the discussion. I enjoyed it. Even if we perhaps don't agree.
I enjoyed it too There is nothing "PC" to be concerned about IMO. I personally just follow the rule if you can't say something simply nice, don't say it at all.
Just wanted to add that I have had similar comments made to me so you won't think I am being critical of you personally. I am Caucasian with pale skin and I tend to wear make up. I also wear self tanner in the summer. I live where it snows so I am certainly not using tanner in the dead of winter. I have had many people ask me if I "feel ok" when I am feeling just fine. My only crime is walking around with naturally pale skin.
I can feel a bit frustrated when I feel like I have to put a "mask" on just to go out in public so I don't get an untoward comment directed at me. Compliments are always nice for anyone. Men just don't understand women sometimes get a lot more directed at us then you do. Just some understanding is all reasonable people ask.
Compliments are always nice for anyone. Men just don't understand women sometimes get a lot more directed at us then you do. Just some understanding is all reasonable people ask.
Of course.
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) was referring to my looks.
There is nothing "PC" to be concerned about IMO. I personally just follow the rule if you can't say something simply nice, don't say it at all.
