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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep sh*$."
Last edited by illtaketwoplease; 06-01-2018 at 02:09 PM..
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. The Donald says to Hillary, “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “What did you do with the pastries?” Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”.
Three surgeons are sitting in a bar debating about which political party's constituents are the easiest to operate on.
First surgeon said, "It has to be the Green party. Their internal organs are color coded in different shade of green. You do not have to worry about cutting up the wrong spots."
Second surgeon said, "I beg to differ. It's the Democrats. You don't worry about organ rejection because a Black Democrat's body readily accepts a White Democrat's cadaver organ and vice versa. They just naturally have high tolerance of things foreign and their bodies don't discriminate."
Third surgeon said, "No. You're both wrong. The easiest to operate on is a Republican, hands down."
The other surgeons ask, "How so?"
Third surgeon said, "First of all, less things can go wrong with Republicans because they have no heart, no brain, and no spine; furthermore, their head and their arse are interchangeable, and you don't have to worry about operating in room temperature because their blood is naturally cold."
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, “How was your night in Hell?” “Very educational,” responded the Pope. “I’ve learned a lot from the experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to Heaven. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.” “Ooh, sorry,” said Clinton, “you should have been there yesterday.”
Sean Hannity dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. St. Peter said to him, "Look, we're having a hard time deciding whether you should go to heaven or cast down to hell. You are religious and you advocated for God. However, you are also a shamelessly chronic liar and you spread lies like nobody's business. So tell you what, I'm going to take you on a tour of heaven and hell and you tell me where you want to spend eternity."
So St. Peter leads Hannity pass the Pearly Gate to a tour of heaven. It is a nice and quiet place, with angels playing harpsichords in the distance and people quietly and politely chatting. But Hannity was concerned that there are too many liberals, especially prominent are Civil Rights leaders, activists, Democratic presidents, Europeans socialists, scholars, or a combination of some of the above. There is also a noticeable absence of conservatives.
Next, St. Peter takes Hannity to hell; to his surprise Marilyn Monroe and Rita Hayworth greet him flirtatiously at the gate. "Oh my, we love you!! Let's get together sometime. We do threesome!" Hannity asks St. Peter if God demands monogamy in the afterlife. "No." St. Peter replies, "God only demands that in life, not the afterlife. Besides God doesn't really care what goes on down here." Later, Hannity meets Bob Jones, Richard Nixon, and a whole bunch of his heros. "Conservatives rule hell." Nixon said to him, "We just grab any liberals we find here we beat them up! It's alotta fun!" Then Jones said, "We are very religious down here. We pray everyday, go to church every Sunday, we are God's favorites, we just happen to have an address in hell that's all." William Safire chimed in, "You like music don't you? Let me take you to the concerts. Let me tell ya, the great musicians, Hendrix, Lennon, Mozart, etc, they're all down here. They compose music and held free concerts. Also, the great directors, great actors, porn stars, they're all here. The greatest movies are being made here in hell! You can even write your own script and Stanley Kubrick will direct it!"
After the tour, St. Peter asks Hannity, "Well, what do you think?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Hannity said, "But I prefer hell to heaven. It's not even close."
"Alright then, Mr. Hannity. To hell you go."
A month later, St. Peter was making the rounds from heaven to hell when he passes by a torture chamber in hell, he heard a voice screaming for him, "St. Peter! St. Peter! Come here! Come here!" St. Peter looks inside and sees Hannity, ties up to the wall and being pistol whipped and burned by hot iron by three demons, screaming for him. St. Peter walks over to him and said, "What is the matter, my son?" Hannity said, "What happened? Where're the hot girls? The free concerts? Where're my conservative heros? This is nothing like the hell that you showed me!!!"
St. Peter thinks for a few seconds and then say, "Hmmmm.... Oh oh oh, I see what happened. What I showed you was a Trump Organization Presentation in collaboration with Fox News."
.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and Dan Quayle are riding in a car in Kansas. A tornado suddenly appears and hurls the car into the magical land of Oz. Gingrich says, “Well, I’m off to see the Wizard and get myself a heart.” Quayle adds, “I’ll go with you and get a brain.” Bill Clinton asks, “Where’s Dorothy?”
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