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Honestly, you can't have a checklist. You have to be open minded to the one that works for you. Checklists do not equal love. You have a checklist. Until you get rid of it, you're too closed off to find magic.
Exactly. People often act like when they're older, they somehow won't be them anymore. Sure, we all change over the years somewhat, and maybe some priorities shift or certain body parts don't work as well, but overall, we will always have our personalities and interests. If you enjoy love and companionship at 30, you'll most likely enjoy and desire it at 80, too.
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Originally Posted by dmarie123
Honestly, you can't have a checklist. You have to be open minded to the one that works for you. Checklists do not equal love. You have a checklist. Until you get rid of it, you're too closed off to find magic.
I think it's okay to have a checklist in mind, but I wouldn't necessarily put it out there to others on dating sites. For one, people aren't self-aware. Most people don't get how others perceive them. So if you say "I want someone non-materialistic" you're still going to get people who don't fit that standard in your perception. To them, they're not materialistic, they're just normal.
I've had this issue with heavy drinkers too. I've warned guys that I don't want to be with a heavy drinker, and they've always assured me they are not. Then I find out that, in my perception, they absolutely are heavy drinkers, and we have problems.
There's just no way to determine a lot of this stuff in advance. You have to just wait to find people you're attracted to and then see how it goes. Your dealbreakers are your dealbreakers whether you list them out in advance or not. You'll figure it out when that person bothers you to the point where you realize you could never be happy with them long-term.
However, with kids, it's a whole other thing. I think if kids are a dealbreaker, it's better to put that out there in advance and just avoid dating parents. Even grown kids are a very huge part of any parents life. It just seems like such a clear issue could be determined in advance and therefore, no one's time is wasted.
A, B and C are pretty much the platform of any relationship and really don't even need to be listed as criteria. Most people don't want to date a cheater they find unattractive and have nothing in common with.
I agree I just stated everything to show I'm not seeking perfection.
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I totally feel you on D. Super-materialistic people gross me out. You're not alone there.
And I'm turned off by what many would call mildly materialistic. and while I like my toyed and splurge from time to time I view those things as icing on the cake not necessities. I went a few years without a car and only got one recently because I got a REALLY good deal on it. and it is in great condition.
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E is also pretty standard for most people. Although I view the idea that most relationships will last a lifetime (at least happily) as pretty unrealistic, I think most people expect to be committed while you're together.
Sadly till death do us part has lost meaning these days.
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F is going to be a little harder. Most people have kids. Not all, but most. Also remember that even if they have no kids at home, the situation could change and they could easily end up raising or being part-time caregivers for grandkids one day. If you're against that, you need to date childfree women only. There are dating sites for that, but they're apparently pretty unpopulated. (Also check out the childfree sub on reddit if you haven't already)
And that I am cool with, I have a daughter myself but she does not live with me.
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Why? When you're 80, you'll be alive and feeling things, just like now. As long as you're alive, it's not too late. But this is also why you shouldn't tie your happiness to being in love. Find happiness on your own and really learn to thrive in it. You may or may not find a partner, but at least you'll be good on your own. That's what I try to do.
Because at 80 when my body is breaking down and things aren't working like they should and it takes all night to do what I can now do all night, I would like to have 30+ years of passion, behind us as we walk towards the river Styx hand and hand as we gaze lovingly into each others eyes and say"well baby it was a good run".
And the whole "be happy by yourself" mentality I could never understand because even people who say such drivel seem at least a little happier when they are in a fulfilling relationship than they were alone, well for me at least I remember exactly how that feels and thus it becomes the new acceptable level of happiness.
So this next vid is the source of my longing, I designed the one singing after the girl I dated my last 2 years of highschool one of the 3 relationship prototypes of my life(set the stage of what I seek), and the one dancing on the left is based on the first girl I dated AFTER highschool. funny how most here call them fantasy girls when all of them are based on real people.
I was wondering why there's someone walking around dressed in a towel.
Okay better? lol
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Originally Posted by dmarie123
Honestly, you can't have a checklist. You have to be open minded to the one that works for you. Checklists do not equal love. You have a checklist. Until you get rid of it, you're too closed off to find magic.
The problem with that is often women who have deal breakers often have trait I REALLY like so I have to emotionally protect myself from them.
Honestly, you can't have a checklist. You have to be open minded to the one that works for you. Checklists do not equal love. You have a checklist. Until you get rid of it, you're too closed off to find magic.
I agree with this. I have things that are big Red flags for me. like being Unemployed, Living with parents, Borderline addictive personalities (drinkers, gamblers, cell phone addicts), Lazy lovers.
I have Yellow flag items, Multiple divorces, Bad diets, 3+ school aged kids, lack of education, lack of financial security. These are more negotiable things
It's very depressing as it tells me I'm good enough to "hang out" with or be an FWB, but not viewed as good enough to be a one and only.
And most of the advice I get is well meaning ways of saying "through money at the problem". Such as finding a higher paying job, join activities you enjoy etc etc...
Well most activities I enjoy turn out to be sausage fests when I show up.
Well I don't want to change jobs mine is stress free and most jobs that I've made more money at were full of stress and made me miserable 5-6 days a week. If I met the right woman today with the rest of my life as is I would be a pleasure to be around if I met the right woman and I had a stressful but high paying job or heaven forbid ......career. I would still be stressed.
I feel like I have no good options. I feel like a romantic living in a world that killed romance.
Well, if I wouldn't have to work as much I would be more fun to be around, too!
That's the game - be someone, have something to offer and have a better pick of good women.
Barely scraping by, living in a dark hole and expecting quality women to date you exclusively is a challenge. You have figured that out yourself already so you know what you have to change.
I'd say - as many times before - just by investing a little bit in your property and add curb appeal aka make it less creepy looking, you'll achieve more dating success. I don't know any woman who would want to come near the front door.
Barely scraping by, living in a dark hole and expecting quality women to date you exclusively is a challenge. You have figured that out yourself already so you know what you have to change.
I'd say - as many times before - just by investing a little bit in your property and add curb appeal aka make it less creepy looking, you'll achieve more dating success. I don't know any woman who would want to come near the front door.
lolol. The poor OP; he takes so much flack for his house/property. But seriously, Cyph, even if some woman thought you're cool, she might freak when she saw your bunker. Though it's probably a little more approachable, now that it's rained, and the lawn has sprung to life. But still... A couple of flowering shrubs on either side of the door would be nice. And those iron bars on the windows--they make it look like you're trying to imprison yourself.
I know you're not interested in this kind of advice, but I'd suggest maybe taking a second job for awhile, so you could save money to trade up, house-wise. Just a little. IDK, Cyphie; the situation doesn't look hopeful. I think you're so conditioned to your environment, you don't perceive it as we do.
So, who are these women you've met, who are a good fit for you? They're gamers, and are low-maintenance? If that's true, then you just have to be patient, and keep looking for ones that aren't taken. Good luck! I mean that sincerely. If they exist, you just have to figure out how to find them before someone else snaps them up.
A. mutual attraction.
B. common interests and worldview.
C. Faithfulness (in behavior and deed)
D. non-materialistic.
E. seeking life long monogamy.
F. no kids at home.
A. Has a pretty specific look that you want; also thinks you're hot.
B. Pretty specific interests; pretty unusual worldview.
C. Faithfulness - To the point of extremely limited social activity. Not just about sex, about attention and time and such, preference is for a woman who is fine being isolated with just you two most of the time. You're pretty antisocial and you want her to be, also.
D. Non-materialistic to an extreme. OK living in the "bunker style" bars on windows box in a sketch neighborhood. Doesn't even want to visit/travel outside of that. But hey...at least she is allowed to decorate some rooms! Need she share your dream of real life Shadowrun in a bombed out post-apocalyptic city-scape, rather than one day owning a nice home in a nice area where it's safe for her to take an evening stroll by herself?
...I could go on but I won't. Thing is, you make it sound simpler than it is.
At the core of it, you're an uncommon man, and you want a woman who is 100% on board and capable of the same levels of intensity you feel you can offer. And you expect it to go on exactly like so, intense and obsessive, you two against the world, not just beyond the "honeymoon phase" but for life.
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Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Why y'all barefoot!!??
Shoes = MATERIALISTIC! ??
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Originally Posted by That_One_Girl
People here seem to have more insight into OP's life than I do.
He's intermittently been a regular poster on and off here for years. As have a number of us, myself included. Not much in his struggles has changed. He'll come off with a certain (fairly relatable) premise as a question along the lines of "Is this too much to ask?" and only in time is it revealed that the real picture is...a fairly strange one actually. I'm glad the videos are a bit less jarring these days. The animated ladies he used to show us as examples of his taste in women, were a lot more disturbing-looking before.
I felt like a jerk for saying it...just on principle...but the conclusion I reached the last time we had a lot of cyphorx threads here is that if they develop a realistic enough AI, he might be the one man I've encountered who could legitimately be happier and healthier with a robot girlfriend, than he probably would with a live woman.
Cyphorx I do feel for ya. It's been clear you've been lonely and you do have a lot (emotionally) to offer. But you've got it right when you use the word, "unicorn"...the woman of your dreams is a rare animal indeed. Still. Sometimes, I simply wish that all of our lonely hearts on here would find their happily ever after. For all that I've snarked at you in the past, man, I wish I could give you a hug. It's not always easy being different.
lolol. The poor OP; he takes so much flack for his house/property. But seriously, Cyph, even if some woman thought you're cool, she might freak when she saw your bunker. Though it's probably a little more approachable, now that it's rained, and the lawn has sprung to life. But still... A couple of flowering shrubs on either side of the door would be nice. And those iron bars on the windows--they make it look like you're trying to imprison yourself.
I know you're not interested in this kind of advice, but I'd suggest maybe taking a second job for awhile, so you could save money to trade up, house-wise. Just a little. IDK, Cyphie; the situation doesn't look hopeful. I think you're so conditioned to your environment, you don't perceive it as we do.
So, who are these women you've met, who are a good fit for you? They're gamers, and are low-maintenance? If that's true, then you just have to be patient, and keep looking for ones that aren't taken. Good luck! I mean that sincerely. If they exist, you just have to figure out how to find them before someone else snaps them up.
My perception from his previous posts about his house, is that he doesn't want to upgrade or improve the curb appeal because he doesn't want to increase the value of his home. Reason being that it will raise his property taxes. It's really a poverty mentality, in my opinion. He is actually choosing poverty over abundance. I don't know anyone else but the OP who actively avoids increasing the value of their largest asset.
The OP can correct me if I have misunderstood, or if he has come around to a different viewpoint on this from what I remember.
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 10-29-2018 at 04:57 PM..
Reason: additional thought
Maybe your market is divorced women who married young, loved and supported high-achieving men, and were cheated on and/or dumped. Assuming the kids are out of the house.
That's me, in a nutshell. And my experience left me looking for someone who wasn't a materialistic fake snob, who I felt money had changed drastically for the worse.
My divorce settlement left me with enough money to fend for myself, so what "materialistic" impulses I have don't cost my current SO. I take care of myself financially.
My SO doesn't have the nice house or nice cars or flashy dress. Neither did the ex when I met him. But what matters to me is my SO now is honest and loyal - and the ex was NOT.
My SO wasn't too sure about me in the beginning, because of things like the nice vehicle I got in the divorce. He eventually figured out that kind of thing isn't important to me, it was a matter of the ex needing to keep up appearances.
Sure, there are women who can't/won't give up the high-end lifestyle. But if I could... maybe you'll find your unicorn.
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. I would still be stressed. 