Quote:
Originally Posted by Juxtaposition109
These are great. Please keep them coming
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Ok, you asked for it
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
This one is totally non-PC, but totally hilarious:
Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.
So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hire a Mexican guy and two to deport him when he's done.
I have degrees in psychology, economics and politics.
I don't have a job but at least I know why.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …
so Trump can’t tweet it.
I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats…they want a handout everyday
The government is like alcohol. There is no situation it can’t make worse.
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Political parties are like toilet paper. Whichever side you select, you end up getting poop
We need to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for President.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only *talk* about change.
Why is Trump so sure that the Coronavirus is a Democrat conspiracy?
Because pandemic has dem at the centre of panic.
I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.
This would never happen if he were still alive.
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.