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In a stunning development, President Obama declared the recession officially over. Two days before taking office, Obama was notified by the GAO that Congress had been on "double secret probation" since 2006. In accordance with the terms of the probation, Obama issued a secret executive order to the IRS: audit every member of Congress. In the first day, the IRS netted $38,000. On the second day, they netted an additional $125,000. By the end of the week, the had recovered over $25,000,000 in unpaid taxes. "I was shocked", stated Obama. "I knew politicians were crooks, but even I was stunned by the amount!". Scared by the impending audits, members of Congress and other politiicians across the nation scrambled for immunity and a settlement. After just two weeks, the Treasury has recovered billions of unpaid taxes.
"Who knew Pelosi was so rich", said one staffer who refused to give her name because she was not authorized to speak her name. "If I knew she had that kind of money I never would have donated to her clothing fund", she continued.
"Her settlement alone could feed every hungry child in America", continued another staffer. "Who does she think she is, Leona Helmsely? Martha Stewart? We are all outraged!".
Sources inside the White House report that instead of a stimulus, Obama is now contemplating refunds. "Based on the first two week's results, the GAO has extrapolated that between Congress, other beltway politicians, as well as state and local officials, we can reduce the deficit to zero by the end of the year." claimed Obama. "While it will take time to collect the funds, the recession is officially over", stated Obama.
A reserved Joe Biden did not appear to share Obama's enthusiasm. "When Obama told me it would not be business as usual in the White House, I did not think he was serious. This is going to cost me a fortune!", he told an AP reporter who was not authorized to report his name.
On a separate note, Armani today revised its earnings forecast for the year. In an 8-K filing released after hours, they stated "Based on the stunning revelations coming out of Washington, we expect a loss for the year. Nancy Pelosi has canceled her purchase commitments for the foreseeable future."
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