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Old 08-23-2008, 03:19 PM
 
4 posts, read 10,013 times
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I would offer her encouragement, and assistance in parenting her child. What is the difference between a 20 year old finding out she's pregnant, compared to a 16 year old besides 4 years and a highschool diploma?

Why does society in general flip out when a young girl gets pregnant? Is it not the responsibility of her family and our community to reach out arms of support and encouragement. If she doesn't know how to be a mother, then lets teach her. There is no reason to punish her and her child for the rest of their lives by separating them for half of a lifetime at minimum.

Pregnancy prevention "talk" is useless at this point, she is already pregnant. Now that new life has come onto the table the best thing, in my opinion, is to find out a caretaking system for her new child while she is finishing her school. To start planning a community baby shower for her so that she can get the supplies needed to welcome this new beautiful precious life into the world.

Breastfeeding and cloth diapering really minimizes costs going into a childs early years, I know from experience. Plus its great for the child, and the enviornment. Co-sleeping is also a plus ( i also know this from experience.)

There is no need to be alarmed, pregnancy to teens happens every day, in every state across our country and in every country around the world. Instead of reacting in fear and hostility towards the life of this child by suggesting separation that will traumatize each of them, celebrate this new life and encourage them to stay together and continue her education and dreams while entering the wonderful world of motherhood. Regardless of what happens, she IS a mother, nothing can change that now. Nothing.
We must not let the "wants" and "wishes" of the past, hold us back from accepting and embracing our future. Life is beautiful I urge you to embrace the life of her child that is on its way into the world, and extend a helping arm to ease this transition for her into the world of motherhood.

[url=http://www.advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/]National Advocates for Pregnant Women: Welcome to NAPW[/url] National Advocates for Pregnant Women: Welcome to NAPW
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf (broken link)
http://motherhelp.info/Unplanned (broken link) Pregnancy, A Mother's Song

"In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage--to know who we are and where we come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No mater what our attainment in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness and a most disquieting loneliness."
Alex Haley, author of Roots

Last edited by Gershom; 08-23-2008 at 03:22 PM.. Reason: Trying to add a link
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Old 08-23-2008, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
427 posts, read 1,388,931 times
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Sometimes adoption is the best option. My mother does foster care, and I've seen what happens when there are single mothers who are 26 and have 7 kids. My little brother is adopted, he was taken away from his parents after they tried to kill him by puttind salt in his bottle, he was only five weeks old. The mother had wanted to put hime up for adoption and her parents talked her out of it, so she tried to kill hime twice. The second time he was in the hospital for weeks. She never showed up for visits, she never bought him anything, she did not care about him. My mother is the only mother he has ever really known, and he loves her, and she had a husband. He wasn't sold he was saved.
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Old 08-23-2008, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Catonsville, MD
2,358 posts, read 5,986,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gershom View Post

There is no need to be alarmed, pregnancy to teens happens every day, in every state across our country and in every country around the world. Instead of reacting in fear and hostility towards the life of this child by suggesting separation that will traumatize each of them, celebrate this new life and encourage them to stay together and continue her education and dreams while entering the wonderful world of motherhood. Regardless of what happens, she IS a mother, nothing can change that now. Nothing.
We must not let the "wants" and "wishes" of the past, hold us back from accepting and embracing our future. Life is beautiful I urge you to embrace the life of her child that is on its way into the world, and extend a helping arm to ease this transition for her into the world of motherhood.
This would be the most ideal situation imaginable for all pregnant teens. I wish that life were so simple. Granted I am a bit older (I am now 50,) but had I come home pregnant as a teen, there is no way on earth that my parents would have embraced the life of my child. I did have a pregnancy scare when I was 17 (skipped my period for 5 months inexplicably right after I lost my virginity,) and my parents told me that it was either an abortion for me - Roe v Wade had recently happened - or adoption. If I chose to keep a child, it would be on my own. Turns out I had merely skipped periods (and would skip periods for 15 years after this scare) and wasn't pregnant, but it sure let me know where I stood. Believe me, I took precautions after that! My parents weren't horrible parents at all, but they had very strict views on pregnancy. And their lack of ambiguity on the topic made it so I remained pregnancy-free. Would I have been less careful if they had been welcoming of a child from a teen pregnancy? I have no idea at this point, but knowing they were not willing to help me raise a child helped me to learn how to take precautions.
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Old 08-23-2008, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
427 posts, read 1,388,931 times
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My adopted brothers parents tried to kill him, they fed him salt, his body was so dehydrated that it shut down and he barely lived. His bio parents were living with the grandparents, there was no other family. They knew something was wrong and they did nothing. So would have been better for hime to live with parents that kept trying to kill him. Or to live with us, with parents and siblings and aunts and uncles that all love him, and would never hurt him. Please explain to me how he would have been better off with them.
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Old 08-23-2008, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
427 posts, read 1,388,931 times
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Maybe but you can not reverse time, and maybe some people are just not meant to be parents, either way you still avoid the question, should he have stayed with them. She did not want him, she felt no attachment to him. She was allowed visitation she chose not to show up. She could have had a chance to get him back, all she had to do was show up to visits once a week, take a parenting class that was offered for free, and have a safe place for hime to live. She did none of that, she did not show up and she did not take the course, some times people are not right no matter how they are raised. You are assuming that she was normal.

And back to the question would living with them while they continued to try to kill them have been better than him being adopted into a loving family that wants and loves him.
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Old 08-23-2008, 04:21 PM
 
4 posts, read 10,013 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmacf1 View Post
This would be the most ideal situation imaginable for all pregnant teens. I wish that life were so simple. Granted I am a bit older (I am now 50,) but had I come home pregnant as a teen, there is no way on earth that my parents would have embraced the life of my child.
It doesn't take a perfect world to "right" a "wrong" and break the cycle. Breaking the cycle happens everyday as well. It takes strength, courage and the will to know what was done to you was wrong, and that you don't have to "do that" to another human.

With all due respect life is "that simple."

Its much easier to blow off "supporting a pregnant girl" for "if only it were a perfect world" arguments, but in reality, it doesn't take a perfect world to support someone in a life changing situation. It doesn't take a perfect world for anyone to extend a helping hand to this mother. It doesn't take a perfect world to break the cycle of strict teen pregnancy rejection guidelines that your parents gave you.

This is a human life we're talking about, and we each, owe human life a chance at being the best it can be, regardless of what older generations thought, or did in our own lives.

I too had strict parents. Very strict. When I announced my pregnancy at 24 I was told I was getting an abortion and I refused. After that I was "told" i was surrendering my child to adoption because someone else, more deserving who had a savings account and insurance deserved my child more than me. I refused. I kept my children against all odds. Partly due to the fact that I am an adoptee, and I know the pain of separation only the way an adoptee does. Nobody could EVER make ME inflict that type of pain on another human being, let alone my own flesh and blood.

Do you know who is the MOST supportive person in my family today in regards to helping me out with my children that I decided to parent on my own? My mother, who demanded that I have an abortion, and after refusal demanded that I make an adoption plan. I went through the entire pregnancy alone, no baby shower, complete rejection of family, no support, nothing. And today she is the FIRST ONE to admit what an incredible mistake it was of her to act like that. How sorry she is, how wrong she was, and how important my children are to her, and what an assett they are to our family.

To "repeat cycles" of rejection of new life, because "thats the way it was done way back when" is ignorant. You owe not only yourself more than that, but you owe the new life that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmacf1 View Post
This would be the most ideal situation imaginable for all pregnant teens. I wish that life were so simple. Granted I am a bit older (I am now 50,) but had I come home pregnant as a teen, there is no way on earth that my parents would have embraced the life of my child.

Last edited by Gershom; 08-23-2008 at 04:22 PM.. Reason: putting quote up top so people know who i'm directing this reply too
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Old 08-23-2008, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Denver
109 posts, read 231,309 times
Reputation: 98
Thank you to everyone who offered helpful advice (actually halfway throught reading the responses i had to stop and cut around the bs, really guys make an "i hate adoption" thread, get out of mine)

So here's the latest info i've been able to get:
Two days after i found out and posted, the friend of mine went back to the clinic to get her 3rd pregnancy test...

The clinic's response was " Oh sorry about the two positive repsonses before this one, you're not pregnant, we do this all the time"

Why this mistake happened I have no idea, why she missed two periods, i have no idea. But according to this clinic she isn't pregnant.

On the other subject:
I was conceived after my mother decided she couldnt take being with her bf anymore and went over to her neighbor's house for some "comfort" then came me . He couldn't take care of yet another bastard child (harsh term, sheesh) so he and my mom's bf decided to do a switcharoo. the Father could go live his life, and i was now property of my mom's awfully kind, caring, awesome bf. So my 2 cents on the adoption argument going on here is that some children are what some could consider "bought". but mostly we as adoptees are not bought and sold as objects. That is a very limited way of thinking about things. We are given, blessed with the gift of life which all too many children don't get, to parents who went out of their way to take care of a child and give them a home.

I don't see death as being an equal option to being given to a family who wanted and needed me. I don't see myself as having been ripped away from that side of my family who couldn't provide.

Adoption isn't about a needy couple going MEMEMEMEME, GIVE ME MINE NOW. It's more about giving and providing for another. Of course that's not always the case, bu just like a mutt off the street that's glad it now has a home, i'm not going to whine and neither should anyone else imo who was given a home. Some children don't get homes or have horrible abusive homes, and some aren't alive because that was decided to be better. I'd have to say we have blessed lives.

Back on topic now. I thank deeply everyone who gave me advice. If i need them again ( I hope i don't) i will have that much more information to be able to offer.
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Old 08-23-2008, 06:56 PM
 
13,784 posts, read 26,270,859 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahlila View Post
Thank you to everyone who offered helpful advice (actually halfway throught reading the responses i had to stop and cut around the bs, really guys make an "i hate adoption" thread, get out of mine)

So here's the latest info i've been able to get:
Two days after i found out and posted, the friend of mine went back to the clinic to get her 3rd pregnancy test...

The clinic's response was " Oh sorry about the two positive repsonses before this one, you're not pregnant, we do this all the time"

Why this mistake happened I have no idea, why she missed two periods, i have no idea. But according to this clinic she isn't pregnant.

On the other subject:
I was conceived after my mother decided she couldnt take being with her bf anymore and went over to her neighbor's house for some "comfort" then came me . He couldn't take care of yet another bastard child (harsh term, sheesh) so he and my mom's bf decided to do a switcharoo. the Father could go live his life, and i was now property of my mom's awfully kind, caring, awesome bf. So my 2 cents on the adoption argument going on here is that some children are what some could consider "bought". but mostly we as adoptees are not bought and sold as objects. That is a very limited way of thinking about things. We are given, blessed with the gift of life which all too many children don't get, to parents who went out of their way to take care of a child and give them a home.

I don't see death as being an equal option to being given to a family who wanted and needed me. I don't see myself as having been ripped away from that side of my family who couldn't provide.

Adoption isn't about a needy couple going MEMEMEMEME, GIVE ME MINE NOW. It's more about giving and providing for another. Of course that's not always the case, bu just like a mutt off the street that's glad it now has a home, i'm not going to whine and neither should anyone else imo who was given a home. Some children don't get homes or have horrible abusive homes, and some aren't alive because that was decided to be better. I'd have to say we have blessed lives.

Back on topic now. I thank deeply everyone who gave me advice. If i need them again ( I hope i don't) i will have that much more information to be able to offer.
I am sure your friend is so relieved! I need to apologize for the diversion in your post and that I participated. Some of the statements were just going overboard.

Thanks for posting and I hope you were able to retrieve some valuable information.
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Old 08-23-2008, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Denver
109 posts, read 231,309 times
Reputation: 98
Thank you, i am truly grateful for all the information given me. My friend has it all now, just in case she ever needs it again. I hope she doesn't!
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Old 08-23-2008, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Hudson, OH
681 posts, read 2,362,410 times
Reputation: 1017
Hi Dahlila - I'm glad your friend's situation has a happy ending. And a big "thank you" for sharing your personal adoptionn experience to provide MUCH NEEDED balance to this hijacked thread.

For what it's worth, it's entirely possible that your friend had two valid positive pregnancy tests and then failed a third. It's fairly common to lose a pregnancy very early. Sometimes the embryo fails to implant properly or the problem lies in the viability of the embryo...or it fails for a hundred different reasons. Women who test early sometimes get a few positives then encounter subsequent negative tests. This doesn't mean that your friend is infertile, not at all. These things just happen sometimes.

Give your friend some hugs and have a great weekend!

Moderator cut: off topic

Last edited by autumngal; 08-23-2008 at 08:56 PM..
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