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I think you should encourage them to marry for one. A marriage doesn't work if it's never given a chance and the best way for him to stay involved with his child is to be married.
People used to marry young and they made it. It's not the end of the world, it's not the easiest way to start out in life - but people do it, have always done it. Some help is okay.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions, this last week had been very difficult. My son and his GF, both college freshmen, told me that she is pregnant. They are both good kids, work hard, and just had an "oops" experience. I don't mean to discount it - this is an "oops" that could affect their entire future. They haven't decided what to do yet but my sense is that they are leaning towards keeping the baby. My son is going through college on the GI Bill so money for education isn't an issue for him. He intends to continue with school. His GF has been kicked out of her parents home and is currently staying with me (I'm divorced and have been since my son was less than a year old). She would likely continue working part-time while still in school this semester, then work full-time over the summer and continue working part-time/going to school part-time in the fall. After the baby is born in the spring, she would take a couple classes each semester and otherwise stay home with the baby while my son continues his studies full-time and perhaps works part-time (the GI bill gives him a large monthly stipend). They were looking at apartments but if we all can handle it, I think it would be better financially if they stay living with me. I have 2 extra bedrooms and they would have entire floor of the house to themselves (2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom). I would charge them a bit of rent but nothing compared to what they would have to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment, which around here would run about $1100/per month.
I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm trying to be supportive and realize that any decision they make is their decision. They are both legally adults and all I can do at this point is give them the wisdom of my experience so that they can make an informed decision. I'm ready to be a grandmother but life would be easier for them if they weren't parents yet.
Also, I have to admit that I'm a little unhappy at how this will affect my life. I was rather looking forward to being an empty nester. I had planned on moving since I have no family in this area. I know some parents don't look forward to the empty quiet of a house without children in it, but I was frankly looking forward to it. Until they are at least a little better settled and can understand how their finances will be affected, some of my plans will have to be put on hold. I feel a little guilty for being upset that my plans are changed. No, they don't have to be - I could let them figure it out and sink or swim. But I don't think I could do that. Besides, mostly likely they would be knocking on my door anyway asking for help and advice.
Sigh - being a new grandma isn't supposed to be like this.
First of all, you have a right to ALL your feelings - disappointment, angst, annoyance, even anger. This WILL impact your life and change the direction you might have seen yourself heading.
However, once you process those feelings you'll be free to welcome this new life into yours - and I believe be thoroughly enriched in the long run Congratulations Grammy!
While some people will try to tell you, "they are 18, they are adults now, let them figure it out", you are wise to understand that being 18 is STILL just being a teenager with a legal adult status, not real adult maturity.
To give them and your grandchild the best chance at a successful life they NEED at least one parent such as yourself willing to guide them and be a bit of a safety net. So, good for you for offering to rent to them at an affordable rate while they live with you and finish school. I would just suggest that you get an understanding of all financial expectations in writing. Doing this will avoid any misunderstandings on anyones part and will aid the young couple is growing into a more adult role of budgeting and paying rent on time.
It is IMPERATIVE that your son finish school - you must stress that him. If he is tempted to quit at any point to work fulltime "to support his family" he will be forever limiting himself in future earnings and lifestyle. It's not fair that you have been put in this position, but then, life is not fair. When people we love screw up, THAT is the time to really show them the depth of our love for them. Hang tough, you are a good mom and will be a great grandmother I'm sure
Enabling is a big mistake. To take on his responsiblities is a bad thing to do. Some people will tell you to suck it up and keep your son as a child and wipe up after his messes, but if you do that, you will be wiping up after him all the rest of your life.
YOUR life should not be more adversely affected than theirs. It wasn't YOUR idea for them to have unprotected sex and produce a baby.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions, this last week had been very difficult. My son and his GF, both college freshmen, told me that she is pregnant. They are both good kids, work hard, and just had an "oops" experience. I don't mean to discount it - this is an "oops" that could affect their entire future. They haven't decided what to do yet but my sense is that they are leaning towards keeping the baby. My son is going through college on the GI Bill so money for education isn't an issue for him. He intends to continue with school. His GF has been kicked out of her parents home and is currently staying with me (I'm divorced and have been since my son was less than a year old). She would likely continue working part-time while still in school this semester, then work full-time over the summer and continue working part-time/going to school part-time in the fall. After the baby is born in the spring, she would take a couple classes each semester and otherwise stay home with the baby while my son continues his studies full-time and perhaps works part-time (the GI bill gives him a large monthly stipend). They were looking at apartments but if we all can handle it, I think it would be better financially if they stay living with me. I have 2 extra bedrooms and they would have entire floor of the house to themselves (2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom). I would charge them a bit of rent but nothing compared to what they would have to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment, which around here would run about $1100/per month.
I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm trying to be supportive and realize that any decision they make is their decision. They are both legally adults and all I can do at this point is give them the wisdom of my experience so that they can make an informed decision. I'm ready to be a grandmother but life would be easier for them if they weren't parents yet.
Also, I have to admit that I'm a little unhappy at how this will affect my life. I was rather looking forward to being an empty nester. I had planned on moving since I have no family in this area. I know some parents don't look forward to the empty quiet of a house without children in it, but I was frankly looking forward to it. Until they are at least a little better settled and can understand how their finances will be affected, some of my plans will have to be put on hold. I feel a little guilty for being upset that my plans are changed. No, they don't have to be - I could let them figure it out and sink or swim. But I don't think I could do that. Besides, mostly likely they would be knocking on my door anyway asking for help and advice.
Sigh - being a new grandma isn't supposed to be like this.
Oh, and some will try to tell you by helping your son and his girlfriend you are not allowing him to grow up or even enabling him But don't fall for that guilt trip.
Every situation is different and in yours I can see that your son deserves your support. He is in school, he is highly motivated, he is wanting to take responsibility for his child (unlike some who would take the easy way out and just abort the baby), he's willing to work - basically, he's not a deadbeat loser with a drug problem or other issues.
You are not enabling him, you are assisting him and mentoring him - which is what a good parent does when their otherwise good kid gets in over his head. Becoming a man is a process - it takes a few years. No guy turns 18 and is instantly a man. You are wise to continue to mentor him into this next phase of his life. My hat is off to you
Lets remind everyone that even taking precautions can result in getting pregnant. So these two could have been doing what they were supposed but were part of that 1 or 2% that birth control didn't work.
They should get their own place. The best scenario is for them to marry this way his military stipend will now include a family. My DH and I married young, I was 17 and he was 20. We have NEVER lived with anyone. We went out on our own and have struggled and grown because of it. If this happened to my 18 year old daughter she would have to move out and on her own. These are adult decisions and come with adult consequences. You have done a fine job of raising your son, now it's their turn to raise a child....on their own. They are adults now.My .02.
I think you should encourage them to marry for one. A marriage doesn't work if it's never given a chance and the best way for him to stay involved with his child is to be married.
People used to marry young and they made it. It's not the end of the world, it's not the easiest way to start out in life - but people do it, have always done it. Some help is okay.
Why would you want to encourage marriage to an 18 year old? That's dumb!
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Congratulations Grammy!
