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Old 07-28-2010, 11:51 AM
 
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Narcissism - Is it a learned behavior? What about impatience - a learned behavior? What about unhappiness - a learned behavior?

I grew up seeing my own guardians chasing after their wants when it came to me:
They wanted me to behave.
They wanted me to be independent.
They wanted me to stop crying.
They wanted me to stop wanting something.

They chased after their wants when it came to meeting our needs:
They wanted to bring home money but wanted more.
They wanted dinner but didn't want to have to do the work.
They wanted a clean house but didn't enjoy housekeeping.
They wanted us to have clothes but wanted us to be happy with Walmart clothes because they couldn't afford designer clothes. Otherwise, they would buy them for us.

And because they didn't know when these wants would happen, they were impatient, unhappy and selfish. But they never knew they were. They believed that having what they wanted would make them happy. But, it was waiting for the wants that made them unhappy. Nobody likes to wait.

I only realized much later that they modeled these undesirable behaviors to me because I was doing the same thing to my daughter. I wanted the exact same things and I was not enjoying my time with her because what I wanted was not happening.

"The time it takes to reach our wants is no less desirable than the time after we reach our wants." Some wants never happen like reliving the past.

So I have decided not to teach my daughter to wait for her wants because the time she is living now is just as valuable. The only way to "teach" her this is by not waiting for my wants either and enjoying right now.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:11 PM
 
Location: NJT 14C
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OP--what does any of that have to do with narcissism??

It sounds like it's rather about the relationship of desires to happiness, a la the Buddhist view on that.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLuckoftheDraw View Post
OP--what does any of that have to do with narcissism??

It sounds like it's rather about the relationship of desires to happiness, ala the Buddhist view on that.
Then maybe I am confused about what narcissism means. I have seen it used here on the boards and I thought it meant along the lines of selfishness.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:18 PM
 
Location: NJT 14C
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Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Selfishness" is often a way to characterize it, but simply having desires is not akin to selfishness.

Wanting to provide for others, wanting to guide others in ways that you believe are for their betterment, etc. are not selfishness. They are desires, however.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLuckoftheDraw View Post
Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Selfishness" is often a way to characterize it, but simply having desires is not akin to selfishness.

Wanting to provide for others, wanting to guide others in ways that you believe are for their betterment, etc. are not selfishness. They are desires, however.
Its not and I agree having desires is not selfish. However, waiting and wanting for those desires to happen could LEAD to undesirable behaviors. The problem is that the person doing the undesirable behavior doesn't recognize it as selfish, just trying to get what they want, even if it is to help another person.

Ever heard of co-dependency? " I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others."
http://www.sdccoda.org/readings/coda_patterns.php
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:12 PM
 
Location: NJT 14C
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Let me try it this way: what is an example, in your opinion, of a desire that's not selfish?
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:41 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
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The hallmark of true narcisissm is greed.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLuckoftheDraw View Post
Let me try it this way: what is an example, in your opinion, of a desire that's not selfish?
Easy, accepting that my wants are in the future and that I don't have to be miserable or treat others miserably because I don't have them NOW. In other words I am not concerned about the future. I am paying attention to my surroundings now.

For example, I wanted to reply to your post yesterday but my toddler was pulling at my arm. I could have been irritated with her normal behavior and scared her off. She may not do it again, not because she has learned the proper behavior but because she is afraid of me. I could have ignored her and let her cry and got what I wanted. You would have had your question answered but I would have acted selfishly towards my daughter. Don't you think this is how she would learn to be selfish?

However, I decided that my want to reply to you didn't have to happen NOW. Why? Because I believe you can take care of yourself and you don't need my "advice" even if I thought it could help you. I was able to meet my daughter's needs (not wants). She was hungry. And now I am replying to your answer so I still got what I wanted.

The saying "your child can wait." Yes, she can but so can I. That is the gist of this post.


Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
The hallmark of true narcisissm is greed.
That comes about not being able to wait for what you want. You want it now and you will do what ever is necessary to have it now. I believe you learn this behavior from the people who raised you.

Last edited by crisan; 07-29-2010 at 03:27 PM..
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Wildside of Oahu
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I thought narcissism was the inability to feel empathy or concern towards others and viewing all situations from the perspective of how it affects the narcsist.

From Wikipedia:

Narcissus was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. As divine punishment he fell in love with his own reflection in a pool, not realizing it was merely an image, and he wasted away to death, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joliefille View Post
I thought narcissism was the inability to feel empathy or concern towards others and viewing all situations from the perspective of how it affects the narcsist.

From Wikipedia:

Narcissus was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. As divine punishment he fell in love with his own reflection in a pool, not realizing it was merely an image, and he wasted away to death, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.
Right so when a parent only thinks about their wants, don't they teach their children to only think of their wants? Or at least, be unhappy or impatient that they don't have their wants. The flip side is to be happy or patient that I don't have my wants out of "politeness."
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