How to find stability in your life when you've never really had much? (dating, issues)

[Gabriella Geramia]

I've been thinking about my issues a lot lately in an attempt to better my life. During my visit to the therapist today along with weeks of me pondering what's wrong with me, something hit me. I have never had stability or at least the feel of it. I grew up always worrying about money. My father was always in between jobs so my mother always worked and never had time for us. Nevertheless, my father would buy us anything we wanted, especially after he lost his job. He would be bitter and upset but he would still buy us things. To this day I turn to money for comfort, especially when something bad in my personal life is happening. I don't always worry about spending money, but I always look for ways to make more money so that I could feel safe with it.

My friendships and relationships have never been stable either. I've only had 3 real relationships and they were always on and off. Aside from the 3, most of my dating are flings and last between 2 days to 4 weeks. I also moved for school last year. I made some friends year but in a year, I will move again to a new city--I don't even know where yet. None of my friends speak to me from my hometown and my family never calls me.

When I went to group last year first semester, it was a group of women who could relate to my problems and could connect with me. Most people contributed or at least tried and they showed up every week. I started to feel like I could trust this group and I felt a sense of security I didn't realize I could feel from people who were strangers to me not too long ago. Unfortunately, this is school, so after the first semester, I joined a different group. Different people were coming and going all the time and most people were very quiet and wouldn't contribute. I didn't connect to this group or relate to them at all. I felt uncomfortable going and thought about quitting. I stuck with it to the end but I didn't get much out of it.

I think comparing the group today in my session is what made me realize I long for stability. I used to be the loner in high school who thought groups were stupid and I was never really a part of one. Now I see why people get together once a week to hang out and why people want to belong with a group. I think I'm going to search for activities around me where I can go once a week to the same group of supportive people and see familiar faces. Church pops in my head. Any other suggestions? I think maybe I could attempt to put together a weekly group thing with people at my school.

[Kimmie]

If you try too hard to make it work out into a "group thing" with people that you barely know or have yet to know, then it probably won't work.

Give one of your old friends from last semester a call. Tell them you missed them! Some of my dearest and oldest friends came from places that I would have least suspected.

Be yourself and do what makes you happy! Making friends will come naturally. Try volunteer work in an area about which you are passionate. While volunteers in these agencies may come and go,the agency probably won't.

Go out into the community and see what sorts of special interest groups there are. You may find your own "tribe" out there! School is a transient place, but lasting friendships can be made there.

If you can try to envision your stability as a personal concept rather than a condition based on the actions of others, then the stability that you crave will come.

[june 7th]

Don't know whether this would be possible in terms of being a student, but perhaps getting some kind of pet? Pets can most definitely provide a sense of security as well as stability, as they will bond with you...

Just a thought....