Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
First of all, let me extend my sympathy to you on the loss of your son.
It's my observation that, in a situation like this, when people aren't sure what to do...they do nothing. I think they're probably afraid that you'll get upset if they mention your son, or perhaps they're not sure what to say...so, yes, the topic has become the elephant in the room. It doesn't mean they don't care, it means they just don't know what to do.
Yeah, I think that's it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraGirl123
A friend of mine lost her son, her only child, in a car accident when he was just 21 years old. This happened about 5 years ago, but I know the loss will stay with her for the rest of her life.
Since this has happened, I meet up with her at least once a month for breakfast. I don't want to be one of those people who "disappeared" after the funeral was over. Sometimes we go to the cemetery afterward, where she has his grave decorated for the season. I send her a "thinking of you" card on the anniversary of his death, and at Christmas, I send a card appropriate for a family who has lost a loved one.
I think all of the suggestions that have been posted so far on this topic have been excellent. It's not quantity of time or words...it's quality that counts.
I think it's great that you have decided to try to keep up the relationship and I think it is always appreciated when you remember the "anniversary of the death." The parents will always remember and it's nice to know that someone else remembers that date as well.
Make sure you talk about her child throughout the year. A friend of mine lost a child earlier this year. Not many people talk about the little girl and that hurts my friends feelings. So I try to bring up the little girl here and there and I know my friend appreciates it, she will talk about the little girl with a smile on her face. Give her a card on holidays, when she will really feel the loss.
Just saying something is unbelievably helpful. Acknowledgment is very important IMO. Something like "I am sorry for your loss" would be fine, as would sharing a specific memory if you have one. I treasured every acknowledgement (and was amazed at the lack of by so many people, but I know they just didn't know what to say) and every story, memory and comment when my mom died. It really helps. The only things I would avoid is are: "I know how you feel" because no one knows how another feels; "it was his time" and "he's in a better place." Those statements imply judgments perhaps not shared by the parent.
So many people avoid the issue and don't even mention it. It's just that they are afraid. But after going through it, I try to remind myself that it's about them, not me. And acknowledgment is comforting.
There have been some wonderful, comforting responses posted here.
My first child died when he was a tiny baby. Naturally, we were devastated. So many of the couples we were friends and acquaintances with also had babies and small children.
So many people were so very kind, and a simple I am sorry or some other gestures of kindness were so appreciated by us (food, memorial gifts, offers to help whenever and however).
The three don'ts that stick out in my mind:
1) Don't say nothing, as if nothing happened. If you can't think of anything to say, then a simple "I am sorry" will suffice.
2) Don't be afraid that of breaking down....there were many times when we hugged friends, relatives and acquaintances. It touched our hearts how much people cared. And for a time, we cried rivers of tears.
3) If people are relatively young (and still able to have children), please don't say "You can still have another child", or "Well at least you have two healthy children". Those statements create such pain.
I think this has been a really wonderful thread. I hope people will read it, and know from the numerous very thoughtful responses posted that there are many kind ways to respond to the death of a child or children.
I really appreciate the suggestions and stories here.
I have said to bereaved co-workers, "I was just thinking of ___ today. Just wanted you to know."
I will remember the suggestions of people who have both been bereaved and been with bereaved people and try my best to be helpful with them.
I have a co-worker that just 2 weeks ago she lost her son he decided to take his life away with a hang gun i really sorry for her dont have word to say to her she just came back to work and i feel bad cause i cant get near her and talk to her can u please give me some advice how i can talk to her.
I'm posting here as a childfree-by-choice person. I've encountered people with terrible losses, certainly among co-workers. I've told those co-workers (after the sincere "I'm so sorry") that I will not bring up their loss at work, but they should feel free to talk to me at work or outside it if they want to.(I assume that no one wants to be blindsided by opening the fresh wound while at work). I also tell them that I'm not forgetting them and their loss for a minute, but that I won't bring it up at work.
One co-worker lost 14 family members in the Haitian earthquake. Sometimes when I walk past her, I just rub her shoulder or a little touch that seems appropriate,
Thank you for letting me post on this forum.
This was posted three years ago, but I just read this. It's really excellent advice. Everyone grieves differently. Some people don't want others bringing it up. If they're doing well, they don't need the reminder. If they're not doing well, they don't need to crumble in a public place. If you let them know you are there and they can come to you, they won't be blindsided by questions. If you feel you must ask a question, just say, "How are you doing?" without embellishment. That gives the person a chance to brush it off with "fine" if they don't want to talk about it. I personally prefer my grief to be out of sight and out of mind. It's the only way I can cope. Everyone is different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VVASQUEZ10
I have a co-worker that just 2 weeks ago she lost her son he decided to take his life away with a hang gun i really sorry for her dont have word to say to her she just came back to work and i feel bad cause i cant get near her and talk to her can u please give me some advice how i can talk to her.
I wouldn't bring it up at work. My coworker had a miscarriage. Our boss warned everyone at the company that she asked nobody bring it up at work when she returned. She did not want to be confronted by people giving their condolences. Send a card to her home address. There are quite a few excellent examples of what to write in the card.
Get a nice card and tell her how sorry you are for her loss. Tell her how you feel about her and for her to please call you anytime if she needs anything, including a shoulder to cry on.
Three years ago my 10 year old nephew died quite unexpectedly. He was my sister's child, and even though this is my sister, there are and were times I still don't know what to say. The questions most people have is "Do I bring it up? Do I mention him?" I can guarantee you that mentioning the child will not be bringing things up that a parent was not thinking about. It will not make matters worse. A parent that has recently, or even not so recently, lost a child will continue to think of that child daily for years. Having seen people grieving spouses, friends, parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. I can tell you that the grief of losing a child is like no other grief.
That said, the best thing you can say is a very sincere, "I'm sorry." A physical gesture such as a touch on the arm or a hug adds meaning to what you are saying. Follow up with a meaningful, "What can I do for you? Would you like to talk? I will listen." Let the grieving parent run the show so to speak.
The other thing, if this is a friend, is to remember the anniversaries: birthdays, holidays, the date of the death. Extend kindness on those days. Again, I guarantee that the parent is thinking of the child at those times. You will not be making things worse. Acknowledging that you too remember the child is important. A simple, "I'm thinking of you. How are you?" is all that is needed.
The worst thing you can say, "I can only imagine how you feel" or something similar. Truthfully, you cannot imagine how the parent feels.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
