Toxic People ... How Do You Deal With Them? (men, emotion, everything)

[Hawkeye48]

When I'm around them I try to be as polite as possible, I'll say hello and answer any direct question they ask me but I avoid them as much as I can. And I never actively engage them in conversation.

[tet tea]

Thanks for all the feedback!

Unfortunately, I cannot "eliminate" this person from my life. I am, however going to make bigger steps in avoiding as much contact with them as I can. My next hurdle is to try and avoid all the conversations in which this person is a regular topic! This is going to be hard, as I'm sure you all know what family are like!

[Padgett2]

Once I had the nerve to say to such a person, "is there absolutly NOTHING in your life that is good?" or words to that effect. Maybe if we said that often enough to these people it would change the way that they looked at things. Maybe! Old habits are so hard to change and a poor attitude is one of the worse!

I've wondered that if we reminded them everytime they started their gripe, that the sun still shines and we are luckier than the people bedridden in Nursing Homes, then, maybe they would avoid us.

[2beamissourian]

I have 3 - my mother , brother, sister ........

mother is bipolar sister is a meth head and my brother is an alcoholic ........ I dont call I dont go to family get together ......... I just removed myself all together .......... my brother in law has contacted me begging me to come around etc ..NOPE! My mom will call about 1 x a month and say something totally stupid and mean ..just for the sake of feeling she is "more than me"
she called the other day to tell me I look ugly .......... and my sister and brother call to borrow money always different phone numbers.
No thanks ... I just stay away ..the first few months was hard but its been about 2 years now and its easier and easier ....
I am hoping to leave the area ...and just remove them all together..

[JessD]

My father is verbally abusive. I love him and I feel extremely obligated to him (after all he is my father), but I know that I will never be emotionally healthy with him in my life. No matter how many great things he did for me and no matter how many happy memories I have of him (sadly, not many), the way he treated me and the things he said to me are unforgivable; no child deserves what my siblings and I went through. The damage is done and I don't think it can ever be repaired. I have no desire to salvage what is left of our relationship; I don't think he deserves to have me in his life. It hurts like hell, but I know that in order to break the cycle of abuse (if I have children someday) and to have the life I want for myself (and healthy relationships) then he can't be around to destroy my self-esteem. I also have many other family members that are negative, selfish, and self-destructive. These relationships do not benefit me in any way, therefore; I see no point in keeping these people in my life if they don't care enough about me, and our relationship, to change. If I have kids in the future, I certainly don't want them around these people, being influenced by them. You have to do what is best for you, even if that means hurting others. Inevitably some relationships in our lives have to be sacrificed because they hold us back and cause nothing but pain and resentment. You can never be free until you remove that dead weight from your shoulders.

[MB2]

Originally Posted by tet tea

I'm pretty sure that most of us know at least one toxic person in their life. How do you deal with these people especially if they are family? I've tried physically and mentally removing myself, but it's getting harder and harder.

I've always been a "glass is half full" type of person, but here lately being around such negativity is making me feel so aggravated and down.

I know you can change yourself but it is basically impossible to change someone else, especially if they are toxic.

If anyone has any great words of wisdom or advice I'd love to hear it! My upbeat is being beaten down

Like you have said...trying to remove yourself is the best, safest thing.
And, if that is not possible, for whatever reason, I mentally brace myself, go into a "trance like" state, and have all of their comments, snide remarks...whatever it is, bounce of of me, without having it reach my brain to register, aknowledged or processed.
I just get really cold, emotionless, when I HAVE to deal with people like that.
Health, sanity and happiness are the most important thing for self survival, and has NOTHING to do with selfishness.
You should try it, and keep on thinking happy thoughts, as well as staying POSITIVE!
It works!

[tet tea]

Update ...

Thanks to some great advice here on CDF, I have successfully managed to keep a good distance between myself and the toxic peeps! Only on get-togethers do I have to tollerate them.

It hasn't been easy since the mud gets flung behind your back. I don't work that way and am very upfront. Finally these people know that I don't play their games and couldn't give two hoots. By ignoring all their childishness they quickly fill their empty lives by turning on one another in various ways.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice and shared their toxic relationship experiences. I hope those that are still having problems manage to find a way to rise above it all.

[cremebrulee]

HAH...after twelve years....my ex contacted me through email...he's remarried, and playing his less then moral games again....how did I deal with it....wrote him back, and was less then polite, very few words, "Do not contact me again". I would love to plaster his name all over the internet....

but I know better then to do anything in anger, that is how toxic he is.
If he continues to believe it's ok to contact me, I will not hesitate to contact his wife, mother, sister....wonder how they would feel if they knew he was contacting me....and by the way...saved the email and my response.

I drink a lot of ice tea...this man drugged me so that I wouldn't wake up at night while he went out....he, I found out, was cheating on me since the beginning...and I had no clue...this man, used my son and his friends to get work done at his cabin and our house, and gave them nothing back in return....didn't take any of us anywhere to say thank you...found fault with everybody....especially me....he almost drove me nuts....his father and uncle taught him it is the Italian tradition to run around, as long as you give your wife everything...and yet, nothing...no emotion, no vacations...had a path to work and to the grocery store....he went on constant hunting trips....his women were looking right thru the front window of our home...he brought women there and to his cabin...sheeesh, forgive me, but, his email brought it all back....not to mention...the hurt he caused my son....my son loved him and respected him. He had the nerve to give my son a gun which was his fathers, and after he left, asked for it back...can you imagine what my son felt like? You give something to someone, it's theirs...is how I was raised?

That man is dispicable scum...you'd think, after the lives he's so destroyed, including his own, he'd learn....he really needs to get long term counseling....he appartently has no consciense, and right out of the air, he expected me to be happy to hear from him...and to have the nerve to say, "Say hello to your son for me"??????? He's nuts...my son was literally jerked into a cruel reality when we split. My son, not only loved him, but trusted him, as I did. You don't mess with people's lives like that...you grow up and accept responsibility as an adult.

And his mother condoned his actions...."oh, he's just like his father, he'll never change".

So, since then, and right up until today, toxic people I stay away from, and if they don't get the hint, I have no regrets being rude.



sorry to be so, so, you know...

Just wish I'd have left him way sooner...kicked him out once in the beginning...should have never ever left him back in....my bad!!!!!

Creme

[Eastern Roamer]

If fazing them out your life is not an option, I recommend being there for the person, but in small enough doses that you can tolerate. Hear them out, and think of it as your investment in Karma. Just be their friend.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Eastern Roamer

If fazing them out your life is not an option, I recommend being there for the person, but in small enough doses that you can tolerate. Hear them out, and think of it as your investment in Karma. Just be their friend.

WEll, I'll tell ya...you can feel sorry for someone so long, and then, enough, is enough...

I'm sorry I'm not more like you, but I've allowed MYSELF to be a victim way to oft, and it doesn't happen any longer in my life....

do I sound angry...? You betcha, cuz the people I'm talking about, has effected lives for years in a very bad way....hurt and lies...when someone gave them their hearts...trusted them with their spirit...their lives...I have no sympathy for my ex, none.....he created his own Karma, his own choices, and cared nothing for the hearts of others...only his gains, his gratitude...a very dicspicable man....whom I now loath....

sheesh, all this negative energy....I must forget about this and move on...when I got his email, it was like instant hate....and I don't like that emotion at all.