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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,037,872 times
Reputation: 11862
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At the risk of sounding like an angst-ridden teenager...
I have severe anxiety disorder, I feel just feel my life has been sabotaged in every way possible...even my hopes and dreams don't shine as brightly as they used to, and I feel it harder and harder to work up any enthusiasm for life. I'm not actually an overtly negative person, it's just fearing I will die almost every other day is wearing me down. Right now I feel faint, as if my body will just shutdown at any moment. Yes, I am taking medication and speaking to people about this. It's a weird thing where like, my obsessive thoughts have led me to think about my muscles/speaking way too much and now I feel I can't speak, and that my muscles might clamp up at any moment now. I feel I've been tense so long I just can't relax! Like I can't stop thinking about how tense my jaw, tongue, throat so I can't relax it!
Physically: it's like I'm totally consumed by this fear. Imagine constant anxiety throughout the day, lack of appetite, grinding headaches, my jaw literally feels like I've got tetanus, just feel like lying in bed but so agitated you can't sleep, feel like you want to scream but because of my weird psycho-somatic thing I can't just SHOUT! I'd like more than anything to just let it all out but I can't! Sorry if this sounds like a sob story.
So much so I find myself spending wayyy too much time here on city data because I can't do anything else. It's become a compulsion. Today I spent 6-7 hours: this is typical. Some days I spent 10 hours posting/reading threads, or if not that watching videos, browsing, or chatting. Sometimes I try to go out, but I live in the middle of boring suburbia in an isolated city. I just feel really sensitive, too fragile for this life. Life seems hollow and painful...I know part of it is the anxiety/depression talking, I wish it wasn't so. I'm just so fed up with it. I remember a year ago when I had a panic attack just telling my mother I wish I'd never been born, but that I didn't want to die. The other night I had an intense nightmare where I felt an almost supernatural fear, an existential angst. A fear of death, oblivion, fighting against the human condition. I feel the plight of humanity. I know I don't have it as bad as some, but the world just seems so full of pain sometimes. What people look forward to: a career, a life partner: I can't find much joy in anymore. I would like to find somebody, but not in this current state, of course.
Has anyone here often felt this way? That it's better that we had never been born than live a short, empty and meaningless life only for it to be snuffed out?
Trimac, my heart truly goes out to you! To answer your question, no, but I think everyone has doubts about why they are here or what their purpose is.
I'm glad you are seeing someone, (a professional?) about this condition. The advice I'm about to give can be ignored or pondered as you see fit. It may sound harsh, but it is not meant to be.
Is it possible to venture out of your cycle of self-absorption just a little? You've heard it many times I'm sure, but when we look for ways to help others, we lose sight of ourselves. Your perspective tells me that you are aware that others may have a harder time than you, but is there something you can do to alleviate another's plight? Maybe you do, but I didn't see it in your post.
Yes, there is immense suffering throughout the world, but you can not let it consume you! We would all be basket cases if we concentrated on only the bad and evil that's out there.
My last suggestion, (take it or leave it), is to find comfort in faith. I did not say religion, but the faith that there is a higher power. Approach that power with a humble spirit, and simply ask for help.
Okay, I didn't mean to ramble on or preach. But, I want you to have peace in your soul. We aren't meant to be in a constant state of confusion or anxiety. I wish you comfort.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,037,872 times
Reputation: 11862
^ Yes religion is mixed up in all that too...I am planning to volunteer again, actually, I think it's very helpful. I was going to ring but then I had a really bad bout this week so I'm postponing it yet again.
Thanks for your concern. People tell me I just need to distract myself. Without city-data and the internet, I think I'd actually be worse, even though internet addiction is not a good thing either.
Me again. I forgot to add that it's very important to do something for yourself; it's not at all 'selfish', if that makes any sense. Surely there's a hobby or activity that you find enjoyable. I didn't mean to say that only a focus on others would cure all that ails you. Continued good wishes to you.
I feel this way often. When I was in high school, I was in and out of the psych ward more times than I can count. I had serious social anxiety, if someone even looked at me (okay, exaggeration) I would be on the verge of a panic attack. I constantly wanted to die. When I was younger, I had all sorts of dreams, but as I got older, everything I hoped for seemed unattainable. I use the internet far more than an average person, I would say that on average, I spend between 8 and 12 hours online everyday. I don't really feel like I want to die anymore, but I constantly feel like the world would be a better place if I was never born.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,037,872 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcd637
I feel this way often. When I was in high school, I was in and out of the psych ward more times than I can count. I had serious social anxiety, if someone even looked at me (okay, exaggeration) I would be on the verge of a panic attack. I constantly wanted to die. When I was younger, I had all sorts of dreams, but as I got older, everything I hoped for seemed unattainable. I use the internet far more than an average person, I would say that on average, I spend between 8 and 12 hours online everyday. I don't really feel like I want to die anymore, but I constantly feel like the world would be a better place if I was never born.
That's sad. Well blame the Universe for putting you here! Lol. If it makes you feel better there are probably people who are a real drain on society, haha, jk.
That's sad. Well blame the Universe for putting you here! Lol. If it makes you feel better there are probably people who are a real drain on society, haha, jk.
Haha, that was probably a bit of an overstatement.
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...I'm a Skyrim addict. Whatever egg I came from, it was the wrong egg....I know that at least!
