Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know what other thread this belongs in, but I'm feeling very guilty today, and I'm starting to have doubts about the quality of my personality, my integrity, my likeability, etc.
Yesterday, I went to a concert. I found out about a Meetup group in the area that was organizing a get-together, and since I don't really have many friends in this area who are interested in this particular type of music, I RSVPd to the meetup, left my number with the organizer, and we arranged to meet at a particular location.
Eight people had RSVPd, so I expected a large group to congregate. As I approached the meeting spot, I only saw one man standing there - about 40-50 years old (I'm in my mid-20s), he was extremely awkward - think 40 Year Old Virgin. I was surprised because you normally would not see someone like this at this concert.
We started up the typical "getting to know you" conversation and I realized no one else was coming. It was just us two. As we waited in line with a bunch of other people my age, he stood REALLY close to me and was talking loudly, asking me a dozen questions about myself. People were shooting us odd glances, probably because they were surprised this guy was attending this concert and we looked like a really odd couple. I tried to ignore the glances, but at some point they did start to wear on me. He also would not take the hint when I'd step away or lean back slightly. I need my personal space and when someone crosses those barriers, I start to shut down.
As we waited for the concert to start, it went on and on. He kept talking and talking and talking... about everything under the sun. I kept my answers brief, fully aware that I was probably making an awkward situation even more so, but only wanting to get out of the situation. Finally, I told him I was going to go to the ATM and buy a drink, and that I'd be back. Let's just say, I never went back. I sent him a text saying I was stuck in a long line (which I was) and that I'd be sitting on the hill behind the stage because my feet hurt, and that I'd find him "a little later." I never bothered to.
Today, I'm feeling bad because I was the bad guy in this situation - not to mention that this guy probably goes through this stuff a lot. I can just tell by his demeanor that he doesn't have much luck in social situations. I'm an empath, and very sensitive so if anyone would be sympathetic to his situation, it should be me --- but yesterday I just wanted to get away. I spent the rest of the concert by myself and I had a blast, and I can't say it would've been the same if I had hung around him all night, having my ear talked off.
What would you have done? What would've been the appropriate way to handle this situation? When I am uncomfortable around people, I'd rather be by myself. But I feel horrible that I possibly ruined someone else's night in the process. Hurting other people's feelings never sits well with me, and the fact that I did this with full knowledge that it wasn't nice to the other person really makes me question a lot of things about myself.
Sometimes it's tough to figure out who's feelings are more important. It's good to be empathetic to others, but I've learned (the hard way) that sometimes when we worry too much about other people's feelings we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of.
There may have been a better way to handle the situation, but I honestly cannot think of a tactful way to remove yourself from that situation.
Sure, I feel bad for the guy, but you have a right to enjoy your time and clearly you were not enjoying this guys company.
I am often baffled that some people are so oblivous to the signals (body languag etc) that others give off.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. I am curious to read what other responses you receive and if anyone has a good suggestion on how to handle such a situation.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
Reputation: 11862
It is a tough one. Sometimes it hurts to be honest, as well as being darn difficult to muster up the courage to say what we're really thinking. It's especially frustrating when somebody doesn't take the hint...how long was it until the concert was to begin? I mean couldn't you put with him just for a little while? Just pretend to listen, and nod, even if you're not really, that's what I would've done. Then when the concert began he would hopefully shut up. If not, you could tell him to politely shut up (as in, 'I'm kind of listening to the music, could we talk later?'). It was a little dishonourable of you, but just take it as a lesson and don't beat yourself over it. I don't think you're a bad person, I mean you feel so bad about it (I would've too), so don't let it get you too down. We don't always do the 'right' thing in life, we learn as we go along.
If you haven't already, what might help ease your guilt would be to contact the guy and tell him the truth and nothing but the truth and apologize sincerely. If he's understanding, he'll forgive you, I think, and appreciate your honesty. If he holds it against you and never wants to see you, well, at least your conscience is clear. Maybe he will understand and not talk so much and you two might end up friends after all?
Location: West Los Angeles and Rancho Palos Verdes
13,583 posts, read 15,649,867 times
Reputation: 14049
You were honest with him in your actions. You did not cheat or steal from him.
You told a little lie to him, but it was not intended to hurt him. In fact, it was kind of you to lie to him rather than simply abandon him.
I too have encountered these sorts of people. They are a mystery to me as well. I do not think you could have done anything at the time to help him become any less awkward, with the exception perhaps of hiring him a hooker for the evening, but that's probably a bit out of scope for the discussion.
Thanks for the input. And yea, I like to think of my little white lie as a way to let him down easily. I'd rather have him think we just got lost in the shuffle than feel like I ditched him (even if that's what I really did do). But who knows, he probably didn't buy it anyway. I'm sure he's been through this stuff before. I don't really want to drag on the situation by emailing him... is that selfish? We're not going to end up friends and to be honest, I don't want to. I used to think I had an obligation to be friends with EVERYBODY. That got me nowhere but overextended, and in unfulfilling all give, no take friendships. I don't have to be friends with anyone I don't want to, I guess I just have to learn how to turn down people in a more tactful manner.
I suppose I could've stuck it through until the show started. We had an entire hour to go, and my mood was already becoming a bit sour. I just have no patience in certain scenarios. Oh well. I will do my best to handle it in a more tactful manner next time.
Location: West Los Angeles and Rancho Palos Verdes
13,583 posts, read 15,649,867 times
Reputation: 14049
Sometimes we need to carefully balance loving others with loving ourselves. If somebody is taking too much and not giving you anything, IMO, it's okay to consider your own feelings and mental well-being rather than worrying too much about somebody who can be socially parasitic.
I think that your instincts told you exactly what to do. You did it. Look, you don't know this guy. You don't know what he's capable of. You are fine, intact and here on CD able to talk about it. You feel bad about it, that's a good thing. It shows that you have a conscience and a good heart. You simply felt like the guy was too much for you and you disappeared. That's not a bad thing.
I guess I just have to learn how to turn down people in a more tactful manner.
An empath sometimes feels others feelings as their own...did it occur to you that he might have been trying to get rid of you and invaded your space so you would shoo?
But if your question is how to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations so people won't look your way... listen to the talker for a couple minutes then when asked a question just say...
"Hey (add a smile) it was good meeting you, enjoy the concert..." (reach out to shake his hand with the other placed on his shoulder) wait for him to shake your hand (or not) then casually walk away.
Or...
smile, interrupt and state "there's someone I have to say hello to but enjoy the concert"... walk away in a casual manner, nodding a hello to others to keep it truthful and keep walking.
The guy might have spoken loud because he was nervous, wanted to appear that he wasn't alone to others and therefore acceptable, hadn't had anyone to talk to for months etc etc.
When we feel bad it's usually because we could have done something more in line with our values without creating pain... so you panicked? thinking others thought you were on a date with an old dude maybe? and again for an empath, thoughts/feelings of a crowd around you are usually hard to deal with. Others looking at you starts to feel like a tidal wave building up, overwhelming and panic sets in.
Me? I'll usually tell a bad joke walking up to an uncomfortable situation like...
"No one but us? I knew that new deodarant wasn't going to work! How about you stand here with me a few minutes then I'm gonna bounce" (giving a time limit and lowering expectations of us hanging out.)
After introductions say "well I've tortured you long enough... hey, enjoy the show! (laugh with a nod and wave) saying cya! (and force yourself to walk away casually...)
Don't worry about it. Unless you are so committed to take this guy on a complete project (think social makeover), you invested enough time. If he's as bad as you say, I'm sure he's used to being abandoned.
Anyway that the other 6 who RSVP'ed silently backed out after he sent his rsvp?
Don't worry about it. Unless you are so committed to take this guy on a complete project (think social makeover), you invested enough time. If he's as bad as you say, I'm sure he's used to being abandoned.
Anyway that the other 6 who RSVP'ed silently backed out after he sent his rsvp?
I wondered about them... it was my first meetup, but he is a regular in that group, and so were a few other people who RSVPd. Today I looked at the "past meetups" section and noticed he had rated a lot of meetups as 1 star because people wouldn't contact him, or would back out at the last second. So it seems to me he has a reputation within the group. I wish he would move on and find a group that embraces him more instead of trying to force himself on a group of people 20 years his junior, that he really has nothing in common with.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
