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Originally Posted by KsStorm
What are the signs? I have studied a bit of psyc, and do have someone in mind. I am looking for both symptoms and examples...please & thank you!!
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I'm an armchair psychologist myself. Pathological Narcissism already encompasses the "sociopath" (meaning having no empathy for others) part. A narcissist has zero empathy and enjoys having power over and emotionally hurting others, thinks he/she is the smartest/cleverest/most gifted/best looking human ever born, always shows an unflagging self confidence, expects/needs riches and social status, and has an uncanny ability to manipulate others.
The best way to understand pathological narcissism is by reading the stories of their victims, which the internet now has in abundance. We all know about the guy who thinks he knows everything, and has to be the center of attention (most politicians and business leaders fall into this category). But there is another type of narcissist that you probably won't recognize immediately: the covert narcissist.
I'm only aware of it because a close friend of mine had a very nasty and life-altering experience with a female covert narcissist that started back in high school. This guy and his wife are still close friends with my spouse and I, and I got to watch much of this story unfolding before me. Aside from violent sadists and sociopaths, pathological narcissists are probably the most dangerous and destructive people you will ever meet.
Back in high school my friend (I'll call him John) was targeted by a female covert narcissist (I'll call her Jane) who from the beginning showed a strong attraction to him, and very quickly acted like she was madly in love with him. In school she sought him out whenever possible, confided all the details of her life (except for emotions), asked him to join her on private walks instead of being part of a larger group of friends, stared lovingly into his eyes, and gave all the "come hither" body language and flirty mannerisms of a teenage girls in love for the first time. They flirted for about 6 weeks before John asked her out on a date, whereupon she brought up the one detail about her life that she had neglected to mention--she had a boyfriend who went to another school. Was this the end of it? Amazingly, no.
Jane continued to act as she had before, being even more affectionate and sympathetic when he tried to cut back contact. John concluded that she liked him a lot, and would eventually would break up with the boyfriend she almost never saw. For the entire senior year, Jane continued to act madly in love with John--and ONLY him. He continued to ask her out, and every time she would hem and haw as if she MIGHT say yes, but in the end the answer was always "I can't" and "It wouldn't be right" as if she simply couldn't cheat on her boyfriend, no matter how much she was tempted. He tried to find out whether she really wanted to date him but felt she shouldn't (as she implied), or she was just giving excuses since she didn't want to, but nothing he asked could get her to say one way or the other.
Jane had strange rules for their "relationship," which much later a psychologist identified as an "Emotional Affair." Jane forbade him from calling her at home--but gave him her home phone number. She wouldn't allow him to see her outside of school, or to drive her home (unless she was really stuck). When he argued that she went to the Mall on weekends with her platonic male friends Mike and Todd, she replied with a knowing smile "You're not Mike or Todd"--indicating she knew very well he was romantic interest rather than just a friend.
Her rules allowed her to continue to claim that she wasn't encouraging his romantic attentions--even though everyone who saw them together could see she was. When he was not around, she made it clear to everyone that she thought he wasn't good enough to be her boyfriend, and she was just being nice. Even though John was popular, good looking and an honors student, Jane wanted everyone to think he was just one of many who were madly in love with her--again typical of narcissists.
When he graduated high school (she had a year to go) she invited him to visit her where she would be working that summer, a small local coffee shop. The other clerks (all from the same high school) would announce his visits with "Jane, your boyfriend's here!" upon which she would coyly smile and commence flirting. At the end of the summer, John was in the coffee shop having coffee when a stranger sat next to him. When "Jane" (not her real name) got called to the back, the stranger turned to John and said, "That girl
really likes you! I'm older than you--I can tell! You've got to ask her out!" Her romantic interest was obvious even to strangers after a mere couple of minutes. After telling the man she was NEVER going to go out with him, John realized what he was saying was true, and that it was not healthy to keep seeing her.
I will point out here that Jane's boyfriend (who went to a very exclusive and expensive private school) was from a VERY rich family. John was from a working-class family and had to work for anything he got. And the girl was from a poor family. John did not fault Jane for not wanting to spoil her chance at a rich husband by getting involved with him--even just to go out on a few dates. He didn't understand that her motivation was narcissistic (I'm too good for any but the richest husband) rather than a simple wish for security.
John found a girlfriend and over the next two years only saw Jane twice--both times as a result of her unexpectedly showing up at a gathering of John's friends, without her boyfriend. Both times she made herself hard to ignore--once even siting next to John with his girlfriend sitting on the other side. He was civil but did not engage her in conversation. Now in his Junior year of college, John had broken up with his girlfriend when he ran into a friend who volunteered that Jane had just started at the same college. The friend said she had mentioned she "missed him a lot" (using friends to drop hints if they run into the victim is another classic narcissist trick).
Hoping she had finally broken up with the boyfriend, he visited her sorority and caused quite a flurry of interest from the other girls (Jane wasn't there, and John was now strikingly handsome). He returned for a second visit and when she saw him she said in (mock) surprise "Oh! It's you! I couldn't imagine who it could be!" (as if she had totally forgotten their relationship two years earlier). John took this for the put-down that it was, and with so much time away from her, suddenly snapped out of what he later described as "the hypnotic trance" that she had always induced with constant loving eye contact (apparently the "look into my eyes" of traditional hypnotism isn't just a myth). He later realized she was angry that he hadn't responded to her those two times when he was with his girlfriend. As soon as Jane saw him lose his look of adoration, though, she again poured on the charm, while asking him (again) to go for a private walk (she didn't like all the attention he was getting from the other girls).
In his non-trance state, he spent about an hour with her, and left with the realization that she was a very boring person who had no interests or views on anything of importance--not exactly a good match for someone as intellectually brilliant and well-read as he was. This is another trait of the covert female narcissist: they offer no ideas or views of their own (which might cause conflict or disagreement), but simply pretend to be exactly like the victim, agreeing with everything he says and does. They pretend to be the perfect soulmate, identical to the victim, but in the form of the attractive opposite sex.
Jane went back to his girlfriend and later graduated and married her without seeing "Jane" again. But he was not really over Jane, with the reality of a real-life relationship paling beside the illicit thrill and fantasy of perfection that the emotional affair had provided. About 15 years later, he was re-connecting with several old college friends, and on a whim got her address and sent her a letter to show her had "made it" professionally and financially. He included his phone number and address, but she did not write back. Then came the 30th High School Reunion, which he indicated he would attend (with his spouse of 25 years) via Facebook, and shortly afterwards her name too showed up on the list of expected attendees.
John was on an emotional high as he prepared for the reunion, and his wife decided to let him talk to Jane in the hopes the fantasy would dissolve. That was a mistake. When John went for a drink, Jane went to him, sat him down with her in an intimate corner, and started weaving the spell again. She had never married the rich boyfriend, but found a rich doctor instead (he had stayed home, which was unusual for a class reunion). She confided all the details of her life to him, leaving out any reference to the husband except to say that they were "in a transition period" and that "if anything happened, I'd move back here." Both implied possible divorce. By the end of the night John was again hooked. Her rapt attention and adoring gaze was like a drug, producing a huge high. Then she was gone, and he had no reason to see her or talk to her again. He was deeply depressed.
Three weeks later, without talking to his wife, he wrote Jane a very long letter, pouring out his heart once again, telling her how he had never stopped thinking about her and worrying about her, how she had broken his heart, and how he wanted just to keep in touch with her--nothing so demanding as an actual friendship, just a call every so often to see how she was doing. The minute he dropped the letter in the mail, he snapped back out of the "hypnotic state" he had been in since the Reunion. He realized he was playing her game EXACTLY as it had always been played in high school--a time that left him deeply depressed and scarred emotionally. And he knew immediately that he would get an answer to his letter, but it would deny anything he asked for (because cruel fate prevents her from following her heart and granting his request).
Here's the narcissist game as John describes it: she provides adoration and rapt attention when they are together. He rewards her by laying out his heart, and then requests further attention (a date, or later in life, calling privileges). She replies by denying him his request, but indicates that someday, in the future, he will be rewarded--so long as he keeps playing the game. All power must ALWAYS lie with the narcissist. The narcissist controls every step of the process and makes all the rules. The narcissist needs adoration, but also needs the power rush of saying "no," as well as constant acknowledgement by the victim that the narcissist holds the power. The more the victim suffers, the better the narcissist feels.
Six weeks later, John went to his home mailbox and found exactly the letter he had predicted (he even predicted the timing--it took him 3 weeks to send his letter, and she would wait twice as long to reply). It was pure luck that his wife had not picked up the mail first--especially since she had no idea any of this was going on. It was a very long letter that started out by apologizing for the delay in replying, claiming that she had no idea "how much" he liked her, rambling on about all the details of her life as if writing to a dear friend, and concluding with her denial of his request for future contact, because she wanted to keep things the way they were. For now.
John made an appointment with a psychologist and described the situation, giving her both letters. The psychologist explained the term "Emotional Affair." She read Jane's letter, looked up at John, and said "This is utterly bizarre." She advised John to seek counseling immediately if he was ever tempted to contact Jane again, to walk away without saying a word if he happened to run into her, and if she attempted to contact him, to hang up the phone or rip up the letter before reading it. She told him to NOT tell his wife about the existence of either letter (John told her anyway).
John and his wife eventually got over the trauma that John's letter had caused--it was incredibly hurtful for his wife to read about John professing a lifelong obsession with a woman who had treated him very badly, after she had loved and been married to him for the whole time (and had never loved another man). But the benefits of finally having John finally see Jane for what she is, when before he had been unable to even entertain the idea that she was anything but perfect, was a huge improvement.
John doesn't think he can ever fall into Jane's narcissist's net again, now that he understands her complete lack of empathy, and sick need to hurt others to make herself feel important. He says that Jane's games were like a dangerous drug that produces a massive high, followed inevitably by a huge crash that sends you depths you never imagined could exist--a crash that only ends when the drug (the narcissist's game) comes again. He encourages me to share his story (without naming names) in the hopes that others can learn and recognize the narcissist's manipulation before major harm is done.
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