Agoraphobic Roommate? I'm going to go NUTS! (rant) (anxiety, depressed, mentally)

[deecbee]

I'm so freaking fed up... I'm trying to keep in mind that my roommate might have a serious problem, and I'm trying not to judge so harshly, but day in and day out of the same thing is really starting to wear on me.

I live with 3 roommates, the most recent roommate got here about a month and a half ago. She is from Great Britain, I think here on a tourist visa, and is trying to... actually, I don't know what she's trying to do. Anyway, she rarely ever leaves the house. I'm not home all the time, but between my other roomates and I, we've figured out that unless she has to go to work, she does not leave the house. She works 2 days a week, any other time she is tethered to the couch or her bed, or the bathroom.

On the days that any of us have off, here's what she does (in this order):

- Wake up at 1-2pm. We'll make small talk with her and she'll talk about what shes up to that day - hanging out with a friend or going to run errands, she'll say.

- Go into the bathroom and spend 1-2 hours in there, leaving only when someone knocks on the door to use the restroom. (She'll leave, but only to stand outside and wait until that person is done, then she goes right back in.)

- Try on 5-6 different outfits verrrrrry slowly in front of the mirror. She stands there and smooths every crease, looks at herself from 20 different angles for about 15 minutes, then repeats with the next outfit.

- Puts on a full face of makeup

- Gets into the shower (this is AFTER she has already done herself up completely) Spends another hour or so in the bathroom

- Does the whole "getting ready" routine all over again

- Spends 30 minutes searching underneath couches, looking around on the floor as if she's lost something.

- Goes back into the bathroom for another hour or so.

And in the end, she doesn't even step outside of the house! She'll usually end up on the couch or in her room on her laptop until the wee hours of the next morning. And when she actually DOES manage to leave the house after this whole charade, she's back in 15 minutes. I'm not even joking here.

There's also the issue of hygiene. She does not do laundry and there's a smell that comes from herself and her room. Not overpowering, but not good. There's definitely a "smell" she's brought into the house.

I will admit that her behavior really friggin irritates me. Our roommate schedules before left each of us with enough alone time at the house, but now we are always fighting for the bathroom and she's always THERE. What the heck?! How do I talk to her about this stuff?

[ShellNic]

What sort of arrangement did you have prior to her moving in? Did you know her beforehand? Just curious...

My husband suffers from agoraphobia and he doesn't really exhibit any of the actions you described...although I'm no expert on the subject matter.

She sounds depressed - maybe homesick? And she may very well suffer from some intestinal thing if she's smelly and is in the bathroom all the time. Maybe the makeup thing is her way of "pretending" to get ready to have the life she thinks she should have???

If I was going to talk to her, I'd ask a few questions so I could then figure out how to resolve the issues. Oh, and how is she paying for rent and bills? Is she on time with that?

Points I'd want to cover: respecting bathroom time, respecting general alone time in the house, contributing to her laundry needs, using air freshener, asking if she might need some help etc. You know, if she's from the UK, maybe she doesn't know all the resources that might help her out...maybe you can help her that way.

I'd definitely want more information...

[exscapegoat]

Hmm, it's kind of tough to say anything about her not leaving the place, even though it's really annoying not to have any alone time at home. Tying up the bathroom is definitely a valid issue, that's not fair to the rest of you and when you or one of the other roomies get in, you shouldn't have to feel the pressure of her hovering outside. The laundry is definitely a valid issue too as the smell is affecting the rest of the roomies, but a rather sensitive one. Is the laundry in the apartment, in the building? Or do you have to go all of the way outside to a laundromat? Maybe invite her with you if it's a laundry room in the building or a laundromat?

[AZgarden]

How long is the tourist visa good for? If it expires soon, I would just put up with it. If its a lengthy time and you cannot take it, then I would ask her what her plans are for the future. Try to pin her down as to when she will be leaving. Are you able to ask her to find another place to live, saying that the arrangement "does not seem to be working out for all of you." I am sure none of this is easy for you but why suffer? Its your life too.

[dragonborn]

She does sound depressed. The laundy issue ties in with her fear of going out. Why don't you offer to help her and go with her to do her laundry? It's a horrible rut to be stuck in, but perhaps she just needs some encouragement. Even to this day, I have a fear of laundromats. I tend to go very late at night, never during the day at weekends.

[theluckygal]

Make sure her visa is not expired already. Did your landlord do a thorough check about her status in the country? Looks like she is hiding. Not a good sign. Confront your landlord & make sure her visa is not expired already.

[sarkaira]

She sounds just like my 33 year old sister. Who still hasn't even left home. I think the only way to describe them is 'weird'. I'm surprised your room mate even made it to america. My sister only leaves the house to travel 1 mile to work on a sunday were she works for 2 hours in the warehouse sorting through supermarket waste. My sis also locks herself in her room spending most of her time in bed or on the internet. She stinks, her room stinks and she's lives amid a pile of used sanitary towels. Its rank. Her drawers are full of takeaway boxes her dresser has cups which are growing an array of random molds. Its sick. There should be a name for this. And these people should be sectioned.

[Raena77]

Sounds like a form of ocd/depression. She needs help.

[robertpolyglot]

Not wanting to leave the house could very well be agoraphobia, but there is usually co-morbidity involved, such as depression and anxiety. When you mentioned not even taking care of herself and smelly person/smelly rooms, the problem is indeed serious. I don't know what kind of deal you have, but she needs help, and at the same time, you can't let it mentally "torture" you.

[brokensky]

Originally Posted by Raena77

Sounds like a form of ocd/depression. She needs help.

I agree - some form of OCD (not sure about the depression).

Could the odor be from vomit? B/c all the attention to dressing and all the time in the bathroom makes me think she is very focused on her body (maybe even dysmorphic) and the water running in the bathroom (as if she is taking a shower) is actually covering up the sounds of her self-inducing vomit.

So she could be bulemic, along with OCD. Not trying to diagnose but just giving you some idea of what signs to look for . . . seems the best thing to do is get her some professional help, but since you do not even know her that well . . . maybe the best you can hope for is to get her back home, where her family can get her the help it appears she needs.

As far as talking to her . . . there isn't much of a way to broach the subject except to say something about her tying up the bathroom for long periods of time, wh/ is not fair to other folks . . . and you can always (if feeling brave!) tell her that there is an odor coming from her room and you wonder if she has dirty laundry that needs taking care of. Or you could say - all the time you spend in the bathroom is making you wonder if she is bulemic.

I mean - what do you have to lose, really? Maybe if you just open up a conversation and let her know that others see and SMELL that something isn't right . . . ??? See where it goes . . .