Adopted Children, Are You Indebted? (anxiety, therapy, depressed, mom)

[Rj7237]

I was abused and neglected my biological parents. There's something about knowing my parents choose me. I feel like I have to prove my worth to my dad, and I feel like even when I succeed it's not good enough. I try hard, and fail. I got a 3.0 GPA and deemed it failure.

My dad has gambling problems, and is severely depressed. I feel like I owe him to not say anything to him. He knew what was best for me that I needed a father, not a sperm donor. I feel that I would be betraying and disrespecting him, if advised him to seek professional help.

I was wondering, if this feeling of debt I have to my dad and my late mother is normal for people who were adopted.

[imcurious]

I don't know but at least you are grateful and have a conscience and some manners - that's more than can be said for a lot of biological children. It sounds like you have a great character.

[Billy_J]

I have a friend who was adopted by just a mom. He does not feel any debt to his mom. When he was younger, he felt it was his duty to irritate her! (Normal kid. )

But now he has his own kids and they are giving it all back to him.

Anyway now as an adult, he just feels he was lucky to have his mom adopt him. He is thankful. No feeling of any debt. She is just his mom is all.

And his mom feels the same. Just that she is his mom. She does not expect anything more than a biological mom would. Same Same!

So far as fathers or friends who gamble, there is NOTHING you can do except tell them you don't approve. Or suggest they go to gambler's anonymous or counseling. If they don't want to quit and prefer to keep gambling, then nothing more anyone can do.

I have a better method. I understand the math and that over the long term gambling is a losing thing.

And I have a friend who gambles. Each time he goes out to go gambling, he says he needs to stop at the bank (to get gambling money). I say to him each time, "If you can make money at gambling, then you don't need to go to the bank. Just use the money you have won in the past!"

Or I will say, "If you can make money at gambling, then all you need is $20 to start gambling, then you can use your profits from then on to continue gambling!"

That seems to have sunk in over the years. He is gambling less and less now.

[AnywhereElse]

We adopted a child who is now an adult. The positive of adoption is in play for both the adoptive parent and the child being adopted. The parent(s) had a need for a child and the adoptive child needed a family. Oh, my dad smoked for years and it finally killed him and I tried everything to get him to stop because that was at the time all the information was coming out linking it to cancer. You cannot be the one to "save" your dad because he has to realize he has a problem and needs to get help for it. Is there anyone else that you could talk to about this and maybe they might be able to intervene in some way? Isn't there a group for teens or loved ones in general for those that have family members with addictive behavior? That might be a good way to learn to cope and what direction you could take.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by Rj7237

I was abused and neglected my biological parents. There's something about knowing my parents choose me. I feel like I have to prove my worth to my dad, and I feel like even when I succeed it's not good enough. I try hard, and fail. I got a 3.0 GPA and deemed it failure.

My dad has gambling problems, and is severely depressed. I feel like I owe him to not say anything to him. He knew what was best for me that I needed a father, not a sperm donor. I feel that I would be betraying and disrespecting him, if advised him to seek professional help.

I was wondering, if this feeling of debt I have to my dad and my late mother is normal for people who were adopted.

Believe that your adoptive parents wanted YOU..........not what you can do for them.....it's really quite sad that you care so much for your dad, yet are not comfortable talking with him.....you both sound like TALKING to each other about everything and anything...about how you feel,.... your hopes and dreams.... could prove to be the best therapy ,for your anxiety and doubts, and for your dad's depression...what have you to lose???...you're wrong about it being "betraying and disrespectful"...it's not that at all....it's called CAREING for someone....a show of love.....good luck Rj7237

[Aleister Crowley]

Don't feel bad about being adopted. I had to raise myself in a two parent home. My parents didn't want me and they were biological. Part of healing is reminding awful parents how completely incompetent they were. The kids I grew up who were adopted had much better families than I had. My mom used to threaten suicide with a knife claiming we didn't want or need her. I recently asked my mom (retired teacher) if her students knew how unstable her home life was. My family is so shameful I tell people I am an orphan.