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Conversely, they can also go the other way and have ZERO compassion for anyone. I remember reading about a woman whose mother was a drunk, and she was the person at her job to whom people came when they were injured and to fill out the incident reports. She said it was very hard for her to keep her mouth shut and not say, "Why didn't you just watch out where you were going?" She had no tolerance for accidents because in her world, accidents always happened when it was your own fault through drinking.
I wonder if that may have been something she heard when she was a child and got injured. My parents would vary. Sometimes there would be compassion, sometimes, "why don't you watch where you're going" or "I'll give you something to cry about" would be answers. If so, the fact that she learned it was inappropriate and learned to filter is pretty impressive.
One side of the family is very distorted when it comes to sympathy, empathy or compassion. Some of them are very sweet people, but even some of them will go out of their way to tramp down other people's feelings. One relative was telling people how to feel after a death in the family, including telling people not to cry. Now we weren't talking hysterical weeping, just dabbing the eye with a tissue. One relative is so competitive about who's got it rougher, another relative and I use the term "sorrow off" to describe the competition.
The secrets thing is weird, one side is constantly keeping secrets and denying things happened. The other side has trouble with alcohol and other substances too. But people talk more openly about it. Sometimes when I hear the weirdness for the people who go along with the secrets/denial, I feel like the mental health equivalent of Marilyn from the Munsters. I even mentally hum the theme song when it gets especially bat poo crazy.
Active alcoholics behave differently, just as all parents do. The ones who drink and then pass out but aren't necessarily abusive to their kids are unavailable, at best. Many times, the kids have to become the parent and take care of the alcoholic mom or dad and/or younger siblings. An active alcoholic's life revolves around drinking, first and foremost. The kids may get glimmers of what their parent is like when not drinking, and it's not unusual to hear of cycles of hope and disappointment when their parent stops drinking and then starts back again. All of this said, there is some research regarding the very genetics of alcoholism. I've heard it said that an alcoholic has a 50 percent chance of passing their genetics on to their offspring. One of the earmarks of alcoholism is that the alcoholic's body retains a chemical found in alcohol, and this retention creates a craving for more alcohol. A normal drinker's body passes all of this chemical out of his body. This physical trait could be passed on to the next generation, and that may be part of the reason that an alcoholic's child becomes an alcoholic himself (or herself.)
AA is at the forefront of recovery because the program outlined in AA works for those who want to get sober. Some may need medical intervention to get the alcohol out of their system, first, however. AA's 12 steps have been modified and used in countless other programs since the onset of AA. The thing about AA is that it's based on one alcoholic helping another. A recovering alcoholic can say to someone struggling to get sober, " I used to drink like you did, and I couldn't stop drinking once I started. Now, I haven't had a drink in XX years. This is how I did it. . . " That means a lot more to someone wanting to get sober than having someone who hasn't personally struggled with alcoholism preach to them or give them meaningless advice.
The family dynamics of alcoholics are pretty complex. It's more than just verbal, physical, sexual abuse and/or the addiction. There are all these roles that all of the members of such families play; the alcoholic, the enabler (mostly another parent), the golden child, the scapegoat, and on and on depending on how big the family is. All of these people work together to keep the family status quo and ignore the big problem and it takes quite a bit of their mental health, dignity and dependence of sorts to keep this thing going.
This affects children of alcoholics in serious ways, of which may not be visible to the rest of the world. They are taught not to think for themselves, they're taught that everything "wrong" in their family is "right" and thus they look for the same thing out in the world, not knowing that it's what's killing them inside. They're taught that they "need" their family in some way (either for enabling or continuing to enable toxic behavior themselves). They're taught that outsiders are just that, outsiders. They can't have one foot in or out of the circle. This all sounds intense, but deep down a lot of toxic families, especially those involving co-dependency and addiction, operate like this.
The girl I knew in college was NOT in denial. When I went over there, and her Dad would be rambling with me, she would roll her eyes and make deep sighs. I thought that the Mother's sudden death, a few years before, via a blood clot had brought on his alcoholism. I was told "heck, it was there when we were teenagers." How he kept his job as a commercial driver is beyond me.
There was an older son who was out of the picture - already married and with kids. The daughter, who I knew from college, was his "princess." No mistreatment whatsoever. However, it all seemed so normal to her, I guess, that she married a guy just like her Dad. Actually, he's worse, he's had problems with drugs.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 10-11-2012 at 11:04 AM..
The unmentioned elephant in the room, role reversals, injury or neglect of the children and the subsequent generational damage is present in both types of dysfunctional family systems. That there are recovery groups specific to alcoholics/substance abusers versus the more random versions of dysfunction and abuse is that it is far more common than it should be and is a decent organizing principle for groups or practices dedicated to recovery. Both victims of family dysfunction and abuse will need help to recover fully.
The family dynamics of alcoholics are pretty complex. It's more than just verbal, physical, sexual abuse and/or the addiction. There are all these roles that all of the members of such families play; the alcoholic, the enabler (mostly another parent), the golden child, the scapegoat, and on and on depending on how big the family is. All of these people work together to keep the family status quo and ignore the big problem and it takes quite a bit of their mental health, dignity and dependence of sorts to keep this thing going.
This affects children of alcoholics in serious ways, of which may not be visible to the rest of the world. They are taught not to think for themselves, they're taught that everything "wrong" in their family is "right" and thus they look for the same thing out in the world, not knowing that it's what's killing them inside. They're taught that they "need" their family in some way (either for enabling or continuing to enable toxic behavior themselves). They're taught that outsiders are just that, outsiders. They can't have one foot in or out of the circle. This all sounds intense, but deep down a lot of toxic families, especially those involving co-dependency and addiction, operate like this.
Excellent post! I was the scapegoat and my sibling was the golden child. Neither of us felt happy with those labels.
The girl I knew in college was NOT in denial. When I went over there, and her Dad would be rambling with me, she would roll her eyes and make deep sighs. I thought that the Mother's sudden death, a few years before, via a blood clot had brought on his alcoholism. I was told "heck, it was there when we were teenagers." How he kept his job as a commercial driver is beyond me.
There was an older son who was out of the picture - already married and with kids. The daughter, who I knew from college, was his "princess." No mistreatment whatsoever. However, it all seemed so normal to her, I guess, that she married a guy just like her Dad. Actually, he's worse, he's had problems with drugs.
She was the Golden Child then. That comes with it's own issues. Mistreatment is subjective. Favoring one child over another leads the favored child to be disliked and shunned by their family peers. Additionally, favoring one child over another disallows children to form their own independent relationship with family peers.
I'm not sure why you need to quantify one addiction over another as "worse".
She was the Golden Child then. That comes with it's own issues. Mistreatment is subjective. Favoring one child over another leads the favored child to be disliked and shunned by their family peers. Additionally, favoring one child over another disallows children to form their own independent relationship with family peers.
I'm not sure why you need to quantify one addiction over another as "worse".
From what I gather, it was injectable stuff, and not abuse of over the counter pills, from which he supposedly cleaned up, though. Going for a blood draw is a major event for me, so ...
At any rate, her brother and her were on good terms. There was enough of an age difference. It was the classic "big brother"/"little sister" rapport.
As stated above, the one that really weirded my out was the woman in the Bay Area, whose behavior went from normal well-educated adult to child like, complete with voice alteration. She was the oldest of 3 girls. To date, she has never married, and this was her general look (updated for the New Millenium), not that this matters. If someone is a royal pain, then looks don't matter. From what I could deduce, she was much more affected by her father's drinking than was the other girl I actually went to college with.
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