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I think that you included this sentence says a lot. You have no reason not to believe her that she cares about you, but DO you believe her? I'm divorced from a cheating spouse myself. We were only together for 5 1/2 years total, but I have a lot of anxiety about being left now. It is hard for me to feel secure in my relationships. My self esteem took a beating being left by the person I loved and I need a lot of reassurance now. If I don't hear from the person I'm dating for a few days I start to wonder if they changed their mind and if I'm about to be left again. I can only imagine how I might feel if I was dating someone long distance and I couldn't get those daily assurances. Do you think you might be feeling some of what I just described?
I think taking medicine to deal with missing your SO is way out of line. You need to address the root of why you're feeling the way you are and you need to redirect your thoughts. Stay busy. Spend time with friends, go to the gym, hobbies, working, whatever. And when you feel anxious remind yourself that your SO DOES care for you. Don't be needy and scare her, but be honest about your feelings. Good luck!
Thanks, I can see some of what you are talking about in our relationship but in a very minor way. Yes, I do believe her without doubt. We talk and text each other daily. I simply miss her and have a hard time dealing with that.
The situation is triggering your abandonment issues. I would address those root issues - I think EFT is the easiest, fastest way (and free on YouTube - try Brad Yates) - Put "abandonment EFT into the search engine.
It also sounds like your part of the relationship is predicated on "need" (which again, could be related to abandonment issues that go back to your childhood).
Also, I think you might be ignoring your intuition that is telling you this may not be the ideal relationship for you. That would cause anxiety.
No, I'm not ignoring it at all, in fact I stated in the OP that I never wanted to be in a long distant relationship but it worked out that I am and I just miss her when we are apart, I think it manifests as anxiety.
I am looking to find out how to control that anxiety without meds. I stay busy, workout, talk to friends and family, play with the pet, etc.. Imagine a loved one going away for a time like a soldier and how that would feel. it creates anxiety for me. Are there some herbs or natural things that anyone is aware of?
My guess is that your ex-wife's infidelity is causing anxiety in your current relationship. At some level you're concerned that your gf is going to leave you.
How long have you and the gf been dating? How long were you single before you started dating? It sounds like you're pushing for a committment and she's resisting. You need to be cautious about rushing into another relationship if you didn't give yourself time to grieve the loss of your first one. Otherwise you'll keep rushing headlong into relationships out of fear or dislike of being alone.
Have you and your gf done anything together that wasn't storybook-ish romance? You sound like you're on the brink of being completely honest with yourself about this relationship, but are afraid that if you are honest, you won't like what you see. That would cause anyone anxiety.
I was alone for over half a year and happy. My ex cheated years ago and I tried real hard to work it out but to no avail. The relationship has been on a steady decline every since and we finally realized that it was a "Humpty Dumpty" relationship and we split. I have been divorced for over a year but the marriage has been over for several years. I have been dating my current GF for around six months. She had a bad breakup too and wants to go slower and I am OK with that. I am not pressuring her because I do not want to ruin this relationship, She is a great woman and I could never find anyone else like her.
We have a lot of normal domestic time too. Last time I was at her place I installed a water filter system, fixed her furnace, fixed her ice maker, cleaned around the house, did some grilling, etc. so you can see that it is not all just fairy tale.
There is nothing wrong with our relationship other than it is a long distance relationship that causes me anxiety and I am trying to learn how to best deal with that anxiety.
There have been some good suggestions on this thread...
My thought is that you are having anxiety because:
-your wife cheated on you and you are in a relationship without resolving your feelings of abandonment
-you project this issue in your new relationships
-you have always been in a relationship with someone and you are uncomfortable by yourself
I would:
-not only exercise but meditate, pray, read...something to take your mind off of the anxious feelings (for met it feels like my heart is going to explode and I can't breathe).
-back off your long distance relationship a little
-read books about love addiction and codependency
-stop talking to family members about your feelings and go to therapy, or better yet try a local support group
- remind yourself that stressors build character and they can be a good thing
-your never given more than you can handle
good luck!
It also sounds like your part of the relationship is predicated on "need" (which again, could be related to abandonment issues that go back to your childhood).
I never was abandoned, I had a stay at home Mother who has been married to my Father for nearly sixty years and my childhood was a good one.
I think when you love someone, there is a certain amount of need involved with them, you know...I need you, I want you, in a good way of course. Not that I literally need them to live. Again, I simply miss her and it creates anxiety that I have a hard time dealing with. I need to know how to deal with the anxiety, not relationship help.
There have been some good suggestions on this thread...
My thought is that you are having anxiety because:
Quote:
-your wife cheated on you and you are in a relationship without resolving your feelings of abandonment
No, I don't think so and I am trying to be honest here. I have been over my ex for a long time.
Quote:
-you project this issue in your new relationships
Again no, I don't think so.
Quote:
-you have always been in a relationship with someone and you are uncomfortable by yourself
I was very happy by myself, I felt so free.
I would:
-not only exercise but meditate, pray, read...something to take your mind off of the anxious feelings (for met it feels like my heart is going to explode and I can't breathe).
-back off your long distance relationship a little
-read books about love addiction and codependency
-stop talking to family members about your feelings and go to therapy, or better yet try a local support group
- remind yourself that stressors build character and they can be a good thing
-your never given more than you can handle
good luck!
Thanks for the good suggestions, I have never meditated but I do read, I pray daily and have stopped talking to my family about it because you know how family can be, they love you but have to aggravate you at the same time.
I never was abandoned, I had a stay at home Mother who has been married to my Father for nearly sixty years and my childhood was a good one.
I think when you love someone, there is a certain amount of need involved with them, you know...I need you, I want you, in a good way of course. Not that I literally need them to live. Again, I simply miss her and it creates anxiety that I have a hard time dealing with. I need to know how to deal with the anxiety, not relationship help.
Ok . . . but it seems a little extreme that you are suffering anxiety over separation if you never had any trauma.
Why do you think you are so anxious?
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