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The whole mantra seems to be avoiding the unpleasant:
- changing the subject
- ignoring the obvious
- minimalizing / deflecting
- "oh, that happened, or is happening, to (name of person), too"
- unable to say something bad about someone
- changing facts/white lies
It can be anything YOU want it to be. Then, good "psychologists" will feed you menu of all possible Latin word based "diseases". Or disorders. Take a pick.
YOU already labeled that person. YOU are only looking for confirmation, and forums anonymity is what opens the door for this.
What you need to do, is to look at YOURSELF and find out, why YOU see that person in negative light. Remember - 95% of all perceived by us problems are in our minds only.
See something beautiful - praise God; see something bad - look at yourself.
Thanks for all these. Interesting reads on DPD and AVPD.
Can it also be passive-aggressive, since it involves so much denial/deflection/minimalization?
No. Passive-aggressive was my very first thought, but I quickly discounted it because you didn't indicate any aggressive behavior. The person you describe only wants to avoid conflict. A passive-aggressive person will be nice to your face then turn around and cause trouble behind your back, say bad things behind people's backs, etc.
Passive-aggressive people are the customers who seem fine when you resolve their issues on the phone, and then they call your manager and complain, blowing your mind because they truly seemed pleased with the resolution when you talked to them. Passive-aggressive people won't be honest with you if they think you will be upset. Notice that the person you describe is upsetting you by not agreeing with you. If he/she agreed with you, you wouldn't be upset or asking people to diagnose him/her.
It's also possible that the person you describe is a very smart person and doesn't want to get dragged into whatever drama you are into with someone else. It's possible they don't trust you and think if they say anything negative about someone, even via agreeing with you, that you will tell others. Alternately, they might not trust you because if you are saying negative things about sometone else, it's likely you'll say negative things about them when they are not around. (Which you are doing via creating this thread.) I'm opting that this is the most likely scenario based on some of your posts I've read because you seem to like to talk about and judge other people. People who talk about other people stir up lots of problems, and it's healthy for someone to not want to be involved.
I'm opting that this is the most likely scenario based on some of your posts I've read because you seem to like to talk about and judge other people. People who talk about other people stir up lots of problems, and it's healthy for someone to not want to be involved.
Ok, if you say so. Yes, I do judge. When a situation unfolds right in front of you, what's not to judge? Maybe that's why I score big time ISTJ.
I'm not the only person who makes this observation. Family and friends have made comments, too. You are right, though, about the passive-aggressive, because there is no aggressive component. An overall smoke and mirrors / denial is how they roll. That's how this person copes.
I am far from perfect. But judging from my posts won't get you far. I have "read" many people here over and over, and neither have, nor will work at having, all the pieces of the puzzle for anyone here. That's not why I come on here, and neither should you.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 01-10-2013 at 11:40 PM..
I'm not trying to insult you. I was just giving you an honest answer as to why the person might be responding that way TO YOU. When I said I based it off a few posts, I meant that in your coworker thread you said numerous times that everyone else agrees with you about his personality. In this thread, you say that your friends and family do also. This does sort of indicate that you do talk about other people behind their backs. If he/she knows you're like that, she might not trust you. However, since you say she's like this with other people, that's unlikely or menas she doesn't trust many people.
Is this person like this with everyone? Or just with stronger personalities? I ask because I have a very strong personality and I have quite a few passive friends. I have to watch myself with them. They do trust me. They open up to me more than the would others. But I have to watch myself with them, and not be as "direct" as I am naturally. When I sense that they are becoming passive, I outright ask them if they are and they'll tell me, then I rephrase what I'm saying in a way that is less threatening but still what I'm trying to say. That's not the same as what you are describing, but they also tend to not say negative things about other people until they trust who they are talking to. Some people don't trust many people at all so don't feel badly. It's more their problem than yours.
Out of curiosity, what culture is this person from? There are some cultures where people make excuses for other people. I've noticed it specifically in Pakistani women. I'm sure it exists in other cultures where women are supposed to be submissive. It's like they were trained to be that way.
No. Passive-aggressive was my very first thought, but I quickly discounted it because you didn't indicate any aggressive behavior. The person you describe only wants to avoid conflict. A passive-aggressive person will be nice to your face then turn around and cause trouble behind your back, say bad things behind people's backs, etc.
Passive-aggressive people are the customers who seem fine when you resolve their issues on the phone, and then they call your manager and complain, blowing your mind because they truly seemed pleased with the resolution when you talked to them. Passive-aggressive people won't be honest with you if they think you will be upset. Notice that the person you describe is upsetting you by not agreeing with you. If he/she agreed with you, you wouldn't be upset or asking people to diagnose him/her.
There are ways to be passive-agressive in a more active way. ( if that makes any sene). And that is by keep doing someting you know other people don´t like. For example:
-You know somebody hates waiting for meetings? You just show up a few minutes late, with a good excuse,with a "sorry for being late" look on you face.
-You know somebody hates to talk about politics? You manage to drop a political reference here and there to bring up the subject,always in a very subtle, casual way.
So maybe that person (it's just an hypothesis) knows all those "oh, that happened, or is happening, to (name of person), too" are irritating, but h/she keeps doing it, just for the sake of it, maybe she just likes to do stuff in order to **** off everybody.
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