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I'm not afraid of people or talking to people as shy people are, but I definitely identify with being drained by a lot of social interaction. I do have to make an effort to put myself out there, as it were, because after a busy day at work it's not natural for me to want to head out to happy hour or to go home and make a bunch of phone calls. Even when I'm traveling with people, there are times when I send them off on their own because I need to be by myself.
I have no problem holding a conversation with someone in an adjacent plane seat or in a coffeehouse, debating with a service adviser at a car dealership, or pushing through a customer service issue to see it resolved. However, I would still consider myself an introvert. Any others like this?
Yes, I am big time....and love people, however, to much of a good thing, yanno?
There is nothing wrong with you, as some would tell you there is....simply put....I keep people at bay from my personal life....
Number one, I work full time, and don't have much time for people, b/c on my free time, I like to be by myself and detox...if you can understand that....
I used to have a big problem with people calling me and wanting to chat after I get home from work, and finally I just told them "look, I have only a few hours to myself after I get home from work, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on the telephone or have friends and neighbors stop by" and it actually took them a long time to get it, but they do...and I don't really care if they become offended or not...this is MY life, and I'm not needy for friends or family to get to close to me, yanno.
Guess, cuz the older I get, the less time I have, therefore, I want peace and quiet...and actually wallow in it...spent to much of my younger years, trying to appease other people, putting my own feelings aside, and I won't do that any longer.
i have no problem holding a conversation with most normal and respectable people. while i tend to be shy/withdrawn around other people with whom i don't like. the quieter i am around someone, the more that i don't like them.
...especially the loudmouth extroverts who always have something to say
Couldn't agree more esp the bolded part. Sometimes people will say "you are so quiet/shy" and I'm thinking to myself: "No, I just don't like you".
Yes, the parts you bolded really describe me, too. Some of my former extrovert coworkers never could understand why I never wanted to do anything with them after work. They thought I didn't like them. But in reality I did like them, I'd just been around people for ten hours and needed to be alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rohirette
I am another who prefers to be alone, but has no problem interacting when it is needed. I'm not shy... I just feel worn out and distressed after dealing with people, even friendlies, for hours.
The few close friends that I do have I value, but I don't need to see them often.
In general I don't like coping with the energies of other people. Sounds ugly, but hey it's true (for me. Give me credit for being honest) Perhaps growing up in New York City, where there are tons of financially (and therefore emotionally) unstable people, i feel their energies/vibes... and let's just say, it's not a fun thing. To meet stable people in New York City is rather rare IMHO. I like to spread my generosity around but in a thin way. People say "Oh you spread yourself thin." Yeah. I do. By choice. Because when you do that, no one can ever fall dependent on you ie help them once or twice then make sure they don't get close to you....... The thought of someone being dependent on me long term or forever is a turn-off especially if the roots of their dependency problems are mental and emotional and IMHO easily fixed.
Last edited by grimace8; 02-13-2013 at 01:26 PM..
Reason: changed 1 word
I have no problem holding a conversation with someone in an adjacent plane seat or in a coffeehouse, debating with a service adviser at a car dealership, or pushing through a customer service issue to see it resolved. However, I would still consider myself an introvert. Any others like this?
One of the biggest misconceptions out there is that Introvert = Shy. Not the case. Introverts just prefer being alone but doesn't mean they are afraid to speak up, be friendly and/or etc., It's kinda like saying, "Anyone out there that isn't obnoxious and loud but is still and extrovert?"
Yes, I am big time....and love people, however, to much of a good thing, yanno?
There is nothing wrong with you, as some would tell you there is....simply put....I keep people at bay from my personal life....
Number one, I work full time, and don't have much time for people, b/c on my free time, I like to be by myself and detox...if you can understand that....
I used to have a big problem with people calling me and wanting to chat after I get home from work, and finally I just told them "look, I have only a few hours to myself after I get home from work, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on the telephone or have friends and neighbors stop by" and it actually took them a long time to get it, but they do...and I don't really care if they become offended or not...this is MY life, and I'm not needy for friends or family to get to close to me, yanno.
Guess, cuz the older I get, the less time I have, therefore, I want peace and quiet...and actually wallow in it...spent to much of my younger years, trying to appease other people, putting my own feelings aside, and I won't do that any longer.
Haha, I can get with this to a point. I do think as introverts we have to be balanced and strive for the good and to quinch our weaknesses. I think one of our biggest weaknesses is selfishness. I know it's mine. I'd rather go home, catch up on "Breaking Bad" and/or play Madden until I'm ready to go to bed or etc., but the truth is, I have to be giving to other people. If everyone was as selfish and into themselves as I want to be or tended to be then this world would be crazy crappy. I hear what you're saying, I definitely feel you have to set boundaries, I just think it has to be within reason and not to a point when my defining characteristic is me just doing me...that's not love IMO.
I think you might have to be careful about how you interpret the word "selfish." I think that we introverts unfairly get labeled as selfish a lot of the time.
As an introvert with a HUGE need for solitude, I've been accused of being selfish. But I really self-examine, and even though I have done things in life I admit are "selfish" I believe that I am NOT being selfish with the things others have called selfish, if that makes sense.
I'm actually a pretty giving person. My career is in non-profit human services and I "give" for a living. I'm generous with money or stuff; if someone I know needs something, I'll offer it. But I just can't give of my time very much. That's what depletes me. I'd rather give a few hundred dollars to a charity than do a walkathon with hundreds of other people, or do in-person volunteer work. I'd rather give someone a present than spend hours talking with them.
For instance, I'd rather give someone $300 to rent a moving truck or pay a mover than spend the whole day helping them move, chatting, eating pizza and drinking beer.
To me, selfish is wanting a lot from people around you. Asking people for help, asking or demanding their time or attention. My "selfishness" doesn't demand anything of anyone except to leave me alone.
Of course, this can be problematic in relationships. My sig other is an extravert with a great need for attention, time, and affection. If I need one day each weekend to myself, he considers me selfish. But I consider him selfish for wanting me to spend that day with him and not respecting my need for time alone. From my point of view, if he wants me to interact with him every day and night 7 days a week, I feel he's selfish and might say "why is it all about YOU?" But he would see me wanting that one day a week to myself as selfish and he would say "why is it all about YOU?"
So you need to distinguish between selfish meaning wanting a lot from others and selfish meaning needing a break from giving to others.
I have no problem holding a conversation with someone in an adjacent plane seat or in a coffeehouse, debating with a service adviser at a car dealership, or pushing through a customer service issue to see it resolved. However, I would still consider myself an introvert. Any others like this?
Yep. I used to be extremely open and getting friendly with people fast. But virtually every time it did not end well, so I "closed". Esp in this country, where phony smiles and attitudes and hidden hatred are so abundant.
I think you might have to be careful about how you interpret the word "selfish." I think that we introverts unfairly get labeled as selfish a lot of the time.
As an introvert with a HUGE need for solitude, I've been accused of being selfish. But I really self-examine, and even though I have done things in life I admit are "selfish" I believe that I am NOT being selfish with the things others have called selfish, if that makes sense.
I'm actually a pretty giving person. My career is in non-profit human services and I "give" for a living. I'm generous with money or stuff; if someone I know needs something, I'll offer it. But I just can't give of my time very much. That's what depletes me. I'd rather give a few hundred dollars to a charity than do a walkathon with hundreds of other people, or do in-person volunteer work. I'd rather give someone a present than spend hours talking with them.
For instance, I'd rather give someone $300 to rent a moving truck or pay a mover than spend the whole day helping them move, chatting, eating pizza and drinking beer.
To me, selfish is wanting a lot from people around you. Asking people for help, asking or demanding their time or attention. My "selfishness" doesn't demand anything of anyone except to leave me alone.
Of course, this can be problematic in relationships. My sig other is an extravert with a great need for attention, time, and affection. If I need one day each weekend to myself, he considers me selfish. But I consider him selfish for wanting me to spend that day with him and not respecting my need for time alone. From my point of view, if he wants me to interact with him every day and night 7 days a week, I feel he's selfish and might say "why is it all about YOU?" But he would see me wanting that one day a week to myself as selfish and he would say "why is it all about YOU?"
So you need to distinguish between selfish meaning wanting a lot from others and selfish meaning needing a break from giving to others.
Haha, I hear ya homie but just so you know, you're preaching to the choir my friend. I hate the labels all too much. IMO, extroverts are just as selfish, (always needing attention, looking to be heard and seen), it's just that in American sociology, the charismatic, extroverted person is seen as the giving person. Despite how crazy they can be.
I"m not saying you or anyone is selfish all the time and I'm definitely not saying introverts are selfish all the time but I do think that "Me" time can sometimes become just that "Me" time. It should be time in which we rejuvenate and get our energy so that we can give, not just be. But what I've noticed in me and other introverts is it can be a time to not be giving of our time under the guise of “I need time alone” which is true, we do need it but I’ve come to admit, I’ve missed too many functions and etc., by staying at home doing nothing when the people that invited me would’ve been encouraged to see me there. It’s not always about me, is what I’ve learned. It’s so much easier to send a present with someone or donate money to a cause than to get up and give my time and energy. Giving my money s easy in my opinion and I’ve done it too many times to count, but my time...that's a real sacrifice and for a person like me, if I'm giving you my time, then I'm denying myself. One thing I've learned to do is distinguish between me needing to set a boundary in order to stay mentally and emotionally healthy and me just not wanting to deal with people and getting annoyed that people expect me to “give more”. Both extroverts and introverts have to learn those balances. We need to learn to give our time and energy despite what we feel sometimes. At meetings, I’ve learned to force myself to say things because too many times I’ve not spoken up and someone else took credit for an idea I was thinking or a mistake could’ve been avoided if I had just said something. I learn this by just being observational. I think in general the extroverts get way too much credit and praise and we get way too much criticism and negativity but it doesn’t absolve us from the weaknesses we possess as imperfect beings, both sides have them.
From what I’ve learned, being obnoxious, blunt for blunts sake and overly outputting into other people just for attention are some of the weaknesses extroverts have. While, we can hold back way too much in the name of “introversion” when we are really just being shy, aloof, and selfish. It goes both ways and we’ll always be learning. My two cents.
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