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By definition I'm an introvert. I have no interest in having a conversation with anybody except when the conversation will lead to a goal of resolving a problem. I will also talk all day long if it serves a purpose. As soon as a conversation goes circular I stop talking.
Extroverts just want to hear noise coming from their mouths and the context of the conversation having no point. For some reason extroverts have the impression that introverts are slow. But when I look at all the successful people I have known, they are all introverts.
It's also a myth that introverts don't like to talk. You sum up the truth well. It's not that we don't like to talk, we just prefer talking/comunication with a purpose. I'd rather talk with someone for 2 hours if they share my interest in a deep, important issue, than spend 20 minutes making small talk. We value quality over quantity.
To me (and most introverts) any communication that doesn't have a purpose of conveying necessary information, or learning or teaching something important qualifies as "small talk," and it's exhausting. I am simultaneously baffled, annoyed, and even pained by people who just seem to always talk and talk and talk. And they seem to enjoy it. The people listening and talking with them also seem to enjoy it. But nothing seems to be accomplished. If I go out with friends, I'll have some drinks, watch a band play, engage in some conversation that I think is meaningful, but I'll stay out of the chit chat.
In my bar-hopping youth, I would sometimes even get into conversations with strangers at a bar. But it might be about a topic or issue we both thought was important (usually brought on by a book I was holding, or something that came up on the TV). We could talk about that issue for a few hours, and I would come away knowing more about that issue, knwoing that the other person learned something too, and having enjoyed the conversation. But I would have no idea where the person went to school or where they worked, or what TV shows or sports teams they liked. And I didn't care.
I know so many people who just call someone up, and have conversations like this:
Hey, what are ya doin?
Nothing
Me neither
So anyway....
and they stay on the phone for an hour.
My idea of a phone call is to convey something:
I'll see you at 6, what should I bring?
So-and-so is in the hospital.
What was the name of that company you used last week?
There's a tornado headed this way; get into the basement.
I get on, communicate, and get off.
People sitting around chit-chatting for hours remind me of baboons sitting around grooming and petting each other, picking and eating fleas off each other. It's social "stroking." It doesn't matter what is actually said. They just have to engage in that verbal stroking. I'd rather groom myself, pick fleas off myself, and maybe go to a lecture on grooming or on fleas. I guess I'd make a bad baboon, and a bad extravert.
I know so many people who just call someone up, and have conversations like this:
Hey, what are ya doin?
Nothing
Me neither
So anyway....
and they stay on the phone for an hour.
My idea of a phone call is to convey something:
I'll see you at 6, what should I bring?
So-and-so is in the hospital.
What was the name of that company you used last week?
There's a tornado headed this way; get into the basement.
I get on, communicate, and get off.
Totally agree with this. I inwardly (and, frankly, sometimes outwardly) groan when I get a text message that's just "What's up?" No. Tell me something. Ask me something. Get on with it.
I have no problem holding a conversation with someone in an adjacent plane seat or in a coffeehouse, debating with a service adviser at a car dealership, or pushing through a customer service issue to see it resolved. However, I would still consider myself an introvert. Any others like this?
That perfectly describes me. Yes I have my wild moments, but usually I am a loner, don't make a lot of friends, and I get scared when I first talk to someone, but when the ice breaks I'm social.
Extroverts are fun, there's no doubt about that, but in limited doses.
Agreed. One of my homies is an extrovert and the dude is just too much! I tell him, man you gotta take it down an notch. He's always calling me, asking for advice for this or for that and I'm like dude, this is so not a big deal but I oblige sometimes as not to be a jerk but you're correct, I can only hang with him for so long.
It's also a myth that introverts don't like to talk. You sum up the truth well. It's not that we don't like to talk, we just prefer talking/comunication with a purpose. I'd rather talk with someone for 2 hours if they share my interest in a deep, important issue, than spend 20 minutes making small talk. We value quality over quantity.
To me (and most introverts) any communication that doesn't have a purpose of conveying necessary information, or learning or teaching something important qualifies as "small talk," and it's exhausting. I am simultaneously baffled, annoyed, and even pained by people who just seem to always talk and talk and talk. And they seem to enjoy it. The people listening and talking with them also seem to enjoy it. But nothing seems to be accomplished. If I go out with friends, I'll have some drinks, watch a band play, engage in some conversation that I think is meaningful, but I'll stay out of the chit chat.
In my bar-hopping youth, I would sometimes even get into conversations with strangers at a bar. But it might be about a topic or issue we both thought was important (usually brought on by a book I was holding, or something that came up on the TV). We could talk about that issue for a few hours, and I would come away knowing more about that issue, knwoing that the other person learned something too, and having enjoyed the conversation. But I would have no idea where the person went to school or where they worked, or what TV shows or sports teams they liked. And I didn't care.
I know so many people who just call someone up, and have conversations like this:
Hey, what are ya doin?
Nothing
Me neither
So anyway....
and they stay on the phone for an hour.
My idea of a phone call is to convey something:
I'll see you at 6, what should I bring?
So-and-so is in the hospital.
What was the name of that company you used last week?
There's a tornado headed this way; get into the basement.
I get on, communicate, and get off.
People sitting around chit-chatting for hours remind me of baboons sitting around grooming and petting each other, picking and eating fleas off each other. It's social "stroking." It doesn't matter what is actually said. They just have to engage in that verbal stroking. I'd rather groom myself, pick fleas off myself, and maybe go to a lecture on grooming or on fleas. I guess I'd make a bad baboon, and a bad extravert.
ROFL!
Wouldn't let me rep you again, you made me think of those many people one sees (and often hears) in public talking on their cell phones. ARGGGGH! That is what much of it is - endless white noise.
I know so many people who just call someone up, and have conversations like this:
Hey, what are ya doin?
Nothing
Me neither
So anyway....
and they stay on the phone for an hour.
My idea of a phone call is to convey something:
I'll see you at 6, what should I bring?
So-and-so is in the hospital.
What was the name of that company you used last week?
There's a tornado headed this way; get into the basement.
I get on, communicate, and get off.
People sitting around chit-chatting for hours remind me of baboons sitting around grooming
I can't stomach "phone people". My ex was a "phone person" so the disdain is quite intense for me
I am not a social person and much rather stay at home but am not shy. If I do go out it would be something low key like dinner. I never liked going to a bar or a party. In my everyday life where I see the same people whether it be a neighbor or at a coffee shop I always talk to people. I will ask what they do for a living or if they are married.
People seem to open up to me and what I feel is personal information for not being close friends. I don't talk about mysef much unless asked and even with that I keep it very surface stuff. I have been told I am easy to talk to. I think because I just listen and try to encourage.
I'm not drained by people but I do feel uncomfortable with myself and who I am I guess which makes me not want to be around people for a long time frame or in a large group.
I would consider myself selfish too. I offer to help people but I hope they will say no. I am thinking of volunteering because I don't like being selfish or so focused on myself. It should not be an excuse but I have a lot going on with my own health problems and life issues and so it adds an extra barrier while already having a certain personality.
I thought about this thread tonight. I went out to eat with a pretty large group of coworkers. These are mostly people I really like, yet in a crowded, loud restaurant with everyone talking (loudly of course) at once, all I could think about was leaving. I was absolutely miserable, and these are people I LIKE! Occasionally I'd talk a little with someone to my left or right, but gradually other conversations would begin on either side of me while I had no one to talk to. And it's not like they wouldn't talk to me, it's just that 99% of the time they were discussing things I have no interest in. So little interest that I couldn't even think of anything trivial to add to the conversations. So I just grew quieter and quieter, until eventually I sort of felt like I was sitting between two groups of strangers. If I had been in a quiet restaurant in a booth with just two or three of them, I think I could have enjoyed the evening. But I think my brain struggles when I'm surrounded by LOTS of noise and tons of people all trying to talk over the noise simultaneously. I feel like my blood pressure's still sky-high, and I've been home for at least half an hour.
I have no problem holding a conversation with someone in an adjacent plane seat or in a coffeehouse, debating with a service adviser at a car dealership, or pushing through a customer service issue to see it resolved. However, I would still consider myself an introvert. Any others like this?
This is very much how I am.
Introversion doesn't necessarily mean shy. It's all about where the bulk of your energy lies.
In general I don't like coping with the energies of other people. Sounds ugly, but hey it's true (for me. Give me credit for being honest) Perhaps growing up in New York City, where there are tons of financially (and therefore emotionally) unstable people, i feel their energies/vibes... and let's just say, it's not a fun thing. To meet stable people in New York City is rather rare IMHO. I like to spread my generosity around but in a thin way. People say "Oh you spread yourself thin." Yeah. I do. By choice. Because when you do that, no one can ever fall dependent on you ie help them once or twice then make sure they don't get close to you....... The thought of someone being dependent on me long term or forever is a turn-off especially if the roots of their dependency problems are mental and emotional and IMHO easily fixed.
Grimace, I do give you credit for being honest. Someone has to say it. We hear over and over again how healthy it is to be involved with other people, but if those people drain us, is it really beneficial for us? We do our obligatory socializing and don't necessarily have a great time...and then we are too depleted emotionally and physically to pursue those activities we do enjoy doing.
With so many people's mental health being problematic, it does seem like a good self-protective mechanism to limit contact and set some boundaries. When I worked with mental health patients, I always heard from them how THEY were the mentally healthy ones and every one else had the problem, so I am aware that sanity/mental health/integrity, etc. is in the eye of the beholder, but I think many mental and physical health experts would admit that there are a lot of people behaving, living, and thinking in really unhealthy ways....so where is the upside of interacting with them?
I always found it funny when people say that it's an essential part of the "college experience" and "growing up" to live in a dorm/frat house and learn to get along with their peers. What if the majority of the peers are abusing alcohol and drugs? Having casual hookups? Not studying or learning? Eating junk? Then is it really so valuable to have that experience of living with others of a similar age?
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